Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Sailor Moon…or any of the songs from Sailor Moon. I only own my strange imagination.

Warnings: Some light shojo/magical girl/Sailor moon series bashing and a good helping of crackish-ness, all in good fun. THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AT ALL! Strong shonen-ai/yaoi implications. Oh, and cross-dressing. Lots of cross-dressing and gender confusion. Rated M for language and sexual innuendos.

Spoliers: Naruto's parent's real names.

Dedicated to all of the lovely Sailor Moon x Naruto crossover pics on Deviantart, my friends who begged me to write this, and to my beta shy7cat for being FANTABULOUS!

Enjoy and don't forget to READ AND REVIEW. Seriously, PLEASE DO! How else will I know if you people are enjoying my random crack things?

XXX

Sailor Naruto Moon

Summary: Sailor N.M.'s gotta save Tuxedo Uchiha from the wretched hands of the Dark Kingdom's Queen Orochimaru! Will he be able to get out of his loveless-induced funk and gain the determination needed to save the day? Or will Sailor Naruto Moon and his Sailor Scouts fail, thus leaving all of the pretty little boys of the world in the pedophilic hands of the creepy Dark Queen?!

Pairings: NaruSasuNaru, and many more.

XXX

Prologue

XXX

A long time ago, on the surface of the elusive moon, there existed a peaceful place known as the Silver Millennium Moon Kingdom. This kingdom was ruled by a kind and gentle man known as Queen Minato and his wife, Kushina. All who resided on the moon loved their queen and lived blissfully. These 'moon people' watched over the planet Earth and made sure that no serious evil or harm befell humankind. They also made sure that love remained strong amongst the humans because without love on Earth, the prosperous Moon Kingdom would explode, thus destroying the entire universe. And the complete annihilation of the universe was something that God would have not appreciated.

One day, the red haired Kushina gave birth to a Minato look-alike who became known as Princess Naruto. Yes, Kushina named her son after a Japanese spiral fishcake found in ramen (ramen was a popular delicacy among the people of the moon).

Princess Naruto grew to be just as handsome as his father, but had the wit and personality of his energetic mother. The Princess was known to play pranks on others and escape from his caretakers often. The Princess also became the best of friends with the other Princesses of the nine planets, for no one was able to resist the natural charm and Power of Change/Day-Glo Orange the Princess emitted. Princess Naruto had people falling in love with him everywhere he went, but never seemed to fall deeply in love with any one in return. This worried Queen Minato, for he wanted his precious child to fall in love, take a wife, and bear him many beautiful moon grandbabies.

Naruto's spouseless' life soon took a turn for the best when his sapphire eyes met smoldering dark ones at one of his father's nightly parties. The Princess, without delay, fell madly in love with the mysterious, brooding stranger whom he later found out was Uchiha Sasuke, the Prince of Earth. At that very party, the Princess had approached the dark haired man, batted his eyelashes, licked his lips and pured, "Hey sexy, wanna give me a blow job in the back and be my uke?" Naruto had then hiked his flawless orange dress up suggestively.

…To which the Prince of Earth had replied frigidly, "In your dreams dobe," and then punched the Princess in his face. The Princess's body guard, Hatake Kakashi had then electrocuted Sasuke, causing the Prince to suffer from a small seizure and get amnesia for some time after. Sasuke's parents were not very pleased.

It took a few months, flavored lube, a few epic fights with moon magic, a couple broken bones, and some bondage, but eventually Prince Uchiha Sasuke had given in and became engaged to the Princess of the Moon. Queen Minato was ecstatic and had a luxurious wedding all planned out for his darling son and in-law to be, but the grand wedding 'twas never to occur.

On the dark side of the moon lived the bitter Dark Queen Orochimaru and the Akatsuki. The Queen had been lusting after Prince Sasuke (and Prince Sasuke's evil older brother Itachi) for quite some time, but lost his precious potential underage sex slave to some dimwitted, annoying blond goody-good who wore orange 24/7. So he went into the depths of Chaos, the source of all evil in the universe, and released the feared Nine Tailed Demon Fox that had been locked away from a time even farther back to wreck havoc on the affable people of the Millennium Kingdom.

Sadly, Queen Minato fucked up royally and got not only the people of his kingdom and the princesses of the nine planets killed, but his beautiful son and his wife lost their lives in the heroic battle as well. With the very last of his strength, he managed to seal the Kyuubi into the all-powerful Silver Millennium Crystal and save the souls of the nine princesses, his son, and a few other select people so they could be reincarnated on Earth. He prayed that all of them, once reborn, would once again meet, become the Sailor Scouts, kill Orochimaru/the members of Akatsuki, and restore the Millennium Moon Kingdom back to its former glory.

