Snape: The Conversation
October 1976
The Gryffindor and Slytherin students shared their Defence Against the Dark Arts NEWT classes, much to everyone's distaste. Every morning before the Tuesday lesson, Severus Snape would be even more sullen and bad-tempered than usual. He couldn't help but let his entire body become infuriated at the thought of sharing the same oxygen as James Potter in that class – there was no point trying to fight it anymore. Potter could annoy him by just simply being. He was an idiot.
Severus normally arrived early to that particular class in order to get a desk right at the back so he could keep Potter in his sights. This morning, however, the door to the classroom was still locked. After five minutes of waiting, Severus heard some of the Gryffindor students in the class coming up the corridor behind him, including Sirius Black and James Potter. His heart sank and his irritation swelled immediately.
"How are things going with you and Lily, James?" Black asked his friend. Severus kept his back to them, but he could feel the smirk on Black's face aimed at him.
"I think I'm getting somewhere this time," Potter replied, half in hope, half in jest.
Severus clenched his Defence books tightly to his chest in an attempt to vent even the tiniest bit of the rage building up by squeezing them as hard as he could. They were moving closer to the classroom door, and to Severus. Nobody had noticed the two shadows that were about to turn the corner down into their corridor.
"Well," Black continued, "she's a good looking girl. I tell you if you didn't fancy her then I would've gone right up to her and- WHOA!"
Before Severus had even realised what he had done, Black's books flew across the corridor as he was hauled upside-down by his ankle. Severus didn't even remember the moment he decided to turn and face the two Gryffindors, and only heard an echo of himself whispering 'levicorpus' several seconds later.
"What the hell are you doing, Snape?" Potter yelled at him, pushing him hard. Severus stumbled and his back hit the stone wall behind him. Potter wrenched his wand from his robes and pointed it straight between Severus' eyes.
"SNAPE! POTTER!" The sharp shout whipped down the corridor, cracking right through the air that was dense with friction and loathing. In Severus's eyes, the worst people possible had caught him. Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore stood stunned in the corridor, one with the incredulous fury that made her nostrils go white and her lips as thin as a sheet of parchment, the other with the expression of the angry disappointment that could so often cut to the bone.
x
Severus and Potter were standing at the back of the Transfiguration classroom. On their way there McGonagall had lectured them about their 'shameful and immature behaviour' and that 'if she was a lesser person she would grab them both by the scruff of their necks and bash their heads together to knock some sense into them'. If this sort of outbreak hadn't occurred so many times before, perhaps McGonagall would not have been quite so exasperated.
Dumbledore had disappeared soon after they were caught in the corridor, but had returned to the Transfiguration classroom shortly after Severus, Potter and McGonagall got there. He spoke a few quiet words to McGonagall behind her desk and then left the room, without a word to or a glance at either student.
"Sit down, Mr. Snape," Professor McGonagall said sharply. "Just here please." She indicated to a chair at the front of the room and flicked its desk out of the way to lean against the wall. "Mr Potter, you sit here". She pointed to the chair next to the one Severus was making for, and made the same action to that desk so the two boys would have to sit desk-less, side by side. But before they could even do that, however, she turned the chairs to face each other.
Both boys stopped in their tracks. There was silence.
"I will not ask you again," McGonagall warned impatiently.
Severus and Potter sat in the chairs, their bodies facing each other, but neither would look the other in the face. The hatred seeped out of them both and Severus felt the hostility increase by the second.
"We have tried everything to get you boys to be civil to each other," McGonagall began with annoyance. "We do not ask you to like each other," she continued, "Merlin knows what sort of chaos that would cause. We simply want you to behave like decent human beings. You are in your sixth year here and you are still behaving like children. This ends now.
"Professor Dumbledore and I are going to share this morning with you both and teach you a lesson in civility." She paused for effect. "You will talk to each other."
Severus and Potter looked at McGonagall, horrified.
"I've got nothing to say to that-", "There's no way I'm-"
"Stop! Both of you." They stopped immediately. When McGonagall was this angry it was all you could do to not quiver in fear, even if you were sixteen and taller than she was. After a stern look in a short silence, she continued. "Professor Dumbledore and I have compiled a list of topics for discussion. I will be here with you for half an hour and Professor Dumbledore will follow for the next half hour. If you comply," she said loudly before either could interrupt, "and if you behave satisfactorily, we will leave it at that. If you behave like sulking five year olds, we will do this once a week, every week until you act your age."
