Chapter 10, yeah double figures
"Today is the day." Crepsley randomly said at 5 in the morning/night "By the way, you left the light on…again."
"Ughhhhhh go away." I said, pulling the pillow over my head and going back to sleep.
Next Morning
"Did you hear what I said to you this morning, Darren?" Crepsley asked.
"No."
"Oh."
"Alright then."
I left Creps and went to the hall of Kurten lurk/ whatever it's called to get some chips, beans and eggs. I sat down at the table in the corner and started to eat, but I was soon interrupted.
"DARREN" shouted a familiar voice.
"For Christ sake, what do you want, if you want me to do training, I'm not going to do it" I moaned putting a fork full of beans into my mouth.
"That's not what I was going to say." He said, resentfully. I lowered my fork and looked at him expectantly, raising my eyebrows.
"YOUR STALAGMITE TRIAL IS TODAY!"
"What." I said in disbelief and anger. "Why didn't you train me!"
"I fucking well tried you cockney bastard!"
"I am from good old Ireland! I am not cockney."
"Sorry."
"So you should be."
"Any who your trial starts in five minutes, we need you to get dressed and down there pronto"
"Cant I just do it naked?" I asked
"NO!" he screamed
After he stopped screaming no, he dragged me by the hand to my room to get dressed. Aww I never finished my chips, beans and egg. While I was getting dressed one-eye explained to me about the trial.
"SO basically I have to walk across a random room full of stalagmites? Omg that sounds EASYYYYYYY YEAH!" I laughed. "Why did you want me to train for that?"
"I had to do that trial, Darren. It's much harder than it looks."
"Oh sure it is. Well let's get this over with."
Larten burst into the room and grabbed me by the hand and dragged me down the corridor, to the room that was to have stalagmites.
"Darren, before you start, I just have to say one thing" he said holding both of my hands.
"Yes?" I said looking into his eyes with a smile on my face.
"I… I…" he coughed. "I lo…"
"Darren!" Screamed a girly voice. "I can't believe you have to do this trial when you are but a mere child! It's so unfair! I love you my darling!" and then he gave me a full frontal kiss.
"Oh…" Crepsley muttered, going red. "Oh, I see, well bye then."
"Oh Darren I do hope you're alright!" Kurda sung.
"Kurda since when were we going out?" I said, confused.
"Since we slept together, silly!" he said, camp hand gesture and all.
I gave Kurda a hug and then entered the room.
The room had many weird triangle things hanging from the roof and the floor.
"So what am I meant to do again?" I asked
"YOU MUST REACH THE OTHER SIDE" Boomed an old man, he looked nearly blind.
"Alrighty then"
And with that I clambered onto the nearest triangle thing and started making my way across. The stalactite was slippery and I nearly fell. There were spiky ice things falling from the roof. I felt very scared and wanted to scream but knew this would create vibrations and cause more stalagmites to fall and potentially crush me or send me falling to my death. Yes, I learnt about vibrations in good old science class. Mr Charles was the teacher. I idolised him. I even bought his recent autobiography 'How Crude Oil Saved My Life'. It's a heart warming tale of how his parents got together, had sex and conceived him on the twenty-first of September 1625. I've read it eighteen times already.
Anyway, I was so scared; I couldn't help but shed a tear. I saw the floor miles below and knew I could easily fall and die. Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out, terrified I would die.
"I jumped onto the next stalactite and quickly dodged a falling stalagmite. It was very action packed and I felt my heart pace rise. I cart-wheeled over the next ones and did a flip to the end. It was so exciting; I wish you could have seen it, Kurda." I said.
"Wow!" Kurda said, clearly impressed. "I wish I could have been there!"
"Darren, could I have a word with you?" said Crepsley entering the room in middle of my tale of how I passed the trial.
"What do you want, oh master?" I said bowing down and kissing his shoe. Creps looked slightly confused.
"Just step outside with me for a minute"
"ALRIGHTYO" I sang, jumping off Kurda's bed and skipped out side to the corridor.
Once out in the corridor, Larten grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him, he pushed back the hair that was in my face and kissed me on the forehead and embraced me. He started crying and then he let go of me and left.
"Anyway, yeah, it was really exciting. I was such a hero." I said to Kurda who had seen the whole thing through the open door anyway.
"Darren…" Kurda whispered. "I think that Larten might love you…"
"Oh pish posh!" I dismissed his comment.
"But Darren." He continued. "If Larten loves you it will break his heart to see us together."
"He did rape me." I said, trying to justify the situation.
