I should warn you that I haven't used any quotation marks in this piece.
"In the Dark"
It's mighty dark in here.
I can see that, Sirius.
I betcha you can't, Prongs.
Fine. I know that, Sirius.
No need to get snippy.
Sirius?
Yes?
Shut up.
If you two are quite finished -
You'd have to ask Prongs about that one.
If you two are quite finished, someone just use your wand and make it light so that we can get out of here.
Why don't you do it yourself, Moony?
Er . . .
What is it, Remus?
I, er, left my wand in the hospital wing.
Why did you do that?
I was practising for our next Charms lesson when you came in and 'sprung me from the joint'. I left my wand with my books.
You're not supposed to use magic in the hospital wing, Remus.
He's also not supposed to have left, Wormtail. At least not until Pomfrey gave him permission.
Is anyone else finding Sirius insufferable today?
No more so than usual.
Sod off, Prongs. You too, Moony.
You know, Padfoot, it's usually more believable if you say it with a straight face. When you're grinning like that, it's hard to believe you mean it.
How can you tell he's grinning, James? It's dark in here.
Really? Is it, Wormtail? I never noticed that.
You don't have to be so sarcastic, Sirius.
Sarcastic is his middle name. Think about whom you're talking about, here. I know Sirius. Of course he's grinning.
You know, James, I think you're right. He is being more annoying than usual.
What? Is this Pick-on-Sirius-Day or something?
I like the sound of that. Much better than Pick-on-Peter-Day.
Every day is Pick-on-Peter-Day!
Yeah, I've noticed.
Don't sound so glum, chum. If it weren't for you, I don't know what we would do. Why, we would have to set up a whole schedule! Of course, we could always just alternate between Pick-on-James-Days and Pick-on-Remus-Days, but that would get boring after awhile. We'd have to intersperse them with Pick-on-Lily-Days and Pick-on-Anna-Days and Pick-on-Mercedes-Days. Of course, there should probably be more Pick-on-Mercedes-Days, even though that would probably make her hate me more. Of course, I'm not sure if she could hate me more. And I'm forgetting about Snape. We can't forget about Snape. Everyday should be Pick-on-Snape-Day. But then, what about the others? I suppose we could make six out of seven days Pick-on-Snape-Day, but then the others wouldn't get a fair chance to be picked on. Maybe we could make it mornings where we pick on Snape and alternate afternoons with everyone else. But Pick-on-Snape-morning just doesn't have the same ring to it.
I don't think he's going to shut up.
It doesn't seem like it, does it, James? Perhaps if you used your wand and got us out of here he would be distracted.
Yeah. About that . . . my wand isn't here, either. Lily has it.
Why would Lily - forget it. I don't want to know.
I do.
That's because you're a pervert, Sirius.
Wormtail, Wormtail, Wormtail. You're forgetting your proper place in this group. What did I just finish talking about?
I don't know. I stopped listening to you.
Now there's an idea. Why didn't we think of that, James?
Obviously Peter's a lot smarter than us.
I'm hurt.
No, but you will be if you don't shut up.
That's not very nice, James. Now I'm really upset. Threatening me with bodily violence! And I thought we were friends. That's not very friendly-like, now is it?
Do you ever shut up, Sirius?
Only when I sleep.
Sometimes not even then.
Thanks, Moony. What is this, Pick-on-Sirius-Day?
We already had this conversation. Let's not have it again. I swear, Padfoot, you're a bloody narcissist. You're in love with the sound of your own voice.
Actually, Narcissus was in love with his reflection, not his voice.
Sirius is in love with his reflection, too. He just can't see it in the dark. Hey, here's an idea, Padfoot. Why don't you use your wand and bring some light in here so you can see your reflection!
Sorry, Prongs. No can do.
Dare I ask why not?
Ask away.
Why not?
You don't have to sound so dull. Put some life into the question! And don't you roll your eyes at me, James Potter!
How can you tell, Sirius? It's pitch black in here.
Simple, Wormtail. I know James.
Fine. Hey, Sirius! Why don't you take out your wand and get us out of this stupid room?
That's better. I can't because I don't have my wand here.
Not you, too. Where's your wand?
That's a funny story, actually. It all started last night in the Astronomy Tower with Tawny Bahri.
As in Tawny Bahri from Ravenclaw? The school slut?
That's the only Tawny Bahri I know. And she prefers the term 'girl of loose morals', Peter. Anyway, Tawny and I were . . . talking up in the Astronomy Tower.
Come off it, Sirius. Do you really expect us to believe that?
Are you calling me a liar, James?
I'm calling you a liar, Sirius.
Are you saying that you don't believe Tawny and I were in the Astronomy Tower last night?
I thought that was obvious.
Well, we were.
You were not. I happen to know as a fact that you and Tawny Bahri were not in the Astronomy Tower last night.
So that's why I couldn't find Lily last night.
Why exactly were you looking for my girlfriend?
