1.

"Your Rukongai rat manners will surely make a lasting impression on Kuchiki sharks. Then, you will blush," said Yumichika. "What do you think, Shuu-chan?"

Hisagi snapped out of his little daydream land and readily agreed. Renji, being outnumbered, had no choice but to give in. The irrational fear of Kuchiki's small domestic army might or might not make a substantial contribution to his cooperation, but all possible escape routes were blocked by his friends anyway.

Besides, he was starving.

Yet, even with all angles considered, Renji felt quite uneasy standing in front of The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife, a fine establishment where thirty-six exquisite octopus dishes were served to fulfill the cravings of the most capricious shinigami in Seireitei.

Ikkaku didn't look too excited about the idea either, "So, what the fuck are we celebrating this time, Ayasegawa-sama?" Ikkaku asked, intoning Yumichika's name with the bitterest sarcasm he was capable of. It seemed like Yumichika had been really pushing the division budget lately. No surprises here, Yumichika just adored to be pampered.

"The reason for today's festivities is, of course, Renji's adoption into Kuchiki clan. After all the effort we've pumped into this hopeless venture, it's only fair to make sure he's not going to make a fool of himself when the octopuses are served, if you know what I mean."

"Hey! There's no fucking adoption, Yumichika!" protested Renji.

"I don't wanna know what you mean," hissed Ikkaku.

Hisagi's half smile indicated that he knew exactly what Yumichika meant and found it mildly amusing. How senpai could find anything amusing after being teased non-stop all day long was a mystery in itself. Renji would die from embarrassment, had it been him.

Lost in thoughts, Renji almost missed the moment when Hisagi-sama started to order, "...and these gentlemen will have the first and the fifteenth views respectively."

"The fifteenth already?" asked Ikkaku.

"You had the fourteenth view when we were celebrating Yachiru's birthday for the third time and she was five views ahead of you."

Renji looked around at highly suggestive octopuses murals and cleared his throat. The murals were only borderline decent. "Wait a second! You brought Yachiru here?"

"Sure. Octopuses are nutritious."

"And taichou?"

"Octopuses are nutritious," repeated Hisagi and Renji felt like an idiot. It was only food, what was he thinking about? If he was going to stick with Kuchiki, he'd better start getting used to all these frills, including the damn murals.Besides, the captain had promised to show him some scrolls, so he'd better be ready for the fine arts.

"And why did you order only for me and Ikkaku?"

Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "Because they're regulars! They eat the same shit over and over again."

"Never offend the artist, Ikkaku," Yumichika cut in. "These octopuses are works of art, show some respect, would you? It's very simple, Renji, you find the combination worth exploring and savor the subtleties. Savoring takes time."

"And then what?"

"Then, you switch the combination, of course."

Renji blushed slightly, reminding himself again that it was nothing but food and that he must not be intimidated at any cost. That was the whole point of being here, right? "And how do you know when to switch?" he asked.

Yumichika waited until a server placed a plate in front of him, picked one of the purple curly legs with his chopsticks, and waived it in front of Renji's nose. "When this is spiced differently. Would you like some?"

And Renji's blood rushed to his face once again.

2.

Shuuhei leaned to smell the octopuses on his plate, hiding the smile. The guys had years and years to get used to Yumi's non-stop sex jokes, yet, one was blushing and the other was rolling his eyes. Go figure. He looked up to check the angle between Yumi's brow feathers. The shift was tiny, but it still meant he'd better change the selection next time. Yumi smiled back with a corner of his mouth. It used to be so much tougher in the beginning - "I'd be delighted to fulfill your special request, Shuu-chan, but you have to order it first, you know, in a proper way." "What's the damn number?" "Well, it's somewhere in the twenties..." Now he could recite the menu backwards and in his sleep. Including all the side dishes.

For some time they ate in comfortable silence, then they ate in uncomfortable silence, and when the silence became unbearable, it was for Renji to break it, because no one else would. "So, Yumichika, what's that master reflex you mentioned yesterday?"

"Master reflex? Oh, you mean the cremasteric reflex?"

