Title: Control

Author: Alice J. Foster

E-mail: Not mine, never will be.

Rating: M

Spoilers: Everything up to S6 finale.

Feedback: Will be appreciated forever and ever… Criticism, compliments, lonely cry for help, anything.

Summary: My take on Spike's return in season 7.

Pairing: S/B

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I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

Control by Poe

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Control

By Alice J. Foster

"Don't tell me you wanna see Scooby-Doo again," Buffy protested as she passed a newly washed dish for Dawn to dry it.

"Come on, Buffy! It's like the coolest movie around. And we saw Men In Black II last week," Dawn begged. "Please!"

"But we've seen it three times, Dawnie."

"The movie theater is close to at least five cemeteries. We can watch it and then I can patrol with you afterwards," Dawn added, already reaching for more than she'd originally intended.

Buffy stopped the dishwashing and shut the water off. Turning to face Dawn, she tried her best to seem as relaxed and unworried as possible.

And then she felt like she was being watched by someone and she quickly turned around to look at the kitchen door, but she saw no one there. Shrugging it off and trying to concentrate on immediate problem at hand, she felt the new ego take place, the 'comprehensive-but-firm-Mommy'.

"Dawn, I can't take you on patrol, we've talked about it. I thought you were tired of seeing the bad things on the world... I wanna show you all the goodies, not the baddies. And patrol is baddies aaaaaaallll the way,"

"No, it's not, Buf!" Dawn protested rather loudly. The teenager looked away in protest and sadness at being told off once again, but she faced Buffy again in no time. "I love what you do, Buffy. You're my sister, and you're also the Slayer. You've saved the entire world six or seven times and you save a little bit of it every night when you patrol. It's such a big part of you - I just want to be there to see it,"

Buffy sighed as she felt her determination wither. When had her sister gained more sense than anyone presently residing at the Summer's house? "Ok," the Slayer gave in.

"Yay!" Dawn shrieked.

"But under the condition that you'll do as I tell. No buts, no please and no emotional blackmail are going to work if I find it to be too risky."

Dawn bit back her cheek and nodded before hugging her older sister.

"I'm gonna go upstairs and change," she said excitedly.

"Don't wear anything good or expensive. I won't have money to replace it if it gets ripped off in two by a demon or something." Buffy warned her.

Shaking her head at her sister's cheerfulness, Buffy returned to the almost finished duty of washing the dishes.

She felt a familiar tingle on the back of her neck and looked at the kitchen's door again, trying to see if there was anyone where watching her.. Shutting off the water one more time, she grunted and gave up on the dishes. Willow could do them when she came back from Xander's.

Walking to the door, Buffy looked outside, but the moon was hidden behind clouds and it was pitch dark on her backyard after the one lamp next to the porch had burnt out and Buffy kept forgetting to replace it.

Hearing Dawn's excited feet clamping above, Buffy smiled and forgot about the weird yet familiar sensation she couldn't quite place.

Things were okay. She didn't want to think about what was missing, she only wanted to remember the good moments she and Dawn had experience the past few months and the feeling of overwhelming responsibility being outweighed by the pride and love she felt for Dawn. Maybe things weren't perfect, but that was probably the closest things had gotten to it in the past months.

The several times replaced door to the Summer's house opened as an almost distant Buffy entered, followed by high-on-caffeine-like Dawn.

"Told ya, nothing worth seeing." Buffy observed as she took left the deposited the keys on the small table on the foyer.

"Are you kidding?!? It was so cool! Like when you dusted that ugly vampire -- Gee, do you think he was that ugly before joining the pointy-teeth team? And who would have the bad taste to bite that?" Dawn asked, lost in her own thoughts.

Buffy gave a tired laugh. "Trust me, he's not the ugliest person to be turned. Nor even the worst smelling one."

"That was really cool, Buff. Thanks," Dawn said sincerely. "I'm gonna say goodnight to Willow and I'm gonna crash, 'kay?"

"Okay sweetie. Good dreams," Buffy said, standing on her tiptoes and kissing her sister's head.

Buffy in turn went around the house checking everything one more time, fluffing the sofa cushions, closing all curtains and willing the Big Bads away; well, it was worth trying, anyway.

The sensation of being watched would not leave her even during patrol time. She put her back against the front door after once again making sure it was locked when suddenly her legs gave out on her until she was sitting on the floor, head against the solid wood and arms hugging her knees.

This was always the worst time. When Dawn would go to bed and she was left by on her own to fight her demons; it was when the guilty feeling of missing one of them would win its way against her infinite capacity for denial.

It was probably the thunderstorm that woke her up, but it was the feeling of incompletion that made her get up.

She knocked lightly on Dawn's door, loud enough for her sister to reply if she was awake, but low enough for her sleep not to be disturbed if that wasn't the case.

There was no answer and Buffy opened the door to find her sister sleeping peacefully, one arm around an extra pillow and another around a stuffed cat.

Shutting the door quietly, Buffy was surprised when she tried lighting the hallway lamp and failed. She tried the bathroom switch and got the same lack of response.

She'd gotten so used to living in the dark that suddenly searching for some light and not finding it was somewhat disturbing.

Buffy could also hear a distant snore coming from Willow's room and she decided to go back to her room to try and get some more sleep.

Peeking through her shut blinders, she saw it was almost dawn. The thunderstorm would be gone in a few more minutes from what she could tell and hopefully the power would be back not much after that.

Sliding between her cotton sheets again, Buffy sighed against the pillow. She reached for Mr. Gordo who came more than willing into her arms and she pressed his head against her chin. At least the feeling of being watched was gone and with it the tingles and shivers.

She wondered if maybe that's what had woken her up.

Carrying a small shopping bag from the grocery store, Buffy walked down Revello Drive, thankful that the sun had set long before. Sure, at night she had to deal with the eventual stray vampire, but it still beat walking under the California sun in mid-August.

Reaching her driveway, Buffy felt relief wash over for an instant before feeling a shiver run down her spine. She looked around, but she couldn't see anyone. She turned towards the stairs again and dug into her jeans pockets to find her keys. She unlocked the door and put her hand on the doorknob before freezing. She took a deep breath as she finally recognized the feeling that had been chasing her for a while now.

The groceries fell to the floor forgotten as she turned and walked down the stairs and towards the familiar tree.

Nothing.

Nothing but several recent cigarette butts.

Buffy put the groceries away as she heard Willow and Dawn laughing from the living room.

The cigarette butts could have been there for months. True, the white part of the cigarette was still white, but--

Maybe she should stop thinking about it. The truth is that it could be any smoker blood sucking demon with a fixation on the Slayer. There could be thousands out there. Yeah, and she was a normal girl just living her life in oblivion.

