"So, Abarai-fukutaichou, you insist?"

"Yes, I do."

"I see." General Yamamoto paused. "Dismissed. Both of you."

"But..."

"Dismissed."

Obviously, General Yamamoto was not impressed by his statement.

Renji had no choice but to follow his captain to the exit and then all the way to the Sixth division. Anyone they met on that day walking through Seireitei never suspected a thing. Everywhere Renji looked he saw signs of approval, smiles, and admiration, and maybe some other time he would have enjoyed being praised as a war hero. Not now. Now he watched Kuchiki's stiff back two steps before him, and by the reiatsu level, which was way too normal considering the occasion, Renji could sense a major shit storm coming. "Only control separates higher beings from all the others, Abarai-fukutaichou. Only control." That's what Kuchiki had told him earlier. The higher being.

Back in the office the silence was finally broken. "I'm very disappointed," Captain Kuchiki said and then repeated once again as if for the stupid, "I'm very disappointed."

Tell me something new.

"The Fifth division cannot stay forever without proper command and Yamamoto-soutaichou was willing to overlook your voyage to Hueco Mundo, granted that you had been acting on my orders. However, the latest démarche of yours..."

Renji stopped listening. Yeah, sure, they were willing to overlook Renji's trip, but not Kuchiki's authorization of the very same trip. One of them had to pay. And he had chosen to pay, and perhaps had chosen wrong, for it didn't look as it was worth it. "Good job, Renji," he heard in his dreams going through the hell of Hueco Mundo. He was not ever to hear it for real. Not in this life anyway.

"...but above all, you lied. You looked me in the eyes and you lied. That was a disgrace to you, disgrace to me, and disgrace to our division. Did you actually think anyone would believe you?"

Say once again how fucking disappointed you are and I'm gonna kill you...

Zabimaru was quick to respond to this angry silent declaration, "I don't wanna get into any kind of arguments with Senbonzakura-sama anymore..." "Shut up!" Renji was not in the mood for engaging into pointless quarrels with his own zanpakutou, but these days the darn monkey was more vocal than ever.

"I'm very disappointed, Renji..."

"So what if I lied?" he yelled from the top of his lungs. "So fucking what? I was only covering your fucking reputation! And if I never become a captain, I don't give a flying fuck!"

Kuchiki didn't move, and Renji was mostly addressing the blue artery pulsating on his captain's neck. It was just like in that vampire movie that he had watched with Yumichika in the living world. Yumichika approved of the movie, "That was done very nicely, Renji. Have you noticed how the blond vampire flashstepped to his prey and went straight for the artery? You may want to use it someday." "And then what? Bite?" "Stupid. We are not vampires. Lick. Just lick."

Renji flashstepped forward.

Kuchiki's eyes wide open were the only indication that he finally managed to make an impression. If not for that he might think he had been licking Kuchiki's gigai. And still not a single change in reiatsu level.

He pushed his shocked captain away upon realizing he was still gripping the man's white haori.

"And don't fucking call me Renji! It's Abarai-fukutaichou to you!"

Kuchiki blinked.

Fuck.

That was it, right? The end as they call it. Transfer out. Freedom. And having nothing more to say, Renji nearly run without turning back. He paused at the division entrance trying to decide which way to go, all his usual destinations - the Eleventh and the Ninth divisions were to his right. His choice was obvious, all these happy people now would only make him throw up. Including Yumichika. Especially Yumichika. Damn the little shit for planting all these insane ideas in his stupid head. Yeah, just lick and ruin your life forever. He swore he'd never listen to another brilliant word of wisdom that comes from Yumichika. Not again. And no bets. He swore one more time and turned left.

Renji lost momentum in front of the Forth division. Maybe they could give him something to ease his pounding headache. Anything. Anything?

"May I help you, Abarai-fukutaichou?" Kotetsu Isane's voice asked him, and Renji turned around.

"Maybe..."

2.

"Renji, sex is not good enough reason to get acquainted." Yumichika held two cups with sake and drank a little from each. As far as he was concerned, Shuuhei had had enough, and it was only fair he kept drinking for both of them. "Shuu-chan, I haven't said anything remotely funny."

"I'm still waiting for you to come up with the rest of the reasons." Shuuhei smirked to him from his comfortable position on the floor and Yumichika knew what it meant – they should stop drinking at home. Had they gone to the Eleventh following Ikkaku's suggestion, they would've been able to sneak out earlier and drinking was not what they would've been doing right now. But! Renji needed all the comfort they could come up with, and they really had no choice, but to host this little party.

Yumichika balanced over. "I told you, it wasn't sex," he said just to check his suspicions. The topic was old and their little intimate encounter on the roof harbored no more mysteries.

