John Paul McQueen was standing in the kitchen. The clock was almost noon and he was still in his pajamas. When he awoke earlier that day and went to the bathroom, Zach was there. And then Zoë had cut in line. And then Jess had cut in line. And before John Paul knew it, Kris had locked the bathroom door behind him, and he just had to face it – it was a lost battle. No one, not even John Paul's elder sister Carmel, used more time in the bathroom than Kris. He had made himself a cup of coffee and was reading the newspaper when it occurred to him: this was a weird day. He couldn't exactly put his finger on it, but something was different. Was it something he forgot? Something he was supposed to do? John Paul couldn't figure it out.

The bathroom door opened and Kris entered the kitchen. He was wearing a small skirt, a white shirt and a purple scarf.

"Woha, someone's all dressed up!" John Paul said. "What's the occasion?"

"Don't need an occasion to look gorgeous, love – you should know that by now," Kris answered while checking his eyeliner in the reflection of a spoon. John Paul rolled his eyes and went for the bathroom.

It was February. It was nine months since the first time he and Craig slept together. It was eight months and nine days since the second time they shagged. It was seven months and twenty days since the first time Craig said that he loved him. It was five months and six days since Sarah Barnes had found out about the two of them. It was four months and 28 days since the heartbreaking moment when he left the airport and freed himself physically from Craig Dean. It was three months and two days since he shagged someone who wasn't his best mate. It was two weeks and four days since the last time he thought about Craig while jerking off in the shower. And it was a whole day, 24 hours, since he last thought about the other boy at all. In other words – today was the first day when the thought of Craig hadn't even occurred to him.

Someone up there must have a cruel sense of humour – the first day Craig wasn't present in John Paul's mind he would actually reappear outside of it

"If you're looking for the way out, this isn't it."

"What?"

"Weren't you supposed to leave last year?"

"Do I know you?"

"No idea."

Craig Dean was standing on the airport, waiting for his suitcase to appear. The last five months hadn't changed his looks very much, only made him a bit thinner. He also had a more mature look in his eyes, something that made him less boy and more man. Being on this airport once again, awoke painful memories in Craig, he couldn't suppress them, and they just came tumbling down in his head.

It was nine months and two days since he realized that his feelings for his best mate weren't completely platonic. It was seven months and nineteen days since he and John Paul really made love for the first time. It was six months and 27 days since he broke John Paul's heart by going to Zante with Sarah without even telling his lover. It was five months and four days since he told Sarah that he wanted to be with John Paul, and not her. It was four months and 28 days since the heartbreaking moment when he chose not to kiss JP on the airport and lost him. It was three months since his first one night stand as a Dubliner. It was one week and five days since he last pictured John Paul while jerking of under the sheets. And it was 24 hours since he decided to go home for a while, back to Chester, back to Hollyoaks.

"Don't leave me!"

John Paul was walking through the gate in front of HCC when he spotted a light head in the crowd. He quickly hid behind the corner of the bike shed and hoped David hadn't seen him. David was a mistake John Paul had made three times; once in the toilet at some bar, once in an alley down town, and once in some bushes in the park. John Paul wasn't really the type to sleep around, not that he actually did, there hadn't been any others, but David was nothing more than a nice shag to him, and that made John Paul feel guilty. Especially because he knew that David was hoping for something more, something permanent and not just sexual.

He discretely looked around the corner of the shed to see if David had spotted him.

"Who are you hiding from?" it suddenly snapped behind him. He spun around and saw Katie looking at him with one eyebrow raised. He sighed relieved.

"What gives you the idea that I'm hiding?" he mumbled before peeping around the corner again.

Katie laughed and grabbed his arm. "He just went inside, John Paul, he's not here. Why can't you just tell him anyway?"

"I shouldn't have to!" John Paul answered grumpily as they started walking towards the building. "I haven't spoken to him in four weeks, I haven't texted him back one single time, I'm avoiding him all of the time – how long does it take to get the sodden message?!"

"I think he's in love," Katie teased. "Some people have that reaction after sex, you know."

