If Only Chapter 1: If Only, an inuyasha fanfic

Disclaimer: I did not, do not, or will never own Inuyasha…sad…it breaks my heart.

A/N: Hey guys…well, this was supposed to be a one-shot, but the story plot developed into something that demanded to have multiple chapters. Well, anyways, I hope you guys like it!!

If Only

If only words could bring you back

I'd talk forever…

If only tears could bring you back

I'd cry forever…

. x

. O

. x

. O

The sky was gray and ominous; the sound of thunder was in the distance. The weather was a perfect comparison for what their relationship was like as of now. She wasn't a demon, or a half-demon for that matter, and she most definitely couldn't smell as good as he could. But without even trying, she could smell the distinct sulfur in the salty atmosphere, signs foretelling rain to come.

How did they manage to get in this inevitable situation? Simple. Once again, she had caught them together. Ha. He thought no one else had noticed the soul skimmers, he thought he was the only one who saw them…he thought wrong.

She saw them too.

In the dead of the night, when he thought everyone had fallen asleep, he had run off. She had no plans of following him; she already knew it was somewhat pointless. Besides, she wasn't the type to barge into other people's business. It'd be wrong of her to do that.

She didn't know how long she had been lying in her sleeping bag, waiting for sleep to overtake her. For some reason, sleep just didn't want to come tonight. She was restless and the kitsune that usually took his place beside her was sleeping snuggly against the fire cat in her tiny form.

Of all nights to get insomnia.

She got up and walked off in a random direction, hoping to be able to tire herself out so that when she came back, she'd be able to fall asleep. Not completely forgetting about Inuyasha yet, but not bothering to even think about him, Kagome just walked wherever her feet were taking her. She needed to get away from him, after all, he probably was the cause of her restless night, and thinking about him would only make her feel pain.

Suddenly, a rustling movement in the bushes caught her off guard and she quickly spun to see what it was, tripping herself in the process. She grunted and tilted her head up in annoyance at the animal that came scuttling out from behind the bush. It was just a stupid squirrel.

But just then, something else caught her eye. From her position on the forest floor, she saw light shine through the trees, and she could only guess where that was coming from. That light could only have had come off from her soul collectors. Shit. She found them.

Bidding her mind to leave and go back to camp, she got up. Her feet, though, seemed to be hardheaded as usual and only led her closer to them. Her body was disobeying, and sadly…so was her heart.

That's when she found them. It wasn't so much the sight of their embrace. She's seen all that before. It wasn't so much the way he was talking gently, and no doubt, sweetly, to the woman in his arms. She's seen that too. It was what he said that stomped on her heart.

"We can't do this. Not while you're still unsure of who you want." The woman said.

"What are you talking about? I know who I want. And it's you."

"But…you want her. I can see it in your eyes. You want her too."

"…I swore to always protect you…and I don't break my promises."

"What about your promise to that girl? You have to choose Inuyasha…you can't keep both promises."

"You matter more to me…" the man said as he pulled the woman closer.

The girl standing behind the trees watching them from a distance froze. Her breath hitched and her eyes brimmed with tears. She took small, soundless steps away from the couple. Right now, she was holding EVERYTHING in. She was so shocked and hurt; it was the only thing she could do not to break into pieces. She walked back further and further, softly and stealthily to prevent any sounds from being picked up by his sensitive ears. Her eyes were trained on the embracing couple. It wasn't until she bumped into a tree that she made noise.

She didn't mean to. She really, really didn't mean to. But when she bumped into the tree, that wince that she'd been holding in, along with her breath, had come out. It resulted in a soft, but sharp, high-pitched sob.

The couple immediately broke apart, the boy's eyes growing wide with desperation as the woman's only narrowed with annoyance.

"I…I'm sorry." Kagome breathed out and broke out into a run. She ran into the forest, unsure of whether she was headed in the right direction or not, but still running blindly anyway. She needed to get away as fast as she could.

He wouldn't let her though, and stopped her in her tracks not too long after she had started running. He took her in his arms and she only punched and pounded on him to let her go. He conceded and backed off a few feet away, but didn't leave her.

