Title: Atonement

Author: Digimon Empress Yaten (de yaten)

Notes: The 14th volume of the manga was released in English today. While I don't really like the English manga (the translation is terrible and full of bad American slang and cheesy dialogue) it is the first manga to feature Sensui and Kiyoshi! FYI, the manga goes VERY FAST. And poor Kiyoshi looks a lot girlier in the manga! He's also a bit less sympathetic, in my opinion, but that might just be the crappy translation. (They have him say: "You can take your so-called bravery and shove it up your ego!" ... yeah.) this was inspired by the manga translation of his outburst at Yusuke's house.

Warnings: Dark subject matter, almost-not-quite stream of concsciousness (3rd person but it's meant to be read fluidly) and… that's it.

Disclaimer: Don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or its characters.

--

It's happening again. Every night, the same sort of horrible dark gut wrenching dream. Or dreams. It depends on how many times he wakes up.

But it's happening again and he hates it.

A shot. A dead wife or mother or sister or brother has the privilege of their brains slapping the wall. A brand new coat of gory paint for their killer – is the killer the wife or mother or sister or brother? It's too hard for him to tell in the dark.

A child (or two or three or a hundred) screams. Again. One is tossed on the fire and it wails. The image of an infant being hurled into the flames reminds him tossing logs into a fireplace, although the logs have never screamed and screamed and screamed at him and in a second another child is trampled underneath a boot (or sandal or high heel or with a baseball bat).

He jolts awake, head pounding in time with boot stomps and he wishes he could get ready for school. But the clock mockingly reminds him that he has several hours to go and his eyelids are refusing to obey and soon he is back into the filmstrip dreams of Chapter Black.

And it's happening again.

It starts the same way as the one from last night (and last Thursday and Sunday and the week before that) and he can feel his tongue grow heavy and bitter in anticipation.

It's dark and a mass of squirming bodies reminds him of the worm sandwich Nobu made him eat last month, except the worms had been more kind to him. Each arm each leg each face is turning towards him, pointing an accusatory glare (or finger or toe) and a symphony of blame lays heavy in his ears.

It's dark and his hands are hidden and his legs won't move and there is no way to run away from their words.

Murderer! (no no no, he says, I haven't killed anyone)

You will! You will you will you will! (no no no, he mimics, and his head shakes from side to side)

You will and we know it and you know it and everyone knows it (why does his tongue feel so thick?)

You'll be the same as the rest in the end, the same as the killers and murderers and liars and genocidal wishmakers(and the unconscious image of his blonde hair and blue eyes and an Aryan master race pushes through his ear and wiggles around in his brain until he can't think)

And then his body returns and he falls to the ground in front of a writhing pile of corpses, and shrieked words of remorse for something he had never done roll off his tongue like sweat.

He shudders and trembles and watches a maggot wave from the eye socket of a little girl, and all he knows is that he must (somehow someway even if it kills him) get atonement for his never-sins.

The question looms over him the next day and week and until he is watching Kuwabara's friends kicking their legs in almost-death: how do you atone for something you've never done?