DISCLAIMER: I think Gintama is more fun to mess with from a distance than to own, so it's lucky that I own it in no way whatsoever.
WARNINGS: Hastily done writing. Cross-dressing Sougou.
TIMELINE: Some time after Okita becomes sisterless, I suppose. Also after my other story Artistic License, although that only matters for about two paragraphs.
A/N: I'm so behind on everything Gintama that it's not even funny (sigh). This was supposed to be a short little one-shot to get myself writing again, but it seems to be mutating. Dedicated to those who asked for more HxS romance, which this . . . . maybe is. If you're really desperate.
Everyone who reviewed recently or months ago, once (!) twice(!!) or lots (!!!) you are AWESOME and I am beyond lame for being too unorganized to answer. Hope this makes up for it a little.
Ten Steps to Break(down)through
By keyascribe
1. The Plan
The first time, Kondo got as far as ". . . and since Sougou knows how to cross-dresss . . ." before Hijikata said a bad word and stormed out of the room. That afternoon, the subsequent fourteen attempts at explaining the 'brilliant strategy that will allow us to catch illicit smugglers in the act' all ended somewhere before the second word – and sometimes even before the second syllable.
By the second day, the Shinsengumi had already become accustomed to Hijikata suddenly glaring at Kondo's opening mouth and heading for the door on the heels of a snarled "No." However, if one wanted to take the time and effort to piece together Kondo's fits and starts of brilliant strategy explanation, it might come together like this:
a) there was a such thing as a "honeymoon trip" spaceship that circled over Edo
b) someone was using this to smuggle drugs
c) this was bad
d) REALLY bad
e) like totally against everything the Shinsengumi stood for!
f) so they should stop it
g) which mean they needed to get on the boat
h) which required at least one couple consisting of a man and a woman
i) but there weren't any woman in the Shinsengumi
j) so since Sougou knows how to cross-dress . . . . .
Eventually, as he became more desperate, Kondo started to add to his attempts at communication such subtle guilt trips as "after all, remember that time you and Sougou went behind my back to thwart the government's friends' evil battling arena and then I nearly died because of it?" and Hijikata ground out his cigarette with his teeth and finally listened.
It wasn't so much because of guilt. Any vague moral unease had definitely been exercised after months of Toshi, buy me dinner because you know that time you and Sougou almost got me killed by our employers? – Naa, Toshi, can I have the last cookie because you know, there was that time when you and Sougou almost got me killed – Toshi, help me serenade Otae-san under her bedroom window because I lost ground during that time when you and Sougou almost got me killed. . . .
The last had been particularly ridiculous, since the Kondo nearly being killed part had only lasted about an hour. Besides, Otae lived in a one floor dojo, so serenading her had meant having to crouch down under the engawa and that was, besides stalkerish (something Isao obviously had no problem with) stupid and certainly not conducive to good two-part harmony.
Somehow, despite it being you and Sougou almost got me killed it was never Sougou that ended up with a mild concussion after having to run for it under the floorboards when Otae finally woke up enough to realize what was happening.
Still, the attempt at guilting Hijikata was important because it was Kondo's last weapon before he had to go ahead and order Toshirou to do something. At which point Hijikata was going to have to do it.
So if he was going to have to do it, he might as well pretend he had a choice in the matter. That way he at least got points for magnanimity.
"Fine, dammit, what?" he snarled.
Okay, not a lot of points for magnanimity.
Kondo beamed. Toshi was so magnanimous! "k)," he said eagerly, continuing where he had left off, "I thought you and Sougou could infiltrate the boat and catch the smugglers!"
He had expected an explosion, and took it as an unexpectedly good sign when Hijikata didn't immediately react. In truth, this was only because Hijikata was trying to mentally connect k) to a)-j), coming to an incredibly disturbing conclusion, then rejecting it and trying the whole process again.
But really, no matter how Hijikata tried to fit the pieces together, it really sounded as if Kondo was suggesting that Hijikata and Okita go on the boat as a . . . a . . . a co—
A coup---
. . . a couple?
Then there was an explosion.
It was only instinct, the rest of him being pretty much numb with shock and horror, that allowed Hijikata to twist out of the way of the bazooka in time. Several crowded seconds later, amid a light shower of dust and debris from the remains of the back wall, Hijikata pushed himself off the floor and seethed because once again, Sougou's explosion had usurped his planned explosion.