Years and years later, when the first part Minato's wishes came true, is where our tale begins…

XXX

Sleeping with bastards by moonlight,

Fighting bastards by daylight,

Never running from a free meal,

His secret powers are so cool to him,

He is the one named Sailor Naruto Moon!

He will never turn a back on a friend!

He is always there to defend!

He is the one on whom we have no choice but to depend,

He is the one named saiiloooooooooorrrr…

Sailor Sai Mercury

Sailor Gaara Venus

Sailor Neji Mars

Sailor Shikamaru Jupiter

Sailor Shino Uranus

Sailor Kiba Neptune

Sailor Haku Saturn

Sailor Lee Pluto of Youth!

And Sailor Chibi Konohamaru Moon!

With his Sailor Bitches who semi-hate him to help fight,

He is the one named Sailor Naruto Moon!

He is the one named Sailor Naruto Moon!

He is the one…Sailor Naruto Moon!

(Cue all of the Sailor Scouts, plus Tuxedo Uchiha posing in the front of a giant full moon with Sailor Naruto hogging up the entire spotlight, thus pissing the other scouts off.)

XOXOXO

"Sailor Naruto…!"

The Princess of the Moon fell to his knees. He was beaten up badly; covered in blood and bruises, his blue mini skirt was torn up and he was missing his white top. Sailors Sai and Neji were the first ones to reach their blond leader. He fell into their arms and his eyelashes fluttered.

"…Sailor Naruto, what happened? Are you going to be alright…?!"

Naruto coughed weakly. His normally bright blue eyes were dim and hollow, "…I'll be fine but…I…I…he…Queen Orochimaru and Itachi…they took…they took my Sasuke away from me! I couldn't…I couldn't save him!" His voice cracked as his closed his eyes shut, holding back the beautiful, sparkling tears that threatened to pour down his whiskered cheeks. He began to flashback to the sweet memories of him and his darling Tuxedo Uchiha.

"…Usuratonkachi, get your fucking ass up and use your moon magic before you get us all killed…!"

"…But I broke my leg…!"

"I don't give a damn!"

"…Sasuke, your gay ass rose just poked me in my motherfucking eye! Aim better next time asshole!"

"…I love you Sasuke. Let's make passionate love!"

"…I'm not buying you ramen, end of story."

"…Sasuke, I need your help—GUH, my lungs…!"

"…Hn, you'll be fine. I'm going to go and take a nap, have fun defeating the enemy."

"…Hmm, oh yeah…Sasuke, you're so tight…I'm going to…ahhh!"

"…I'm topping next time. You're a horrible seme."

"Che, teme. Don't make me turn you into moon dust!"

"Don't worry Sailor Naruto, we'll get Tuxedo Uchiha back, even though it's going to be highly troublesome," Sailor Shikmaru assured. Sailor Naruto then lost complete consciousness from being drained of so much magical energy during his earlier battle.

"Overdramatic dipshit…I should have been leader…" one of the Sailor Scouts murmured darkly.

"…We could technically steal the Millennium Crystal from him right this moment…before he wakes up," another suggested pleasantly.

"…Kukuku…"

OOO

The kidnapping of Tuxedo Uchiha had occurred more than two weeks ago. Ever since, Uzumaki Naruto had fallen into a deep depression. Life seemed meaningless without Uchiha Sasuke to piss off and argue with, despite the fact that the blond was doing fine in life even before he met his dark haired destined lover. Nara Shikamaru had insisted that the scouts rest up and strategize before their next attack on the Dark Queen so that when they finally did travel back to Orochimaru's lair, they would return triumphant instead of nearly dead like they did the last time.

Their talking animal sidekick Akamaru insisted that some of the Scouts ought to bond with their leader and try to restore him to his once peppy and ramen-loving state.

"Only a happy, filled- with- love-and- joy Naruto can bring back Sasuke," the white furred dog stated sagely.

This was how Hyuuga Neji, Rock Lee, Inuzuka Kiba, Sai, and Gaara got stuck (after an intense tournament of Rock Paper Scissors) spending an entire Saturday afternoon with their miserable comrade. Currently, the six teenage boys stood in a movie line, waiting to purchase their tickets. Naruto sighed as his blue eyes stared blankly ahead.

"…Sasuke always hated going to the movies. But I made him come with me anyway."

This earned an exasperated groan from the rest of the group. Neji glared at the blond, "If you say one more thing about Uchiha, I swear I'll hurt you," the brunet warned darkly. Sai purred and attached himself to the Hyuuga's arm, "You're so sexy when you're angry NejNej…!"

This act of intimacy only proved to further depress Naruto. Gaara narrowed his eyes in Sai's direction, promising swift death. Lee chuckled nervously, "…Let's calm our youthful selves down now! We are here to bond and strengthen our team work as well as cheer up out splendid leader!"

