Redefining Nothing

Ch 8: A Shadow and A Threat

A/N: So sorry once again about the delay in updating...I seem to be getting worse. I've had this chapter written forever I just haven't gotten around to typing it up. Thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter and to Jordyn C. and Zara J. for your continuing beta work and support. You two are the best and I wouldn't be on Ch. 8 without you.

Several evenings before Christmas found Severus and Hermione laying together on one of the sofas in his library. Severus was deeply absorbed in a theory of advanced potion making. Hermione, leaning against his chest, was half-way reading a book of defensive charms. Mostly she was thinking about her relationship with Severus. As she looked back at their time together something missing from the memories stuck out at her. "Sev? Can I ask you something?"

"Mhmm.." He said looking up from his book.

"Do you have feelings for me?"

"What are you talking about? You know I do. Why else would we be here?" Severus was astounded. "Where is this coming from?" He set his book aside and looked sternly down at her.

"I don't know. I was just thinking about our time together." Hermione took a deep breath. "I couldn't think of a single time you've said 'I love you'."

Severus sighed. You have to tell her sometime! His conscience screamed at him. He sighed again. "I can't." He said.

"Severus, it's simple. If you mean it you say the three little words."

"I can't." Severus protested. "I stop believing in those words a long time ago."

"Why?" Hermione persisted.

"It's difficult to explain. I don't know how to. It's complicated." Severus stammered, uncomfortable.

"Try." Hermione implored him. Sick fear was rising rapidly in her chest. Maybe there was another woman he was pining for and she was a vain attempt to make the other jealous or to forget her. "Please." She tried to keep the begging out of her voice.

"'Mione, you don't understand. You wouldn't understand." Severus swallowed hard. "I just don't believe that those words mean anything anymore."

Hermione cuddled to him, pressing herself as close as possible. There was a sort of angry urgency that permeated her embrace. She took his hand and placed it over her heart. "I love you Severus." She kissed him lightly. "I hope that you can feel that." She kissed him a little deeper to prove her point. "But I have to know that you feel the same."

"I need you, Hermione." Severus said, desperately. God, he loved the feel of her heart beat under his fingers. He just couldn't make himself tell her what she needed to hear.

She pulled away from him. She crouched at the end of the sofa and looked at him with watery eyes. "Need is a basic emotion, Severus. The most primitive animals feel 'need'. The need to eat, the need for water, the need to procreate… Needing something implies reason, having to have something whether you like it or not. Diabetics don't like insulin but they need it. Remus doesn't like Wolfsbane, but he needs it." Tears ran down her cheeks freely now. "Love is senseless, but it is much, much deeper. Look at me!! I'm in love with a man that says he can't love me! Why ever would I put myself in that position voluntarily?!"

Her tears were too much for Severus. He got angry as a defense for his tumultuous emotions. "Well, maybe you never should have let it go this far!" He snarled.

"Me!" Hermione exclaimed through her tears. "You started this. Maybe if you hadn't tricked me, I wouldn't have fallen for you. But however it happened, I'm here now. I've taken the risk of telling you how I feel and all you can give me is 'need'." A fresh wave of tears momentarily choked her. "Just like an animal!" She cried, when she could speak again.

"An animal?!" He yelled.

Hermione got to her feet. "Yes, Severus. An animal." She turned on her heel and left, before he could see that her heart was broken.

After the library doors banged shut, Severus collapsed with his head in his hands. He'd never meant to fall in love again. He'd thought that maybe if he didn't say the words it would mean he wouldn't feel it. Only now, after she'd stormed out, did he realize how wrong he'd been. Only now, after he'd yelled at her, did he feel his fragile heart break again. She would probably loathe him as thoroughly as Potter did now. And he would go back to having nothing.

Hermione threw herself on her bed and sobbed. She felt hollow and empty. Everything that had sustained her of late had been torn from her. In her minds eyes she saw the anger ripple across his face again. It had scared her to see him so upset with her. Behind his eyes she thought that she'd seen a kind of desperate anguish. But when she'd looked back it had gone. She had reveled in the feel of his hand over her heart. Feeling miserable, she got up and decided to go take a hot bath to calm herself.

It took Severus about ten minutes to come back to himself and all of thirty seconds after that to decide to tell the truth. "Licha!" He called.