"--anytime now?" A voice was asking her and Buffy turned to find her sister being the source of the voice.

"Sorry, just got the last part of that. What, anytime now?" Buffy asked, still confused.

"I asked if we're having dinner anytime now, but you seemed to be miles away." Dawn pointed out shrugging. "So, what's it going to be?"

"I was thinking maybe pizza. I'm ready to bed myself... just call them and you and Willow can eat it. I'll shower and go to bed."

"At 9 o'clock?" Dawn asked surprised. "Don't you have to patrol?"

"No," Buffy replied quickly. Too quickly. "No, I'm too tired. Besides, I ran a quick patrol before I went to the grocery store."

Dawn shrugged again. "Well, 'kay then. I guess. I'll call the pizza place,"

"There's some money on the foyer box. I'm off," Buffy said, already on her way to the stairs.

The younger of the sisters simply watched the retreating back of the Slayer.

Buffy couldn't sleep. That in itself wasn't unusual, but what was awful was that she was desperately trying. Sleeping meant she wouldn't have to think and all she wanted was the sweet haven her dreams would bring.

Well, unless they were prophetic dreams, which would make everything worse.

After considering for a while, she crossed out any sleep. She could hear Willow and Dawn saying their goodnights and the doors closing down the hall.

Then, Buffy did something she hadn't done in years. She slipped out through her window.

Even the cemetery was kind of quiet. Or maybe she was too lost in her own thoughts - actually, trying to clear her head of any thoughts-, and she wasn't too focused on patrolling. True, with the exception of a couple demons, one hellgod and the soulless version of her ex-boyfriend, she was rarely concentrated on patrols.

What was she going to do if he was actually back in town?

Considering everything, it was probably that same lack of concentration rather than fate that caused her to bump into the very skinned demon.

"Clem!" She exclaimed once she recognized the demon.

"Slayer!" The demon replied excitedly before changing his mood quickly. "Tell me you came here to play poker?" He asked hopeful.

"No, sorry. I was just-- you know… Just patrolling,"

She noticed Clem seemed relieved by her reply. It lasted about five seconds because she soon added.

"Have you seen anyone, you know, familiar around?"

"Fa-Familiar?" Clem stuttered.

"As in highly obnoxious with stalking tendencies and a bleached hair?"

"Uh, bleached hair? Uh, eh, I mean, why would I see.." Clem started, but trailed off, deciding that lying in real life was much harder than doing so in poker.

"He's back, isn't he?" Buffy asked, unsure of what to feel.

The demon nodded.

"How is he?" She asked in an emotionless tone.

"I don't know. He isn't talking much."

"Is he back to-- you know, uh, his old ways?" This time, a little emotion got through against her wishes.

"I told you, I don't know. But I guess it would be hard with the soul and everything," The demon said before realizing he'd said too much. "Uh, you didn't know about that last part, did you? Maybe I should get going,"

Before she could react, the demon had disappeared from Buffy's point of view.

A soul? Her mind could not wrap around that concept. That was bordering on a fifth-category B-movie plot. Well, maybe not a movie…

Buffy shrugged the disconcerting thoughts away. Soul? Spike? She even had to separate them into different sentences.

A souled Sp… Nah, she couldn't say it. Actually, she couldn't think it. It didn't make sense.

She pinched some skin she saw peeking out from her short sleeved shirt.

Still awake.

Damn it. What was wrong with the world?

Deciding on not making an endless mental list, she decided to concentrate on matters at hand.

She had to find him.

He wasn't in the crypt, nor at Willy's. Sunnydale wasn't a big town when it came to… well, everything, but the exceptions had always been vampire and other lowlives hangouts and hidings.

Buffy entered the Bronze and quickly looked for a familiar head among the crowd.

It was useless. She couldn't feel tingles, shivers, anything. All she felt was boredom and exhaustion. It was almost sunrise, he was probably either back at the crypt or somewhere else she didn't want to think about.

Not that it made a difference or anything.

Matter of fact, she couldn't care less.

Fine, she wouldn't because she refused to.

She exited the Bronze and walked around town, stopping twice more at Willy's. It was the place Spike would stop to order blood, which meant he'd have to do it at some point unless he'd…

Unless he was feeding the old way again.

She walked into a deserted alley, glad not to find any stray victim lying around. Perhaps the local airheads had learnt math and decided and dark and deserted places at nights equaled big bad.

The shiver that ran down her back was so quick she barely had time to register it before the bleached vampire came into sight.

She was voiceless for a second as she saw him supporting himself against the wall as he finished his cigarette.

"Looking for someone, Slayer?" He asked not letting any emotions show.

"No one important," She replied once she found her voice, which was full of venom from Spike's point of view.

"I see you haven't lost your touch, luv." He pointed out, sounding almost proud.

"I see you're back. I was expecting you'd have tried tanning or something like it," she answered, desperately not wanting to deal with him.

"Did ya now, pet," He asked with a smirk. "Well, you were never a good liar. Except maybe when you are lying to yourself,"

He was looking at her as if he could see all of her just by doing so. As if he could see her mind, her soul, everything. It was both flattering and disturbing when he did that, but on current circumstances, she decided to focus only on disturbing for the time being. "What do you mean by that?"

"Still playing stupid, Slayer? You know, I never understood that. You can be so smart, yet most of the time you decide on not showing it. Maybe it's just the American way of doing things," He said, throwing his cigarette on the pavement.

"Did you come back just to insult my culture or are you planning on doing something more productive?"

"Don't know. You were looking for me just to ask bloody stupid questions or are you going to ask the right questions anytime soon?"

Both were silent for several minutes, Buffy staring at the pavement as Spike took turns between staring at her and into empty space in front of him.

"Are you…" she started to ask but decided against it. "Did you get the chip out?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"For God's sake, Spike, why can't you give me an answer? Why can't you give me a straight answer on this?"

"Because you don't want to know if I got the bleeding chip out, woman. You want to know if I've gone back to my old ways, luv… If I'm reliving my glorious past, doing the old vampire feeding ritual, drinking from the source, isn't that what you want to know, Slayer?"

"Isn't it the same thing?"

"Not necessarily. Only if I want it to be,"

"I've heard some wrong rumors about you. Maybe you should watch out for your reputation." She tried to small talk as she tried to dig in deeper on what had happened. At least she was almost certain that Clem's idea that he'd found himself a soul was wrong. He didn't seem any different, just plain, old, annoying.

"My reputation was ruined the day I met you, Slayer," he spoke softly, not as softly as he would've said it months before, but it was still softer than the tone he'd been using.

"They didn't say you had a soul before, did they?"

