Because my two main obsessions at the moment are the Mighty Boosh and Doctor Who, I thought 'why not combine the two into the one ultimate fanfiction?' So here is the absolute greatest fanfiction ever written. It's amazing. You'll never read anything as good as this ever again in your entire life. I'm just putting that out there. It's kind of a big deal.

(Disclaimer: it's all about CONTEXT. It might be the best fanfiction ever written, who knows. I sure don't.)

APPLES AND PEARS AND VARIOUS OTHER FRUIT

PROLOGUE

It was a dark night.

Illuminated faintly by moonlight, two men struggled to carry a large crate through the gates of the zoo. Like most things, the zoo looked very different by moonlight. Dark shadows replaced the usually bright scenery and pools of blackness covered the pathways. Without the squawks, roars and bays of the animals, and the usual bustle of people coming and going, it seemed very quiet and empty. One would even call it... eerie.

The shorter man stumbled slightly.

"Watch it, you imbecile!" His companion barked. "If you harm it, I will harm you."
The shorter man whined in an American drawl. "But Dixy, you wouldn't really hurt me, would you?"
Dixon Bainbridge bristled. "I told you to never call me that." He snapped angrily. "You are expendable, this crate is not. Do not forget that."
Bob Fossil sniffed. "What kinda animal is in this thing anyway?"
"That is none of your concern."
"Well I'm carrying it," Fossil whined again, "So-"
Bainbridge scowled and cut him off mid-whinge. "Just stay out of it if you know what's good for you."
Fossil sighed dramatically. "Don't worry, Dixy, I won't drop it. I'm real good at carrying things."

Bainbridge pointedly ignored the pet name and focussed on carrying the heavy crate. Something shifted inside it slightly.
Fossil continued trying to impress his companion, unaware he was being ignored. "Look, Dixy!" He giggled, "No hands!"

The crate fell in what seemed like slow motion. Bainbridge could only watch, mouth agape, and wonder how anyone could be so stupid. The wood splintered immediately and a huge shape smashed from its confines and rolled out onto the concrete.

"Holy tits on toast!" Fossil squealed, "What the heck is that thing?"

The creature was made entirely from a strange, dull metal but Fossil could tell that, somehow, it was... alive? It swung around, pointing the telescope shaped sensor from its domed head at the two men. As Fossil gawked, the creature started to screech. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

It pointed a metal arm at the panic-stricken American and his life flashed before his eyes.

There was a beat.

Bainbridge began to laugh. Fossil opened his eyes a crack and realised with relief that he was still alive. The creature was harmless. Bainbridge slapped Fossil on the back and stalked off, calling over his shoulder, "Put it in a cage and increase our ticket price by one hundred euros. We've got a new exhibit."