"Don't start, ok? I'm already feeling guilty enough as it is."

"So put the poor lad out of his misery and tell him, you coward!"

John Paul stopped and looked her in the eye. "Katie?" he said strictly.

She rolled her eyes. "Ok, point taken. It's none of my business I guess."

They had reached their classroom and went inside.

John Paul couldn't concentrate. He wasn't like this. Not really. It wasn't like him to fuck somebody just for physical pleasure. But he had had enough of love – it was too complicated and too easy to get hurt.

"Then you've made your choice, haven't you?"

"It's not about choice! It's how I feel. It's different with you, it's… It's not just about the sex.

I love you."

"Oh my GOD! My baby's back! Craigy is BACK!"

Craig had just entered the Dog and almost got the air knocked out of him when his mother flung herself into his arms. She hugged him so hard that he couldn't breathe.

"I can't believe you're back, Craigy!" she said holding him on arms length and studying him tenderly. "But you should have said something, given us a shout, love! Oh, you look so skinny. Better get some food into that body before you disappear completely. Oh, I'm so happy to see my baby again!" And she hugged him even harder than before. The costumers were looking at them curiously and Craig started to feel a little embarrassed. "Mom, "he said, breaking free from her embrace. "I've missed you too, but do you think we can do this upstairs?"

She was about to answer him when Jack and Steph entered. And then he had it going for about half an hour.

Later, while upstairs unpacking, his mother came to see him. "Are you back for him?" she simply asked.

"Who?" Craig asked distractedly, but he knew it was silly. They both knew who Frankie was talking about.

"Don't be silly, love."

"I don't know." That was the truth. Craig didn't know how he felt. He had spend the last months convincing himself that the whole thing with John Paul had just been a phase and he'd done it so well that he almost believed it. He looked at his mother. "But I don't think so, mum."

Frankie didn't try to cover how relieved she was, just walked back into the living room, her shoulders sinking for the first time in months.

"You've had your chance with me."

"What? So you're over me?"

"I'm not playing along anymore. So you just leave me out of things in the future, all right?"

What the hell was wrong with everybody? John Paul sat in the kitchen, trying to get his head around an assignment but had difficulties concentrating. Every one of his flat mates was acting all funny. It was like they all tiptoed around him and none of them looked him in the eye. Jess and Zöe seemed to have a whispering conversation that concerned him; they kept throwing glances in his direction. Zach tried to act natural but failed completely. He wandered restless around the room telling strange jokes, looking stressed. Kris was the only one who acted as he normally did. He sat across the table from John Paul, filing his nails.

"Well, how do you think he will react? I mean is it better to just –" Jess said with what she thought was a low tone of voice, while casting another glance at John Paul.

He had had enough. "Excuse me, but are you chatting about me?" he asked, annoyed.

The girls became quiet. "No…" Jess denied, but Kris interrupted her: "Jess darling, discretion has never been something you handled very well."

Zach was sweating. "I think I'm going for a drink," he mumbled. "Certainly don't wanna be around her now," he added thinking that no one heard him.

"Wait a minute!" John Paul said, and Zach stopped on his way towards the door. Everyone stared at him. "I get the impression that everyone here knows something that concerns me, and I'm of course the last idiot to know as always. What the hell is going on?"

"Well…"

"Um…"

"Look mate…"

The girls and Zach were fidgeting, all starting to talk in the same time. John Paul looked helpless at the boy on the other side of the table. "Kris?"

"Craig's back," the blonde simply answered. "I don't understand how you managed to miss that one," he added. "Everyone knows."

"OK, I'm definitely going out now," Zach said and short after, the door shut behind him.

John Paul couldn't speak. His mind went completely blank for a second. Craig was back. Craig was back in Hollyoaks. Craig was a five minutes' walk away.

His heart was racing and he started sweating.

"John Paul? You okay?" Jess asked. The girls had come over to the table where he and Kris sat, and they all looked at him, concerned.

