The Doctor ground his teeth and burrowed deeper beneath the console, making unneeded adjustments and adjusting them back. It didn't help in the least. It was like the TARDIS was built for these acoustics.

"Aaah...ahh...AAAHHH!"

Cursing viciously, the Doctor crawled out from under the console and stormed in the direction of the library. Unfortunately, that took him right past Rose's room, where her initial exclamations of "Jack!" had been replaced with rhythmic screams. Jack was making his fair share of noise as well, although his contributions were more of the grunt-and-groan sort. The Doctor grimaced as he passed; his only consolation was... Oh, wait. That's right. There was no consolation prize; Jack was in there, doing that to her. And here he was, hiding in the library.

Which, as it turned out, was no better than the console room. Rose's headboard was pounding a steady tattoo on the other side of one wall, and he could still hear, albeit less clearly, her cries. Trying to concentrate on a book (that, coincidentally, he was holding upside down), he scoffed. He could do so much better. The thought was followed by a mental slap, which in turn was followed by a torrent of reasons why said thought was shallow, cold-hearted, and wrong, not to mention ill-advised.

Oh, but he could make her sob. He could take her until all she could do was...

Another mental slap, another torrent of logic, a sudden realization that the book was not only upside down, but actually a blank journal, and the Doctor gave it up. Apparently, so did Rose, who screamed wordlessly from behind the wall. A few minutes later, there was a loud groan from Jack, and the headboard stopped pounding. The Doctor considered vomiting, then decided he was just being a poor sport. If only he could...

He threw the book across the room and went to find something to fix.

There was a dull thud from the library, and Rose giggled into her pillow. He'd probably thrown a book again. Jack smiled, still panting a little, and climbed into the bed.

"Don't giggle. You've just been shagged into a coma, remember?" he admonished Rose, and patted the place beside him. Rose, fully clothed and remarkably un-shagged, reluctantly moved from her listening post against the wall and lay beside Jack, cuddling with him automatically. He moved his arm, letting her put her head on his shoulder, and grinned.

"That was our best performance yet. Now come on, you promised to tell me: do you really scream like that, or are you just having me on? And don't you lie, Rose Tyler: I'll know."

Rose stuck out her tongue. "It depends."

"On?"

"How good he is, of course. Or how much I need to fake it."

"You, faking? Really?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes, it's so bad, you want it to end quickly, you know?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "I'm not even going to touch that statement, and believe me, I've touched a lot of things in my lifetime. How long are we going to keep this up?"

"He still hasn't said anything. I'm just waiting for him to lose it." Idly, Rose twisted Jack's braces between her fingers. "You think he won't crack?"

It was Jack's turn to shrug. "I don't know. I'd be ready to bash my head in, but he keeps up the cheerful act pretty well. I did catch him peeking at your bum the other day, though."

"Really? When?"

"Climbing into that ventilation shaft. And I'm not going to lie; I'd pay good money if he'd look at my bum with half of that smoldering lust. I'm telling you, he wants you."

"Yeah, maybe. He's the king of mixed signals."

"Well, with all the noise we were making, I'll bet we'll get some clearer signals soon."

Rose grinned up at him. "We're pretty good, aren't we?"

"Of course we are!" Jack exclaimed, sitting up abruptly and posing. "Oh, Rose. Rose!"

"The headboard was genius. I didn't think you could rock the bed that long," she giggled. Jack looked affronted.

"I can rock a good many things a lot longer than that, I'll have you know! Your screaming, though...that was fantastic. You had to've practiced."

"I didn't, Jack, I swear!" Rose laughed again. He climbed out of bed and offered a hand to her, which she took. "Is that long enough for us to have gotten dressed, you think?"

Jack thought for a moment, then slid his braces off his shoulders and unbuttoned his shirt.

"Mess up you hair," he instructed Rose, looking her over. "You're barefoot, that'll work. But the bra...that's going to have to go."

Rose expertly removed her bra without taking off her t-shirt, pulling it out of one sleeve like a magician. Jack applauded softly.

"Now," he said, giving his tactical side free reign, "I'm going to carry you to my room. He'll be in the kitchen for tea soon, and when he hears us, it'll be back to the console room, and I've moved my bed so the headboard will hit the wall. He might see us in transit, though, so what would you like to do?"

"Um...you can kiss my neck, and I'll just look randy. How's that?"

Jack nodded sharply and opened his arms. Rose jumped up, wrapped her legs around his waist, and looked down at him. "Ready?"

He grinned up at her, buried his head in the hollow of her throat, and opened the door.

The Doctor almost dropped his tea. Jack was carrying Rose to his bedroom, slobbering all over her neck along the way, and she had the indecency to be enjoying it? He backpedaled into the kitchen and set the tea down, trembling with something rather akin to mindless rage.

Because...because...because Jack just couldn't be that good! What did Jack have that he didn't? It was his TARDIS! His time-traveling expertise! His life-saving genius! And he was the one who'd picked Rose up in the first place! Why, then, did Jack get the marvelous, loud, hot, incessant, post-adventure "we didn't die!" shagging? It simply wasn't fair!

He stormed into the console room (again) where Jack's headboard was trying to knock its way through the wall (again) and the two of them were making the most unholy racket (also again). There was just no escape! The Doctor groaned and flopped into the jump seat.