"…Naruto sucks as a leader, Shikamaru would be better," Kiba pointed out. Neji nodded in agreement, "Can't disagree with that logic. In fact, anyone would make a better leader…"

The boys all snapped out of their conversation when they heard multiple terrified screams. A group of women dressed in skimpy cleavage-bearing, butt-hugging black leather outfits had entered the theater. The females were carrying swords and immediately went about demanding money, popcorn, and pretty boys, threatening to kill fandoms if their orders were not met. Akamaru, who had accompanied the boys to make sure that they didn't ditch Naruto at a ramen shop, whispered, "Now's your cue to transform…!"

The boys nodded as they ran over to a convenient, roomy storage closet and locked the door. Naruto sighed as he raised his hand, his wrist limp with carelessness.

"Pretty Cross-Dressing Sailor Moon Soldier of Love and Justice Transformation Make Up," the blond mumbled apathetically.

"Pretty Cross-Dressing Sailor Mercury Penis Power Up!" Sai sang cheerfully, earning a strange look from the others.

"Pretty Cross-Dressing Sailor Mars Destined Revolution," Neji mumbled in embarrassment.

"Pretty Cross-Dressing Sailor Pluto Spring of Youth Blossom!" Lee shouted…youthfully. His raised hand accidentally slapped Kiba in the face.

"…Pretty Cross-Dressing Sailor Neptune Going Wild and Out!" Kiba snarled, glaring at Lee slightly. Gaara didn't even bother saying a useless phrase as he stuck his hand in the air as well. All six of them began to go through their magical transformations, donning notoriously short school girl skirts, earrings, studded chokers, lip gloss, nail polish, ribbons, gloves and tiaras. At the end of each transformation, each boy struck a sexy pose. This took a total of eleven minutes.

Once the six Sailor Scouts scrambled out of the storage room, the bands of slutty girls had already taken three males hostage and were in the process of shoving money from the cash registers into their bras. Kiba cursed, "Damnit, we need to cut down our transformation times…"

"…But our transformations are what hook people to the show," Sai replied, "…despite the fact that it's essentially the same thing every…damn…episode." The dark haired artist twitched. Neji rubbed his shoulder in understanding.

Naruto stood in the front of the group and began to do his usual hand gesticulations, "I am Sailor Naruto Moon. I fight for beauty, gay love, justice, and free ramen. In the name of the moon, I shall lay the smack down on you, believe it," the blond stated mechanically with none of the sass and pep that usually came with his speeches.

The leader of the whores pressed her fingers on her lips and delivered a high pitched cackle, "My name is Delia, foolish cross-dressing boy! You and your annoying friends can't possibly defeat us, The Neo Fangirl Whores. We'll continue giving women a bad name everywhere and continue molesting pretty boys and fandoms as we please with our horrible grammar, Mary Sues, and senseless character rape!"

Neji narrowed his eyes, "You conniving bitch! I will not allow for such atrocities to continue taking place! Leave Naruto, Death Note, and Harry Potter alone!" The dressed-in-red sailor scout began to run toward Delia as quickly as he could in his red pumps, performing hand signs along the way, "Blazing Mars Fire of 64 Strikes!"

Delia smirked as she raised a hand, "Noob Force Field." Neji ended up running into an invisible shield and got thrown back against a wall. Sai gasped as he rushed over and began to pamper Neji, who kept on repeatedly assuring that he was fine. The victims being held hostage gasped as they watched the battle commence between their heroes and the whorish villains. A majority of them also wondered why Sailor Naruto looked so out of it.

Gaara kept a carefully guarded expression of his face as he said in monotone, "Venus Love Chain of Untimely Death Encircle." A golden rope of tiny hearts successfully ensnared four of the fangirls, who started to squirm and scream out in incorrect Japanese. Two other females ran toward the sailor scouts, swords in tow as they aimed to slice up the other scouts. Naruto merely stood in a corner, watching his friends shout out their attacks and receive minor scrapes. Akamaru barked at the blond, urging him to use his uberly powerful love attack and to end the fight already, but Naruto just didn't oblige.

"Mercury Art Imitation Bubbles…!"

"Wild Ground Shattering Blow…!"

"Splendid Lightening Whirlwind Kick!" Lee shouted as he managed to knock out a female with his foot and another female with his long staff. He was back to back with Kiba who kicked a bitch in the face with his high heeled boot, "Come on Sailor Naruto Moon, stop being fucking emo and help us out before we get creamed," Kiba shouted.

Delia licked her cherry colored lips as she began to approach Naruto. A black half crescent moon suddenly appeared on her forehead. Naruto blinked in rapid realization, "…You…you work for that bastard Orochimaru! Where's Tuxedo Uchiha…?!!!"

The wicked woman stopped right in front of the blond, her plentiful boobs obscuring his vision, "You mean Sasuke-kun? Why, he's right here."