It would have been a really good explosion, too. Even Kondo would have been swayed by his intense righteous anger.
Well. This was Kondo Isao, so . . . not.
Once again Hijikata wondered at the intelligence of following one of the few people in the greater Edo area who never ever got intimidated by him when he wanted them too.
One of the other few casually slid his rocket launcher off his shoulder and made a disappointed face as he noticed none of Hijikata's appendages were strewn bloodily about the floor.
"Ah, Sougou!" Kondo greeted the Shinsengumi captain as if astounding good fortune rather than bloodminded intent to maim had brought him forth at this exact time. "You don't mind being affianced to Toshi, do you?"
Affianced?
"Affianced?" Hijikata repeated incredulously. "AFFIANCED?"
"It's a honeymoon trip, so you have to be married and no one gets married unless they're affianced," Kondo said reasonably. Or, looking at it from another, more Hijikata-oriented point of view, entirely unreasonably.
"Affianced . . .to him?" Hijikata shuddered. The concept was so obviously incredibly wrong on so many, many, many levels that he couldn't even find the words to oppose it properly.
Sougou gave him a bored look. "That means I get all his wordly possessions if he dies, right?" he asked with only mild interest.
"NO." said Hijikata Toshirou.
"Actually, he's right, Toshi," Kondo corrected. "But Sougou, it's no fair attacking him if you're in the same bed, okay?"
"NO." said Hijikata again.
"Toshi, they'll get suspicious if you two sleep separately."
"NO!" Hijikata said more forcefully, which was impressive because he had already been at full offensive force mach 4. "NO I am not going to have Sougou as my fiance! NO I will not share a bed with that psycho. And NO I will NOT have anything to do with this!"
"Kondo-san," said Sougou, ignoring him, "do I have to wear makeup?"
"NO! Can you not hear me saying NO!?"
"Certainly," agreed Kondo, also ignoring him. "Toshi definitely likes a woman in makeup."
"NO! I mean, yes I do, but NO!"
Sougou cast a speculative look his way. "Do I get hazard pay if he tries to ravish me?"
"I WILL NOT TRY TO RAVISH YOU!"
Kondo nodded approvingly. "Toshi promises not to ravish you."
"But you know what he's like," Sougou said distrustfully.
"I know," Kondo agreed sympathetically over the background of Hijikata's useless temper tantrum. "But you can always kick him where it hurts. We'll understand."
Hijikata ground his teeth as Sougou's eyes lit up happily, and then and there he made a sacred oath that nothing, no power on earth, could ever tempt him to even think about ravishing Okita Sougou. No intervention of divine power, no dramatic reversal of the space time continuum. Nothing.
2. The Clothes
It was a kimono. It was a short, very short, kimono. And there were stockings. Thigh high stockings. With lace.
"Wow," breathed someone from the midst of assembled members of the squads, the tone sounding somewhere between impressed and terrified. Hijikata was absolutely he hadn't said it, because whatever he was thinking, it definitely wasn't akin in any way to "wow". In fact, his thought process was more like a continual loop of "short" "lace" "my god" "need cigarette NOW".
With iron nonchalance, he lit up a smoke and focused on that rather than the way Sougou was being . . . lacy.
"Kondo-saaaan, Hijikata-san isn't even looking," Sougou pouted.
"Well, he's already seen you in a dress," Kondo pointed out.
Everyone in the room (and it was everyone in the Shinsengumi since the bizarre concept of Captain Okita Sougou in drag held a certain fascination for anyone who had ever met said teenage embodiment of sadism) swiveled in one synchronized motion to study Hijikata.
Hijikata shot them a look. The ones who hadn't already gone pale from seeing Sougou now went pale. The others went paler. "It was one time!" he growled, daring anyone to comment further.
They had been over this. It wasn't like he wasn't still walking into the common rooms to find pinned up covers from that damn 24 volume coming of age samurai saga with him and Sougou on the cover and big fluffy hearts drawn around them in sparkly markers. Although possibly it Sougou himself who was doing it because his twisted sense of humor found it amusing.
It was in no way amusing.
Yes, it had been a women's kimono that one time. One time that Hijikata had repeatedly tried to scour from his brain. But even that time, as mentally scarring as it had been, had at least been much less . . . short. With absolutely no involvement of . . . thigh. Never had Hijikata dreamed that he would wish for the good old days when Sougou's cross-dressing didn't involve lace.