Severus shot daggers at Potter. How was he supposed to hold a civilised conversation with this arrogant, conceited, selfish-
"First topic," he heard McGonagall announce, "music. You start, Potter".
"Really Professor, this isn't necessary," Potter began. Severus thought he could almost see a hint of desperation under his laid-back masquerade. He was marginally cheered at the thought. "Can't we just-"
"Mr. Potter," McGonagall began dangerously. "Do you want to come back here next week?"
Potter sighed.
"Fine," he grumbled at her. "Uuuuuhhhhh, The Hobgoblins," he said with an indifferent shrug.
Severus sneered at Potter. Thank the stars that band was the complete opposite to Severus' taste.
"But also," Potter continued, rocking back on his chair with his hands behind his head looking up at the ceiling, "Super Lizard, Herb, James Clearwater (my namesake)," he flashed a smile at McGonagall, "Twelve Tongued Tirade, Death Pumpkin…"
Severus' sneer was suddenly wiped away. Most of Potter's choices were rubbish, but those last two were two of his favourites. Potter was still talking; he definitely liked the sound of his own voice.
"The Unbroken Port Keys aaaaaand Elvis, you know the muggle," he said pointedly at Severus. "Can I go now?" He looked at McGonagall.
"No. Your turn, Mr Snape," McGonagall said. "And for the record, Potter, that was a list, not a conversation."
It was agonising before it had even begun. Severus did not have Potter's relaxed bravado. Nor his awful taste in music, thank Merlin. He shifted uncomfortably; he had to try and make this as painless as possible, but that meant giving McGonagall what she wanted… a conversation. He felt nauseous at the thought and could feel his most disgusted expression remodel his features.
"Death Pumpkin." The moment he said it he could feel his hatred rise. This great band will, from this day forth, always remind him of the idiot who sat before him. He couldn't help himself, "though perhaps not anymore."
"Snape!" McGonagall was not happy and that quip. She gave a small sigh. "Listen to me, you two. You are not here to answer my questions; you are here to have a conversation. You both know what that is, I distinctly remember having quite a few with you over the years. Try again, Snape."
Severus did not think he had ever felt so uncomfortable; he was almost in physical pain with this torment. He would never say a single insulting thing to Potter ever again or cast a single spell on him, just to get out of this room right now. He shifted self-consciously in his chair. He had to come up with a way of imagining that Potter was not even in the room. He leaned back, folded his arms and closed his eyes.
"I like Death Pumpkin and that kind of music when I'm doing something physical-"
James snorted, "Yeah right, like you ever-"
"Potter!" McGonagall warned.
Severus breathed deeply. "And I like Mozart and classical stuff like that when I'm studying."
"What? You like a muggle's music?"
Snape looked at James. "Mozart wasn't a muggle, Potter."
"Course he was." James looked at their Professor who had picked up a quill and was marking some first year homework. She ignored him and both students missed the small tug at her lips.
"He wasn't. He was a student at Beauxbatons who took him in even though he was from Austria and outside their boundary. He got a-"
James yawned loudly. Professor McGonagall sighed sharply through her nose and put her quill down and gave James one of her most severe stares.
"Sorry, Professor, sorry," James held up his hands in surrender. "Please do continue, SnivelSNAPE, Snape, I meant Snape."
Snape let out a growl of frustration. "Professor, how can I have a conversation with someone who apparently doesn't give a-"
"Next topic," McGonagall said loudly. "Talk about two things you would not want to live without. Snape."
Lily, Severus thought immediately to himself, but out loud said, "Oh no, Professor." His words were desperate. "That's a bit much for this, don't you think?"
"Ah come on, Snape?" James asked with an unnerving smirk. "Don't be embarrassed that you can't live without Mrs Mumsy Snape."
McGonagall took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Talk about the last Quidditch match."
"That would be when Ravenclaw trounced Hufflepuff," Potter said. "Rubbish game though."
Snape was silent… and suddenly desperate. He agreed with Potter. His insides were burning. Perhaps he could say that he didn't watch it… but McGonagall would know that's not true. Maybe he could disagree with Potter and say he thought it was a good game… but how could he say that, it was one of the most boring games he'd ever seen, Potter would think he had poor Quidditch knowledge. In the end, without looking Potter in the eye, all he said was,
"Yes."
McGonagall waited for a few moments. "And?" she said at last. The two students stared blankly back. "Why was it so boring?" she urged. Silence.