A black rose suddenly zipped past Delia and sliced through Naruto's right leg, causing a thin trail of blood to appear on his tanned flesh. When the blond looked glanced up, he saw Sasuke standing closely next to Delia. The barely dressed woman placed a hand on Sasuke's chest, stroking there suggestively.

"…Sailor Naruto Moon," Sasuke stated, "so you're the wench my Delia spoke of."

The blond princess clenched balled his hands into fists, "Sasuke! Stop spewing that crap! I know you're stronger that Orochimaru's brain washing, it's me you love, not that fake whore! Most importantly, why are you dressed like a fat gay pirate?! It isn't your style at all…!"

Sasuke replied listlessly, "…Don't you dare speak of Orochimaru-sama or Delia-sama in such a manner. I know nothing about you except for the fact that I must kill you and take your Silver Millennium Crystal."

The Uchiha threw two more roses that slashed even deeper in Naruto's susceptible skin. The blond gasped as he wrapped his arms around himself and moaned quietly. Neji used his Byakugan eyes to look at his leader and frowned as he fended off another insane girl, "…Sailor Naruto, don't allow yourself to get hit by anymore of those roses, there's poison in them!"

Kiba took a double glance at their leader and cursed as he stopped fighting, "…You guys, the Kyuubi's gaining control of him through the crystal again! His eyes are red…!"

The normally white pendant located at the center of Naruto's chest now began to glow an ominous red. The blond's eyes were the color of blood, his whisker marks grew more pronounced and his sailor uniform turned black. Delia yelped softly as she quickly hid behind the still stoic Sasuke.

The ordinary people loitering about watched in earnest, completely unaware of how life threatening the situation had truly become.

"…You disgusting bitch…you will give Sasuke back to me and after that, I'm going to kill every fucking human in this godforsaken place and devour their remains," Naruto snarled in a demonic tone.

Well…now the innocent people knew that they were potentially screwed over.

Akamaru whimpered. Sai swallowed thickly, "Whatever we do, we must make sure that Sailor Naruto does not obtain at least four tails from Kyuubi…"

"…Since when was Sailor Moon this dark of a show?" Gaara mused aloud.

"Oh, it's always been dark, it's just the anime kind of glossed over the underlying darkness the manga had," Delia replied casually.

"…So it's basically another Yu-Gi-Oh?" Gaara clarified.

"…Bingo!" Delia chimed in response.

"Hey Scouts," Kiba said, "Sailor Moon's got three tails…"

"Holy Shiiiiiiiii—"

Naruto got on all fours and growled as he hopped behind Sasuke and slashed Delia in the back with one swipe of his mighty claws. Delia shrieked as she held onto Sasuke's back for support, "…Sa…Sasuke-kun…we must retreat…" The voluptuous woman began to cough up copious amounts of blood. Sasuke stared at her vacantly before nodding, "As you wish, Delia-sama."

He picked her up bridal style, and in a circle of dancing black rose petals, disappeared from the crazed Sailor Moon's vision. The other members of the Neo Fangirls then followed.

Neji cursed, "…How in the hell does that work? Someone scientifically explain disappearing into thin air!"

Sai smiled, "There's no science in Sailor Moon, just magic and love!"

"…Oh right. That explains everything on this show," the Hyuuga deadpanned, "including how our short skirts manage to cover our underwear ninety-five percent of the time."

Naruto devolved out of his evil form. He stared at his blood stained gloves and curled them into fists. Kiba sighed, "He's going to start fucking crying again like the spoiled little princess he is…"

"Don't worry; I have my staff to knock him out if needed!" Lee chirped.

Naruto turned around, and instead of glistening tears of self pity, there was a burning fire visible in his sapphire eyes and a smirk obvious on his lips. He began to do his choreographed hand gesticulations. It seemed as if getting taken over by an evil fox entity gave him some spirit as well as sucked away the lethal poison that was previously floating through his system.

"I AM Sailor Naruto Moon! I fight for BEAUTY, GAY LOVE, JUSTICE, AND FREE RAMEN! In the name of the moon, I WILL lay the smack down on the baddies and get my uke Tuxedo Uchiha back, BELIEVE IT!"

"Huzzah! Sailor Naruto's acting sane again!" the crowd of previous quivering movie goers cheered in unison. Naruto winked at them, "That's right bitches! I'm back and better than ever! And now I need to erase your memories because you saw my bad side and that could gain me some bad press sooo…!"

The blond summoned his Moon Stick, twirled it around and shouted, "Moon Forgetful Illusion Sparkle Disperse!"

Pink glimmering dots spilled out from his wand and fell over the movie goers, putting them in a deep slumber. Akamaru barked in happiness, "Good job Sailor Scouts! You've saved the day…kind of…"

The blond haired moon princess grinned, "Akamaru, you know I did all of the work, as usual, why the hell are you thanking the other useless bitches?"

