Chapter 15

Something about his voice sounded off and she turned to look at him. Her mouth fell open when she saw him sitting there, staring straight ahead, with tears pouring down his face. She'd never seen him cry.

But he didn't appear at all ashamed when he faced her, reaching across the space between them to take her hand. Their eyes held as his thumb rubbed across the back of her hand. "I couldn't stop thinking about you, about last night. I never meant to hurt you, Olivia."

She nodded, unable to say anything. She still wasn't sure what he was saying, but she wholeheartedly believed him.

"God, Liv, the timing is so –" He turned away, biting into his bottom lip. "You know, I never cheated on her. I never even thought about it. She was my wife and I made a promise to her." His hand clenched around hers. "I had no idea how things could change in twenty-three years. Hell, I was eighteen. I had no concept of twenty-three years. She was pregnant and I had a responsibility to her."

Olivia sniffled, finding her voice. "Apparently, in twenty-three years, things haven't changed at all."

His hand released hers and she wished she'd kept her thoughts to herself. She didn't want to find comfort in his touch, but she had and she missed it.

But then his fingers were touching her face, lightly brushing her hair back. "I thought I loved her then."

"But you didn't?" She felt her heart leap at the idea and immediately hated herself for it.

"But I didn't. I had no idea what it felt like to love someone."

Once again, she was lost trying to interpret his words. She couldn't even decide if they sounded good or bad. Her emotions were too involved for her to draw any conclusion.

His fingers were on her again, under her chin, pulling her face to look at his. "Eventually I started to love her. I cared about her and our family. But it's different now. This is different."

She searched his eyes, desperate for an idea that she was wrong. She couldn't read him. All she could see was his remorse, which she took to be for sleeping with her when he'd only just realized how much he loved his wife. She pulled away from him, stood up and crossed to the door. She found words, but they came out in a voice she didn't even recognize as her own. "I have to go home." Her eyes were filled with tears as she fumbled with the door. She had to get away from him. She wanted to run as far and as fast as she could.

She felt his approach and it only made her more frenzied in her attempt to escape. As his hands braced himself on either side of her head, she gave up, realizing that she wasn't going to be able to get away from him. She kicked the door in frustration and rested her forehead against it.

"Look at me."

She said nothing, just continued to shake from the horror of it.

His hands found her waist, turning her body around easily. "Liv, please."

He was so close. So unbelievably close. She could smell his aftershave. She could feel his breath on her face. She swallowed hard, mesmerized by his eyes. Still shaking, still crying, she sniffled and tried to find words. "Why?"

He looked confused. "Why what?"

She didn't even know what she was trying to ask. Why did he have to go back to Kathy? Why did he love Kathy? Why didn't he love her? Why had he slept with her when he didn't love her? Why had he made her realize how much she loved him when all he was going to do was break her heart? She couldn't pick a single one to ask. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer to any of them.

She wondered what had effectively strangled her ability to deal with her partner, the best friend she'd ever had. But she knew she wouldn't be able to figure anything out with him there, so close to her. She shook her head. "I have to go." She tried to turn away, but his hands were still on her hips. "I can't stay. Please."

His hands mercifully abandoned her hips and for a blissful moment, she thought he would let her leave. But his hands instead landed on her cheeks, holding her face still while he studied her. It seemed like forever before his hands moved again, moving down over her shoulders and pulling her into his arms.

She wanted to shove him away, to declare her independence from him, to prove that she didn't crave his touch. The thought was erased as his cheek pressed against hers, his chin resting on her shoulder. As his hands tenderly rubbed her back, she discovered that her fingers were digging into the fabric of his jacket.

"How did this happen, Liv?"

She shook her head against his. "I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." It wasn't his fault, she decided. It was hers. He'd never said he wasn't going back to his wife. He'd never said he loved her. He'd never said anything to make her think it would be more than sex with her. She was the one who'd let it go too far to control. She was the one who fell for someone she knew couldn't be hers. She shook as sobs racked her body. "I'm sorry."