"I know sex when I get it, Yumi." And Shuuhei giggled. Sure he did. The poor guy was agonizing for weeks in confusion, just as adorable, as his first blowjob, whether it was sex or not. All while Yumichika was watching. There couldn't be anything wrong with some visual stimulation, right?

Ikkaku threw them a highly disapproving glare, then turned to Renji who was slowly crawling towards the door. "You dare to leave me with these lunatics alone, and I'll never forgive you. Never! We're not done yet."

Renji froze on his track. "I was just gonna get more booze."

"Wrong direction, Renji."

Meanwhile Yumichika dropped to his knees, leaned over Shuuhei's head and held the cups to his temples. "You're delusional!" he murmured.

"You're in denial, Yumi," Shuuhei murmured back to him.

"Who taught you to use the words you don't understand?"

"Over the last week you explained denial to me at least four times."

It was a completely false statement and Yumichika countered it with another lie. "I explained blowjob four times. In detail." His hair was lightly touching Shuuhei's nose and Yumichika wished he could lean lower for a kiss or two. That was impossible, not with Ikkaku and Renji staring, and he was not drunk enough to dismiss their feelings entirely.

The mention of the blowjobs, however, was more than Ikkaku was willing to endure. He normally didn't mind engaging in conversations about some abstract head giving, but this was intentionally personal. "Shit! I've had enough of this mind fucking. And it's my mind! Toss a coin, Yumichika. Tails – it was sex, heads – wasn't."

"You toss it, Ikkaku."

"And why me?"

"Then I'd trust it."

"Nuts!" It was useless to argue and they both knew it, so Ikkaku took a coin out and threw it towards Yumichika. It bounced off and landed on Shuuhei's hand.

Yumichika stared at the coin for a few seconds and then announced his conclusion. "Renji, sex is a legitimate and valid reason to get acquainted. I fully recommend it. Shuu-chan, what was so funny now?"

Renji, however, was not too happy. He looked as if he regretted telling everybody about his one night stand that left him feeling so rotten and disappointed. "To be honest, Yumichika, I don't think I wanna get acquainted any closer..."

"What? Really?" Yumichika asked mockingly, cursing Kuchiki Byakuya in his mind for driving Renji to despair, and then cursing Renji as well for being such an idiot. Well, it seemed that suffering idiots was Yumichika's lot in this afterlife.

"It wasn't really all that good," Renji said, looking away. By his tone anyone, even Shuuhei, could guess that it mattered nothing whether the sex was good. But since Yumichika was messing up his hair, that possibility remained highly theoretical.

"That's right, who'd want to get acquainted after bad sex anyway," said Ikkaku, and Yumichika enthusiastically nodded. Ikkaku never believed in the existence of bad sex, but was willing to compromise for Renji's sake.

"It wasn't bad, it just wasn't good enough."

Sure, it would never be good enough, unless it was with Kuchiki, and not just with any Kuchiki. Renji let out a huge sigh.

"I wonder," Shuuhei continued his interrupted thought, ignoring Renji's problems completely, "Whether it was group sex..."

"That's just silly! Of course, it wasn't!" Yumichika could hear Fujikujaku's laughter at the back of his head. And here he was thinking that his zanpakutou had something better to do than to listen to their drunken nonsense. Yumichika held the sake cups to his own temples, then finished them in two large gulps. Perhaps he was not drunk enough.

"Your zanpakutou has its own mind, just like everyone else's."

The laughter became louder, and the statement caught Ikkaku's attention. "I knew that. You use your zanpakutou as a sex toy. Man, that's kinky."

"I don't use it as a sex toy!"

"Wait a second!" Renji turned to Yumichika. "Wait a second! You can have sex using your zanpakutou?"

Ikkaku answered instead, "Have you fallen asleep or something? These dickheads cannot tell fucking from fighting! And when they make out, it's called a kidou practice!"

"Because it was a kidou practice," Yumichika raised his voice, trying to ignore Fujikujaku's tap dance in his head.

"If you complain it makes you horny, it's making out!"

Shuuhei raised a brow, "I can't believe you complained!"

"I was bragging, not complaining!"

Shuuhei found the answer satisfying. "Oh..."

Ikkaku didn't. "Oh, I was really impressed!"

Renji, however, was doing simple math. "But if your zanpakutou is involved, then it's group sex!"

"If you remember, Renji, that was my point exactly," said Shuuhei innocently without taking his eyes off Yumichika who was now pacing around the table.

"I still think it's a sex toy," said Ikkaku, exploring the depth of his nose. "Otherwise, it's just..."

"That's it!" Yumichika said, dropping the sake cups that he was still holding in his hands and slowly reaching for his zanpakutou. "I've had enough! Feel free to compare notes afterwards and judge for yourselves, whether it was a sex toy or group sex! And I won't even bother to ask you to make a secret out of your unforgettable experience. You will. Fujikuja..."

"FLASH OUT!"

