Derek stirred the pot and turned the jet right down to a low simmer. He placed the lid on the pot and poured himself another glass of wine, settling back against the end of the narrow couch and he picked up his book. His eyes flicked over the same line again and again. Sighing he dropped the book to the ground, swirled the wine in his glass watching the claret liquid cling to the sides of the glass before sliding back to the bottom. He checked his watch again. 9:45. She was due to get off at 7 and she had happily agreed to join him at his trailer for dinner and a sleepover when he had run into her this morning. She'd been clear she couldn't give him an exact time, which he understood, and that's why he'd made an easy one pot meal that could simmer away for a while and not get ruined.

Still, he'd expected her earlier than this, or at least that she'd call if she was going to be this late. He'd tried her once and the call had gone to her voicemail, but not until after it had rung twice. He had a sneaking suspicion she'd cancelled his call.

He was trying not to dwell or worry. She'd called him on his moodiness a few weeks back, and he'd reluctantly conceded that sometimes, well ok, often, when he didn't get everything his own way, he could tend to sulk and lash out. At the time he'd been a bit indignant, but after a while he'd appreciated that for her, to point it out to him, was a growth in itself, and once he let his defences down a little he could see she had a point.

But, nearly 2 hours later than he'd expected her, he was beginning to stew and worry and he could feel his mood shifting. Things had been great since the dinner after her skating. They had slowly started to move forward. The S&M was still going strong, but the sleepovers and dates added to it gave Derek much hope for where they were going. Meredith still hadn't been back to his trailer, after a few days of schedule clashes he'd caught five minutes with her this morning to suggest tonight. He'd been pleasantly surprised that she'd agreed without any hesitation. Hopefully now all their barriers were out of the way and they really were moving forward.

Except she was late, and hadn't called, and was avoiding his calls.

But he was trying very hard not to get moody about that, not at least until he found out why.

Just as he rose to stir the dinner once more he heard the sound of a car pulling up on his gravel driveway. He heard the slam of a car door. He waited for her to enter the trailer, minutes passed and the door didn't open and there was no knock. Frowning he walked to the door and opened it to come face to face with Meredith standing on the porch staring at a brown paper bag in her hand.

"Hi" he said relieved to see her

"Derek" she jumped momentarily surprised, then she glared at him, brushing past him she pushed into the trailer.

"What.." he started but was cut off by Meredith as she spun around.

"This is, you, you boy, your fault, you and your stupid penis" she spat out glaring at him

"What.." he tried again following her further into the trailer

"This" she yelled, waving the brown paper bag in the air in her direction "This is your fault"

"Mer.."

"But I am doing the right thing, cause I am here, not at Cristina's" Meredith continued ignoring Derek's attempt to talk "you know cause, this would normally be a Cristina and Meredith thing, and I thought of going there, but you know, well, growing, and trying to be ready, so I am here, instead, cause I figure that here, rather than there, is where a ready person would be" Meredith finished her tirade and stood one hand on hip, the other still clutching the brown paper bag, staring at Derek defying him to disagree.

Derek swallowed nervously, now she seemed finally ready for him to talk, and he was completely lost. Normally he could translate Meredith freak, but this time lost. He started at her as he wracked his brain.

"Right, great, freaking perfect, now, now you've got nothing to say" Meredith rolled her eyes at him.

Ok, so rationality wasn't big at the moment, he thought. Derek took a huge step forward and before Meredith could react he grabbed her in his arms holding in a big hug. He was surprised to find that her body was shaking "shhhhh" he whispered in her ear "whatever this is, it's ok, and whatever it is, I'm glad you're here" he tried soothingly.

"Glad" Meredith pushed him away forcefully "glad, your glad, about this?" she snarled waving the bag around again.

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, he had no idea what was the right thing to say in a situation where you had no idea what the situation was.

"Meredith, I want to help, but I need a clue here" he tried.

She all but snarled at him as she thrust the paper bag into his hands.

Derek tentatively opened the bag. His eyes grew wide as he read the description on the six identical white boxes nestled inside. "Oh" he breathed looking up at her stressed face, realisation hitting "Oh, you think you're pregnant?" he half asked half stated.

Meredith reached over and snatched the bag back, clutching it to her chest. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then just clamped it down and nodded. Tears welling in her eyes.

"What makes you think you are pregnant" he asked

"Car sickness"

"Car sickness?"