Didn't you know? Lily and I have been carrying on a secret affair all year. Last night we were supposed to meet for a secret rendezvous but I had to cancel because of my date with Tawny Bahri.
Yes, the one in the Astronomy Tower. I believe you tried to tell us that already.
So maybe I exagerrated a little. The truth is, she couldn't get her hands off me long enough for us to get up to the Astronomy Tower.
Bull.
Is not.
Is too.
Not.
Too.
No -
Enough! It's bad enough to be trapped down here in a pitch black room without a hint of light, but I will not stand by and listen to you two squabble like you were a couple of two year olds. You are in seventh year. Act like it. It doesn't matter how, but Sirius does not have his wand on him. Any objections? Good.
It's too quiet in here.
Scared, Peter? We'd talk, but Remus won't let us.
I didn't say you couldn't talk, I just asked you to act your age.
You know Sirius is mentally incapable of doing that.
James, what did I say about arguing?
I'm sorry, sir. I won't do it again. I promise.
James is making fun of you, Remus.
I am not! Sirius tattled on me!
Why do I even try? I swear, it just makes it worse. They're incorrigible.
You should know that by now.
I guess it's up to you, then, Peter. Please don't tell me you've left your wand somewhere, too.
Of course not. I wouldn't do something like that.
Great. Then let's get out of here.
There's just one problem. You remember when the lights first went out and Sirius bumped into me?
I still maintain that wasn't me.
Padfoot, you were the only one around Peter at the time. You said 'oww' after tripping over him. Who else could it have been?
I don't remember that. Are you sure that's what happened, Prongs?
Positive, Padfoot.
Sirius knocked my wand out of my hand.
Please tell me you're joking.
I wish.
You dropped your wand, Wormtail? How irresponsible are you? Now we're stuck here, in utter darkness, with no way of getting out.
Excuse me, Sirius? Aren't you forgetting something? I'm the only one who even brought my wand with me. Everyone else forgot theirs.
Well we weren't expecting to be trapped in a dark room with our wands being our only chance at getting away.
Expect the unexpected. McGonagall is always saying that, isn't she?
Actually, I don't think she does.
Sure she does.
No, Peter. I've never heard her say that.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Then who says that?
How should we know?
That doesn't really matter right now. To recapitulate, we, four wizards, are stuck in a dark room with no wands and thus no means to escape.
That just about sums it up, Remmie.
Don't call me Remmie, Siri.
Fine. You don't have to be so touchy about it.
I'm not tou - never mind. It doesn't matter right now. Why don't one of you change into your Animagus form and see if you can do anything helpful as an animal.
Already tried it. Didn't make a difference. There isn't enough light for a rat to see, at least.
You already tried it?
Yeah, of course.
When?
When the lights first went out. I'm not an idiot, you know. As soon as I realized I had lost my wand, I transformed to see if I could see better as a rat. When I couldn't, I transformed back.
Animals, even the ones with the best eyesight, still need some light to see. There's no light in here.
Professor Remus strikes again.
He is being rather annoying today.
I told you so, Remus.
No one likes a know-it-all, Prongs.
No one likes a guy who sticks his nose into other people's business, Padfoot. And why are you calling me the know-it-all? Remus was the one who came up with the useless fact.
And you're the one who said I told you so. It all evens out in the end.
You're just mad because I called you annoying.
Probably.
If I asked you two to stop it, would you just find a way to twist my words around against me again?
Are Slytherins evil?
Right. It was a stupid question. I'm going to try my luck anyway, though. Stop it, James and Sirius.
Ooo. Remus is getting all strict and professor-like. I'm scared.
Watch what you're saying. I can take points from you, you know.
No you can't.
Yes I can. In fact, it's my duty as a prefect to take points away from you if you are misbehaving.
But you won't, Remmie, because you lurve me so much.
Not when you call me Remmie, I don't.
Don't worry, Padfoot. If Remus takes points away from you, I'll just give them back again.
I believe that would be misusing your powers as Head Boy.
I believe you would be correct, Remus. But has that ever stopped me?
Exactly how did you get to be Head Boy again, James?
I bribed the judges, remember?
I still maintain that letter was meant for me and was delivered to you by mistake.
Whatever you say, Padfoot.
How are we going to get out of here?
How should we know? Why don't you try yelling?
HELP! WE'RE TRAPPED IN A DARK ROOM AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!
Oww! My poor eardrums. I didn't really mean that, Wormtail. We're in a deserted wing and there's no one around. No one can hear us if we scream.
Then how are we going to get out? We're going to starve to death!
Stop being so melodramatic -
That's Sirius' job.
- we won't starve to death. If worse comes to worst, we can always eat the rats to stay alive.
That's sick!
What? So maybe they aren't the best tasting animal around, but it's better than starving, you have to admit.
I do not. They are not.
Geez, Wormtail, you don't have to sound so indignant.