The problem was, he couldn't bear the thought of leaving Rose. He could conceivably leave her back at the Powell Estates, back to her mother and tea and chips and safety, but he didn't want to. He could leave Jack on some cratered shell of a planet with no oxygen, too, but that would be unnecessarily cruel. He actually liked Jack, really he did; it was just the two of them together that made him want to smash something.

Maybe there was something in the attic he could use for target practice.

Jack slammed Rose against the wall, burying his fingers in her hair and forcing her mouth open wide. She moaned into his kiss and ran her hands over his chest, sliding off his braces and linking her hands behind his neck. There was a sound of shattered ceramic, and when they looked up, the Doctor had vanished into the kitchen. Jack pulled Rose into her bedroom and slammed the door, holding his finger against his lips for a moment before beginning to lightly kick the door. At his signal, Rose gave a high-pitched moan and he kicked the door a bit harder. They kept it up for several minutes, increasing the volume and fervor of their cries until Jack fell into the door with a theatrical groan.

"That was the third cup this week," Rose whispered. Jack nodded back.

"He hasn't even mentioned it! Sorry about the kiss, by the way, I saw him coming and couldn't resist. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Rose shook her head. "It was fine. Kind of smooth, actually. Practice much?"

"Well, not as much as I'd like, but I do what I can. Where is he taking us?"

"Knith, he said. Something about a part, I think? He's running out of things to fix."

"I know. Maybe I can conveniently get lost..."

"He'll just think you've been arrested. Honestly, Jack, I don't know if it's working. I don't want to hurt his feelings too much."

Jack mussed her hair and smiled with approval. "In those jeans, honey, you'll be hurting everybody's feelings. Now, wear the pink shirt. No, the one we got at that bazaar a couple of weeks ago. He likes that one."

"How do you know?" she asked, finding the shirt and trading it for the one she had on. Jack watched unrepentantly.

"I saw him ogling. How else do you think he managed to get knocked on the head by those...whatever-they-weres? His attention was elsewhere, and I think I know exactly where."

The fitted scoopneck tee definitely showed off Rose's...assets. She turned, looking at the mirror.

"I'll need to change earrings."

"Here," Jack said, handing her a pair of diamond studs. "Nothing big, it might get in the way later."

"Jack!" Rose said, accepting the earrings. "Where did you get these?"

"Same bazaar. Thought they might be handy."

She put them on and hugged Jack, who took her hand and led her to the console room. It was time to trap a Doctor.

The three of them met up at the TARDIS a scant three hours later. As it turned out, the planet didn't have the part, wasn't in danger, and had no qualm with their existence. All in all, it was a fairly boring trip. Jack's one adventure was to fall haphazardly into a bog.

"I'm going to shower," he said ruefully, coated in turquoise mud. He squelched away to the nearest bathroom. Rose sighed and flopped down into the jumpseat.

"Where to next?"

The Doctor didn't answer her, staring instead in Jack's direction.

"Doctor? Something wrong?"

"What? Oh, nothing. Where do you fancy?"

Rose shrugged and traced the neckline of her shirt. "I dunno."

"Not going to join Jack? Need a shower, I mean?"

Rose felt a slow, wicked smile spread across her face. "Now why would I do that?"

The Doctor shrugged nonchalantly. "The two of you have just seemed awfully friendly lately. I just thought... You know... You might... Want to conserve water?"

Rose laughed, managing to make the sound soft and husky. "Jack...well..."

The Doctor was nearly choking. Rose was teasing him! He carefully schooled his voice, making his words even.

"Is he any good?"

Bulls eye. Rose stammered for a moment, forgetting to be seductive.

"Do you...fancy him?" she managed. He looked at her with hooded lids.

"He's a nice bloke, that's all. And I've always liked a man in braces. Did you know, braces were invented..."

He stopped abruptly. Rose was staring at her fingers, crestfallen, and by the looks of it, she was teetering on the verge of tears.

"Rose?" he asked softly, suddenly feeling guilty. "Rose, are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah," she said, shaking her head and getting up. "S nothing. Didn't know you looked at Jack that way, that's all."

The Doctor clenched his fists in indecision, but as Rose turned to leave, he reached for her.

"Rose, I didn't mean it. I was just trying to get back at you for all the shagging, and..."

He snapped his mouth shut. Now why had he gone and said that? And why was she grinning at him like the cat who'd drunk the cream? And why was her face tilting like that, and...

And dear sweet nebulas and vortices, why was he kissing her back?

She pulled away enough to whisper, "What shagging? We've been having you on."

He really meant to pull away indignantly, but it was difficult to be anything more than mush with her teeth nibbling his ear like that. Oh, and she was whispering again, her breath tickling and hot and absolutely lovely.

"I was trying to make you jealous."

It worked, he thought, but he wasn't about to admit that to her. Remembering a scenario that had cost him his favorite mug, he pinned her to column and let her feel how jealous he really was. By the subsequent moan, he gathered she understood.

"Rose Tyler," he growled, "you should never, ever, bait a Time Lord."

She twisted out of his grasp and ran to the entrance, pausing for a moment.

"Oh, really?"

He caught her in seconds, determined to teach her a lesson she wouldn't forget soon. And to prove, if only to himself, that one Captain Jack Harkness was no competition for the last of the Time Lords.

Jack cocked his head, looking up from his book.

"Hmm," he remarked to no one in particular. "She really does scream like that."