"I was talking today to a patient, who was saying what a misnomer the term "morning sickness" was and she was telling me how she basically felt like she was car sick the whole time.. and... well"

"You feel car sick?"

"I feel, yeah, well, not sick, just, you know, just off, and have for months"

"Why didn't you say something"

"Cause it's, just a general, not feeling great thing, not sick"

"Oh"

"So yeah, feeling slightly off... spotty"

He looked at her face queryingly

"No, not spots, you know spotty" she gestured below.

"Oh, right"

"And no real period"

"Ahh, ok, since when"

Here she cringed "Ummm probably just after I drowned"

His eyebrows shot up

"What?"

"Don't yell, don't you dare yell"

"I'm not yelling, but you notice this now"

"Well, yeah like I said, spotting and not completely gone, but now..."

"Now??"

"Yeah now, nothing since, well, the honeymoon"

"Oh, Ok" he said as he stood there in shock

"What do you mean ok, how is it ok" her voice shook

"Meredith don't get me wrong I'm not glad this is happening, we don't need this now, but I am glad you came to me"

"Yeah well, it seemed wrong to go to anyone else"

He resisted the urge to smile, this wasn't a smiley time, he focussed on the task at hand "Ok, so lets do this." He said gesturing at the bag she still clutched.

"Ok, but first, I have a speech"

"A speech"

"Yeah, cause that's where I've been preparing a speech"

"Oh I thought you were choosing"

"Choosing?" she asked

"To come here, or go, well there" he replied

"Oh, well that too, but there's a speech, that comes with the decision to come here"

"Ok" he nodded

"And you can't interrupt, even if I ramble, you can't, I mean I just have to say this"

"Ok"

"Ok, well the thing is this, I don't see options" she paused

"Options?" he asked

She glared his interruption "options, I just, I mean, for me, there aren't any. It's just, I'm sure everyone, you included thinks, well dark & twisty Meredith, she'd be all dark and twisty over her options. But well, no, I mean I am freaked. But there are no options" she stopped and stared at Derek

"Options?" he prompted

"Right, just you know. Well I don't want this. Not now, the timing sucks, but the thing is I probably do want this someday, I mean with you, someday. But not now. But that may be outside my control. No don't speak, this is the thing I need you to know, that no matter how bad the timing is, I don't see options for me, especially not with your baby"

"Oh, Ok, are you su.."

"Yes that is what all the driving around was for, I am sure, and I don't want you thinking that that is about you pressuring me or whatever. I just. I do want to be a Mom someday, and I want to be a better Mom than mine ever was, and I figure that terminating, my, our, baby, started me off as a crappier mom than she ever was. So, see, I just wanted to say no options"

Derek smiled at her, his eyes welling with tears, once again he closed the gap between them and pulled them into a tight hug "me either" he whispered in her ear "no options for me either"

She pulled back and stared into his eyes, he tucked some of her hair behind her ear "I mean, Meredith, I would support you no matter what, but yeah, no options is good for me"

"Ok" she smiled briefly before her frown returned. "That doesn't mean I am happy about this, stupid boy and your boy penis" she growled smacking his chest with the palm of her hand.

"Ok, I think we are in total agreement. Crap timing, hoping for a negative, but no options if it's positive, and we'll work it out?"

"Yeah something like that" she sighed, thrusting one of the boxes at him. "You do the test"

Despite himself, Derek laughed, he steered Meredith with his hand on the small of her back towards the tiny bathroom. "As much as I am here to help and support you through this, I think you need to pee on the stick".

She snatched the proffered box from his hands, hmmf'd and closed the door behind her.

Minutes passed and Derek paced up and down the small trailer. A myriad of emotions flashed through his brain, Meredith's anxiety had been contagious, and as much as he one day wanted children with her, he was completely on board with how bad this timing was. He was glad that she had been upfront around their options, to be pacing waiting for this result, and then having to go through the angst of waiting while she decided would have been unbearable. As difficult a situation this was at this point in time, he was happy they were on the same page. And if he was truthfully honest, somewhere deep inside he was ecstatic that in the midst of her freaking out she'd admitted she did want children with him one day. More minutes passed, he stopped pacing and sat on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands dangling towards the ground.

Finally Meredith opened the door, he looked at her questioningly.