"It, um, looks nice Okita-taichou," said one of the squad members in a tone that signaled he knew he was either going to get brownie points for the comment or a bazooka in the face. Or both. Very . . ." he tried to search for an accurate adjective and failed miserably. "Cuddly?"
"No cuddling," Hijikata and Sougou both said flatly.
Sougou was not cuddly.
Even Hijikata would – well, might – to himself, on a cold day in hell – admit that the kimono did indeed look strangely . . . not bad . . . on Sougou. The discordant note was the captain's expression, which remained the same as always and clearly expressed a) you are boring me b) I would like to kill you and c) even if I did kill you it would still bore me.
That was not cuddly.
"Toshi, give your fiancé a compliment," Kondo urged.
Hijikata considered this. "You look like a slut," he said after mulling over several possibilities.
"You like sluts," Sougou pointed out implacably.
Damn, thought Hijikata Toshirou.
3. The Preparations
Yamazaki stood at attention in the front of the room and cleared his throat, looking as nervous as it was natural to look if you were about to advise the demon of the Shinsengumi on how to act lovey dovey with his long-feuding 1st captain. This was so nervous as to be bordering on terrified, because there were some people who could get away unharmed after introducing this kind of topic to these kind of people - and then there was Yamazaki.
After a long moment, Kondo cleared his own throat. "Yamazaki, you haven't said anything," he prompted.
"Oh? Uh, I haven't?"
Yamazaki had been fervently hoping that aliens would suddenly invade, forcing him to cancel his speech.
. . . .well of course aliens had already invaded.
Evil aliens, then.
That was, the evil aliens the Shinsengumi was allowed to attack.
Not the other kind, that the government liked.
Those wouldn't be helpful at all.
"Yamazaki, you still aren't talking."
"Oh! Sorry, sir." Yamazaki blinked and cleared his throat again. He had, after all, worked hard for this research and had been slapped hard several times for being a peeping tom along the way.
Which he wasn't.
Well, except when the job required it. Which was, quite frankly, surprisingly often.
But it wasn't like he enjoyed it.
Ok, sometimes he did. But really it--
"Ya. Ma. Za. Ki," Hijikata growled, sending primal terror through the spy and causing his mouth to start operating even while his brain begged it not to.
"Hai!! According to my research, affianced couples act in several distinctive ways. They often h-hold hands – "
"No," said Sougou and Hijikata.
"—they f-feed each other food—"
"No," said Sougou and Hijikata.
"—they often s-speak in tandem—"
"N—" Sougou and Hijikata started to say, then stopped and looked pointedly away, Hijikata growling and even Sougou looking slightly put out.
"Th-there's also. Well. The man. Tends to. Gropehisfiancéalot," Yamazaki swallowed and pushed on quickly in the hopes that Hijikata hadn't heard what he had just said, "and the woman worries about her fiance's health--"
"I don't want to grope him," Hijikata hissed.
"And I don't want him to have good health," Sougou added reasonably.
"Pretend!" Kondo bellowed in a dramatic, fist-clenched way, as if he were encouraging them to do something actually heroic. "Toshi – grope. Sougou – tell him to take care of himself. Now."
Extremely aware of the assorted watchers, most of whom were just barely too scared of him to leer, Hijikata trudged over to Okita and gingerly placed a hand on Sougou's shoulder, the least dangerous part of the captain he could think of.
"There," he said sullenly. "Your turn."
Sougou gazed at him thoughtfully. "You should smoke less," he said finally. "Your teeth are turning yellow and your breath is unwholesome. Also stop eating so much mayo," he added, warming up to the task, "it's gross and unhealthy and makes you fat. You have no fashion sense and you need a haircut. Also---"
"Worried, Sougou. Not critical," Kondo interrupted.
"Oh." Sougou looked disappointed. "Then . . . how's this? 'Watch out, it's dangerous'."
Hijikata started to say "What is?" but once again instinct cut in and he bent over backward and twisted to narrowly avoid the blade.
Where had Sougou even been hiding a sword?
"Hmmm," Kondo said thoughtfully as Hijikata swore on the floor. "Maybe we should just focus on the groping."
tbc, whee