a/n: Yes, yes, I know I should be making chapter ten of Seatmates right now but I just couldn't help it! Just found some of my old stuff and including them was this! I revised it a bit though. So, here it is!!! Enjoy.
In Love, I Lost
By: SociallyDriven
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In love, there are only three kinds of people in this world:
The one you love the most, the one who loves you the most, and yourself.
Unfortunately, the first and second is almost never the same person …
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There are days when I look at the mirror and I feel like I'm so ugly. And there are days where I feel like everything's normal. But no day has ever come that I felt so beautiful when I see my face reflected.
I have come to accept the truth that I am just a simple girl with simple looks, simple hobbies, (less than) simple interests … simple everything.
Everyday I look at him, and everyday I feel my insecurity swell just a bit more. Because … he's beautiful. And he only hangs out with beautiful people like himself. It's like an unwritten rule. Oh how I envy the girl he's always with. She's a goddess. Someone who I can never be.
Such a pretty face, long black hair, a dazzling smile, and from what I've heard from most of the male population, a perfect body to boost. She's everything I'm not. And she's got everything I don't have.
Including him.
Sometimes, I'd wish that I could be like her, even for just one day. Just to know what it feels like to be looked up with awe and admiration, to know what it feels like to wrap my arm around his, to see him smile at me, to just be near his presence. But I know that'll never happen, because that's how everything works. I'm me, she's her, and we all just have to live with it.
But looking at the topic at both sides, I really don't want to permanently be her because even though I may not be the prettiest among them all, I assure you, I am the smartest. And I love that about myself: my thirst for knowledge. I love reading books for endless of hours. I love how I learn new things about the world bit by bit. And I'll never give that up. Somehow, it makes up for everything bad about me. It makes me feel safe knowing that I'm really good at what I do.
It's quite logical really.
Everyone has something they're good at, and everyone has good and bad things about them. Let's take Pansy Parkinson for example. I've already stated out all of her physical splendor, but, most frankly put, she's down right an idiot. I don't mean to be rude by saying that, but it's really true! She's the stereotypical teenage cheerleader beauty queen: all beauty and no brains.
Hehe.
O how I love logic at times like these. It makes all the envious things a bit more bearable.
But there are certain instances in my life where … I despise logic so much. It's like a brick wall, hindering me to dwell into fantasies even for just the briefest of moments. It hinders me to think the impossible, hinders me to think that maybe one day, he'll think of me as beautiful as Pansy Parkinson … that maybe one day, he'll like me back.
I know logic is just protecting me from getting a heartache. But I think it's a little too late for that now …
Well, even though my heart cannot be saved from being crushed by the reality that Draco Malfoy can never be mine, I'm quite satisfied with my life. It's just a silly little crush after all … a silly little crush …
At least I get to spend time alone with him … well … not really. Every spare time I've got and every night at the library, since the start of April, I have been coming to the library to get a head start on the final exams. And to my luck, he decided to start studying too. Well I guess it's the logical thing to do since he has the second highest grade in our batch.
Anyways, there I always were, sitting amongst thick books with varying leather covers, all of them almost worn because of me flipping their pages incessantly, trying to read and reread their contents. And him? He'd be a lone figure in the back part of the library, with more volumes of books covering him as he scratches away with his quill, making notes and rechecking them all before he leaves.
Now here is the part where I'm constantly reminded that he's not perfect – he doesn't use a bookmark.
No … he just folds the upper corner of the page from where he stopped, closes the book and returns it to its respective shelf.
Now I have the deepest respect for books. That's probably the reason why I've been branded as the bookworm. Books should be respected and cared for. They should not be sat on, written on, served as a shield from extra-terrestrial things (e.g. paper airplanes) and most definitely, books should not be treated as some tissue or scratch paper that you could just fold whenever and wherever you want. They're books! Books. For Merlin's sake, is there any ounce of decorum left in you?
…
Well … I can't say THAT to him. He'd think of me as a bigger geek than he already thinks I am. Sigh …
At least I have those times of solitude where there's just the two of us in the library, laboring our way towards high grades in our N.E.W.T.'s. Sure, we don't talk or make eye contact, but at least we're aware of each other's presence.
And that was all I'm asking for. Just a little thing that only the two of us can share. Something that I could embed in my deepest memories.
My special moment.
Now let's fast forward. The exams are finally over and my efforts have paid off: I graduated with the highest mark in Hogwarts history. Next to Albus Dumbledore of course. And Draco … he got second honors.
For the lower years, today is a day of blissful release because tomorrow will be the start of the summer holidays. For us seventh years, it is a day of accomplishment mixed with a little sadness because we have finally completed our education but in the process, we'll be leaving the castle walls that have been our homes for almost half of our lives.
But it's an especially sad day for me. Because I am being sent out into the adult world without even given the chance to let my juvenile hope be eradicated completely out of my system. Because as I sit there in the Gryffindor table, Ron at my side and Harry and Ginny facing me, all around me happy faces, chatting lively, reminiscing with bliss, imagining of the future wildly, I stay still. My eyes are locked on his face.
I would never get to see him this way again.
I have told myself that harboring a crush on him would never do me good. Just a whole lot of self-pitying and a lot more headaches. But my mind would not listen to logic. It had let hope intoxicate it. And look where it got me: nowhere.
I must have been staring at him for a very long time now, since all of a sudden, he lifted his eyes only to be locked with mine.
I felt my skin crawl … in an oddly good way.
Then, I felt a hand take mine. I looked and there was Ron, smiling gently at me. He lifted my hand and pressed it softly on his lips. I smiled at him a little.
Ron is the kindest person I have ever met. Yes, he can be annoying sometimes but he has been such a great source of comfort for me. I love him. I truly do. But not as much as he loves me. And that's why I always feel a little guilty whenever he's with me and all I could think of is Draco. I don't know what's wrong with me. At first it was just a schoolgirl crush but now … I just don't know.
Ron entangled his long fingers around my small ones; I looked down at my unfinished dinner and then looked up once again at the Slytherin table. He wasn't looking at me anymore. Instead, he had his arm wrapped around Pansy, laughing along with his friends as she leans her head on his shoulder.
My eyes reflected hurt.
See, this is what logic was trying to prevent. Hurt. But I'm such an idiot not to listen. And now I'm paying the price.
I felt his hand squeeze mine. I looked at Ron and smiled once again.
Ron … he … he'll be my protector. He'll love me, and I'll learn to love him back. Someday.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. And then my nose. And then he kissed me gently on the lips.
I'll learn to love him … I will.
And I'll forget all about Draco Malfoy.
I'll forget all about him … hopefully.
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In love, there are only three kinds of people in this world:
The one you love the most, the one who loves you the most, and yourself.
Unfortunately, the first and second is almost never the same person.
And so, people try to compromise and move on,
Knowing deep inside themselves that they could have been happier.
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Please review. I'd be forever grateful.