I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: Lifelike texture ; ;
Shinji Ikari yawned loudly as his alarm clock blared loudly in his right ear.
"Morning already?" he asked the empty room. Thanks to the young man's upbringing, the dreams that were inspired by his first experience piloting Unit-01 hadn't disturbed him all that much.
"Nothing worse than Uncle Ivor's drawings," Shinji shrugged before getting his things ready for the bath.
Misato Katsuragi somehow managed to drag her hungover carcass out of her warm and comfortable bed.
"Need bathroom…" she mumbled to herself.
The purple haired drunkard shuffled towards her bathroom and opened the door as she would have any other day.
"Good morning Misato-san," Shinji greeted cheerfully.
"Mornin' Shinji," Misato replied absently as she yawned loudly. When she moved her head back in front of her, she noticed that something was up. "Wait, what are you doing here?"
"You asked me to move in with you, Misato-san," the pilot replied as he replaced the towel he had just finished using on the rack.
"Oh yeah, I did. Anyway, I need to… you know," the Captain said, her right hand gesturing to the toilet.
"Of course, Misato-san," Shinji smiled as he walked to his room naked as the day he was born.
"Err… aren't you forgetting something, Shinji?"
The purple haired woman was surprised to see the teenager allow his penis to swing freely as he turned to face her.
"I am?"
"Your clothes?" Misato hinted.
"Oh, they're in my room – I didn't want to get them wet in the bathroom."
"Oh, ok," Misato's response was curtailed by the urgent need to relieve the pressure in her bladder. "We'll talk about it later."
Shinji shrugged as the door was slammed shut and turned back to his room.
That evening, Misato was glad to be back home. With the combination of an unholy amount of coffee and snack foods, she had managed to cut a swathe through the mountain of paperwork that threatened to collapse her desk.
Feeling pleased with herself, the Captain was looking forward to a meal that had been prepared by someone else and several cold beers to help her deal with the hot and sticky evening.
What she wasn't expecting to see as she entered the kitchen to grab the first of her cold brews was Shinji standing at the stove dressed in only an apron.
"S-Shinji, where are your clothes?"
"Oh, welcome home, Misato-san," the pilot smiled in response. "Well, you see, it's a hot day and I find that if I just 'air myself off' then I can go about doing things rather than just collapsing in a heap. By the way, dinner's ready."
"Oh. But don't you feel weird walking around naked?" Misato asked as she pulled out a can of beer. "What if the neighbours see you like that?"
"I guess they'll do whatever they want," Shinji shrugged in reply. "I can't make them or stop them from doing anything."
"That's not what I meant, Shinji," the voluptuous woman countered after taking a long drink of her beer.
"Oh. What did you mean, Misato-san?"
"You're mocking me, aren't you, Shinji Ikari?"
"No, I'm just not sure what you mean."
Sighing, Misato decided to put the argument to one side for the time being. "Let's just eat, shall we? I'm starving!"
As the evening drew on, Misato found her eyes inexplicably wandering towards her roommate.
"Shinji, it's a bit cooler now, so why don't you put some clothes on?"
"I don't want to make more laundry than I have to. Besides, it's not like it's freezing outside."
"True," the beer drinker admitted. "But don't you feel embarrassed about the fact that you're naked?"
"It's not the first time I've been naked outside of the bath," Shinji answered calmly. "Besides, I find that it helps me relax."
"You... find it relaxing to just sit around naked?" Misato asked incredulously.
"Yeah, it's less messy then some of the other things I could be doing."
"Do I want to know?"
"I don't know, do you?" Shinji asked with a straight face.
"… I'm going to take a bath now, so why don't you do the dishes?" Misato suggested while she rubbed her forehead in an attempt to fend off the oncoming headache.
"Ok, Misato-san," the pilot smiled as he stood up.
When she was alone, the beer drinker tried her hardest to get the image of her roommate's dangly parts swaying from her mind. "Damn it, I need to start drinking hard liquor…"
Ritsuko was surprised to hear her phone ringing, given the late hour. Deciding that it would be a welcome break from her current paperwork, she picked up the receiver.
