This is something i wrote last week during a really bad bout of depression, its basically about Kai and him having lost those who mean the most to him. Its quite a sad peice and shows Kai in what i think someone who has gone through all he has would be reduced to when all he ever knew has gone.

Disclaimer: I do not own beyblade, no matter how much i dream of it its not mine. I do however own a very old yellow yo-yo that my mum found on the side of the road.

Warning: Uhm this involves someone who is depressed and mentally unstable if you dont like dont read.

You dont know how it feels
To be you own best friend
On the outside looking in

He woke to the sound of birds chirping, rolling onto his back he scrunched up his eyes to block the blinding sun that was filtering in through the window which he had forgotten to close the blinds to. A slim almost feminine hand rubbed at deep burgandy eyes, his sleep fuddled brain still trying to process that his body was awake.

He gasped as red hot pain surged throughout his body, his brain kicking into gear, remembering everything, their pale faces, lifeless eyes, unmoving bodies. A harsh pain filled cry tore from his throat, tears pricked at the back of his eys but refused to fall. He slammed his fists down harshly on the bed as he kicked and punched the soft mattress. He felt like he failed them, his team, his friends, his family. If it hadnt been for him they would all still be alive but he made a stupid and foolish mistake that had cost them their lives.

The funeral was four months ago, yet he can still clearly see the looks on everyones faces. The look of stunned belief, they knew what they were seeing infront of them yet they refused to believe it as tears coarsed down their cheeks. He didn't cry, no matter how much he wanted everyone to know that he was hurting just as much as them, the tears would not fall. Too many a year spent repressing his feelings had left them unavailable to him when he so desperatly ached for them.

He knew what they were all thinking as they watched him and waited for him to cry. They all thought that he was some kind of heartless bastard when in actual fact he was the opposite, he cared too much and in the end that got them killed. He was just better as hiding and masking those feelings from everyone, except his teammates who saw right through his facades time and time again. He could never fathom why they put all their trust in him.

With a furocious growl he punched the wall above his headboard suceeding in leaving a large hole, the pain that throbed and ached in his hand was nothing compared to the pain that coursed through his veins, the pain that resided in his heart. He heard that voice again, the nagging one in the back of his head that kept telling him that it was all his fault, that he cared too much, that he became weak. It taunted him mocking and laughing at him 'til he was pressing his hands against his ears as he screamed at it to stop.

The faces, the sounds of their voices and laughs, haunted him, his waking moments and his dreams. Hating him, blaming him. Rage flew through him as the voice started again, "Its all your fault, you killed them Kai, " The voice changed to Max's sweet bubbly tone, "Yea Kai you killed me, and Tyson and Rei. We were your friends but you didn't care about us in the end, you just cared about power."

Kai rocked back and forth his hands pressed tightly over his ears. "No, no i didn't do it, im sorry i swear i never ment for you to get hurt, please forgive me , you guys were the only friends i ever had. No dont leave me Max come back, MAX!"

His breathing shortened as he felt panic bubbling in him like acid, his eyes darted around somewhat paranoid that someone was going to get him, eyes wide he let out a piercing shriek that caused the white coats to come rushing into his room. Kai laughed manically as they tried to restrain him but he fought them off all the while muttering "This is for you, for Max and Tyson and Rei, i'll fight them with my very being, i'll fight them for you"

Hysterical laughter rose up in him as they succesfully restrained him, one pulled a syringe out of his coat pocket and pulled up the bottom of Kai's white shirt and jabbed it into his hip. With a strangled yelp of pain Kai's movements ceased, slowly his laughter dying on his lips as he was slowly released, "Man this one should just be put down and out of his misery" He barely hurd one of them remark before he slipped into oblivion.

His eyes fluttered open slowly as his body flew into conciousness. He could feel the tightness of the bandages covering his right hand, the dull throbing of pain still drummed his temples. He tried to bring an arm up to massage his head but found he couldn't do so. He jerked roughly with his arms and feet and flung about. Looking down he realised he had been strapped to the bed. Screaming he twisted and pulled but could not free himself from the grips of the straps. Rage tore through him like a bullet through flesh and he yelled and screamed for them to let him go, to be forgiven.

