A/N Okay, so my New Years' resolution was to finish all my fics and I haven't actually posted anything for more than six months. But it's ok! I'm actually getting round to it now! Plus a certain new fan who flooded my inbox with reviews and favourites and alerts last night has inspired me.

I'm missing you, Aster and Twonk! It's totally sane in my side of the county :(

Rei broke Anno's nose.

That wasn't what happened, it was the end result. What actually happened was that she hauled his semi-conscious form out from under the water and held his hand while he choked by the side of the pool, then when she was satisfied he wasn't going to die she drop-kicked him over the wall of the spring. His scream was heard in the distance, along with the very faint crunch of his delicate, girlish nose breaking. Unbeknownst to his comrades, Anno fell through the roof of an old building into the middle of an obscure cult who had at that moment been performing a ritual to summon their spiritual lord. After his nose was re-set he was taken by them to a golden palace built in an uninhabited corner of Suna, with two hundred servants to wait on him, and three beautiful and dedicated wives.

While this was going on, Tei calmly necked a bottle of sake that had appeared seemingly from nowhere, totally forgot what had just transpired and slunk up to Sasori, who still lay incapacitated on the floor. She produced a pack of cards, probably from the same place as the sake, and started building an elaborate card castle on his chest.

Konan, meanwhile, delivered an impressive right hook to Kakuzu, screaming "You made me spill my JUICE, you BASTARD!" No cults awaited Kakuzu, just a black eye the next morning, and some dental complications a few weeks later that were eventually solved by some crude surgical work with a pair of pliers, Sasori's sewing scissors and a lot of alcohol, which he barely survived.

But at the time he simply accepted his punishment as perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. Konan nodded approvingly.

Kisame slipped back into the water unseen by anyone, and the rest of the Akatsuki were absolutely oblivious to the fact that he was now in the final stages of... Kisame's Devious Plan!

He cleared his throat, then coughed a few times, then raised his hands, then eventually grabbed a megaphone and yelled "OI!", finally gaining the attentions of everybody except Tobi, who was watching a butterfly, and Tei, whose card castle was now as tall as she was, and featured several spires, rooms and windows; she was currently working on a dragon sitting atop the tallest tower, wings outstretched.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Kisame called out. "I believe we are all agreed that if we stay in the water much longer we shall indeed look like prunes! Wrinkly little prunes... aww... I like prunes... But enough! Maybe we should get out!"

"Whose megaphone is that?" Deidara asked eventually.

"Umm..." Kisame looked at the megaphone. "Your mum, apparantly."

"What?"

"I don't own a megaphone," Tei said absent-mindedly. Rei sighed and leaned in. The whispered conversation that followed went something like this:

"Tei, we've been through this. You're not Deidara's mother."

"I might be."

"He's older than you."

"That proves nothing!"

"You've never met his dad."

"You don't know that." She brandished the empty sake bottle. "If I did I probably wouldn't remember."

"True, but..."

"OI!" Yelled Hidan, who had snatched the microphone. "Nobody here cares who Deidara's mom is!"

"I do..."

"SHUT UP, DEIDARA! Nobody cares what YOU think!"

"... I do..." He muttered sullenly.

"... So do I, actually," Hidan amended. "Sorry. That was uncalled for."

"That's fine," Deidara said, and the two embraced in a totally manly way against a backdrop of the setting sun until a wolf-whistle by person or persons unknown interrupted the sweet moment, and they broke apart.

After brief examinations of their bodies, it was concluded that Kisame was right: prunes were cute. However, they didn't want to become prunes themselves, and so they all got out, with much pushing and shoving, and kicking Kakuzu out of the girls' changing rooms...

And the enactment of Kisame's Devious Plan.

Since the Author doesn't believe in fan service there shall be no descriptions of the scene in the men's changing room, all those dripping-wet gorgeous bodies in clingy towels etc. Let your imaginations do the talking.

"Kisame, tell me something," Itachi said, struggling with the knots in his hair.

"The volume of a sphere is 4/3 pi x r^3."

"Um... I was thinking something more specific."

"Go on."

"How come you kept slipping off to see the girls?"

"Oh? I was?" Kisame asked innocently.

"Yes, you were. If I didn't know you better I'd say you'd concocted a Devious Plan."

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you. But since I know better I'd say you were probably stealing stuff."

"Well..."

"Am I right?"

"I could have been doing both."

"A Devious Plan that involves stealing stuff?"

"Yeah, one of those."

And then there was a shrill scream.

It began as one of shock and horror, but quickly descended into rage, like the time Leader opened the door to his secret comic stash and found it had been raided and emptied. It promised death.

Itachi leaned around the door in time to spot Konan, modesty protected only by one arm and a well-placed slipper, stood in the hall looking ready to kill. He looked back to Kisame, who wore an expression of total indifference.

"Is there a problem?" Itachi asked eventually.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR CLOTHES?" Konan shrieked.

Itachi rolled his eyes and turned to Kisame. "Devious," he said. Kisame shrugged.

"I try to do my best." He lifted his cloak to reveal a bundle of women's' clothing. To smile would have been so very un-Itachi that it would have been painful, so he just twitched his facial muscles for a split-second into something vaguely amused. "They'll never suspect," Kisame added.

"TELL KISAME HE'S A DEAD MAN!"

"Oh..." Kisame deflated somewhat. "... Crap."

"Konan says you're a dead man," Itachi monotoned.

"Really?"

"Good luck, partner," he said with all the sincerity of someone not even a little bit sincere. Kisame swallowed and leaned against the wall, threw the bundle of clothes out of the door in the most defeatist gesture ever seen, then was knocked to the ground by Leader as the furious mastermind flung himself at Hidan armed with a blunt spork.

And with the carrying out of his earlier promise, all was set right with the world again, and the Akatsuki were able to leave the hot springs with a reasonable amount of ease, except for the hospitalisation of Kisame by three furious, partially dressed women, but he'd had it coming.

A few hours later somebody remembered to come back for Sasori, who eventually recovered movement in his joints.

And as for Anno, he stayed in his palace as god of the new cult in happiness for six months before one day waking up and seeing a rather large and hairy spider in the window. He thereupon squealed like a girl and, clad only in a long and frilly dress he'd been wearing for a string of complicated and perfectly acceptable reasons, fled the castle and sprinted in terror all the way back to the Akatsuki Hideout, where nobody had actually noticed him missing; upon beginning to tell his story, the general consensus was that he should shut up.

A/N DAMN STRAIGHT I FINALLY FINISHED ONE! Me love you all big lots! But the Author is in serious need of inspiration to finish all her ongoing Naruto fics so...?

Anyways, thank you a lot for reading to the end, I'm proud of you for surviving my crazy ramblings. Have fun.

Peace, out xx