"Shhh, Liv, don't." His hands slowly ceased moving in circles on her back, moving back up to cup her face. "What are you sorry for?"

Although his voice sounded as though he had no idea what had her so upset, she knew he could see it. Her feelings for him were written on her face. She knew that was why he was crying. That explained his guilt for sleeping with her. Olivia couldn't imagine why he was going to make her say it. She tentatively met his eyes, guiltily savoring his embrace since she knew he would pull away as soon as she spoke the words.

"The last thing I ever wanted was to fall in love." It was true. She'd always known love would hurt, would make her weak, even from childhood. As she'd grown up, she'd listened to her friends dreaming of falling for someone and she'd never wanted it for herself. She'd never expected to enjoy the feeling of needing anyone so much. The whole concept scared the hell out of her.

Elliot stared at her, his face pale with shock.

She averted her eyes, lowering her head as much as she could with him standing so close. "I'm sorry for ruining everything."

The surprise melted into disbelief as he pulled her back into his arms. "What do you think you ruined?"

She was glad he was holding her because it meant she didn't have to look him in the eye. "Your marriage. My career. Our friendship."

"You didn't ruin anything." He pulled back to stand face-to-face with her. "I'm the one who fell in love with someone when I was already married to someone else."

Her jaw dropped open, finally hearing what he was saying, what he'd been trying to tell her. Her heart soared. She could see it in his eyes, the emotion he couldn't hide from her, but she saw disappointment there too. She worked her mouth, her throat, fighting for words to ask, but she came up with what she knew to be the answer. "You're not going to leave her."

He looked down and clenched his jaw. Suddenly there was space between them, cold where there'd been heat. He dropped back onto the couch. "I have to try."

Exhaustion replaced her desire to leave and she unhappily moved back to her place on the couch. She shook her head, trying to pretend she understood. On some level she did, but she wanted it to be different. It didn't seem fair to find out he loved her only to have him go back to Kathy anyway.

"If I don't, I'll always wonder if I did the right thing. I have to keep my promise to her. I don't know if it's going to work." He reached for her hand again, but she pretended not to see it as she folded her hands in her lap. "I need time to figure this out. If you make me leave her, I'll just wind up resenting you for it."

She turned toward him. "How could I make you leave her?" Her eyes and throat were sore from crying; her body was worn out from the stress of the day. She didn't understand how he could think she had any say in the matter. She was powerless; the decision was in his hands.

He met her eyes, a rueful smile playing on his lips. "Ask me to."

The sincerity of his words sent a shudder through her. She could hardly believe she had that kind of power over him; she'd certainly never abuse it. "I won't."

He held his hand out to her, leaving it up to her whether to respond in kind or not. She took a deep breath and slipped her hand into his. He nodded. "I know."

They lapsed into silence, leaving Olivia to wonder what she was supposed to do. She thought he might expect her to leave; she thought he might expect her to stay. Reading her mind, something he'd always been quite good at, he squeezed her hand. "Stay with me."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." They both knew he was going back to his wife, regardless of his feelings.

He slid over to sit beside her, moving his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his chest. "Just for tonight. I promise nothing will happen."

She was inclined to believe him, but she wasn't sure she could trust either of them. She hadn't been feeling much like herself since the previous evening and therefore couldn't be sure what she would do. "I don't know, El."

"It's up to you." His face turned into her, his whisper falling directly on her ear. "The next time I ask, I swear, it will be for good."

Olivia shifted slightly against him, settling herself into a more comfortable position. Even though the situation lacked true resolution, nothing felt as right as being there with him. She smiled as his other arm wrapped around her, holding her close. "I'll be here."

Don't anyone hurt me. There's a sequel in the works because of my inability to let well enough alone... But in my own defense (since I fear someone might get angry at me), I had months (honestly) to think about it and whee it was going to end. It would have truly killed the feeling and theme of the story to have them planning their wedding at the end.