"Mercury Art Imitation--"

"Wild Ground Shattering—"

"Youthful But Deadly Pluto—"

"Blazing Mars Fire of 64 –"

"Venus Love Chain of Untimely Death—"

"Maa! I was just KIDDING you guys…! Don't attack me, I'm the leader…! Guys…guys…GUYS…!!!"

XXX

Back at Queen Orochimaru's Super Secret Dark Lair of Doom…

The Dark Queen of the Moon smirked as he watched Sasuke slip off his boxers.

"Kukukuku, that blond bitch is never getting this sexy piece of underage meat back!"

Uchiha Itachi sat by the Queen's side, watching while plotting something evil carefully…

XXX

Nara Shikamaru sighed as he watched his bedroom door slam open.

A familiar blond hopped onto his bed, sat on top of him, and stared at him with puppy eyes and quivering bottom lip.

Shikamaru said, "Get off of me, and no."

Naruto glared, "I didn't even say anything Shikamaru, c'mon!"

"I know what you want to ask and the answer is no. We are not ready to go after Orochimaru, especially after the little stunt you pulled earlier on today with Kyuubi. We can't risk that happening again. What if Kyuubi got loose and destroyed the entire universe…? I know you're in love with Sasuke and want to fuck him into next week, BUT we have to think these things through logically…"

Naruto squirmed at where he sat and continued glaring. Shikamaru sighed.

Shikamaru's mother poked her head into her son's room. "Shikamaru, sweetheart, are you sure you aren't in a homosexual relationship?" she questioned, staring at Naruto who continued glaring at Shikamaru and sitting on top of him.

"…Mom, this isn't what it looks like—"

"That's alright sweetie! I'll call those neat camps where they squish the homosexuality right out of you! Oh and there are hot, fresh cookies waiting in the oven! You two better go and eat up…!"

As Mrs. Nara said the last sentence, her eyes glimmered with dark intent toward the faggot little blond currently trying to sex her innocent son up. For you see, Mrs. Nara had one special poisoned cookie just for that idiotic Uzumaki Naruto. She left the door wide open as she left Shikamaru's room.

The lazy teenager sighed again, "Damn Naruto, you're so troublesome. Fine. We'll leave for the Dark Kingdom tonight. We'll all meet up at the old playground by 12 midnight. Inform all of the Sailor Soldiers; we'll need all of the help we can get…"

Naruto tilted his head, "Are we scouts or soldiers?"

"…Dunno; depends on which version of Sailor Moon you're watching. Apparently soldiers promote a negative message to little kids, in the American version."

"Fucking dubbers, dattebayo…erm, believe it!"

"What a drag."

XXX

All of the Sailor Gang, plus the Sailor Star Quartet that consisted of the only female members of the Sailor Squad (Sailor Sakura Pink Star, Sailor Hinata Blue Star, Sailor Ino Purple Star, and Sailor Tenten Green Star) were at the chosen spot at the proper time, that night. The only person that was missing was their leader…

"That idiot! Isn't he the one who loves Sasuke and wants to save him? Of course he'd be the one to come late and make the rest of us wait in the cold in mini-skirts," Sakura complained, tapping her foot against the concrete ground.

"As if anyone wants to look at your fat legs, forehead," Sailor Ino scoffed.

"Burn in hell Ino-pig," Sailor Sakura snapped back. The two friends began to throw insults back and forth.

Sailor Sai and Sailor Neji had found a little spot to make out with each other until their leader showed up. Sailor Haku was brushing his hair. Sailor Shino was observing an insect on a tree while Sailor Kiba whined about how Shino never hugged him anymore.

"If he doesn't show up in exactly two minutes, I'm leaving," Sailor Chibi Konohamaru Moon stated. Ino stared at the brunet child and asked, "Are you sure that you're Sasuke and Naruto's man baby from the future, because you look NOTHING like either one of them."

"…Yeah, and with their good genes, you'd think their kid come out a little more…you know…sexier," Sakura added thoughtfully. Konohamaru started to cry, "You bitches! I'm Naruto and Sasuke's ADOPTED son from the future!"

"That explains everything!" Tenten exclaimed, earning nods from the other female Sailor Scouts.

"My fellow Sailor Scouts, do you all first remember when we first met with Sailor Naruto Moon? Of how we began our youthful friendship because I sure do!" Lee shouted as he began to have a flashback.

"NO MORE FLASHBACKS, MOTHERFU—"

XXX

Lee sat all alone at lunch during his first day of kindergarten. All of the other kids made fun of his bushy eyebrows, weird hair, and of the way he spoke. As the not-so-youthful youth bit into a baby carrot, he was suddenly approached by a blond-haired, blue eyed boy. Lee looked up and sniffed, "…Are…are you here to make fun…make fun of me too?"