"Why do you think I haven't gotten myself one? Just because I'm not walking around in tears like the bloody Poofter?" he asked defiantly.

"Well, it's one of the reasons." Buffy offered.

"What caught up with old Angel-boy was his conscience, luv. His soul just made him remember he had one. Mine was pretty much dormant, as most vampires' are, but I never forgot I had it."

"Yeah, because we all know how much weight your conscience had when you were killing and maiming back in the days, right?" She asked sarcastically, not buying whatever she thought he was selling.

"I'm just saying I never forgot I had one, Buf. I'm not saying I listened to it. Dru's words felt like a plausible opposition to it. Add to that the thrill and the hunger… Well, let's not reminisce." He raised an eyebrow suggestively. "We both know how much you prefer to ignore the past, right, luv?"

"Don't call me that," she said changing into defensive mode, which always came before offensive. "Anyways, I don't think a soul would help you any,"

"Make me more pathetic, wunn' it?"

"Is that possible?" She asked but her tone was light.

"Guess not," he replied with a chuckle. "But the rumors weren't wrong, luv." He said walking away from her.

She stood for a second trying to decide if he was being honest or not. Not coming to a conclusion and instead deciding she shouldn't let him get away before she got more answers, she was by his side in one second and stopped him, pushing him roughly against a wall.

"What are you saying?" she asked fiercely.

"It seems you're the one who went back to old days, pet." He pointed out, motioning to her hand crunching up his shirt, almost tearing the fabric. "That's not fair, is it? I guess it's just your plain, all-time way - beat up Spike when the world gets complicated and I'm confused -, is it?"

"Shut up!" She nearly screamed at him, but she did let go of his almost dislocated shoulder. "Just shut up, okay? Just--argh… Just explain everything."

"'d love to, but I guess I'm not yet ready to turn to dust. Sun's coming up and the soddin' soul did not come equipped with the complete kit, I'm afraid."

Buffy quickly went over her options. She could A) Let him go - too risky; B) Don't let him go and see him turn to dust - highly entertaining but still wouldn't give her the answers she wanted; or C) Go with him somewhere - her obviously best option.

The Bronze would close in a matter of minutes, so that was out. Her house was too personal and there was the Dawn and Willow factor plus disturbing memories. His crypt was even more personal and had even more disturbing memories, plus she didn't know if Clem would be there or not.

She fished around in her pocket and found her key chain. A familiar but highly unused key shined as her last hope and she sighed. "Fine, let's go to the Magic Box." It would give them at least three hours and it was a somewhat neutral ground.

They walked in an uncomfortable silence and Buffy went around the store until they reached the backdoor, which led straight into the training room.

Buffy walked to the wood horse and sat on it. "Okay, talk." She demanded.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything. Everything. I knew nothing about where you were, how you were and now you're back and claiming to have a soul."

"I thought you didn't care about where I was or how I was."

"I didn't. I don't." She said, exasperated. "Are you going to talk or not? Soul, remember?"

"I talked around, heard some rumors around this place, found out there was someone who might help me with my little problem."

"Your chip?" She asked, her voice only slightly tinted with bitterness.

"My not having control, pet. Yes, the bloody chip was part of it."

"So you took it out?" She asked worriedly.

"Don't know." He shrugged.

"What you mean, you don't know?" she was working her way to furious which was wearing out Spike's patience as well.

"I mean I don't know, bloody hell. Haven't tested it ever since!" He admitted with his angered voice.

Buffy let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding, which only aggravated Spike even more. "I thought that would be the first thing you'd like to know."

"Sad to know I didn't lower myself to your expectations. Maybe I should find myself some local townie and grab a taste tonight, shouldn't I? I'd taste test you, but that wouldn't be a valid experiment, now, would it?"

"Try it and I'd have to stake you." She threatened.

"And you'd love every bloody minute of it." He retorted.

"Gee, can't we do anything without jumping at each other's throats? Can't we have one fucking conversation without fighting?" Buffy asked, mostly rhetorically.

"We couldn't shag without fighting, luv. I don't think we can change that." Spike commented briefly.

Buffy looked away as she felt herself blush slightly. He wasn't supposed to hold any power over her. Not anymore. She was past it. Actually she had never been in it. "You haven't told the story yet." She pointed out meekly.

"That's the bloody story. I went, I saw, I conquered a soddin' soul. It's not perfect, but it doesn't make much difference. I particularly hadn't missed one, but it gave me what I wanted, even if a little twistedly."

Buffy frowned in thought. "And what is that you wanted?"

"Now I understand why you're not in college, pet. Don't pay much attention, do ya? I said I wanted control."

"And how has a soul given you that?" She asked skeptically.

"Can't understand it myself. Bloody puzzle it is, but it gave me control, something I've lost when I came to this fuckin' hell."

"I thought you weren't going to reminisce," She pointed out. He wasn't making much sense, but almost nothing in her life ever did.

"I'm telling the tale, luv. Thought that was what you wanted. This soddin' piece of garbage in my brain didn't leave me a whole lot of options, did it?"

"Guess not. You still haven't explained how your soul did, though,"

"You can't understand, luv. From the moment you're turned, your entire existence turns to the hunger, the blood lust, the fulfilling sensations that your next feeding will bring - bloody intense if you ask me."

Buffy's mask was back on and it looked very bored even if she was paying close attention to his very single words.

"Not being able to feed, being dependent on frozen old blood was bad enough as it was, but the idea that it wasn't a choice, it was the soddin' chip's fault…Too humiliating, I guess. When I got myself this soul it was bloody overwhelming. Until I realized it meant control, luv. I had it back. I realized I was tired of playing the role of the poor abandoned neutered vampire. That look never quite agreed with me. Better to focus on dignity and self-respect. Got to work with what I have."

"So why did you come back?" Buffy asked puzzled, not sure of what to make of the new information he'd just shared.

"What do you mean?" He replied, also puzzled now.

"Why did you return to Sunnydale? You could've gone anywhere." Despite of her words, he could see they were fueled by pure curiosity and not desire to see him away.

"It never crossed my mind to leave SunnyHell, luv. I've gotten myself a nice cozy lair here, high availability to some stray blood and alcohol, poker partners, several lowlife baddies I can kick if I'm in need of some fun and my nice lil' telly. Why would a bloke leave that? Plus one-hundred years of nomadic life were enough to me. I don't have to make any more history… check your Watcher's Diaries, I already made history."

Buffy gave him a disgusted look that was born more of routine than actual disgust. She was actually more disturbed by the honesty in his words. If he was being honest, that meant that he hadn't come back because of-- she didn't want to think about it, easier not to.