Shuuhei knew this kind of voice. "Curiosity is a lovely character trait, Shuu-chan," Yumi would say with the exact same pitch. Sometimes he wished, but only briefly, he wasn't so damn curious.

"Yeah, whatever."

"That's simple, Renji. I'll show you, if you stand up." Yumichika pushed his plate aside and got up. "Look, when I stroke your thigh down like this..."

"Hey, watch it! Why the fuck do you think you can touch me? Did you ask if you could touch me?"

"I told you. You mean I had to ask? Oh, I'm really, really, sorry. I mean, really," Yumichika said, settling back on the floor.

Shuuhei thanked whatever higher forces might be eavesdropping that the gap between Yumi's promises and inevitable follow-ups was bearable. Most of the times. He glanced up across the table at Ikkaku and their eyes met. But of course, the promises. Renji failed to notice the shared moment.

"Anyway, your testicles retracted, didn't they?" Yumichika continued, as if nothing had happened.

"Huh?"

"The testicles are located in the scrotum beneath the penis."

"I know where they are! Dammit!"

Ikkaku snorted. Shuuhei bit his lip. Making a stupid noise just like that won him more than once a detailed explanation of what a blowjob was. Too bad that Yumi could filter fake stupid noises, but Yumi's definitions drifted in the most peculiar fashion, leaving him no grounds for complains... Absolutely no grounds. Made him almost believe in levitation.

"Eh... I guess they did," admitted Renji finally.

"That's it! That's the normal response of the cremaster muscle to stimulation."

Yumichika picked another piece of octopus, examined it carefully and placed it on Shuuhei's plate. In his turn, Shuuhei moved his bowl with pickled radish to Yumichika's side. Wild card deviations were always welcome, but required something nice in exchange.

"I see... and where's the catch?" asked Renji with a huge sigh.

"Well, you know that testicles are quite a vulnerable part of the body, so it would've been nice to be able to protect them, don't you think?"

Ikkaku finished his sake in one quick gulp and Shuuhei followed the example, wondering whether Ikkaku acted entirely on instinct.

"I guess it would," said Renji.

"You are not alone, Renji. Some very old samurai clans developed a secret technique that would allow them to retract the testicles into the body completely. The nobles keep it to themselves, of course. I bet, Kuchiki knows everything."

"Really?"

Shuuhei bit his lip again. Keeping the straight face was more and more challenging. Yumi never used this clinical language in private. Testicles? Balls were balls, and some balls were lovely. He managed to stop the flashback before it became too exciting and pulled back from the table just a little bit. Across the table Ikkaku mirrored his move.

"You can build other muscles, right? Same thing."

"How can you build this one?"

"Lots and lots of practice, Renji."

"It can't be worse than bankai!"

"Well, this reflex cannot be activated by you, because your brain will resist the stimulation. That's why you have to find a partner who can rub your thigh up and down for at least an hour a day."

Shuuhei's memory took him directly to the close view of Yumi's silky thigh and went rolling on from there. Ikkaku's grin stopped him halfway to his plate. Damn! How come he was so affected? This time Renji busted them.

"Perhaps, now you can get the dead fish to help you out..."

"You! You!" Renji jumped to his feet at loss of words and the room exploded with laughter. "All of you!!!"

"How the hell did you know he was kidding?" he asked when no one could laugh any more.

Shuuhei and Ikkaku looked at each other once more. Really, how could they know?

"Beats me," Ikkaku said.

"Likewise," Shuuhei lied. He hadn't spent five hours yesterday for nothing. Renji getting a hard-on would have ruined the story, so they practiced until Yumi could spot the elusive muscle with his eyes closed. Perhaps, if Yumi hadn't voiced his doubts regarding the muscle's very existence in front of Fujikujaku, they wouldn't have lost two hours consoling the angry peacock who took the accusation rather personal and kept cursing the 'ingrates with zero ideas of their own'. On a good side though, petting Yumichika's bird wasn't something they'd let him do every day.

"Don't worry, Renji," said Yumichika, his innocent and optimistic smile firmly in place. "We won't let you down. Next time you'll try the second view. It's really delicious, I promise."