"Akagi speaking."
"¬Ritsuko, it's Misato. Is there anything in the files about Shinji's guardians before he came to Tokyo-3?¬"
"Err… let me check. Why, is there something the matter with Shinji-kun?"
"¬You could say that,¬" Misato replied with a sigh.
Ritsuko blinked as she heard a sloshing sound on the other end of the line. "Misato, are you drinking out of a bottle?"
"¬Trust me, I need this. You would too if you were living with a fourteen year old exhibitionist, Ritsuko.¬"
"Ok, that's not what I was expecting," the blonde admitted. "So, what happened? Did Shinji leave the door open when he went for a pee or something?"
"¬It's much worse than that, Ritsuko,¬" the increasingly drunk woman whined. "¬He… he likes to walk around naked to relax.¬"
"Misato, listen, we've all had a stressful few days. I'm sure that Shinji is still a little unsettled, what with the move and his new role and all. I'm sure that everything will be fine and Shinji just forgot to put his pants on. We've all had wardrobe mishaps, hell, I'm sure that you don't need to be reminded about that white t-shirt incident in college," the scientist calmly replied. "Just get some sleep and things will work out if you have a little faith."
"¬Since when do get to talk about faith, Miss Science?¬" Misato shot back.
"It works for some people, and since you have that cross, I figured you might be one of those people. But if that's the attitude you're going to take with me…."
"¬That's not what I meant, Ritsuko! I was just… hell, you know – you're so calculating and stuff, so to hear you talk about faith is a little weird, you know.¬"
"Yeah, well, we live in interesting times, so what harm can it do?" Ritsuko asked rhetorically. "I'll see you in the morning, so that means it's time to put the bottle down and crawl into bed. Good night, Misato."
Misato frowned at the handset she was holding. She didn't want to admit it, but her friend was right – she should try to relax without the help of alcohol, but the bottle blonde hadn't seen the way Shinji's bits were swinging freely like an ape in the jungle!
Letting out a loud sigh, the purple haired woman decided that she'd spent enough time in the bath and stood up.
The combination of heat, alcohol and a head rush caused an idle thought or two to enter her mind.
"What if Shinji walks in? What would he do? Just how big is he?"
For better or worse, the door remained closed and Misato's head cleared enough for her to realise what she was doing.
"Damn, Ritsuko was right, I just need to get some sleep."
Shinji heard the doors to the bathroom and Misato's bedroom open and close as he lay on his bed.
"I wonder if she doesn't like me… What would Uncle Ivor do?" the teenager asked himself.
'Shinji, if you find that an attractive woman doesn't like you, you could try foreplay to get in her good books. Compliments are usually a good idea. Start with her looks, intelligence and any skills that she's displayed. You just have to know what gets her motor running,' an older male voice replied in Shinji's head. 'Casual observation of what she keeps around her should tell you what sort of thing she likes or dislikes.
'Stalking her like she's your prey is for when you're a bit older. Unless you really think that it's your only option, then you have to be like a ninja. And you can only observe, never interfere, otherwise it's over. However, if you're known to her, then you should start by doing nice things for her.'
"Right," Shinji said as he turned to select his clothes for his first day at school. "I'll make Misato-san as happy as I can."
Having prepared his uniform, the pilot left for his morning wash, uncaring of his nudity.
Misato's alarm sounded, rousing the woman from her alcohol-induced slumber. She rolled onto her back and after a few minutes of adjustment to the light, her brain had woken up enough to recognise the smell of breakfast being cooked.
"Is that Shinji cooking? Maybe I was more tired than I thought. Though maybe it won't be so bad if Shinji's doing the cooking – last night's dinner was pretty good…" the purple haired woman vaguely recalled.
After managing to get out of bed without too much trouble, Misato yawned loudly as she stretched, her full bosom pushed out.
Looking down, she was reminded that Shinji didn't seem too affected by her feminine charms. "Maybe he didn't get a good enough look? He does seem to keep himself to himself, so maybe he was being polite by not staring?"