Now, here they were, in this situation…again.

Time was at a perfect standstill. She looked down from the sky and back to him where he was anxiously waiting for her to speakHer eyes glimmered, like the calm before the storm. But that was no figure of speech, this was real. She was forcing herself to hold back the tears. She needed to get everything straight here and now…or she'd never be able to get it out. It was now or never.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he beat her to it.

"I'm sorry." He softly whispered. Those dreaded words...dreaded, because that meant only one thing. "But I made a promise…a promise I can't ever take back." He paused and gulped…this was hard on him too. "I promised her, Kagome. And if that means I have to follow her to hell, then I will."

Kagome took a moment to respond, her tears on the verge of falling over the edge. "Is that it? Because of a promise?" her voice was soft and low. She didn't trust it to hold out, even in the small distance between them. He slowly looked up at her, knowing where she was going. "Is that it? If so…then, why'd you…why'd you…?" Kagome couldn't finish her sentence.

"No. That's not it." Inuyasha cut in, disregarding her struggled words. "I…I love her, Kagome. And that's why I have to go."

That was it. Kagome never imagined words to hurt like this. It was supposed to be sticks and stones, right? But…those last words that just came out of his mouth…it pierced her heart more painfully than any other sword could've done…and the worst part was…it didn't stop jabbing.

Kagome completely lost her voice and her tears cascaded down her face. Nothing was held back now as her protective walls came tumbling down.

Inuyasha panicked at the sight of her tears. He couldn't help but feel this twisting pain in his heart as he watched the shimmering drops of crystal fall from her eyes. He didn't care if he let emotion show through. Right now, he could give a fuck about his pride and let her see another side of him that he wasn't sure how to show. "Kagome?" he asked worriedly, losing his calm demeanor ages ago. His voice was now laced with concern for her. "I---" his voice faded, and that stabbed her even harder.

Kagome had to stifle a sob at the sound of his voice. Inuyasha's stomach rolled over in an uneasy manner as his heart jabbed at the hushed cry. He was causing her this pain. "Kagome, plea---"

"Stop. Just STOP." She found her voice again. Inuyasha was a bit taken aback at this, but stood his ground. "No, Kag---"

"STOP!! I don't wanna hear it!!" Kagome screwed her eyes shut. If only she could do the same to her heart. "I know what you're going to say." She tried again, trying to be calmer, but that attempt failed in her next words. "You love her, Inuyasha. I understand that. I've always understood that!" Kagome's voice rose. But her tears affected her voice, making it came out in sobbing tone, a sound that could've broken anyone else's heart if they heard it. Inuyasha had never felt so wrong, so bad in his life. It broke his heart to see Kagome like this. A sword through his gut, through his heart, or even burning in eternal fire would've felt less painful. And the pain only increased as Kagome continued.

"Kikyo…Kikyo died for you." She gasped out. Taking in a sharp, painful, intake of breath, she continued. "She gave her own life for you! I can never, ever compete with that, and I know that. You know that. She knows that! Everyone does!!" Her tears came out bigger as she roughly swiped at her eyes and cheeks with her sleeve to get rid of it. She brought her hand back down to mirror the other, clenching them both as if that'd hold on to her sanity.

"And…I don't know what to do…I just can't win. My heart…it's so tired of being ripped to shreds, over and over again, and you can't see it! You…have no idea. But you know, just because she gave you more than I could ever have, it doesn't mean I LOVE YOU ANY LESS!!"

Inuyasha's soul soared into the sky. His eyes widened further and his body became more rigid with tense…if that was even possible.

Kagome opened her eyes, tears still flowing, and looked up at him. For a moment, she wondered why he didn't say anything. Then it hit her. His delayed response made her realize what she had just said. "I…I mean…"

"You love me?"

It came out so abruptly, so straight forward that Kagome was at a loss for what to say. She could just lie and say no right now, but they'd both know she was lying. But…

Collecting herself and stopping her tears, she spoke out steadily. "No."