"Um… I… Is he…" John Paul stuttered. A lot of thoughts were tumbling together inside of his mind. The last time he saw Craig was one of the worst moments in his life. His brown eyes had been filled with tears, he looked so scared and little and alone. As John Paul turned and walked away, he thought he could hear Craig's voice begging him not to leave him. Thinking about it made John Paul's stomach hurt with guilt. But that wasn't the only thing he felt. He felt like sixteen again, when he first had fell for Craig. His palms were sweaty and his heart beat so loudly, he was sure that the other tree could hear it. The third thing he felt was confusion. Why would Craig come back now? He hadn't even returned for Christmas! John Paul found himself lost in his own thoughts. Oh, my God, what am I going to do if I see him? What am I going to say? What will I wear? Oh, my God, maybe he doesn't even want to see me? And –

His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening and Darren's voice.

"Hey! Look what I brought! Some cat must've dragged it into town."

When John Paul looked up he only saw Craig's rich brown eyes, staring back at him.

"Look, I don't wanna argue with you, John Paul. It works, doesn't it? If we keep it to ourselves, no one gets hurt."

"And what about me? Have you any idea what it does to me watching you with Sarah, all over each other?"

"Doesn't mean we have to stop seeing each other."

"You're kidding yourself if you think I'm gonna live my life like that.""Think about it.""You think about it!"

Craig was surprised he hadn't regretted his return sooner, before Darren popped in. He was sitting on his bed, listening to music, when his stepbrother opened the door.

"Well, look at this! Came crawling back to mummy, did you?" Darren laughed.

"I needed some time off, okay?" Craig said, rolling his eyes. How was it possible for Darren to get on his nerves within seconds?

"Ah, right. Come to win loverboy's heart, have you?"

"Is he here?" Craig said a bit too quickly, and he could have punched himself. It wasn't like he was that into seeing John Paul again.

Darren of course didn't let his slip pass unnoticed. "Oooohhh, so we're gay after all, then?"

"No," Craig stated. "And I haven't come to see him – like I said, I needed a vacation." He didn't even believe it, himself. Of course he wanted to see his mate again. But just as mates. Right?

"Anyway," Darren said. "I'm having some people over later. We're gonna do a little drinking, a little partying, you know. Well, of course you know, you're a student now."

Craig avoided his eye. Truth was, he hadn't really had too many nights out after he moved to Dublin. The city wasn't what he'd expected. He mostly sat in his flat, feeling pathetic. And after his first night out… Well, once burned.

"Hey, mate, are you listening?"

Craig looked up and realized that he'd been in his own world a little too long. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Do you wanna come?" Darren asked impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah, why not?" He could use a little fun.

"Be ready in an hour," Darren said and turned to leave. "And Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Nice having you home, baby brother."

Craig did some more unpacking and tried not to think about his blue eyed ex-lover and mate. They had been in this room a lot of times, both before and after their relationship became sexual. One time they had watched like five movies in a row. Another time Craig hadn't been able to control himself, and he had shagged John Paul on his bed while the pub downstairs was filled with costumers. They had been lying in his bed when Jack came barging in. Craig smiled when he remembered how John Paul had hid under the sheets, misleading Jack to think that he was actually Sarah. My God, JP had been nothing but nice and kind and lovely during the whole heartbreaking situation! And Craig had been a coward as usual, always running away.

He shook his head. No more thinking of him, he told himself. Those feelings are gone, that confusing time is over.

Half an hour later he met Darren downstairs and they headed off. It was nice being around his older brother again and Craig felt himself relaxing. It seemed like his relationship with Zöe had changed Darren in a way, he was more mature and less sadistic, Craig thought, and looked at Darren while he turned his key. Darren cast him a glance over the shoulder before he opened the door.

"Got a surprise for you, Craigy," he said and stepped inside. Craig followed.

And there he was – the boy who had once stolen his heart. The eyes of John Paul McQueen met his. When Craig looked into those wonderful blue pools he realized that his heart still hadn't been returned.

"Craig… Don't –"

"I can't stop thinking about you."

"Craig… Craig -!"

"I want you!"