"Some Big Bad got your tongue, luv?" He asked, as the ever-present suggestive eyebrow suddenly rose to attention.

"Just processing the information," she mumbled.

They were in silence for one minute until Spike noticed that the room had been reformed. "You guys changed the place? Gang got tired of the old looks?"

Buffy's eyes shot figurative laser beams at him. "Willow went bad. Turned to the Dark Side, shit hit the proverbial fan."

"Can't say I didn't see it comin'. Since we're all still here, I guess you avoided the big apocalypse, again, huh?"

Buffy looked away. "No, actually Xander did. Him and Giles, I mean."

"And all is well again with Red? Her and Wicca girl?" Spike asked with irony. Nothing bad the gang seemed to do would go in the record, everything forgotten by some already expected collective forgiveness. Spike realized Buffy hadn't answered his question and looked at her. He was startled to see tears in her face and against his own decisions he felt his mask drop a little and his face be flooded with concern. "What is it, luv?"

"Tara died. She died and Willow went bad. She died because of me and because she was at my house when Warren came firing a gun randomly. One of the bullets hit me and the other hit Tara. I made it, she didn't," Buffy said as the tears spilled.

Spike had to do all but physically hurt himself to keep from walking to the crying Slayer and putting his arms around her. The truth was that her words had shaken him. Half the time he didn't care much about the gang and Dawn, Joyce and Tara had always been the exception, even when he'd want to blow the Buffy up and back down into Hell.

"I'm sorry, pet. I didn't know." He said with sincerity. "Witch-girl was one of the few humans I'd like to have spared from the badness of this ugly world. She definitely deserved it."

"And instead she decided to join us in the good fight," Buffy said with hurtful sarcasm. "…and got killed for it."

"Tara knew what she was doing, pet. She knew what was at stake. Still she took the risk because she loved y'all."

Buffy just stood silent as she waited for the tears to stop. When they did, she swatted them away with the back of her hand and took a deep breath. "It was bad. Fighting Willow and everything. I think it was the worst thing I've ever done, knowing we'd might have to kill her. I don't know if I'd have the gut," Buffy blurted out, not knowing why she admitting that to Spike of all people.

Perhaps it was the knowledge he'd cared for Tara. He deserved to know. Or it was simply the fact he was there and the she was under the influence of whatever it was she'd been when she'd just returned from Heaven, when she'd been confiding in him as if he was some old friend.

Knowing how that'd turned out, Buffy preferred to think she was just too emotional and therefore should not be thinking.

"You'd do whatever you had to do, luv. Not what everyone expected you to do or even what it took to save the world. You'd somehow know what was right. Gathering that we're here now, I think that's what you did. Although leaving the world in Xander-boy's hand was not a tactic I'd have depended upon."

"Well, you weren't here, were you?" She asked with deep bitterness, not sure of what it meant.

"Thought you wanted me as far away as possible, luv."

"I did. I do." Buffy lied. "Since when do you care about what I want, anyways?"

"Oh, I see. It's not you care for my leaving, it's just knowing another being had left after shagging you, is it?"

Buffy grunted in disgust. "Why, you lowlife, son of a bitch! You're the control freak here! You're the one who left, I didn't!"

"And you're the one who keeps lying to yourself! Don't you ever get tired of putting up this lame act, Buffy? I don't care if you hate me, love me or can't care less for me as long as you decide which one it is!"

"Fine, I hate you! Are you happy? I hate you because you left and you were supposed to be the one who'd stay!" She blurted out.

"So you could step on me for the rest of your bloody life?"

"I don't know!" She replied sincerely if loudly. Closing her eyes she shook her head trying to get it into place. "All I know is that everything was getting so much harder and I didn't even have time to understand what was happening and you'd left. I needed you and you weren't there."

"What happened? You got a bloody itch you couldn't scratch again and came running to old Spikey?" He asked hurtful.

"Can't you get over yourself for one minute? The sex was mind-blowing, fine, but what I needed was for you to take care of Dawn! I needed you to watch over her while crazy-evil-Willow was trying to hurt the entire world, not caring if it was Dawn or me!"

"Did she get hurt?" Spike asked softly.

"Nothing that hasn't healed, but the question is not that. The question is you left! You went away at the end of the world when I needed you and I hate you for it!"

"It's not my bloody fault you can't seem to make up your soddin' mind, Slayer. I'm leaving!"

Spike said as he entered the main area of the store and followed the way into the basement and into the sewers he knew like the back of his hand.

Buffy in turn was left alone with her conflicting feelings and emotions. Once again.

"Gee, you look terrible! Where were you?" Willow asked as she saw Buffy entering the kitchen through the backdoor.

Buffy muttered some lie and passed Willow by and then Dawn at the stairs, muttering probably the same lie, which didn't matter since she couldn't remember it afterwards.

The blonde simply entered her room and locked the door behind her, taking off just her pants and falling into her bed, aching for some blissful sleep.

Buffy had had to make-up for Dawn for sleeping the day off and missing their planned afternoon at the mall. She'd also called work and made up some excuse for missing the day.

Dawn followed her quietly as they patrolled. She'd realized Buffy was feeling bad about forgetting their plan and had taken advantage by begging to go on patrol again.

The younger girl had even gotten a stake. True, it took a ten-minute lecture from Buffy just so she could carry it, but she was glad she now had one.

"What's wrong, Buff?" She asked finally.

"Nothing," Buffy replied in an artificial cheerfulness.

Dawn sighed exasperated. She though they'd been past that.

"Spike is back, isn't he?"

"What?" Buffy asked in shock.

"I mean, I haven't seen him or anything, but that's like, the only reason you'd be all moody and stuff. He is, isn't he?" Dawn asked again.

Buffy didn't answer nor did she look at her sister.

"Is he-- is he bad again?" Dawn was suddenly afraid, more for Spike than for herself or her sister.

Buffy shook her head. "I don't think he is, Dawnie. I don't know for sure, though."

"You saw him?" Dawn asked and her sister nodded. "Did you talk to him?"

"It's complicated, Dawn. It's like he's twice more puzzling. We talked mostly in circles and we fought most of the time."

Dawn snorted. "That's what you do best, isn't it?" She asked with a little bit of bitterness.

Second best. Buffy was glad it was dark and her sister could not see the uninvited blush that crept up. Maybe a really close tie with the first.

"Did you talk about-- you know, what happened between you two right before he left?" She asked uncertain, remembering the raping incident.

Buffy had to consider her question for a moment before she realized what her sister meant. That was when her anger towards Xander rose to a dramatic level as it always did whenever she remembered what he'd told Dawn. "No, we didn't." Buffy replied as she realized with shock that her sister was more aware of what'd happened than she was.

How could she forget it so easily?