Yumichika's calculations were right. One second he stood ready to release his zanpakutou and the other Shuuhei was pressing him to the floor with all his weight. Ikkaku and Renji fled from his risky proposal, passing on the opportunity to exchange greetings with Fujikujaku.

Just as expected.

"They are gone, I think you can release me," Yumichika teased, wrapping his hands around the relaxed body of his stoned boyfriend. It was not like Yumichika was complaining, with that enormous amount of alcohol in his blood, his abilities to perform anything more meaningful were close to zero.

"Yeah, I can," murmured Shuuhei, searching for a place in Yumichika's hair to park his nose. "You smell nice."

"Now, what was this all about? You aren't sick, are you?"

"Um... I just wanted a hug."

A hug? He'd gone through this idiotic performance just for a hug?

Shuuhei paused for a few seconds, then added quietly, "Is that good enough reason for you?"

A hug. Well, so be it, a hug. For now.

3.

"All right, I talked to Ukitake-taichou. If things get real sour, he'll take you in."

Renji looked away, "You didn't really have to bother..."

Shuuhei raised a brow. What happened to yesterday's 'Senpai, would you talk to him for me' ? Forgotten? He may not recall the exact words, since alcoholic intoxication does strange things to one's memory, but he firmly believed that 'please' had been said repeatedly.

"I'm not gonna make his job easy. I'm not transferring until he kicks me out."

As far as Shuuhei could tell, Renji had already done exactly that, Kuchiki-taichou at this point was absolutely within his rights to throw Renji out of the Sixth without even bothering to check where his ex-lieutenant would park afterwards. One wasn't supposed to yell at his own captain, and then lick his neck... Well, maybe he could think of someone who under certain conditions might bend the subordination in that particular way, but that was different. Besides, Yumi would never ask not to call him Yumi. The hell would freeze first.

Yumichika. Shuuhei looked at the wall clock. Yumi was supposed to be back fifteen minutes ago. And Yumi was never late without a damn good reason. Shuuhei poured more tea into Renji's cup. Well, among other things, Renji's fall would mean no more Kuchiki's best tea for them.

No Good.

Being able to be upset about tea, while Renji was so obviously suffering right in front of him, felt rather unpleasant, "Okay, you've done something stupid. That happens..."

"Actually, Yumichika said it was the most brilliant thing I'd ever done. Of course, I didn't believe him for a second. Who'd ever believe this bullshit? I mean that's common sense, right?"

"Yeah, that's common sense..."

Yumichika's sense was as far from common as it could go to begin with, but this was setting a new record. They sat in silence for a while, thinking, then Renji continued, "I think Yumichika just wanted to make me feel better."

Right, Shuuhei was very familiar with quite a few methods used by Yumichika to make people feel better, and pulling groundless compliments out of thin air was not one of them. Shuuhei looked at the clock again. Twenty minutes. Late.

"That was all he said?"

Renji must have been searching for something to say at the bottom of his teacup, for it took him some time to find an answer, "No. He also said I'd graduated to the next stage, so it was time to take action."

"What action?"

"Visual stimulation. That is if I cannot tickle him yet, I had to show him something nice to think about."

"What?" Shuuhei rubbed his temples. Yumichika's nice meant red alert for everyone else. "Tickle?"

"According to his informant, the dea... taichou has weird reactions to tickling. Whatever that means. Anyway, taichou's supposed to walk on me when I'm... I'm... you know," Renji said, blushing slightly.

"I know."

"And I'm not allowed to put up a barrier for privacy. That's ridiculous."

No barrier? That's what barriers are for!

"I cannot do it," Renji concluded with a heavy sigh, "I cannot do it."

"I see. So that's why you're not transferring, right?"

This time Renji blushed not so slightly, "You don't have to put it this way!"

The door slid open silently and Yumichika strolled in, "Actually, that was a perfect summary of your predicament, Renji."

Renji jumped to his feet at the first sounds of Yumichika's voice. "I told you! I 'm not doing it!"

"That's right." Yumichika walked around Renji and sat in his freshly vacated chair. He picked up Renji's teacup and sighed. "You don't have to do it, Renji. If that's your last word, I declare our deal void. Like I said, I have much more exciting things to do, than scanning your dead fish in search for the right buttons to push. Because guess what? He doesn't have many. So if you don't appreciate my time and efforts, you're always free to go."

"Damn you, Yumichika!" Renji stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

"You were not late, right?" Shuuhei asked at last. He figured that Yumichika was eavesdropping, but had no idea for how long.

"No, I was not. And to answer you next question, I wanted to give you some time to consider the idea."

What idea?

"Is this what you call a special request? Are you seriously saying that you want to walk on me? With our current schedule?"

"Maybe. I like to watch... and maybe I'm a little bit tired of automatic refusals."