"I love you Darren, but if Larten does too…"
"He'll get over me. He has Arra!"
"Oh ok."
I sat closer to Kurda and started to cuddle him.
"Darren" Said someone…I wonder who.
"Yessum?" I said looking around the room and there at the door I saw a head poking around it.
"You have to go the hall of princes to decide your 3rd trial"
"CYRUS" screamed Kurda, shoving me out of his arms. He then ran over to Cyrus and started stroking him like a dog.
"KURDA" he said licking Kurda's face.
"I thought I lost you, I haven't seen you in your basket for days" Kurda beamed scratching behind Cyrus's ear. He then produced a stick and threw it far away. Cyrus looked ecstatic and crawled after the stick, tongue hanging out and panting like… a dog.
Kurda turned to me. "That's just Cyrus my do… assistant." He explained.
"I wonder if Larten views me as a dog too." I wondered out loud.
"Well, most people do. Come on, let's go to the hall of princes."
At that moment Cyrus reappeared, stick in mouth. Kurda patted him and produced a lead.
"Come on, walkies!" Kurda sung. Cyrus jumped up and down.
"Cyrus stay still!" Kurda laughed. "How can I put you on the lead if you keep on jumping?"
He clipped on Cyrus's lead and off we went, when we was nearly half way, Kurda asked me if I wanted a turn, but I turned his offer down, regretting it three seconds later.
"Kurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrda" I sung grabbing his arm.
"Yes?" he asked
"Can I take the dog now…PLEASE" I said with a big cheesy grin.
"Oh…go on then"
And with that I was passed the lead, Cyrus was very hard to control he seemed a bit too excited.
We reached the Hall a bit late because Cyrus kept stopping to sniff everything and he seemed a bit constipated when stopping to do his business, which Kurda cheerfully picked up in a nappy sack and placed in a nearby bin. Then Kurda said that Cyrus wanted to run around and so we should let him off the lead. However he ran off and we had to chase him for a long time indeed. Kurda seemed to think he just wanted to play but I know his game. He wants to make me late to the Hall of Princes!
"Darren!" Paris shouted. "You're an hour late! We've been waiting for you!"
"I'm sorry, it's my fault." Kurda said. "Please don't blame him, he is just a mere child."
"Maybe we should kill Kurda for his insolence" Mika said.
"I'm not having you and Kurda arguing every time we have a meeting, so you can stop it now Mika and go sit in the naughty corner" Paris scolded.
"Fuck you old man" Shouted Mika.
"Can't we just have a normal meeting for once?" Moaned Arrow.
"I'm sorry." Kurda and Mika said simultaneously. It seems neither of them wants to be on the wrong side of Arrow but don't really care about Paris. Interesting.
"Anyway," Paris said, "We are here for Darren to pick his next trial."
"Ughhh!" Shouted a random vampire. "Why do we have to have a whole meeting just for this! I was watching the JK show. I never got to see who the father was."
"Omg!" I shouted. "I love the JK show!"
"Anyway!" Paris shouted. "There are to be no more interruptions. Darren just pick a trial so we can all go."
"Hmmm…" I pondered.
"OUT OF THE HAT, DICK!" screamed Mika.
I was shocked, the hat was green. God don't they know that mauve is the new green. I shoved my hand into the bag and rummaged around.
"We haven't got all day" Moaned Mika once again.
I grabbed a piece of paper and pulled it out of the unstylish hat. The writing was really bad…I think Mr Creps was made to write it.
"The box where fire shoots at you" I read out.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed a vampire.
"KURDA DON'T START!" Shouted Paris.
"Yeah do what the old bitch says" agreed Mika, painting his nails black.
"But Darren is just a boy, you can't expect him to do such a trial"
"Well tough shit Kurda, your boyfriend is doing the box where fire shoots at you trial whether you like it or not" he said blowing on his newly painted nails.
"Kurda?" I said, later that night when we were having sex.
"Yes?" he replied.
"Why did everyone seem so scared about my trial? Is it hard?"
"It's the worst one Darren. You are bound to die."
I felt scared.
"But don't worry. Death is nothing to be scared of."
"Even in Death may I be triumphant!" I shouted, while Kurda thrust.
"Indeed!" he screamed.
There was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" I asked, as once again Kurda thrust.
"Woof"
"The dog wants to sleep with us, Kurda" I sighed.
"Let me just finish then" he said with one last thrust. He then got up and tied a sheet around him and let the dog in.
That night I fell asleep alongside Kurda and Cyrus.