Shrugging, the slightly hungover woman grabbed the pair of shorts that were on the floor and slid them on.
"Let's see what Shinji's made for breakfast."
"Good morning, Misato-san," Shinji greeted with a smile as he placed two plates on the table. "You've got excellent timing, I was just about to tell you that breakfast was ready."
"Well, luck is part of my skill-set," the Captain winked playfully. "So, what have you cooked for us this morning?"
"Just some instant miso, omelette and rice; I didn't have time for anything fancier. Sorry about that."
"Oh, don't worry – it smells better than the toast I was going to have."
Shinji's light blush at the praise didn't go unnoticed by Misato. 'So he does have emotions after all. Maybe Ritsuko was right?' "Wait, are you wearing clothes under that apron?"
"I didn't want to risk getting any food on me – the apron you have isn't very big. But I am wearing pants this time," Shinji replied.
It was Misato's keen observational skills that kept her from panicking before her day had even started – she noticed that the young man was wearing black trousers. Though she did have to wonder why he didn't say trousers when that's what he meant.
The noises that came from her stomach forced that particular concern from her mind.
"Let's eat, shall we, Shinji-kun?"
Ritsuko noted that her friend and co-worker seemed to be in a much better state than she had expected.
"What's up, Ritsuko? You look like you expected me to be rough as sandpaper," Misato smirked.
"Well, I can't say that expected you to be able to put the bottle down so soon after you called me. I'm assuming that you remember your college days, right? But I understand if you don't," the bottle blonde countered with an equally smug look.
"You know, if you had a better diet, you'd be less constipated. That is why you're so uptight, isn't it?"
"My bowel movements are none of your concern, Misato," Ritsuko replied in her haughtiest voice.
"Ok, that's too much information for me," Makoto Hyuga said with a sour look on his face. "Page me when you're done, I'll be elsewhere."
When they were alone, the two women let out the laughter they'd been holding in.
"You've really got that snooty bitch act down, Ritsuko."
"And you, Misato, I didn't think that you'd bring up defecation just like that."
After another moment's mirth, Misato brought up part of last night's conversation. "So, did you find anything out about Shinji's guardians?"
"To be honest, I've not had a chance. And I probably won't until later this week, what with the repairs to Unit-01 and everything," Ritsuko explained with a sigh. "But don't let that stop YOU from investigating."
"Me? Do I have to?"
"You're the one that brought this up."
"Yeah, but I didn't want to do any hard work," Misato whined.
"Well, either you do it or you wait until I've got time. I'll let you know when I'm free, Misato."
At Tokyo-3 Middle School, Shinji Ikari was completing the necessary forms for his enrolment.
"There, that should do it," he smiled at the receptionist. "Is there anything else I need to do?"
"Not at the moment," the older lady behind desk smiled back. "Your class is 2-A, it's on the fourth floor. You need to take a left when you get to the fourth floor and it's the third on your right."
"Thank you," the pilot bowed in thanks. As he made his way up the stairs, his thoughts turned to his classmates.
While he didn't expect them to treat him any differently, he was wondering what he should tell them about himself. Misato had told him that most of what happened at NERV was top secret and that he needed to be very careful about what he told people.
And he didn't want anyone to get into trouble – he recalled what sort of thing happened to people in trouble from one of his Uncle Rocco's films.
"Misato-san seems like too nice of a person to enjoy being tied up and grabbed and poked and prodded like Yumi-nee-chan," the teenager mused. "But she seemed like a nice girl too…"
After a moment, he realised that he would be just as likely to get into trouble and seeing as he was of school age, he wasn't too thrilled about some of the possibilities that his Uncle Ivor had shown him.
"I don't think that tentacles are supposed to go in there…"
Before he realised it, he was at the doorway to his classroom. Knocking on the beige door, he waited for a response.
"Ah, it's you, Ikari-kun. We were expecting you," the grey-haired man smiled politely. "Please, come in and introduce yourself."
"Hello, I'm Shinji Ikari, it's a pleasure to meet you," the pilot bowed respectfully to the rest of the class. When he looked up, he noticed that there seemed to be more empty seats in the room than he expected. "Sensei, does it matter where I sit? I don't want to take anyone's place."