Shuuhei stopped his 'I'm not gonna do it' at the very last moment and looked up to meet Yumichika's eyes. A little bit? That was a huge understatement. What was the point in saying no, if he was about to find himself right in the middle of the activity in question, and not to forget, like it.

"But Yumi, that won't be an accident! I mean I'd know, and you'd know, and you'd have to make sure no one else walks in. Right?"

Yumichika beamed back. "Well, Shuu-chan, let me explain the concept of role playing to you..."

4.

Assholes. Horny assholes. Both of them. All the time, day or night, home or office... and even during kidou practice. Renji couldn't think of less arousing activity than kidou practice. Real assholes. What possessed him when he decided to visit the Ninth? Did he really expect senpai to admit that Yumichika was insane? It was bloody obvious that Hisagi failed to find anything wrong with the idea of letting someone watch him wanking. Well, maybe not someone, but that was beyond the point.

Renji couldn't do it. But if he couldn't do it, taichou would be out of his reach forever. Damn, if he only hadn't licked Kuchiki's neck, he might still have a way out. Too late now, he wanted to lick it again.

What was that word Yumichika used? Predicament? No, the other one...

Feasible. Feasible?

Renji sat in his office watching the clock. He knew exactly what time Captain Kuchiki was about to pay him a usual visit at the end of the day. Kuchiki's punctuality might compete with Yumichika's.

Stop it. Stop thinking about Yumichika.

He could do it. He had gone through Hueco Munco and survived. Obviously, in comparison to taking his hakama off in front of Kuchiki Byakuya, a trip to Hueco Mundo... was sort of like a kid's play. Shit!

Renji's hand found its way through the hakama slits to the balls and they pulled up a bit as he stroked them gently.

"Chicken," said a voice in his head. "Chicken? Chicken!"

"Nobody calls me chicken!" he answered loudly. "Nobody calls me fucking chicken," he repeated with emphasis, and went on to untying his obi.

Nobody...

Somewhere between the moment when the fantasy instance of his captain stepped forward from nowhere and murmured in a mellow voice, "Let me take care of it, Renji..." and the time when his imaginary partner would normally beg for more, Renji had to sneeze. Whoever was talking about him now couldn't find the worst time for interruption. Or, perhaps the best time, because Captain Kuchiki stood leaning at the door post, watching, expressionless as always. And even if Renji's performance did cause Kuchiki to make a face, he had plenty of time to curb his emotions.

Perhaps, Renji's assumption that he would be able to detect his captain by the angry reiatsu outburst, was a little bit off track, but he would have never expected Kuchiki to conceal his presence and wait patiently for Renji to finish the task in hand.

It finally occurred to Renji that he had failed to think up something to say in advance, so he just stared at Kuchiki unable to produce a word. At the back of his head Zabimaru let out a short, but very distinct cackle. "What are you laughing at? Think of something!" The monkey had a comeback ready, "Since when my name is Fujikujaku?" he asked mockingly.

By this time Kuchiki perhaps had extracted all the pleasure out of his misery.

"I've come to believe that while reprimanding you earlier, I hadn't taken into account the fact that you were not lying on behalf of yourself. And while I still cannot approve of your actions, I have to state that the ability to sacrifice your own ambition for the sake of the others is an admirable human trait."

Was it... an apology? Sort of?

Kuchiki's eyes focused in the general vicinity of Renji's crotch. "And your control of the stress response might deserve a commendation, Abarai-fukutaichou."

That was easier to decipher, despite of all the humiliation Renji was going through, he was not even close to losing the erection. But on a good side, he finally figured out what he wanted to say.

"Taichou?" he said, causing Kuchiki, who was already half way out of the door, to stop and look over his shoulder.

"The other day... um... I was out of line."

Kuchiki waited.

"I should not have asked you not to call me Renji. I take that back."

"That's all?" Kuchiki said after digesting Renji's statement for a few moments.

"Yeah, that's all."

"I see."

Not another word was said, but Renji could swear by his life that for a brief second his captain was smiling.

"Didn't go too bad, huh?" he said addressing his penis, which by now was lying placidly on the side of his stomach, unattended. "Maybe we'll do it again in a few days, what do you think?"

Zabimaru answered instead, "You know, I just lost a bet because of you, but I guess the view was worth it."

"The view? As in the nice view?" Renji always suspected his zanpakutou was hanging out with the wrong crowd. Now he had a proof, and it was possible to use it to his advantage. "So, what taichou looked like when he walked in?

"Why would I know?"

"You just said you were watching!" Was his zanpakutou that useless when he really needed it?

"Sorry, I didn't notice. I was looking at Senbonzakura-sama... and when you see Senbonzakura-sama so flustered, you don't really see anything else..."

Yeah, it was that useless... Why couldn't he have a nice, helpful, and above all, cooperative zanpakutou? Why couldn't he have someone smart for a companion? Someone like Fujikujaku, huh?

Why?