Denial?

Anger, maybe?

"Do you hate him, Buffy?" Dawn asked.

"I don't know." She replied. "A little." She decided.

"Less than you think you should?"

Buffy nodded, lips tight. "When did you get so smart?" She asked and Dawn shrugged. "It doesn't matter now. He might be back, but the past isn't. I'm completely over it."

Dawn turned away and rolled her eyes. "Then let's finish patrol. I'm hungry."

Buffy led the way almost tripping in her denial.

Buffy groaned as she felt the pain in her ribs. Flat on the floor, getting up would mean unbearable pain. Not getting up would probably mean death, but that was quicker.

The only vampire left from the gang she'd slayed was laughing out loud at the thought that he was about to kill the Slayer.

Buffy was just thinking that getting out for a second patrol after she'd left Dawn home had probably not been smartest thing.

The vampire was high with adrenaline or whatever the vampire equivalent was and moved for the kill. Bagging a Slayer…. All the vampires would accept him now.

He didn't move more than one step before turning to dust.

Spike watched five steps behind, crossbow in hand as he put out a cigarette.

Shaking his head, he walked to Buffy and offered a hand, not sure of how he'd react if she didn't take it.

He let out a stale breath when she put her hand against it before realizing she was moving too much.

Grunting, Buffy left her hand fall back on the floor next to her body. Maybe she should just lie there until the pain went away, which in her experience would last a couple hours, maybe even one hour if she was lucky.

"Trying to make the day of a bloke, were ya?" Spike asked with sarcasm. "Downright generous, if you ask me, but if you wanna die you know all you have to do is ask."

Buffy shut the pain away just so she could get up and walk away from him.

"You're welcome too, Slayer." Spike shouted at her retreating back, throwing the crossbow to the side, not wanting to see the damn things in front of him again.

Hearing his voice Buffy stopped for a second, feeling the rage buzzing within her. Spinning in her heel, she walked back to him and delivered a right hand punch to his face. "Next time, don't help."

"And lose the fun of having my nose broken?" Spike asked from the ground where he was cradling his injured, though not broken, nose.

"If that was enough to break your nose, then you've gotten weaker," Buffy replied.

"Afraid not, luv." Spike said getting up from the floor.

"What, your new soul won't let you fight back?" She teased.

"What is it with you bleeding humans and your lil' concept of souls?" He grunted in question.

Buffy was taken aback by that and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"We, vampires, can come fully equipped with the entire package, emotions, conscience, physical reactions and although we have an unbeating heart and therefore a technically dead body a soddin' soul will make a great difference?"

Buffy didn't know what to say.

"Just because it made such a difference for your love boy it doesn't mean it's that much of a deal. It just puts everything in perspective, makes me realize things more quickly and more clearly. All lil' humans have soddin' souls and I don't see nearly enough crying around because of their mishaps. Or perhaps you're acting like this because you never got over the idea that a soulless Angel couldn't love you and I could."

"You don't know what love is, Spike." She bit out.

"Oh, change that song, will ya? I've heard it too many times. And who the Hell are you to talk to me about love?"

Buffy had no answer so they were in silence for a moment, each breathing heavily.

"It wasn't your fault, you know that, don't you?" Spike asked, voice back to normal.

"What wasn't my fault?" Buffy asked clueless.

"That Angelus didn't love you. I don't think he ever loved anyone but himself."

Buffy ignored the soft tone of voice he was using. "It was better that way. Better to be hurt by someone who doesn't love you than someone who does." She told him accusingly.

"Not everything is about you, luv."

"Is that why you keep circling my house at night?"

"No." He answered simply.

"Dawn knows you're back," she blurted out.

"How is she?" He asked unsure of what to expect.

"She was mad at you. Xander told her what happened before you left…" Buffy offered and Spike nodded. "But she'll get over it. She already started to."

"Guess the whole gang will know by tomorrow, huh?"

Buffy shrugged. Truthfully, she couldn't care less. "They'll deal. Even Xander."

"Have you?"

"The judges are still out on that one, I'm afraid."

"Aren't they always?" Spike asked rhetorically.

They stood in an uncomfortable silence that, of late, seemed to always wrap around them when they were not fighting.

"I guess I should go home," Buffy offered after some time.

Spike grunted something in answer as he fished for a cigarette but couldn't find it.

"Do you regret any of it, Spike?" Buffy asked, her body fully ready to walk away but not doing so.

" 'fraid you have to be more specific, luv."

"What happened before you left?"

"If you're referring to what happened with Anya, no. If you're referring to the… well, what happened between you and me in your house, a little."

"A little?" Buffy asked in horror, even if she wasn't sure why she was disturbed by his answer.

Spike shrugged it off.

"I had some idea that it might have led you out of here, but I never knew if that'd been a good thing or not. Guess I'll never know."

"Yes, it contributed, luv. Just not in the way you might think. It wasn't regret or anything that made me decide on going away. It was the thought that my losing control had resulted in that. I can't truly hurt you, I always knew that."

"Physically…" Buffy muttered under her breath.

"I can't hurt you unless you let me," he corrected himself, replying to her observation at the same time.

"You're saying I let you hurt me or something? Like I wanted it?" Buffy asked, voice raised and anger flaring.

"No. I'm saying that if I hurt you that bad is because you felt something for me. Something other than hatred and loathing, luv."

"It hurt more when you left," Buffy said as she turned around and left, not ready to face the consequences of their discussion.

Buffy got up from her unblissful, short sleep and found her way to the kitchen, where the pleasant smell of waffles was coming from.

The Slayer found a good-moody Willow making yummy-looking waffles and for a second all was well with the world.

"Good to see you didn't run a replay of yesterday and super-overslept in." Willow said with a grin before her features changes in one of pity and worry. "Dawn told me Spike is back."

Buffy stared into the plate of waffles as she nodded, trying not to let any emotions show.

"Are you okay, Buff?" Willow asked, more worry than pity now showing.

"I guess. It's no biggie," Buffy lied.

"No biggie? What do you mean no biggie? Does this mean he is not Big Bad again?" Willow sounded so hopeful that Buffy cringed.

She suddenly felt bad for Spike. Everyone's first question was if he'd turned evil again; she was beginning to understand part of his bitterness. "Yeah, he's still on the good side - that's a stretch, probably -, but let's say he simply hasn't gone back to the bad side, 'kay?"

"Works for me… Waffles?" Willow offered with a big grin.

"Definitely. They smell and look delicious, Will. Thanks."

"You're very welcome. Now eat, fighty-girl."

Buffy laughed, something she hadn't done since Spike had returned.

She mockingly sighed and attacked the poor waffles.

