Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.

Yoru: So I'm on a romance binge, and this song randomly popped into my head on my way home today. And because my current favorite story that I'm working on is "Collar", it turned into a Kazahaya x Rikuo.

Kuronue: If you can find the logic there, please let us know.

Yoru: Anyway, here you go. Kazahaya won't say he's in love…and Saiga's determined to torture it out of him…and no, I don't actually know where he's getting the ice cubes…it's Saiga, make it up yourself.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment

I guess I've already won that

Kazahaya shrieked as something cold went down his back.

"WHO DID IT? I SWEAR, WHEN I FIND YOU!!!" He lunged at the closest black-dressed person, bringing them both to the ground. Sitting up and straddling the larger person, Kazahaya was ready to crow his victory to the heavens.

"It was Saiga, you idiot."

Kazahaya glanced down to see familiar angry eyes burning at him. He leaped off, cringing. Rikuo got up and dusted himself off, still glaring at his would-be attacker.

"Check before you just go around tackling people. I could have been a customer."

"Ha! We're closed! Therefore you are not a customer!" Kazahaya shouted, hiding behind a display.

"Did the word 'clear' come over the intercom? No. Therefore, there could still be customers in the store. But of course, a rabid animal like you would never think of that." Rikuo smirked as Kazahaya stammered angrily before turning away.

No man is worth the aggravation

That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Kazahaya seethed as he helped Rikuo close the store down completely. He could hear Saiga laughing a few aisles over, and Rikuo wasn't talking to him.

Not that he cared whether the gorilla was talking to him.

Of course not. Sure, he might have thought Rikuo was attractive at first glance, but no way did he think that now. And maybe he hadn't been totally miserable during the whole chocolate episode. But he would have liked that if it had been anybody, right?

"I don't even like him," Kazahaya muttered.

"Really?" came a soft, deceivingly gentle voice behind him.

Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'?

He's the Earth and heaven to you

Try to keep it hidden

Honey, we can see right through you

Kakei smiled as Kazahaya whirled around.

"K-Kakei-san! Wait, what did that mean?"

"You really don't like Rikuo? After all he's done for you." Kakei's eyes turned sad as he waited for Kazahaya's response.

"What?"

"He took you in, fed you, saved your life countless times. And you don't like him?"

"Besides, you're blushing," came another voice, deeper this time. Kazahaya screeched as a large arm captured his waist and pulled him against a muscular body.

"I am not!" Kazahaya struggled uselessly.

"Oh, yes you are. Come on, kid, we know how you really feel about darling Rikuo."

Girl, ya can't conceal it

We know how ya feel and

Who you're thinking of

"I don't feel anything but hate for him!"

"Bull. You're in L-O-V-E." Saiga let go of Kazahaya just long enough to slip another ice cube down his back, earning a nice, loud scream.

"YOU ASSHOLE!!!"

"Now, now, Saiga was just cooling you down. You were…shall we say…overheating." Kakei closed his eyes and smiled, giving the impression of the devil he was.

Another ice cube found its way into Kazahaya's shirt, but this time a hand clamped over his mouth before he could scream.

"I'm going to remove my hand, and you're going to say it. Just 'I love Rikuo', and the torture will end." Kakei was obviously enjoying himself. Kazahaya shook his head frantically.

No chance, no way

I won't say it, no, no

Kazahaya gave a muffled shriek as yet another ice cube invaded his personal space.

"Say it." Kakei took his hand away.

"No!"

This time Saiga rubbed the ice cube around, spreading the cold around Kazahaya's back and making him scream bloody murder. Kakei's hand was hardly enough to hold all the noise in.

"Oh, you do too. And all you have to do is say it. It's just us, what harm could it do?"

You swoon, you sigh

Why deny it, uh-oh

"Lots of harm! Lots and lots and lots of harm!"

"It seems we'll have to resort to…harsher methods." Saiga began rooting around in a pocket. Kazahaya tried to get away, but the other man's grip was too strong.

"RIKUO! HELP ME YOU JERK!"

"I sent him to pick up some Chinese that I ordered…on the other side of town. He won't be back for a while."

Kazahaya felt the icy chill of terror settle over his heart.

It's too cliché

I won't say I'm in love

Kazahaya fought desperately as Saiga pulled off his shirt. Before he knew it, he was on the ground, hands tied by his shirt and sat on by Kakei, who was also working to gag him. Saiga sat on his feet and pulled out a jar.

"WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME? RAPE! RA—!" Kazahaya was abruptly cut off by Kakei's hand.