The blond stared incredulously at him before slapping him in the face.

"Hell yeah Bushy Brows! But why are you sitting here by yourself? You should come over to my table so that me and the guys can throw food at you!"

"…You…you mean I can be your friend?" Lee asked with hope.

"…If you pay me a hundred dollars and buy me some ramen…sure!"

XXX

Lee frowned a bit after that flashback. Neji was the next one to suffer from a flashback.

XXX

"Why are you so angry all of the time, pretty boy?" a seven year old Naruto had asked Hyuuga Neji during recess.

"…Because I'm a trapped caged bird and I have this tattoo on my forehead and all of the kids call me a Nazi because of it and I hate the Main Branch," the Hyuuga started sadly.

"Oh."

Naruto slapped him on the face, "Stop brooding and join my harem. I'm collecting a bunch of pretty boys," the blond stated, pointed to Uchiha Sasuke and Haku, who had both been bound by jump rope.

XXX

Neji growled. Next was Gaara.

XXX

Eleven year old Uzumaki Naruto could only shake his head after hearing Gaara's depressing life story.

"…If I have sex with you, will you stop acting psychotic?"

"…What is this sex you speak of Uzumaki?"

XXX

...Then Sai...

XXX

"I like cocks. And I have no emotions."

"ME TOO! Well, minus the not-having-emotions thing. Hey, wanna be friends?"

"…Not really. You don't seem to be the type to have a dick."

"…Bitch, I'll change your entire definition of a dick AND give emotions while I'm at it!"

"…Naruto-kun, put back on your pants—oh…!"

XXX

Before another flashback could take place, Sailor Naruto arrived, grinning goofily and waving at his friends.

"Sorry I'm a bit late. You see, I had to knock out Iruka with my wand because he thought I was going to a gay strip bar or something…ano…why are you guys looking as if you want to kill me…? What the hell did I do now?!"

"We'll hurt you later," Sailor Gaara stated in a monotone. The other scouts nodded in agreement as they all held hands and stood in a circle. Naruto stood in the middle and channeled the power of his Silver Millennium Crystal. All of scouts began to glow eerily.

"Together, we'll win and save Sasuke! Moon Super Cheap Transportation Magic A GO GO!"

Akamaru sighed, "Why do I have a feeling he's going to fuck everything up like his father did…?"

XXX

At Queen Orochimaru's Super Secret Dark Lair of Doom…

XXX

Sailor Naruto couldn't feel any part of his body as he fell on his knees. The other Sailor Scouts had died from the vicious attacks of Orochimaru's Sound Four.

"…Damn it; I screwed up again, didn't I? I should have listened to Shikamaru…" the blond murmured to himself, gasping for air. Queen Orochimaru smirked as he raised his black, high heeled shoe and kicked the blond down with it. Naruto groaned, and de-transformed from his Eternal Sailor Naruto Moon outfit, his body now covered in only lacy red ribbons. The Dark Queen leaned over him and stuck his sinuously long tongue out, licking the immobile blond's face. Naruto winced.

"Foolish blond, you're a complete idiot, just like your father. You've failed your pathetic friends, you boyfriend, and now you've failed the universe, for the Silver Millennium Crystal is now mine. I wonder why you aren't using Kyuubi…" The Dark Queen's pale fingers stroked the blond's chest, reaching the center of it and pulling the crystal away from Naruto.

"…I don't need Kyuubi to beat you Orochimaru…you haven't won yet…and you'll never win," Sailor Naruto heroically whispered, his blue eyes narrowed. Orochimaru cackled, his long dress billowing in the cold wind, "Oh? And what makes you say this, you idiotic, cross-dressing boy?"

"…I say this because Sasuke's evil brother is behind you holding a huge-ass sword and is about to—ah, too late!"

Uchiha Itachi had driven a large, Cloud-like sword through Orochimaru's back, thus killing the evil Queen. Orochimaru had dropped the Silver Millennium Crystal and shattered into pieces. Itachi tossed Orochimaru's dead body to the side and cursed, "That useless drag queen's destroyed the ultimate power that I've been seeking…but maybe…you there, Sailor Naruto Moon. Fix the Silver Crystal and I shall give Sasuke back to you."

Naruto sat up and grinned, "Okay! You've got yourself a deal! Moon Magic Repair!"

Itachi took the newly repaired crystal and flipped his flowing, dark long hair back. Naruto eyed the man dressed in a black evening gown expectantly, "Okay, now give me back my Sasuke."

Itachi nodded, "As you wish. Oh Tobi…"

The orange-masked member of Akatsuki appeared from the shadows, and with him he dragged the dead bodies of Kabuto, the Neo Fangirl Whores, the Sound Four, and Sasuke.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi killed the bad people Itachi-sama said Tobi should!"

