I'm going back home tomorrow… but I just had to write something before that! Even if it was a oneshot… and a complete crackfic.

By Sakurazaki Emiri

In a beautiful place called Fuuka, far, far away, there lived two very beautiful girls. The first of these was Fujino Shizuru, The Kaichou of the evil ero yuri student council of far too much angst and plot-less smut. Then, there was her opposite, Princess Kuga Natsuki of lovely sparkly crappy Platonic shoujo-ai with panels overflowing with lilies.

There are also some things you should know about that land of fuuka: in this land, men are treated like slaves and whipped regularly and forced to dress in sailor moon cosplay outfits. It rains pineapples in fuuka, and the sand here is made out of that tasty sherbet rainbow stuff that comes in little tubes and tastes really good but leaves a nasty aftertaste in you mouth. There are frequent earthquakes because some idiot called Midori who claims she's 17 keeps using this giant drill thing to look for relics and whatnot.

Anyway, I know you're all itching to know what's going to happen. And so, I'll cut to the chase.

In the Student council office of evil ero yuri:

"How long until you'll have our EVIL ERO MASTER PLAN DEVICE THINGY conceived, Slave Reito?" barked the supreme dominatrix underlord Haruka.

"That's completed, Haruka-chan!" shouted a poor girl called Yukino as she jumped behind a table to avoid Haruka's whip.

"STAY STILL DAMN YOU!!" Haruka screeched, grabbing a pair of fluff pink handcuffs and jumping after her.

Now, if you were to look oh-so carefully, or maybe play I-spy, you would see the words 'ERO MASTER PLAN' Chalked up in swoodly woodly Kanji on the blackboard. you may also have spotted the 'out to tea' sign on the Kaichou's desk.

In the Kaichou of evil ero yuri's SECRET EVIL LAIR:

"Ara, it seems I have beaten you all at strip poker yeh again. Please kindly remove your undergarments so that I can-"

The melodic and slightly sadistically toned Kyoto-ben was cut off by a message through the evil intercom that the EVIL ERO MASTER PLAN DEVICE THINGY had been completed and was available for use. Shizuru jumped up, grabbed the lingerie she had won and bolted for the door.

"Kronk, pull the lever if you would please?"

a choir of anthro crickets suddenly entered the scene and began to sing to the tune of the funeral march,

"What?" se asked, perplexed

"a) She wasn't called Kronk, she was called Irina. B) After what you did to her down there yesterday, I don't think she's coming back. And c), there isn't a lever. It's a goddamn button," answered one of the strange emo anthro crickets.

"Oh my! Without Kronk, how am I to access my EVIL LAB??" Shizuru wailed, falling to her knees in anguish.

"You could… just push the button yourself" asked a bewildered cricket, who had stopped singing.

"It's NO USE!!! I'll have to call… Nagi…"

Everyone gasped in horror.

"NAGI!?!?! But, miss; I thought that he was only a legend…" the crickets were in a hustle.

"moshi moshi? Nagi-desu!"

"Hi, Nagi? I need you to take me down to the secret evil lab again. Another Kronk copped it,"

You see, Nagi (as made famous in TBD) was a legendary inverted flying platypus.

"Can it wait 'till later? I'm kind of busy with Mashiro-chan at the momen-

Who is that you're talking with!?!? It isn't another woman, is it!??!?! you said I was the only other platypus for you, Nagi-chi! And to think, we've been together for almost three hours!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Calm down, Mashi-chan! It's just Kaichou-ero. She needs me to take her down to her SECRET EVIL LAB again. She keeps fucking all her assistant so hard that they don't come back. It will only be for a while…

But you'll be in the presence of a human woman! That means you'll have to wear a ridiculous Sailor outfit! I'M the only one who gets to see your sexy platypussy butt in a miniskirt…."

The line cut off abruptly with the sound of a muffled moan.

"Sigh… it seems that I'll have to… (Gulp) push the button myself."

Her heart was pounding. Her fingers trembled as she reached out slowly for the button.

"Ero-kami-sama… save me," was her last prayer.

In the lovely castle of lovely sparkly crappy Platonic shoujo-ai:

Princess Natsuki was sitting on a rainbow, stroking her many my-little pony-esque horsies while smiling childishly and giggling terrifyingly un-natsuki-ish-ly. That so cannot be a word.

Anyway, as Princess Natsuki was sitting in her lovely flowery garden, she glances over at the evil looking student council room of evil ero yuri and sighed. Why did they need plot-less smut and flute-rape to keep them happy? She stood up and went over to her "500 plasma flowerTV and re-watched Maria-sama ga miteru or the god-knows how many-th time. As she was switching cannels from the flowery Platony Channel to FTV (fluffTV) she had to go through the Yuricom channel and was immediately entranced by the sight of Chikane and Himeko from KnM kissing passionately.

"I wish that Passion was allowed in this castle…" she sighed. Other that overly flowery and hopelessly platonic relationships, princess Natsuki had never known love. She cried her eyes out then trudged inside, for a pineapple shower was die soon. As she enteres the grand hall she saw Erstin and Nina looking at each other whilst people were throwing roses into their panel.

"Erstin…"

"Nina…"

"Erstin…"

"Nina…"

"Erstin…"

"Nina…"

"CONDOMS!"

Arika Yumemiya came skidding in with an armful of contraceptives and began throwing them everywhere.

The mood was ruined and the flowers withered in the presence of aforementioned thingys.

"Arika! We nearly had a Guinness world record! We were doing that for four and a half weeks until you ruined it!" Nina screamed, and ran towards Arika, bouquet of roses bared. But then, because of the violence-preventing shield thingy, Nina and Arika immediately stopped and began to stare into each other's eyes.