With a pop the elf appeared. "Yes, master?"

"Where's Hermione?"
"I just ran her a bath in the main guest bathroom, sir."

"Thank you." Severus said as he bolted from the library.

Hermione slipped into the deep silver bathtub and sighed. The hot water relaxed her tense muscles. She closed her stinging eyes. As she was relaxing her mind wandered and she allowed pointless musings to fill her thoughts.

A few seconds after she relaxed, a colossal bang reverberated through the room. Her eyes shot open and her head whipped towards the door. To her surprise she found 

it open and Severus standing in the doorway. "What the bloody hell are you doing?!" she exclaimed, sinking lower blew the side of the tub.

He just strode towards her with a smoldering look in his dark eyes. The closer he came the farther into the tub she sank. Eventually she reached out of the tub and grabbed her wand. She gave it a swish and the water turned opaque silver, like mercury. Satisfied that he couldn't see anything she didn't want him to, she turned back to him. "What are you doing?" She demanded again. He was still looking at her with that burning fire, though he was much closer now. He opened his mouth as though about to say something, when suddenly he crumpled off to the right, as though an invisible fist had punched him in the side. He grabbed at his right forearm. "Severus!" She called out, feeling helpless, but unwilling to raise more than another inch from the water.

Severus' left hand quivered as he reached for his right sleeve. He shakily pulled it back to the elbow. On the underside of his bare forearm the Dark Mark twisted and writhed in charcoal black. Through the haze of pain brought on by the Dark Lord's call, he vaguely heard Hermione gasp in shock. "I need to talk to you, 'Mione." He panted. " I need you to know that I was wrong." His muscles clenched again as the Mark burned.

"Wrong about what?!" Hermione asked, but it was lost in his groaning as the Mark burned a third time. He was late now and she knew what Voldemort did to those who were tardy. Whether or not she was angry with him she didn't want that. She couldn't. "Severus go!" She yelled at him.

"I can't! I have to talk to you!" He cried out.

"Go, goddamn it! He'll kill you!"

"I don't care!" Severus countered.

"Well, I do!" Hermione said, practically begging. " Please! For me. Because you lo—need me."

Severus looked up at her with a new fervor in his eyes. "Alright. I'll do it for you, but not because I need you. I'll go because…" He swallowed. "Because I love you, Hermione." He reached down and touched the Mark. He shuddered and then disappeared.

Hermione sank back up to her neck in the mercury colored water. She felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Late that night, Hermione was stretched out on one of the library couches. She was just beginning to doze off when she heard the massive front door bang open and then closed. She bolted upright out of her drowsy state. She stood up and ran out into the hallway. There on the far end of the hall stood Severus. He was stooped over and was leaning against the wall with one hand.

"Severus!" She cried out, running to him. Just as she reached him, he collapsed. She supported him against her. With the help of a simple levitating spell she managed to carry him to her room. She laid him out on her bed and called Licha. She instructed the house elf to get her a bowl of cold water and a cloth. When she had it she began to mop his forehead with a cool damp cloth. He was panting and feverish, but at the same time shivers wracked his tall thing frame. She knew that he needed to be kept warm, but she didn't want to leave him. At last she set aside the cool cloth and went to the closet for extra blankets. When she'd laid them over him she picked up her wand and attempted a couple of healing spells. Her arm shuddered as the spells ricocheted back up her arm.

"Fine," she muttered to herself. "Good, old Muggle healing it is."

She folded the cool rag on his brow to keep the fever down and then she slipped under the blankets with him. She tucked the edges in around them and laid her head on his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed close. She lay there with him and allowed her eyes to close. With her eyes closed she could feel when his breathing slowed and steadied around two a.m.

Not long afterwards, he turned on his side to face her. "Are you awake?" he whispered.

"I'm glad you're awake." Hermione responded. "What happened?"

"I was late, remember?" Severus said wryly. "I'm not sure exactly, but I'd imagine it was some sort of toxin. That's his style."

"I'm so sorry, Severus." Hermione whispered. "If I hadn't been so awful this wouldn't have happened. I never should have been so horrible and insistent."