Do you think about what you're saying, Padfoot, or do the words just come out of your mouth, bypassing your brain completely?
They bypass my brain completely. I thought you knew that already.
Yeah, I did, but still . . .
Still what?
You suggested eating rats.
Yes, I think we all know that, Prongs.
To Peter!
Again with the stating the obvious.
Who can turn into a rat.
Ohhhh. That's what this is about.
Yes, that's what this is about. Eating rats, even suggesting to eat rats, is sick.
What do you know, Prongs, you're a herbivore. I'm sure Remmie agrees with me.
I'm staying out of this. And for the last time, don't call me Remmie!
Someone's cranky today.
Being stuck in a dark room with you would do it to even the most patient person . . . though come to think of it, that's Remus, isn't it? Look what you've done, Padfoot. You've made the most patient person lose their temper.
You're just jealous.
Yep. That's it. You've figured me out, Padfoot. I'm just jealous of you.
I knew it.
You're deluded, that's what you are.
What? Are you upset, Remmie?
Argh!
That's not an answer.
What is with you today, Sirius? I thought the whole reason we agreed to our nicknames back in fifth was to keep you coming up with new, more annoying ones, every day.
You just don't want me to call you J-
You're right; I don't. So shut up, why don't you.
But where would the fun be in that, J-
I have one word for you, Sirius: Crawley. And I have pictures.
You promised!
I promised I wouldn't tell anyone unless there was a good reason. Blackmail is a good reason.
What's this about?
Just something that happened over the summer hols, something Prongs isn't going to tell unless he wants everyone to find out about that incident that happened a week later.
Truce then?
Truce.
That's not fair. Aren't you going to tell us -
No.
No.
- what that was all about?
I'm going to venture a guess and say that they don't want us to know, Pete.
Marvelous deduction, there, Moony. I knew there was a reason you were at the top of your classes.
I'm behind both you and James.
Details. Hey, I know a way to pass the time.
I have the feeling I'm going to regret asking this, but how, Padfoot?
We can try to think of a name for ourselves!
No.
No.
No.
Well you don't have to answer so quickly. Take some time and think about it. You never know, it might be fun.
Padfoot, my dear friend, you've been trying to convince us to name our little group for seven years now. What makes you think we'd change our mind now?
Because you're trapped in a pitch black room with me and you have no means to escape.
You have to admit, James, that's a very good reason.
I have to admit nothing, Pete.
We're going to have to listen to this whether we'd like to or not, aren't we.
I knew you weren't just a pretty face, Moony. Let's see, now. How 'bout Captain Sirius and his Three Privateers?
How long have you been waiting to ask us about that one?
Too long, Prongs, too long. Well?
No way, Padfoot.
Fine. Then . . . the Hogwarts Gods.
Do you think if I bang my head against the wall enough, I might knock myself out?
Probably, Pete. I might try it, too.
It's probably the only way to get Sirius to shut up.
I doubt that, but at least we'd be unconscious and unable to hear him prattle on.
I'm hurt that you'd say that.
Hurt enough to stop and put us out of our misery?
Of course not. Now what do you think about Sirius Black, the handsomest, cleverest, winsomest, swoon-worthiest, boy and three other guys.
Sure, why not.
Really?
No.
Really mature, Prongs.
Sticking your tongue out at me was just as mature.
Okay, you can't have know that, James. You couldn't see Sirius.
Er, actually, he could have. I did.
I told you -
- You know Sirius. Yes, we know.
Mawhip?
Mawhip?
That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard.Well, you try making a good word out of the initials "M" "W" "P" and "P".
Pawhimp.
That's just as stupid as Mawhip - no, stupider.
Sure, Sirius, whatever you say.
I'm beginning to think you don't want us to have a name.
And here I thought you were just another pretty face, Sirius.
You think I'm pretty? Thanks, Moony!
Is it just me, or does Sirius tend to miss the point at times?
Only when it suits him.
Thanks, you two. You sure know how to make a guy feel loved.
Padfoot, I have an idea for a name.
What?
You do?
James, when I was talking about hitting my head against the wall, I was just kidding, you know.
Don't worry, Pete, I didn't hit my head.
Are you sure about that? You voluntarily decided to aid Sirius in his quest to name us.
Hey, if Prongs is getting into the mood, who are we to stop him? Go ahead, tell us your suggestion.
This is stupid. We don't need a stupid name. So let's stop this stupid game.
I like Captain Sirius and his Buccaneers better.
Oww!
Oh!
Uh!
Ahh!
I told you I heard voices, Lily.
You did. What are you four doing in here?
Lily? Is that you?
Yes, and Anna. I repeat, what are you doing in here? In the dark, no less.
That's a funny story, really. But, er, let's not get into it at the moment. I don't suppose you have my wand on you.
I do, actually. Why are you all squinting?
Because it's too bright out there!
I can close the door for you if you'd like.
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
"The End"
Sunday, August 26, 2001
Trinity Day