Buffy Summers was pissed off. Big time. She hadn't slept in almost three days and it was all his fault.

She kicked the door to a familiar crypt open and looking in she was glad to see her trip hadn't been pointless.

"Looking for someone, Slayer?" The cocky vampire asked from his seat in front of the TV set.

"Why did you have to come back?"

Spike frowned in puzzlement. "Luv, you know you don't make any sense most of the time?"

"My life was doing so well, why did you have to come back?"

Spike roamed for a suitable answer and finding none, remained quiet.

"And now I have to worry about you stalking me and I'm spending too much damn time trying to forget you came back!"

"Still not making sense, luv. 'specially if you consider that you're in my neck of the woods and I'm not the one doing the aforementioned stalking."

"It's daylight! You can't stalk me in daylight!"

"Can and have done," Spike said, glad to have the last word before realizing he'd probably said too much.

Buffy grunted in rage and felt the nails of her fingers pierce the skin of her hand, not enough to draw blood but enough to keep her concentration.

"Anyways, hate to repeat myself, but you're the one who's here."

Buffy fished for an answer and settled with "I just came here to tell you that coming back was a bad idea,"

"Bad for you, right?" Spike questioned.

"Bad for everyone!" Buffy replied angrily.

"Slayer, not making sense again, pet." Spike pointed out.

"Dawn and I were getting along, Willow gets better every day, Xander looks like things are going right for once, my bills are all paid and now you come back."

Spike considered her words. "Wait a sec… How does my coming back interfere with your bill-playing, luv?"

"I don't know, but it does, okay? I'm tired of you being in my life, having me spend precious time hating you."

"And you came here just to tell me that?"

"Uh.." Buffy considered. "Yeah."

"Message delivered. Just for the record, I object to your wasting of time… Maybe you should spend less of it with lying to yourself."

"Record? Object? Why are you talking like that?"

"TV. Too many re-runs of The Practice, luv."

"Nice show. Too busy fighting off Big Bads to actually watch it, though." She small-talked, barely able to remember who she was due to sleep deprivation. She sat down on the stone bed in the middle of the crypt. Sure, it wasn't a bed, she knew it, but after 70 hours without sleep, it sure seemed like one.

Spike simply watched her until she started to snore. Why did she still hold so much control over him? Cursing under his breath, the vampire left the sleeping Slayer by herself as he descended the stairs into the lower level of his crypt.

Buffy woke up with a stiff neck but still warm. Moving some more, she realized other parts of her body were sore as Hell. She should have checked if the stony coffin was covered in a comfy comforter like it had been the times she'd… uh, slept there… previously.

Wait, she had slept in Spike's crypt? Glancing quickly at her watch she realized it was night already. She sat up abruptly looking for the familiar vampire, which caused the blanket that was covering her body to fall on the floor.

Blanket? She didn't remember that.

Ignoring the woolen object, she jumped off the coffin and went into the lower level of the crypt, shocked to find it in the dark and pretty much unoccupied. Even the bed was different. Also, it was pretty much vampireless.

Spike out in the night. She had to make sure that was a safe thing before she could let him be. True, she hadn't heard of any unusual occurrences and from what she gathered, no one had been a victim to the Fang Gang in the past week, which was a record, but she'd rather find him and confirm it.

In less than one second she was back at the crypt door. She truly knew the way out faster than she knew the way in, but that was because on the way out her mind was on auto-pilot.

She pulled the door open with as much force as she could and stepped out back into the real world.

Actually, she stumbled. Stumbled on the very annoying vampire who was sitting by the stairs that lead into the crypt taking a drag on his cigarette.

"Uh, hi, luv," He said exhaling a long trail of thick smoke.

"Now I know why my mom got so mad when I left toys around on the floor," Buffy commented as she got up, body intact though ego slightly bruised.

"Running away already?" Spike asked, voice free of emotions except maybe for some sarcastic surprise.

"As much as I remember, I'm not the only one who's an expert on running away,"

"No, but you get the prize on the pushing blokes away grand prize."

That was enough to shut her up for a whole five seconds. "What are you doing out here?" She changed subject.

"Couldn't sleep. You were apparently experiencing the opposite problem. Plus you bloody snore… Couldn't even hear the telly."

"I do no--" Buffy started to say but stopped herself. "Well, I sorta blacked out. Sleep deprivation will do that to you,"

Spike snorted but didn't comment any further.

Before she could realize, Buffy sat down next to him, keeping at least two feet between them, but still not running away. "Thanks for the blanket. Though I coulda used some pillows too," She said, caressing her neck and rolling her head to try to calm the screaming sore muscles there.

Spike looked away from her bare neck, unprotected by the spaghetti-straps tank-top she was wearing. "Yeah, the crypt is not exactly JC Penney right now. What I had either got burned when this crazed gal blew half of it up and the rest was sorta taken by a friendly demon with klepto tendencies."

Buffy smiled the apologetically smile she used on her mother for years, which meant she wasn't truly sorry, but she was willing enough to put up an act, giving her extra points.

Spike just seemed unaffected by it. "Whoa, cor. It's probably been five minutes since you woke up and you haven't left yet. Must be a record. Are you gonna do it anytime soon and go with the script or you wanna try and have a conversation where neither of us run at the end of it?"

"Why do I have to choose?" Buffy groaned in question. "I'm not very good at multiple choice quizzes."

"Well, that doesn't surprise me whatsoever." Spike offered. "Wanna share anything else about the Niblet?" He asked, hoping to migrate into safer ground.

Buffy sighed but smiled at the end of it. "She's been doing great. She even did some summer courses to make-up for her mishaps during the school year. She got a job twice a week at the Magic Shop. Hell, she even tricked me into letting her patrol with me."

Spike just stared at her for a moment. His gaze was intense and Buffy started to have bad thoughts and feel uncomfortable. She looked away and blushed, suddenly feeling like running away. "Sorry, ducks." Spike said as he realized her discomfort. " You were just doing the Good Mum act so well… I like it on you," He said with heartfelt admiration.

"You'd be proud of her, Spike. I am."

"What about Watcher-Boy?"

"Giles? I don't know." Buffy frowned. "He's back and he's here, but it's like he isn't. He regrets leaving, I know, but I don't think he is happy here."

Spike didn't know what to say, so he just remained quiet.

"He's not 100 yet, from facing Evil-Willow, so it could be it. But I doubt it."

"Thought your life was going dandy before I came back," Spike commented, but his voice wasn't bitter.

Buffy looked away from him. "It was. It is. Part of it. There's the Dawn part. There's the recovering Willow part. There's the sometimes-back-to-the-old-days Xander. Even the helpful little demons in my life, Anya and Clem, are a plus."

