Summary- A side of Rodney you've never seen is now clear as day as the cuts are red.

A/N- McShep slash, McKarter friendship. Dark story. Read and review.

Cut

Chapter 1- Never ask, Never tell

(Rodney's POV)

Cutting. The one thing I had in control of my life. It started when my parents blamed me for their failing marriage. It was purely a curious accident, slip of the blade across my arm.

I was fascinated with the feeling of the warm, sticky blood dripping down my forearm. I felt lucid and free…for the first time in a while I felt…alive. I didn't have the usual numb feeling. From that moment on, I kept doing it.

Keeping the secret was easy, no one ever asked. No one but my little sister, Jeannie. She would try to walk in my room and catch me in the act. She would rush in and point her finger at me telling me that she knew.

She knew but she never told.

As the years went on and my grades continued to go up, I became distant from the people around me. I was terrified at what the outcome would be if they found out.

I used to cut my arms but then I moved it to the more private, not easily seen areas of my legs.

The cuts started out light and not as messy and progressed to deep and bloody gashes. Even as I left home and the arguments, my abusive college life caused me to cut in more violent ways.

I would even go as far as to locking myself in the bathroom and mercilessly cut at my thighs.

And now on Atlantis, I still continue to crave into my skin. I continue to bleed and hurt, but no body knows

Will they ever?

Probably, I'll never let them. Keeping them at arms length, telling childhood stories with meaningless reasons. Even though I know he's trying to get in.

Him.

John Sheppard.

The man of my dreams and prayers. He is everything I'm not. He is my sun in this dark world I roam, but I cannot show him that. I wish I could. My heart screams "tell him!" but my mind and my aching cut up arms shout- "NO!"

For now I'll continue living with my razor blade aid. Never having them ask……and never telling.

TBC

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