The whole flat turned quiet. Zöe was the first to speak. "Darren!" she shouted.

"What?" Darren asked when he heard her tone of voice. "Can't I bring guests, now?"

"Well, maybe you should've given someone a certain shout!" Jess said while trying to nod discreetly towards John Paul, who still hadn't broken his eye contact with Craig.

The girls kept arguing with Darren. Kris was obviously the only one with his head straight.

"Listen ladies, Darren – let's take this down on the pub."

"But Kris -!" Jess protested.

"Now, Jess!" he said grabbing her coat and handed it to her.

Darren was the last one to disappear. "I'll leave you two loverboys alone," he said teasing, before the door shut behind him. John Paul wished he hadn't said that. Darren's remark, made Craig look away, embarrassed. His eyes were flashing uncertain and he seemed much occupied by his feet when he finally spoke. "I… I didn't know that you had moved in with these guys."

"Oh, that's a long time ago." John Paul couldn't take his eyes of the boy standing in front of him. Craig hadn't really changed. He was a bit thinner, John Paul noticed. And there was something in his eyes – a look that made him look older than his 19 years. But right now, Craig looked exactly as he had done during the first weeks after they'd slept together for the first time, both scared and uncomfortable.

"So, eh… How've you been?"

"Fine," John Paul answered. "You?"

"Yeah, well… Dublin's ok. Wasn't all I had expected but you know, few things are."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'd never thought that I would actually miss mum and my sisters when I finally got out of that nuthouse."

"You do?"

"Yeah, can you believe that?"

They were laughing now, and some of the weirdness was gone. Suddenly they were talking like they did before everything got so complicated, before they slept together, before they kissed, before John Paul told Craig he was in love with him.

It felt good, John Paul thought. Of course he couldn't ignore the fact that Craig still had the same effect on him. His palms were almost dripping, his heart still beat slightly faster than normal and every time Craig's eyes met his, he could feel swans in his stomach. But having his best mate back again was the most positive thing that had happened to him in a long while.

"I love you, John Paul. It'll always be me and you."

Several hours had passed and they had finished a couple of beers John Paul had gotten from the refrigerator. None of the flat's other residents had returned. It was nice just sitting here, talking to his best mate, Craig thought. But they weren't just friends. They had a past together that was so much more. Craig had thought it had just been a phase, or at least he had tried to think so. But as he sat there watching John Paul talking about some teacher, he was also so terribly aware of his mate's presence. He could smell him – John Paul still used the same aftershave, he realized – and if he reached out across the table he could touch him. The blonde DJ hadn't changed much. His hair had the same length and the blue eyes were just as soft as Craig remembered. But there was one more thing: John Paul had been working out. Craig couldn't help but stare at those strong, muscular arms under the t-shirt. Those arms and hands had done some pretty wicked things to him once. He felt himself blushing.

"Hey mate, are you awake?"

Craig was snapped back to reality by John Paul's question. Their eyes met and though he knew he was supposed to answer he couldn't speak. John Paul was just so God damn sexy! I want you, Craig thought, but he couldn't get himself to actually say it. The silence was starting to get awkward when he finally managed to pull himself together.

"Um, I guess I'm just a little jetlagged," he mumbled, forcing his eyes to look anywhere but John Paul.

"Yeah, must've been a long day," John Paul said.

Craig nodded. Then he looked around the living room and kitchen one more time.

"I have to say, you really manage to keep this place tidy! I mean, my flat in Dublin looks like hell, clothes and books and CD's scattered all over the place. Do you have any tips, mate?"

John Paul laughed. "Move in with a couple of girls! I mean, I'm not so much better than you, I think."

He got up and gave Craig a sign to follow him. They went down the hall until they came to the door that had JP's name on it. "But I don't know, what do you think?" he asked as he opened the door and turned on the lights.

Craig stepped inside. It looked a lot like John Paul's old room, except that the walls were blue and they had fewer posters on them. He laughed. This was John Paul's definition of untidy? A couple of jeans and three CDs on the floor? He turned and looked at his mate. "JP, this is heaven compared to my place." He didn't just mean the tidiness. The room was just so warm and light and happy. And it was consumed by John Paul. And John Paul was heaven.