"Three minutes" she said passing the stick to him "you time it, you read it"

"But you've been in there over ten already he replied"

She shrugged as she settled down in the seat beside him "stage fright" she nervously giggled "I couldn't pee on command"

He smiled at her as he checked the time on his watch, he laid the test on his knee and reached over and grabbed both her hands in his, steadying their shaking. "It's going to be ok" he said "we will work through this".

Meredith acknowledged his words with a small smile.

They sat in silence, Meredith leaned her upper body against Derek's side. The invisible clock ticking in their heads. After what seemed like an eternity he let go of her hands and checked his watch again. The time had passed.

Meredith sprang from the seat and began to pace. Derek turned the stick over, he let out a sigh "it's ok" he said towards her retreating back.

She span around on the spot "it's ok, it's ok? What the hell does that mean Derek, ambiguity not good here… " she started to freak and ramble.

Derek jumped up and grabbed her hands, stilling he movements and voice. "It's negative, Meredith, it's negative".

Meredith looked at him and then the test, the back at Derek's face "Oh" she gasped, and then her face crumbled, she stumbled the remaining gap into Derek's chest and started to sob.

Derek held her tight and rocked her in his embrace, his hand soothingly smoothing her hair as he whispered support and love in her ear. He had no idea if the tears were total relief or some disappointment, and he doubted that she could tell him, even if he were to push.

Derek woke to unfamiliar noises, it had been a long time since he had had overnight company at the trailer. He turned on to his back and stared up at the morning sky. He ran a hand over his face. After all the angst and emotion of the previous night they had eaten and then stumbled into bed. Once he realised that Meredith wasn't planning on running home, he had assumed that they would just crash, exhausted from a busy working week and the high tension of the evening. However he had been surprised that Meredith initiated a bout of tender and passionate love making, the only concession to their drama being her insistence that he wear a condom. So despite everything she had still been here and they had still been them. For the first time they had faced a drama and weathered it together.

And now she wasn't in the bed, and as he squinted at the clock he realised it was only 6am and neither of them had to work until 10. He pushed up on his elbows and half sat up in the bed. "Meredith?" he called.

The bathroom door sprang open, and she walked out frowning at the stick in her hand "Negative" she said as she walked back over to her side of the bed.

Derek flopped back onto the bed with a whooshing sigh "Yep, just like the four last night" he groaned.

"Mmmmm" she replied as she crawled back under the covers, her expression inscrutable.

He turned on his side to face her. "If you keep this up I am going to start to think that you're disappointed with the result you keep getting" he joked.

"Hmmm" she replied again, then her head shot up "what?" she exclaimed as his words sunk in "no, the result is good, I mean negative is good, right, I mean, it's just.."

Derek propped himself up further on his side as he realised that she was still conflicted by this. "Meredith, negative is good, and if you still feel bad about it in a few weeks, we can discuss…"

"Oh" she said her eyes popping, "No, it's not that. I mean negative is good. No baby, is good. At the moment, but future, well, yeah, but future isn't a few weeks" she frowned at him

"Ok, future is fine" he soothed, perplexed as to her mood

"It's just.." she started, trailing off as she turned the latest test in her fingers.

"Just.." he prompted giving up on second guessing her.

She stared at the stick some more, then back at Derek "…just, well the reasons I thought, I was, you know, pregnant… well still there" she finished.

"Oh" he nodded as he absorbed her point "Oh" he frowned "So…"

"No periods, tenderness here" she said pressing her fingers lightly against her lower abdomen "and just a general unwellness" she repeated her symptoms which had led to her pregnancy test buying spree the day before.

Derek's brow furrowed as he tossed her symptoms around his head. Now he understood the persistent testing. "It could be…" his voice trailed off. "I mean gyno's not my thing, really"

"Derek you were married to an Oby-Gyn for freaking sake"

"Yeah one who I ignored and avoided for the better part of the last three years of our marriage" he reminded her.

Meredith just looked at him, then back at the test. "Hmmmm"

Derek swallowed, his mind had started to fly off into scary territories. "Let's get you an appointment with Miller as soon as we can, run some tests, maybe it's just a bug"

"A bug that stops your period?" Meredith queried arching her eyebrows.

"Like I said, gyno's not my thing, let's see Miller today and go from there" he offered pulling her in to a hug.

AN - Hmmm not 100 happy with this chapter. Plotwise this is what I wanted, but it seems to drag & jump around at the same time. But if I don't just plow through I'll give up and abandon, and I have a plot plan for this... so let me know what you think, constructive reviews always welcome!