"You can sit in fifth row, next to Aida-kun," the teacher said as he gestured to a bespectacled boy.
"Thank you, Sensei."
As Shinji took his place, the class otaku appraised him causally. 'Why would he transfer to Tokyo-3 so soon after the other day?'
"Hi, I'm Kensuke Aida," the brown haired boy smiled.
"Pleased to meet you," Shinji replied before sitting down and pulling out his note book and pencil case.
Lunchtime arrived with its musical chimes and Shinji found himself talking to his class neighbour as they left for the schoolyard.
Well, Kensuke was doing most of the talking, Shinji was nodding politely and answering at the right moments.
Finally, as they approached the brown-haired boy's favourite spot, it was time for the big question. "So… why did you move here to Tokyo-3?"
"My father asked me to come here," the pilot replied. He was hesitant to give too many more details, lest he get people into trouble.
"What does your father do, Shinji?" Kensuke followed up with a casual tone.
"I… don't really know many the details, but he works for NERV."
The otaku nodded as he opened his store-bought bento. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Shinji's looked slightly more hand-made.
'Lucky guy, he's got someone to make his food for him,' he thought enviously. "So, you move her with your dad and stepmom?"
"No… My mom's dead and I don't see my dad all that much," Shinji sighed sadly. "I don't know why, but I don't think he likes me…"
"Oh shit, sorry man, I didn't mean to be insensitive," Kensuke apologised. "My mom's dead, too."
"I guess we have more in common than we thought we did when we met," the young Ikari said with a small smile as he tried to salvage the friendship.
"Yeah. So, did you see any of that battle with that robot from the other day or any of the pictures from the aftermath on TV?"
'Crap, this was just what I wanted to avoid…' "Err… no, I was in a NERV shelter and I don't watch much TV," Shinji said evasively.
"Oh," Kensuke said, seemingly satisfied with the answer. 'He knows more than he's letting on. Maybe he's the pilot?'
After he looked at Shinji while the transfer student, he reconsidered that idea. 'Nah, he couldn't be the pilot – why would they make it so something that expensive needed a kid to pilot it?'
The two fourteen year olds blinked when something blocked out the sunlight.
"So this is the new kid, eh?" a loud voice asked rhetorically.
"Sato-sempai," Kensuke said, beginning to wish that Touji was here. "What can we do for you?"
"Well, seeing as there's a new kid in school and how I'm from the third year, I've got a little job to do. You know, tradition an' all that," the larger teen explained with an arrogant look on his face.
"Aww crap," the otaku winced as Shinji was hauled off the ground.
"What? What's up?" the pilot asked in confusion.
Kosuke Sato smirked. "Well there's a tradition here: the new kid, that would be you, gets initiated."
"H-how?"
"Well, I could beat the crap out of you and take your wallet, or there's making you walk around school half naked. What's it gonna be?"
"Well, if you put it that way, I'd prefer to avoid a beating. Will we be done by the end of lunch?" Shinji replied calmly. "I don't want anyone to get into trouble for being late back to class."
"How considerate of you, New Kid," the bully smiled. "Let's get you to the other part of the yard so you can streak across the school."
"Kensuke, could you take my things back to the classroom? I don't want to forget them when I get dressed again."
"Yeah, sure man. Are you really going to do this?" the otaku asked, unsure of what his new friend was planning.
"I find that it's easier if I do as I'm told," Shinji answered just before he was dragged off for his humiliating introduction to the bulk of the school population.
Five minutes later, Sato picked the young Ikari's clothes off the floor.
"See you inside, New Kid," the bully laughed as ran off in the direction of the 2-A homeroom.
Shinji frowned slightly at the thought of damage to his feet before letting out a sigh.
"At least it's not like it's raining," he mused as he began the walk to his classroom, seemingly oblivious to the reactions to his fellow students.
And there were indeed reactions. Some of the girls had seen the way he'd been taken to the far end of the school and forced to strip naked by one of the older students.