"It's your worst nightmare. Now say it." Saiga nodded at Kakei, who removed his hand.

"NO!" shouted Kazahaya. Saiga shrugged and began spreading peanut butter over Kazahaya's bare chest. Kakei's hand was almost blown away by the onslaught of sound that it was muffling.

"Say it or we'll spread it ALL OVER."

I thought my heart had learned its lesson

It feels so good when you start out

My head is screaming "get a grip, girl!"

Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

"I can't love him."

Saiga stopped spreading. Kakei actually looked unsure for the first time in his life. Kazahaya looked like he was about to cry.

"What do you mean by that, Kazahaya?" Kakei asked softly.

"I mean…PSYCHE!" Kazahaya used their surprise to leap up and make for the door. Unfortunately, thanks to Kakei, he didn't get far before he tripped over a conveniently placed doorstop.

You keep on denying

Who you are and how you're feeling

Baby, we're not buying

Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling

"Anyway…" This time Saiga had Kazahaya tied to a shelf, so no amount of trickery would free him. Kazahaya fought as they spread peanut butter all over his torso as punishment.

"Now. You can't deny. Don't think we can't see how you look at your handsome co-worker, Kazahaya."

"I won't say it! Get it through your head!"

"You need to stop with the childish denial, Kazahaya. We can tell."

"Then why do you want me to say it so badly?"

"Because you need to face facts, my dear."

Face it like a grown-up

When ya gonna own up

That ya got, got, got it bad

Kazahaya was resigned to the fact that he was going to end up looking like a badly made sandwich. However, the bananas were a bit much.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?" he shouted as Saiga pulled yet another slice of delicious yellow fruit from a Ziploc bag.

"Kazahaya, you wouldn't be suffering if you'd just give us what we want." Kakei leaned down and took a slice of banana from Kazahaya's stomach. Chewing thoughtfully, he noticed Kazahaya's flash of discomfort. Kakei's face broke into a grin.

"A little uncomfortable with that, Kazahaya?"

No chance, no way

I won't say it, no, no

Kazahaya's eyes widened, and he bucked as Kakei leaned down and slowly licked up some peanut butter.

"Come on, or I'll lick it all." Kakei licked another trail up Kazahaya's chest, smirking at the struggles.

"I won't say it, no matter what you do!" Kazahaya cried. Kakei finally sat up and put his hands on his hips.

"Why not? You have to face it sometime."

Give up, give in

Check the grin, you're in love

"I don't have to face anything!"

"Do too," Saiga contributed to the conversation.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not." Kazahaya and Saiga glared at each other (at least, Kazahaya assumed Saiga was glaring) for what felt like a long time. Then Saiga licked a piece of banana off of Kazahaya, who screamed.

This scene won't play

I won't say I'm in love

After what seemed like hours of peanut-buttery-insanity, Saiga finally let Kazahaya go. Kazahaya growled at him.

"Great, now I can't put my shirt on."

"Oh, Rikuo will like that." Kakei smiled as he eyed Kazahaya's still-covered torso. Kazahaya glared daggers at him.

"He won't see it. I'm going to go take a shower."

"He'll like that too."

You're doin' flips, read our lips

You're in love

"Kakei, sometimes I hate you."

"I'm sure you do. Now, say it. Just once, for the record."

"No." Kazahaya started up the stairs.

"You know you are, Kazahaya. One day it will bite you on the nose." Kakei sighed as Kazahaya's glare intensified.

You're way off base

I won't say it

Get off my case

I won't say it

"Look, he looks like a little peanut-butter-dragon," Saiga cooed.

"One day you're going to make me snap," Kazahaya snarled. Kakei laughed.

"I long for that day, and so does…"

"Don't say it!"

"…Saiga. You really need to learn to let people finish their sentences." Kakei leaned back into his lover as Kazahaya threw his hands into the air. Watching the boy lose his composure was so entertaining.

Girl, don't be proud

It's O.K., you're in love

"It's okay, you know," Kakei said just as Kazahaya was about to continue up the stairs.

"What is?"

"Being in love with Rikuo."

"Whatever." Kazahaya ran up the stairs and leapt into the shower, washing the peanut butter off of him. He hated Kakei and Saiga sometimes. The nerve of them! And yet, maybe it was okay.

He stepped out of the shower and dried off, putting the pajamas he'd left there on. Stepping out of the bathroom, he was met by warm lips on his own.

"You're back."

"Yeah."

Kazahaya smiled slightly as Rikuo kissed him again.

At least out loud

I won't say I'm in love