He felt the prescence of someone looking through the small plastic window that sat in his door he could never open, he didnt have to look to see the pity in the persons eyes. He opened his mouth and let out a ravaged cry. "Go away you fucking pervert and stop fucking looking at me, i'll kill you i will just you wait and see i will fucking kill you!"

He lay panting from the exertion his throat raw from his screaming, but he could still feel someone watching him through the window, he lifted his head and tried to see who was looking at him but the window was at too high an angle for him to see. he let his head fall back onto the pillow when holding it up became too much for him.

Closing his eyes their faces swam into his head, laughing, joking. He cleanched his fists as he slammed his head back onto the pillow over and over again in an effort to drive them out. His attempts were futile as their voices started chanting his name, "Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai"

He growled out, "Leave me the fuck alone." He wished he was dead, that he had joined his friends wherever they were. He wanted them to just kill him, put him out of his misery. But he knew that this was his fate, his punishment for all he had done wrong. To live out the rest of his live hauted and plagued by memories of his friends. He may have not killed them by his own hand but he had a hand in their deaths, he led them to that horrid retched place he grew up in. If he had only just gone on his own then they would still be here. Alive.

He cried out and curled his fingers into fists as he jerked around still trying to loosen his bonds, he knew it was futile to try as they wouldn't have likely left them loosened for him. That would be too kind. And the weren't in the habit of being nice.

- - - - - - -

Grandpa Granger stood at the door and watched through the small plastic window at the shell of the boy raging and writhing on the bed. His heart ached as he looked upon the boy he had considered as a adopted grandson, who was family to him. A tear slipped from his eye and trailed down the curve of his cheek to his lips. Kai was hurting more then anyone, he had lost everything when his team mates and friends died.

Being locked in here wasnt going to help him much, he turned to the doctor who was leaning against the wall opposite the door in a very Kai like pose. "Is there nothing that can be done?" The docter shook his head, "Im afraid not, we've done all we can, but the rest is up to him. He cannot be released into society until these "voices" he hears and shouts at are gone. His temperment is too unstable, he would be a danger to himself and others. None of it is real. His condition is all in his head, he has convinced himself that he is crazy and until he accepts that fact he must remain away from society."

Grandpa Granger turned back to the window, Kai was still and immobile. To the see the once stoic caption of the Bladebreakers like this broke his heart. He wanted to reach out and pull the boy to him but he knew the doctors nor Kai would allow him to do so. And so it was with a heavy heart that Grandpa Granger turned once more and walked away from the small two toned boy in the bed -who he desperately craved to soothe- and Russia.

- - - - - - -

The voices were back again, he had been moved to a room, a nice comfy padded room. With the straight jacket on, his arms bound across his chest and strapped in place behind him, he could not punch anything. He took to sitting in the corner the left one from the door, and when they came to him taunting, mocking, teasing, he pounded his head against the wall in hopes that maybe one day the padding would not be there and blood would ooze from his head and he would die and be free. But he knew in some rational region of his mind that he would never be free.

They appeared before him for the first time in, he didn't know how long. Time was not known inside. They smiled at him and pain ripped through his body violently making him cry out harshly and thrash around wanting it to just stop.

"Im sitting in a room
with only big white walls
and in the halls
there are people looking through
the window window "

He chuckled manically to himself as he sang in a eery voice, as the non existant figures of his team mates taunted and teased him. And it was then in that moment that he realised he had no where else to go, no one who wanted him, he realised that he would be in here forever and that forever was indeed a very long time.

Ok uhm well i hope you like it, and please tell me what you thought, i have gone over this about a million times correcting things and taking bits out and looking over the grammer and spelling and everything and making sure it was perfect, so if there is any grammer or spelling mistakes sorry i musnt have seen them

Phoenix