Naruto gasped as he crawled over to his dead lover, fumbling over the red ribbons that were supposed to cover his man bits. Right. Naruto placed his scratched up hands on the pale face of the younger Uchiha.

"Sasuke…Sasuke….please wake up! I can't have you dead! Who am I supposed to have sex with?! Surely not Akamaru…! You can't leave me alone like this teme…SASUKE…!"

"…Yelling and crying won't bring him back," Sasori, another member of Akatsuki stated blankly. "Yeah brat, you might as well submit into Itachi's powers and join up with us, yeah," suggested Deidara. Tobi watched in excitement as Itachi lifted the Silver Millennium Crystal above his head. The small pendent began to turn black with Itachi's evil and the elder Uchiha smirked, "…The universe is now mine..."

Pein coughed. Zetsu sneezed.

"…I mean…ours. The universe is ours! We shall suck out all of the good and hope and love that exists and replace it with darkness, hatred, and wickedness…!"

As this went on, Naruto continued sobbing into Sasuke's chest, chanting his name over and over. When the blond had finally lifted his head up, he saw the warm, glowing outline of a figure above him. The blond sniffled, "…Are…are you Sasuke's ghost?"

"No, Naruto…my son…listen to me…I am not Sasuke's ghost. I am the spirit of Queen Minato…"

"…Daddy! I thought you were dead!"

"…I am dead. Like I said, I am the SPIRIT of Queen Minato. I am here to deliver an important message to you. You do not need to cry," Minato said softly.

"…What the hell are you talking about? My friends are dead as well as the love of my life! And I lost the Silver Millennium Crystal! I know you're not expecting me to dance and sing you asshole!"

"Don't take that tone with me young man! I think the present day has ruined you! Back in the day, you used to be more civilized and loving…anyway, you do not need to cry because you're the MAIN CHARACTER and this is a magical girl/shojo anime, and therefore, you will have a perfectly executed happy ending. Think of your fondest memories…think of all of the love and happiness you've ever felt in your life…use it to your advantage and defeat the darkness, my cross-dressing son…"

"…Are you serious? No swords or ninja skills, or kunai-stabbing or ritual sacrifices?"

"Very serious. Now go, go and save the world, Princess Naruto!"

Minato's spirit vanished. Naruto blinked away his tears, "…Alright…I'll do what he said, but if it doesn't work, I'm going to turn his spirit into fucking ghost moon dust…!"

The Akatsuki all figured that Naruto had gone insane, and therefore, was seeing things and talking to himself, so they pretty much just ignored him.

Naruto stood up gingerly and closed his eyes, flashing back to the happy memories of his friends buying him ramen, him arguing with Sasuke, him making fun of Lee, him flirting with Sai to piss off Neji, him tricking Hinata into buying a Kwanzaa gift for Iruka…the blond remembered all of those wonderful times he spent around with the people he cared about the most. A warm light began to envelop his body. The blond held his hands in front of his chest, smiling to himself as another Silver Millennium Crystal came out of his body. The loose ribbons around his body glowed and transformed to his trademark Day-Glo orange princess dress. The yellow mark of the crescent moon appeared on his forehead and shone brightly.

And the Akatsuki members were like, "Holy shiiiiiiii—"

Sailor Naruto Moon's so badass, he can get away with such things, so don't question it.

Itachi glared at the blossoming moon princess and aimed the power of his blackened crystal at the blond, using the full power, "Foolish cross-dressing hero, you'll never defeat me!!

Naruto aimed the power of his newly formed Silver Millennium Crystal, full blast, at Itachi. Naruto's shining light and Itachi's dark light dueled against each other. Naruto held his breath as he began to panic, seeing Itachi's darkness slowly swallowing up his light.

Damn, I don't have enough power…I need just a bit more to defeat Itachi…! I can't do this alone, the Moon Princess thought as the black light inched closer and closer to his body. I can't lose; I can't because I'm the main character…!

"…You're not alone, usuratonkachi. Stop being so pathetic."

Princess Naruto snapped out of his thoughts. He felt another presence by his side and beamed as he took notice of who it was.

"Sasuke-teme! You're not dead! Or Orochimaru's slave! And you're dressed in your prince clothes! I'm so happ—"

"…Shut up and focus on killing Itachi," Sasuke snapped, lending his power to the Silver Millennium Crystal. Itachi frowned as he saw his power begin to shrink and fade under Sasuke and Naruto's combined strength.

"What the hell are you doing Itachi? Don't let that little brat and his bitch defeat you," the white-haired Hidan scolded the other members of Akatsuki voicing similar complaints.

"What do you people think I'm doing? Picking flowers?" The elder Uchiha snarled irritably.