"But you just said---"

"I said…I understood." She cut in.

Inuyasha wouldn't give up on it, not now when he' heard those words come out of her mouth. He'd strangely wanted, and waited, for her to say those words, and for the longest time, too. But…why? He loved Kikyo, right? He wasn't lying when he said he wanted only her…right? Still, he needed to hear it. "What did you just say?"

"I understood." Kagome replied, her voice now slowly returning to its original tone.

"No…before that." Inuyasha waited for a response, but got none. "Damnit, answer me, Kagome!" She only looked up at him. "Do you love me?" he tried again, grabbing her gently by her arms while resting his forehead on hers.

Kagome tried to hold on to her cool, she tried to hold on to her indifference, and she almost succeeded too. If only he hadn't whispered her name again, she would've won. Whimpering, she lost her façade, she lost her calm demeanor, and the tears renewed themselves and slid down her face. Whispering softly, she said the truth. "…yes."

Inuyasha's ears had to strain in order to hear it. He wasn't sure if he heard her right and he tested her again. "What?"

"YES DAMNIT, YES!! I do, okay?! I love you. I-LOVE-YOU, Inuyasha!! And you know what, I don't know why but I can't help it! I just do. And I HATE it!" Kagome wavered. "I hate it so much!"

"You hate it?"

"Yes, I do!! I hate that I love you! And there's nothing I can do about it!"

"Kagome…"

"Inuyasha. Please…?" she begged as she went limp in his arms. "I can't keep doing this. You have no idea how much this is tearing me apart. Please? I can't take it any more. My heart can't take it anymore, Inuyasha. Just please, leave me alone!!" And with that, she mustered all the energy she could and fled from him. Her tears dropped freely and left a hot trail on her wake.

Inuyasha stared in the direction that she had disappeared. "I'm sorry…Kagome…"

But a thousand words won't bring you back…

I know, because I've tried

Tears blinded her vision, the darkness blinded her sight, and love just blinded her in every way possible…except for the pain. It made her blinded to everything but the pain.

She kept running, not daring to stop. She couldn't do this anymore. She just couldn't. How did it turn out like this? Why did it have to be this way? Sobbing the during the whole journey, Kagome couldn't register anything else but the fact that she was running, running like her life depended on it, and that she was crying like there was no end to it.

Her lungs burned for oxygen as her throat became raw and dry. Her head was throbbing and her body could barely withstand the exhaustion. But none of this…none of this was even considered pain…no. Not when compared to her heart. She wasn't sure if she still even had one. If she did, it must be shattered into billions of tiny pieces, cut up so badly it could blend in with dust.

She didn't even know when or how much time had passed, but she found herself next to the bone-eater's well.

She stared at it. No, scratch that, she glared at it…glared at it with her whole being. Stupid, stupid damned well!! If only this dumb well didn't exist, if only she hadn't been near it…ever, if only she hadn't passed through time, if only she hadn't met Inuyasha...she wouldn't be in this mess…she wouldn't be a mess.

Stomping over to it in all her glory, she kicked at its base. "STUPID WELL!! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!" Her tears fell harder with every kick and curse. "If only you weren't some stupid magical well that took me back in time!! If only…if only…" Kagome lost her voice and she plopped down into a sobbing heap next to it.

Turning around so that her back was leaning against the side of the well, she brought her knees towards her chest, bringing herself into a fetal position. She wrapped her arms around them and hugged her legs as tight as she could. She then buried her head in her arms.

Rocking softly, she let her tears fall as they pleased. No one was around to see, so why not let them? Her tears shacked up her whole body…but she didn't care. Right now, nothing did.

That's how Inuyasha found her, curled into a small ball. He could see her body jerk with every sob. His heart twisted again, this time, harder. His heart beat heavily and sent spasms throughout his whole body. Trying to shake it off enough so that he could walk towards her, Inuyasha took slow steps towards her. He made his footsteps loud enough so that he wouldn't surprise her with his presence…but then again, a demon could attack right now and he had a feeling she couldn't care less.