For half an hour Snape had to struggle through having to look at Potter's face without openly wanting to shout at it, or punch it, while enduring his snide remarks and distasteful egotism. He felt sick with all his self-control while hatred bubbled under the surface of every skin cell in his body and frequently broke through. Neither could control their insulting tongues.
There was a knock on the door and Dumbledore entered. "Oh, Professor Dumbledore," McGonagall breathed with relief. "As we anticipated, there has been little if any progress made. Do you have the draught?"
"I do."
"Draught? What draught?" Potter asked, alarmed.
"I am sorry you couldn't bring yourselves to civility," McGonagall said, not without the tiniest hint of a smile. "As much as I would like to stay, I shall leave you in Professor Dumbledore's capable hands. Good morning."
As McGonagall left the classroom, Severus and Potter watched Dumbledore move to her desk, place three mugs of pumpkin juice on coasters and slip a small vial from his pocket with the words 'Laughing Potion' written on the bottle's label.
x
Potter and Severus were on the floor, rolling around and hammering their fists against the flagstones in uncontrollable hysterics.
"You never said that, did you!?" Potter said, heaving deep breaths as he tried to control his laughter.
"I did!" Severus replied. "You should have seen his face. I walked right up to him in the Three Broomsticks, asked for a butterbeer and he said, 'that'll be two sickles, please'."
The two boys fell about as though this was the funniest incident they had ever heard.
"Oh, I've got one, I've got one," Potter said between breaths. "The other day, I walked up to Slughorn's office, knocked on the door and he said, and he said, he said… COME IN!"
Severus and Potter were out of control. Severus was very much aware of the tears rolling down his cheeks and that he was finding everything so hilarious that his chest and stomach physically hurt, but there was a silent, scowling part of him that knew he shouldn't be laughing; that knew that he hated the boy clutching his sides, doubled up with laughter opposite him, but everything was too funny.
When it got to the point when every word was so funny that neither boy was speaking at all because they couldn't form a sentence, Dumbledore, with great difficulty, managed to get them sitting in their chairs.
Severus was trying so hard to hold in his laughter that his body was shaking with the effort.
"I hope you have learned a lesson. As grown men you have to learn to be civil, even if you do not like the person you are talking to, otherwise imagine how the world would be. It would be the opposite of what just happened here tonight, full of anger and hate, conflict and cruelty. Now," he continued, "drink this and go to your dormitories to calm down, then join your classes after break."
x
Severus didn't see Potter for the rest of the day. The next day, however, he spotted him walking across the entrance hall. Their eyes met. Severus was sure his face was a mirror image of Potters: shock, mingled with disgust and fear that the actions of yesterday morning would become known to anyone else but them. Severus was not sure he ever really looked Potter in the face again.
x x x
Mr and Mrs Weasley were struggling to draw breath. Snape took a huge gulp of wine. Mr Weasley rose from his chair and stumbled across the room. They watched him walk out and a second later there was a knock at the door.
"COME IN!" Dumbledore, McGonagall and Mrs Weasley all called out. Mr Weasley tumbled into the room while they all fell about.
"Have some more wine," Professor McGonagall said as Mr Weasley approached the table. He held out his glass. "Two sickles please," she added. The noise roared from the table.
"What happened in the next detention?" Mrs Weasley finally managed, wiping her eyes with the tablecloth.
"Oh there was no need for a second detention," Dumbledore answered. "Only the threat of one. Neither boy would risk going through that again."
"Now hold on a minute," Snape interjected thinking back, trying his best to look menacing and failing. He couldn't think of anything to say.
Mr and Mrs Weasley were trying very hard to stifle their giggles in what seemed like a moment that was about to become serious. But Mr Weasley lost it, and Mrs Weasley was moments behind him.
Snape shivered and drained his glass, "Oh! It was dreadful!" he said dramatically standing up and turning his back on them, facing the fire. McGonagall and Dumbledore joined in with Mr and Mrs Weasley. Snape whirled round. "Well, what about you two?" He eyed the rosy faced red heads with glee.
"Us?" They looked at each other."Oh no, nonononono. We were good as goblin gold, weren't we, my dear?" Mr Weasley said to his wife.
"As good as gold gobstones," Mrs Weasley added.
"As good as a growing gurdyroot!" Mr Weasley exclaimed. Mrs Weasley wheezed with laughed.
"As good as... good as... a GIGGLING GRAPHORN!" she cried.
That was as far as it got until, as the laughter died down, an amused voice was heard through the merriment.
"Oh really?" Dumbledore said with a knowing smile...
THE END.