"Arika…"

"Nina…"

"Arika..."

"God damn it! Why does nothing interesting ever go on here!" shouted Natsuki as she stomped upstairs to her room, which was decorated with rainbows and flowers and ponies and other naff things. She jumped onto her four-poster bed with its tellytubbies duvet cover and began to cry.

In the Platony association meeting room:

Sachiko and Yumi, who are in here just because I couldn't think of a better platonic couple, rang the tinkly little bell to announce that that council was starting/.

"Okay, whoever Is holding the rubber chicken may talk," they announced. They of course, were already holding the said synthetic poultry, so they began talking first.

"We have gathered you here to start the 50th Platonic council. There are two main issues to talk about. The first, and by far the most important is that a threat to everything we hold dear has emerged." She stated solemnly.

"What is it??" everyone chorused.

"We've…." Yumi began to sniff… Sachiko gave her a hug and she stood up to face the rest of the council.

"We've… sniff… we've run out of pink toilet paper!" she cried, falling to her knees dramatically and wailing.

The rest of the room passed out simultaneously. The only one left conscious in the WHOLE castle was of course Natsuki, who was up in her room.

---DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!---

In Shizuru's secret lab

"Most impressive, Sailor Merc- I mean, slave Reito. It's far to easy to mistake your name in that lovely outfit," said Shizuru, looking up at the super evil machine that he had prepared. "Are you sure that it can get her?"

"Oh yes, Mistress Fujino. I even installed extra tentacles in case of and emergency. There's everything you'll need, and the piloting system is made specifically so that only you can command it. What name do you want to give it? The EVIL ERO MASTER PLAN DEVICE THINGY seems a bit long-winded to me," Reito explained.

Please god, I need her to like it. If she does, I get a pay raise, and will have enough money to get that sex change.

"I like it, sailor Reito. Tell Haruka I hold you that you could have a pay raise and a good whipping. I shall call this evil ero tentacled monster Kiyohime! Now, gather the troops! It's time to strike when they're weakest!"

Reito walked off to the intercom.

"Announcement, this is a staff announcement. Would all troops participating in the ravaging of the Castle of Platony please assemble in the war room. A reminder: forgetting your sex toys is a crime punishable by Haruka. Have a nice day."

----fiddlesticks----

After a while, the 8 troops had got to the war room. In their tight-fitting leather outfits were: Chie and Aoi, Shiho, Tomoe, Haruka and a scared-looking Yukino, Nao, and a rather nasty sigh, Miss Maria.

Now you try to picture miss Maria in a leather bodysuit. And have a bucket near you in case you need to throw up. (ewwwwww).

And so, the 9 of them (Shizuru is included) boarded their grope-o-matics and, at Shizuru's command, set out for those platonic suckers.

They, of course, had forgotten that the weather forecaster had said it would rain again today, but giant pineapples falling from the sky we hardly sufficient to stop Fujino-sama's libido grando.

In the castle of… oh w/e, you get the idea.

Natsuki was sitting in her room, reading TomoyoxSakura CCS doujins, and staring at the clock. She had made up her mind that she would only come down for dinner, which would be healthily balanced and lacking in any mayonnaise whatsoever. She had only tasted it once when Arika had bought some off the black market, but she loved the stuff and was constantly craving it. Oh well, you can't have everything.

She had just got to the page where Tomoyo was cupping Sakura's face surrounded by a panel of lilies when she heard a crashing noise from downstairs. Probably just Arika, she thought. Natsuki put the manga down and turned off the lights suddenly very sleepy. She figured that supper could go to hell, for all that cared, because all this platony was beginning to suck.

Back downstairs where the Ero-brigade had entered the castle:

"Right! Group A, you go get all the suckers in the council room! Group B, you go over the maid's quarters and grab them! I'll scour the rest of the house for any straggles." Shizuru commanded. With everyone in other places, it would be easier for her to get to the prize: Princess Natsuki.

Yes, much like Natsuki and the mayonnaise, Shizuru had only seen Natsuki once (in a flower garden where she was burying one of her previous… err… victims?) but she had instantly wanted her and craved her body for a whole 2 years. Now, mistress of the Evil Ero Yuri…. Etc Association, she had the power to make Natsuki hers.

"What a wonderful plan, Shizuru-onee-sama!" came the obviously love-struck voice of Tomoe, a sadistic bitch at best. She had been fuming because Shizuru had refused point-blank to fuck her.

As the teams split up, Shizuru headed straight (ha-ha! I managed to put that in a again! Lol, straight for Natsuki's room! I kill myself sometimes!) For Natsuki's room, which she had been spying on with her really big telescope for the last 2 years.

In Princess Natsuki's room…

…Princess Natsuki was snoring soundly, clinging to her favourite teddy bear, Duran the dog. She wore her big blue pyjamas, which were kind of like a bodysuit, with a hood with big floppy doggy ears. She was about 10 years for it, by, being the princess, she could have almost anything she wanted, and so this has been custom made for her.

"ara, how tasty Natsuki looks in those doggy pyjamas, I may just have to eat her…"

Natsuki stirred in her sleepy and gave a terrible cute whimpering noise. Shizuru, practically salivating, scooped her off and loaded her into Kiyohime.

The next few day were going to be very fun indeed…

-----dun dun duuuuun-----

there you go! A new fic by yours truly. It will be pretty short, probably only 3 chapters or so. It does have something of a plot, I promise! It will be rated M (my first M-fic… gulp) for language, sensual stuff and my sense of humour.

How, please review and enjoy!