I need you, Craig thought.

But instead of telling him, he just wandered around the room, looking at pictures. "Is this Warren's sister?" he asked, and pointed at a picture of John Paul and a pretty, brown eyed girl.

John Paul left his place in the doorway and came over to him.

"Yeah, but she's nothing like him though," he answered. "She sort of became my best friend after…" The words died on his lips.

Craig looked at him. The night had been great, mostly because they had avoided talking about the pink elephant in the room. They hadn't talked about how things were left between them in September at all. It almost seemed like it was an unspoken understanding – let's not talk about it. This was the first time it had been brought up. They were standing close now, so close that they could feel the heat from each other's bodies. The relaxed tone was gone and all that was left was a sexual tension sparkling between them. Craig's eyes were fixed on those silky lips that he hadn't kissed for so long. His whole body was aching with a sudden lust. How could I believe that this was a phase? he thought. I love him. He's the only one I've ever loved. He was fighting an inner battle. One part of him wanted to take John Paul to bed and make love to him, feel his bare flesh against his own, hearing him moan and then fall asleep in his arms afterwards. But another part was terrified. Yes, he loved John Paul and he wanted more than anything to be with him, but at the same time he didn't trust himself. And if he hadn't already lost the boy standing in front of him he certainly would if he hurt him one more time. And Craig couldn't be sure that he wouldn't cause any more pain. The doubt and the fair of other people's opinions had always haunted him, one way or another. It was so easy to forget everything when he was lying in the strong and beautiful arms of John Paul McQueen, but life had at least taught him one thing: sooner or later, reality was always checking in.

"I want people to know, Craig!"

"Not a chance."

"Why?! We sleep together –"

"Keep your voice down!"

" – we're practically a couple, so why shouldn't people know?!"

"Because I don't want them to go around thinking that I'm –"

"Oh, right, I'm not gay, I'm just sleeping with a fella that is. It's pathetic! Just be honest Craig, if not with me, than with yourself!"

"I'm not gay."

"FINE! Then forget It! Forget about me, forget about everything!"

The fear was shining through Craig's eyes. John Paul didn't have a hard time figuring that out. It seemed like he once again was torn between his feelings. They hadn't talked about their earlier relationship at all that night, and still John Paul guessed that Craig had spent the last months in Dublin, denying the whole thing. But it was clear that their feelings hadn't faded, they were just as strong, if not stronger. It took all of John Paul's willpower not to take Craig in his arms. He wanted so badly to push him towards the bed and climb on top of him and kiss him and touch him and he knew that Craig wouldn't deny him all this if he just took the first step. But he couldn't. It would have to be Craig's decision. John Paul lost himself completely in those brown eyes when Craig finally looked up. They hadn't spoken a word for several minutes, yet it seemed like they had shared more in this short space of time than they had during the whole evening. I love you, John Paul thought. And I know you love me too; I can see it in your eyes.

His heart was jumping when Craig smiled. He smiled that special smile of his, the one that was always on his face when a naked John Paul lay in bed next to him, ready for his touch. John Paul remembered that smile so well; Craig looked like he had never seen anything more beautiful than him. And finally, finally, Craig raised his hand and touched John Paul's face like he always did right before they kissed. His face was coming closer…

"Hey loverboys, are you in here? Oh, sorry!" John Paul had never wanted to hit someone more than he wanted to hit Darren just then. He was standing in the door looking at the two of them with his eyebrows raised and a cunning smile on his lips. Craig had of course withdrawn his hand and was now dragging it through his own hair, staring at his own feet. The sudden interruption had made him crawl back into his shell.

The spell was broken and it would be hard to mend it. John Paul knew this.

"Um, I better go," Craig mumbled and left the room, bumping into his stepbrother on his way. Seconds after, they could hear the front door close.

John Paul looked at Darren, feeling the need to strangle him. "You're such an idiot," he stated and slammed the door in his face.