"Glad to see you moved on, pet," Spike said, but this time his voice was teasing, provocative, even daring.

"Puh-lease. Totally," Buffy said, mask secured back in place.

She huffed and rolled her eyes to stress her point, which caused Spike to grin.

" 's that why you came to my crypt today?"

"I blame that on sleep deprivation," Buffy said, feeling trapped.

"The same way you treated us all those months as a little slip of the mind, pet?" Spike asked, trying to hide his pain behind both anger and amusement.

"I believe the word you're looking for is temporary insanity, Spike." Buffy threw back.

"Maybe more like permanent, luv." Spike said, extending one hand to touch her arm, seeing the entire skin tremble beneath his touch. He was simply trying to get his point across, win the argument, but he found himself affected by the small touch as well. "Blame it on insanity, for all I care, pet."

The hand that was not directly connected to the arm being caressed moved in light-speed to stop him. Her smaller hands crunched his larger ones in a tight grip, but all he did was smile.

Her eyes met his and she felt dizzy, the entire world going out of focus and only the unmentionable vampire staying still. Spike, seeing the change in her eyes stopped smiling and tried to will himself to back away, suddenly regretting the touch he'd initiated.

Before he could draw another unnecessary breath, her lips were on his.

Like all kisses initiated by her, it was pure instinct, complete passion without any transparent love.

Spike's mind was telling him to stop, to remember his resolutions, but then she'd moved her body on top of his and all he could do was groan in her mouth.

His hand moved to the spaghetti-strap and he pushed it down her arm some good inches, his hand moving to caress the silk soft skin as all the memories of them came rushing back to both, unburying themselves from where they'd been left to be forgotten.

Buffy broke the kiss long enough to whisper against his lips, "Make me feel, Spike,"

She didn't know, but it were the words that made his will be restored. With preternatural forces, he pushed her away from him, making her fall on her back on the same spot she'd just fallen minutes before when she'd tripped on him.

Spike stood up as his emotions battled within him and he cursed under his breath as he went into the crypt and slammed the door, leaving a puzzled and hurt Slayer on the outside.

Buffy rushed into the house, glad not to see anyone downstairs to inquire about her state of mind. As she started to move up the stairs, the tears started to roll down her face and she swatted them away as if being harsh enough on them would make the crying stop.

As she moved into her bedroom, Willow was coming out of the bathroom and saw her before she could slam the door.

She fell on the floor, sobbing aloud, her mind already working on the denial of what had just happened. The knock on the door was uncertain and she wanted to tell Willow to just go away, but she couldn't make her voice leave her mouth. She started to sob more audibly, which caused to Willow to worry even more and simply open the door without waiting for permission.

"Oh, God, Buffy, what happened?" She asked as she pulled her friend into her arms. Buffy clung to the redhead as if her life depended on it as she continued to cry.

Willow rocked her back and forth, waiting for Buffy to calm down before she could ask anything.

It took several minutes and several clichéd words of comfort from Willow for Buffy to finally leave her crying to a more quiet level. Soon after that, the tears stopped and she was only left with the fight for breath and the stains in her face.

"Dawn!" She exclaimed in worry. The last thing she needed was for Dawn to see her in that state.

"Shhhh. She's sleeping over at Janice's. Don't worry." Willow explained and kissed her friend's forehead in reassurance.

Buffy sat up and gave a fake laughter. "Er, sorry about that, Will. You should probably go to bed," she said, noticing her friend was wearing pajamas already.

"Yeah, right. That's really gonna happen now. Talk, Buff."

"No, it's okay. I don't wanna burden you anymore."

"Buffy, I'm tired of dealing with my own demons. Helping you with yours will be a distraction, I swear." Willow said. "Was it Spike? Did he try to hurt you?"

"What?" Buffy asked, sounding like Willow had asked her if she'd given birth to an amphibious. "It's just-- Why did he have to come back, Will?"

Willow frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I had myself mostly convinced it had all just been a figment of my imagination, and now he's back and it just comes tumbling down, like a badly constructed house of cards, you know? Like my life just stopped making sense again the moment he came within the city limit."

"I don't know, Buff. Maybe it was simply meant to be or something like that."

"Going for the easy explanation tonight?" Buffy asked meekly. "Anyways, everything just got even more complicated because he now has a soul and he says nothing is really different and it feels like everything is different and then it's all back to the same. Except I don't know which one is which anymore." Everything came out in a big rush.

Willow's face seriously looked like an interrogation point. "Since I didn't understand anything you just said, I'll just comment about the one part I did understand: Spike got a soul??? Isn't that good?"

Buffy shook her head vehemently. "No! It's bad. It's a bad thing."

"Lost me again,"

"He can't have a soul, Will. He must be an evil soulless fiend that I can hate. I need him to be that."

"Why do you want so much to hate him, Buff? I mean, the whole gang pretty much doesn't know whatever happened between you two except it all ended up pretty bad, so that's why I'm asking."

Buffy looked away, not meeting her friend's eyes. "It doesn't matter, Will. It's over."

"What happened tonight?" Willow asked, pointing to Buffy's dirty pants.

"A mistake. A big mistake. Except this time he was the one who stopped us from committing it."

"You two almost…" Willow trailed off as she started to move her hands in undecipherable patterns.

Buffy bit her lip and nodded.

"And Spike stopped you from…" She continued, repeating the hand gesture.

Buffy nodded again. Before she realized, new tears slipped down her face, stopping a few seconds after they started.

Willow pulled her friend's hands in hers. "Do you love him, Buffy?"

Buffy seemed almost shocked by the question. "I hate him." She said sincerely.

Willow glared at her as if she was being an insolent child.

"I don't know, Will. I don't know if I ever could, before, now or ever."

"Are you afraid of it?"

Buffy closed her eyes. "Terrified."

"Does he still love you?"

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. I thought so; before he left, it was like this constant in my life, something that annoyed me more than anything else. And then it was gone… Now I don't know. He doesn't act like it most of the time."

"You know what I think?" Willow asked, her tone much lighter.

"What? That I'm a big loser?"

"No, that I'm a math geek and this problem has too many variables. Maybe you should try to determine some of them before you try to solve it or hurt yourself even more trying."

"What? You giving up on me already?" Buffy asked with a weak smile, but she was afraid. If even Willow couldn't give her a clue, a small tip, she was suddenly more lost.

"I'm just gonna let you get some sleep and think about it. Who knows, maybe you'll have an epiphany and all your problems will be solved by sunrise." Willow said as she helped her friend into bed.

She pulled the covers under Buffy's arms and kissed the blonde girl's forehead. "Sleep well, Buff. If you need me, I'll be down the hall, okay?"