Severus placed his finger on her lips. "You had every right to insist my love. I should never have denied you the knowledge of my feelings. In truth, I was trying to deny myself to protect my heart from pain. If I thought it would end up hurting you I never would have done it. I just didn't want to lose you. I was afraid of getting hurt again. I was so, so wrong. And I'm sorry." He pulled her closer and took in a deep breath of her scent. "God, I'm so, so sorry. I love you, Hermione."

Hermione hadn't really let herself believe that he'd actually said it before. But now with his arms around her and his voice right in her ear, she couldn't deny the reality of it. Tears of pure, blissful joy poured down her cheeks as she pressed her face into the dark cloth covering his shoulder. "I hoped you did…I didn't want to believe it wasn't true. Before you left I thought you'd said it, but I couldn't make myself put any faith in it. I fell in love with you … well I guess it was that Saturday when I assisted you in your lab. You were so kind and normal. Then you held me and kissed me for the first time…" She involuntarily shivered with pleasure at the thought. She turned her head and kissed him right at the collar of his shirt.

In the tense, charged moment that followed, it was Severus' turn to shudder. He leaned his head back and exposed his neck to her. To his intense satisfaction she continued to press light kisses on the exposed skin of his neck. Then she moved over his jaw line and captured his mouth. Playfully she bit his lower lip. Growling, he flipped her onto her back and pinned her there. She giggled. He cut off her laughter by reclaiming her mouth. His kiss was harsh and punishing at first, and she struggled under him. But slowly it morphed into something entirely new. He poured all of his deep-seated love for her into his kiss. His heart swelled painfully as he felt her return the kiss with equal feeling.

At last they parted, panting heavily. Severus rolled onto his back pulling Hermione with him, so that she was sprawled half on his chest. Their heaving chests pressed together as they fought to bring their pulses back to normal.

Cradled in his arms, Hermione drifted off to sleep. Severus lay awake, relishing the feel of her chest rising and falling against his. How did I get this lucky twice? He asked himself. But he had to admit that Hermione felt better than Lily ever had. They felt better together, more right. As he breathed in her scent he promised himself that Potter wouldn't come between them the way his father had come between him and Lily. Still holding her, he drifted off to sleep.

When the sunlight first broke through the cracks around the window shutters, Hermione awoke disoriented. At first her still foggy mind couldn't place the solid something next to her back and the heavy weight across her waist. As she lay there trying to gain her bearings, the weight across her waist tightened, drawing her back against the solid object. Reality came crashing back in of her as her hair was brushed aside and the back of her neck was peppered with kisses. "Severus…" she moaned as Goosebumps ran down her skin.

"Good morning, my love." He whispered in her ear. "How did you sleep?"

"Like I was in heaven." She murmured, twisting in his arms to face him. She kissed his nose, and reached up to stroke his hair. Then she buried her head in his strong shoulder. His clean, manly scent made her heart trill and her head spin. She pressed herself closer to him and ran her hands down his muscled back. "I love you. I love this feeling…" she whispered.

"Mmhm…" Severus rumbled. "You're a drug, Hermione. And I'm addicted. I couldn't refuse you even if I wanted to and heaven knows I don't." He dipped his head to kiss her neck and face. When he'd finished his lavish attentions, a small patch of skin at the back of her neck remained red and tender. He delicately kissed the small bruise.

Hermione's skin was singing from his kisses. She dug her fingers into his back as he pulled away from her. "No…" She begged breathily. "Don't stop, Sev. Finish this."

Severus looked into her over bright, wildly passionate eyes and very nearly gave in. Instead he shook his head. "No, sweetheart," he said kindly, but firmly. "We both know where that would lad and neither of us are ready for it."

"I'm ready, Sev. I promise you. Please!"

"No, 'Mione. I'm not. This is too new. What if it doesn't work out? I couldn't take it." She opened her mouth but he laid his finger across it. "And maybe in this moment you think you could, but later you'll realize that it did matter."

Hermione growled and rolled away from him, but she stopped begging. Severus sighed and, propped up on one elbow, began to stroke her hair.

"I'm sorry love." He whispered.

Hermione rolled to face him. Frustrated tears streamed down her face. "Why does this have to be so hard?" she asked. "You're right. I know you are, but I'm so in love with you that it hurts. It's a physical burning in me. Part of me treasures it, but part knows that you're my professor and this is wrong."

"I know sweetheart. I know. It's hard, so hard. But we'll manage. We have each other's love."

Hermione groaned again in unhappiness.