"Kagome?" he asked shakily. Her body tensed and he could hear her breathing stop. "Kagome, please…you need to listen."

Neither will a thousand tears…

I know, because I've cried

Kagome lifted her head up and looked up at him. Inuyasha made a small wince. What he would give to have her look at him with admiration, happiness, joy, and especially love in her eyes…right now, she stared at him with hurt and pain evident in her gaze.

She stood up gracefully and wiped at her tearstained face. Her breathing had calmed and she held what looked like oppressed sadness. Inuyasha looked away, unable to stand looking at her. This time…it really was his fault.

"Yes…Inuyasha?" she prompted softly after a few minutes of his silence. Still unable to look at her, Inuyasha started out waveringly. "Kagome, I…I"

"It's alright…Inuyasha."

"Damnit, Kagome, would you stop interrupting me?!" he screamed, finally looking up to meet her gaze. Walking over to her, he encased her small frame into his. "Kagome…I need to tell you this." He started, stroking her hair. "When you tried to ask me why I said what I said earlier…I couldn't answer you."

Kagome was still in his arms, not sure whether to return the gesture or not.

"And…to tell you the truth…I still can't." he continued.

Kagome pulled away from him gently, looking up at him with a whole lot of pain and a hint of confusion in her eyes. "Wha…what are you…what do you mean?"

Inuyasha took hold of both her hands. "Kagome…" he struggled to get the words out of his mouth. "…I don't know. I wish I knew, but…I don't." Gulping, he closed his eyes for a moment, before reopening them. "I thought that was what I wanted. But now…I have no idea. Kikyo means a lot to me, Kagome…"

Kagome's chest tightened at this.

"But…you mean a lot to me too." Inuyasha confessed. "Actually, I wouldn't know what to do to myself if you weren't here. But…I made a promise. I can't ever break that promise, Kagome."

Kagome only nodded her head, holding back the fresh tears that threatened to fall.

"That's why I'm telling you the truth when I say I don't know. I can't leave her…but I can't imagine a life without you. I don't know what to think. I don't what to choose. I don't even understand a thing about this anymore." He said.

Kagome pulled away, and she was more than thankful when he let her. "Get away from me…" she whispered.

Inuyasha looked up at her with a hurt expression.

"Please…get away from me, Inuyasha..."

"Why…Kagome?" he asked hesitantly, afraid to find out the answer.

She waited a moment. "You just need to get away from me…because I…might not be able to get away from you."

Inuyasha wasn't sure whether to be happy or down right depressed at this. He took a step forward and she took one back, getting closer and closer to the well. "Please…"

A hot tear slid down her cheek and she whispered softly to him. "I'm sorry."

Suddenly, a blue light emanated from the well. They both looked at the well and the light with surprise. Inuyasha raced forward to try and protect Kagome, but the light beat him to it, wrapping her form and lifting it in the air. She dropped her bottle containing the last of the Shikon shards in it…the rest was with Naraku.

Then, just as sudden as the light had appeared, it had disappeared, along with Kagome. Kagome found herself warping through time like she usually did…only this time, she was being forced to. It happened so fast, she didn't even get to say anything to the inuhanyou. She landed with a thump on solid dirt. Looking up and hearing Souta's voice, Kagome realized she was back in her time.

xOxO

Inuyasha just stood there stunned for what seemed like a few minutes. Never had the well ever done that. An instinct had told him to hurry and chase after her, but he was frozen. A glint caught his eye and snapped him out of his trance. Looking down, he saw the bottle Kagome carried for the Shikon shards. He ran over and picked it up.

He didn't know why, but panic rose through him and his instinct kicked in again…harder this time. Jumping down the well, Inuyasha was distraught when he found out…he couldn't pass through.

He jumped out and jumped in a few times and ended up with the same result. What the hell was happening? Was this Kagome's doing? He tried again. No such luck.

He scratched and clawed at the earth until his hands started bleeding. Staring at the ground, Inuyasha was caught off guard when he felt something hot and wet slide down his cheek and onto his hand.

With a start, he realized…he was crying.