However, they were unsure of what to make of the polite smile on Shinji's face as he walked past them as if nothing was wrong.
Not that the first group of girls thought that there was anything wrong with Shinji's anatomy, given the way he was swaying gently as he walked past.
"He's a bit bigger than the pictures in health class, isn't he?"
"He doesn't care that we can see everything, does he?"
"Yeah, he kinda reminds me of Ayanami – you remember when she tripped and everyone could see up her skirt? She didn't even bat an eyelid."
"Doesn't he have any shame?" a stern voice asked as its owner walked up to the trio of gossiping girls. "Ikari-kun, why aren't you in your uniform?"
The pilot turned to the girl, not bothering to cover himself with his hands. "Oh, hello Horaki-iinchou. I'm in the middle of some sort of initiation rite, that who was it… Sato-sempai insisted I take. It was either this or being beaten up, and seeing as I don't like being in pain, I took this option."
"Gah, cover yourself up!" Hikari ordered, her face bright red with embarrassment.
"What? Why? Is something wrong?" Shinji asked innocently.
"You are naked in public, Ikari-kun," the class rep stated in a patronising tone. "That is against school rules. If you don't get dressed ASAP, you'll get into serious trouble."
"Oh, well, I don't want that. If you'll excuse me, I'll get back to our class where Sato-sempai has put my clothes."
The girls blinked in surprise as the naked youth turned on his heel and walked off at a calm pace to the main building.
During the afternoon lessons, the school network was running a lot slower due to the amount of instant messaging traffic it was carrying.
Eventually, someone was brave enough to send a message to Shinji.
'¬Is it true that they made you walk across the school naked?¬'
The pilot mulled over the communiqué while he waited for the teacher to stop speaking. 'I don't see why I shouldn't tell them the truth…'
'¬Yes, it was that or get beaten up and I can't afford to be injured.¬'
There was a short delay, but the response was quickly typed.
'¬Why not? Do you have an after school job?¬'
'¬Sort of, but I can't really talk about it,¬' Shinji typed back, after realising who it was that was messaging him. '¬Besides, my Uncle Rocco always said I should take care of my looks.¬'
'¬Uncle Rocco?¬' the Class Rep repeated. '¬What did he do?¬'
'¬He is an entertainer. His professional name is "Rokku Haado".¬'
After three minutes, Hikari Horaki leapt from her chair and pointed accusingly at the new student.
"Y-you're a pornstar?"
"W-what? Why would you think that?" Shinji asked in confusion.
"I just searched for your Uncle Rocco's alter-ego, Rokku Haado, and the computers wouldn't let me click the links because they're ALL classed as 'Adult Material'," the Class Rep explained.
"I never starred in any of Uncle Rocco's films," the pilot insisted. "Well, not in the main scenes, I mean. I might have been a background extra in one or two of them."
The rest of the class blinked audibly as the processed what the two were telling them. However, their questions were cut off by the sound of the chimes that signalled the end of the lesson.
Kensuke, with his deviant mind, realised that if what Shinji was saying was the truth then he could get all sorts of filth for free.
"So, Shinji, about your Uncle Rocco," the otaku was about to in his most casual tone.
Unfortunately for him, he was trampled by the stampede and Shinji was mobbed by the rest of the class.
The barrage of questions came thick and fast.
"What's Rokku Haado like in real life?"
"How did you get into porno films?"
"Is that why you don't care who sees you naked?"
"Does being in porno films make your thingy bigger?"
All eyes turned to the person that asked the last question.
"Hey, in all the professional porn I've seen, the guys are much bigger than in the amateur stuff," Kensuke said as he dusted himself off.
When they turned back to look at Shinji, they saw that he was slowly backing towards the door.
"Err… look, there's that purple giant from the other day!" he said pointing out the window and running off down the corridor.
Ten seconds into his escape, the hapless Ikari slammed into something solid.
"Well, well, aren't you an eager one?" a sultry female voice asked.
To be continued...
Well, this was forced upon my by a well known member of Hawk's forum.
You know who you are.
It was also pre-read by Chi Vayne. I might update this one again before doomsday :P