The amounts of power coming from both sides were so intense that it caused Orochimaru's entire lair to explode. This propelled Itachi's and Naruto's battle to the very surface of the moon, among the ruins of the moon kingdom that had not been discovered by modern day astronauts.

Somehow, each of the scouts had risen from the dead and stood by Naruto's side, lending their powers to the blond and increasing the magic of the crystal.

"…I can feel everyone's love burning brightly," Naruto said happily.

"…More like everyone's hate," a Sailor Scout coughed.

"…Now I know I have enough energy to defeat Itachi and send all of the darkness back to where it belongs! MOON SILVER MILLENNIUM CRYSTAL UZUMAKI-UCHIHA PRETTY SAILOR SOLDIER APOCALYPSE, ALL OR NOTHING!"

Sailor Naruto Moon went through another major transformation and turned into Ultimate Princess Sailor Naruto. He grew a massive pair of angel wings and got even more…pretty. The Princess's light completely enveloped Itachi and the rest of Akatsuki. In real-world terms, it killed them. Naruto's crystal broke shortly after. Saving the entire universe meant that Naruto had to sacrifice his own life.

The blond floated down to the surface of the moon, like a feather and once again rendered naked save for his pretty red ribbon things that failed at covering his man bits.

"…The idiot went and overdid it again. He could have defeated Itachi without going overboard," Sasuke stated blandly, studying his nails.

Kiba raised his hand, "It's good to have you back Uchiha. So who else nominates Shikamaru as the new leader? I do!"

"…No thank you, it would be too troublesome, all of that fighting and life-giving…"

Sailor Hinata played with her fingers and blushed, "Ano…um…Sasuke-san…I think…I think if you…if you ki—"

"Spit it out already," Sasuke growled.

Hinata squeaked, "I think if you kiss Naruto-kun, he'll come back to life!"

"And why," Sasuke questioned dryly, "do you think a simple kiss will bring a dead person back to life? Do I look like a necrophiliac?"

"I…!"

The stuttering, shy girl then fainted. Neji sighed, "I'm not carrying her all the way back to Earth."

"…Isn't anyone curious as to how we're surviving in outer space? And how we conveniently CAME BACK TO LIFE? I mean, saying it's just magic won't work this time around..." complained one of the scouts.

Lee stood behind Sasuke and shouted, "Sasuke-kun, please forgive me for this!"

He forcefully made Sasuke kiss Naruto. And then Naruto woke up. And then all of the other scouts groaned. Gaara secretly stared at Lee's behind.

Naruto wrapped his arms around Sasuke's neck and pulled the Uchiha into a deeper kiss that lasted for about five minutes before pulling back.

"…Stupid dobe…"

"…Annoying teme. Oh, look Sasuke! I'm naked and I've been deprived! You know what that means…we've never done it on the moon…"

"…I won't hesitate to send you back to your death, Naruto if you don't get the hell off me…"

Shino coughed, "I am ready to go home."

"Me too!"

"Same here!"

"…But I want to watch!"

"…Shut UP SAI!"

"…Hey, I want to watch too!"

"…What did you say Tenten?"

"EW, mommy and daddy are going to do naughty things in front of me…AGAIN! Why must they traumatized me so?"

XXX

Epilogue

XXX

Further into the future, around the 30th century, Neo Queen Naruto and his wife, Prince Uchiha Sasuke of Earth, were able to fully comply with Queen Minato's dream of restoring the Moon Kingdom to its former glory, by building a new kingdom on Earth. They named this new kingdom Crystal Tokyo.

That's right, it was in Japan because no other country was WORTHY.

In the center of Crystal Tokyo lived the Queen, his wife, their ugly adopted son, and the Sailor Scouts.

XXX

"Neo Queen Naruto, I think you should do your paperwork," Hatake Kakashi, the queen's personal advisor suggested.

Naruto groaned as he pulled out two bottles of sake from his desk, "I think you should do it for me. In fact, I command you. I'm going to go and party hard with the other princesses…"

"…But its 9:00 in the morning. Who parties in the early morning?"

"…The fucking QUEEN does, that's who scarecrow! Oh and when Sasuke-teme comes out of hiding, tell him to report to me or else I'm going to do that thing he doesn't like me to do to him with the corn cob and the wires again! Later!"

The blond hiked up his voluminous dress with one hand and held his sake bottles in the other as he hopped outside of his office window and ran away. The sudden breeze of air let into the blond's office caused all of the organized papers to flurry about, some escaping out of the window during the mini tornado. The silver haired man sighed as he looked up to the ceiling.

"…I hate you Minato…I hate you and your son and me being reborn just to deal with this bullshit."

Everyone else lived happily ever after.

(Cue the song "The Power of Love" used at the end of the Sailor R Movie.)

XX End XX