Buffy was suddenly relieved to be mothered for the first time in months, maybe years. She nodded as she let the soft cotton of the pillowcase rub against her cheek.

"I've lost someone I loved more than life, Buffy. And I can't help but think that every second I spent away from her was a second of wasted time." Willow added as she closed the doors.

Buffy just kept her eyes closed, already nodding off.

Her nightly patrol was being highly uneventful. Since that gave her too much free time to think about what she shouldn't, Buffy considered that a very bad thing. As if someone has heard her thoughts and decided to punish her, she heard a familiar growl coming several feet from where she was standing.

There, behind some trees, she saw the peroxide vampire fighting a vampire as if he was having the time of his life. "Bollocks, don't you die?" Spike asked the newly risen fledgling who had several marks around the heart where Spike had staked him, missing the heart every single time. He lunged again for the younger vampire who simply moved to the right half a step and left the older vampire hit a tree face-front.

Buffy held back some laughter as she heard a string of British cursing fall from Spike's lips.

"Ow, that bloody hurt, you ninny!" Spike complained as he once again lunged for the vampire, who was fast and apparently very lucky. That is, until the disoriented vampire looked down to see a stake come out of his chest after entering from his back. The creature had barely enough time to roll its eyes and it fell to the ground in a heap of dust.

Spike looked up to see a very amused Buffy, arms crossed and stake in one hand.

"And there she is again."

"You can thank me for saving your butt later," Buffy replied sarcastically.

"Saving me? I was having some bloody fun!" The last words of the sentence were a little rolled up together and Buffy sighed in realization.

"Apparently someone already had too much fun for the night… I thought that vampire was just very lucky, but I see someone wasn't in their best slaying capabilities." She replied, disgusted at the heavy smell of bourbon that was in the air.

"What ya talking about?" Spike asked as he tried to rise from where he'd fall sitting on the floor after hitting the tree. After failing three times, he just gave up and started to make friends with the local trees and bugs, determined to stay there for awhile.

"Come on, let's get you to your crypt," Buffy said, offering a hand which Spike strongly refused.

"No, I'll just stay here, but thanks ever so,"

"Right. It won't be a long stay since the sun will come up in fifteen minutes."

Spike sniffed the air a couple times and pouted. "Guess you're right. Well, that's a first."

"God, do you have to be this annoying even when you're drunk?" Buffy asked rhetorically, but the vampire apparently did not get that.

"Yes. You look cute when you're annoyed," He said and seemed to think it was the funniest thing in the world, because he started to laugh like a madman.

Buffy grunted. "No, I don't!" She replied fiercely.

"Yeah, you do. Even the little fuming is kinda cute, luv."

"Do you have to disagree with everything I say?"

Spike thought of the right was to answer that and realized there was none. "Uh, no?"

Buffy grunted again, which caused Spike to smile drunkenly, producing a very boyish grin. A boyish grin that affected Buffy more than she was willing to admit. "Stop talking and let's go to your crypt."

"No. I can't go there with you. You can't be there." Spike said with resolution.

"And why in heavens can't I go there?" Buffy asked rolling her eyes.

"Shh, secret." Spike whispered.

"You're not holding demon eggs again, are you, Spikey?" Buffy asked, eyes shooting laser beams.

"What, no… Buffy got her knickers in a twist when I did that." He replied, sounding as if she'd asked if he'd like to wear a tutu.

"Yeah, and we know you're an easy learner not to get on my calluses," Buffy replied sarcastically. "Now come on, very drunk vampire. Let's get you home."

Spike started to shake his head again and Buffy ignored him, pulling him up by his biceps and pulling him in the direction of his crypt, shoving the semi-conscious drunk inside just seconds before sunrise.

The vampire rolled for a few seconds before falling flat on his back. The vampire was snoring in less than a minute.

Buffy dragged the sleeping vampire down the stairs and into the lower part of the crypt, putting him on the bed, a feat quite amazing in her opinion, and it was suitable that no one was there to compliment her for it.

"No, you have to leave." He protested, half asleep.

"Oh, I will. But you'll thank me in the morni--er, evening, when you wake up."

His hand moved to push her away, landing on her stomach. His push had no strength whatsoever, so all he did was move his hand around, which was not contributing to both their states of mind. "You have to leave." He repeated, more weakly this time.

"Oh, do I?" Buffy asked, trying to stop his hand from roaming either above or below from where it was.

"Yeah. Or I might share my secret with you. And that wouldn't be good, ducks."

To that, Buffy's eyebrows shot upwards. "And what secret would that be?"

"Nice try, pet. As if I'd let you know that I still love you." He snorted, which turned into a deep breath of sleep.

Buffy felt herself begin to panic. She was out of the crypt in a beam.

Buffy was hitting the punching bag as if it were a 200lb demon. "Ah, stupid vampire!" she yelled at the poor bag, which flew from the hook that held it up and fell on the ground, splitting open and leaking sand.

"I think the bag is pretty much dead, Buff. You don't have to turn it to dust like you do with your other opponents." Xander said from where he'd been watching her.

"Oh, hi, Xan. Hadn't seen you there." She said as she stopped and drank some water form her bottle.

"Too busy hitting the poor bag into oblivion? I heard the news." He said, not happy.

"Yeah. Bad news go around pretty quick, huh?" She asked, suddenly unsure of what to say to Xander.

"The worst. Can we dust him?" He asked promptly.

Buffy sighed. "Xander, don't, okay?"

"What is it, Buff? He's been back for a couple days and you're all hot for him again? Did you forget he tried to rape you?"

Buffy was by his side in a flash, pulling him into the training room and closing the door completely. "Shhhh! Do you want the entire fucking world to know that?" She asked, pushing Xander into the closed door.

"Oh, I see. I guess we're all having a bad case of selective memory, here, is that it? Am I the only one who remember Spike as the soulless evil fiend that tried to kill us more times than not?"

"He has a soul, okay?" Buffy blurted out. "He has a soul, now."

"Oh, and now I suppose he's turned all good, is that it? Yeah, the perfect guy, Buff. Just wipe the past clean and you can live happily ever after. That is, until you fuck him and he probably loses it, after all, we all know that's possible. You kindly showed it to us when your other vampire boyfriend tried to kill us all."

"Xander, I love you so much. But if you don't shut up, I swear I'll beat you down." Buffy said in a strained voice. "You don't know anything about me or Spike or me and Angel."

"I know he tried to take advantage of you, Buffy." He said with determination.

"What you saw was something you shouldn't have. You don't know what I was going through, no one did. Except maybe for Spike. I could've taken him anytime, Xander. I always could. I just wasn't feeling myself that day; I don't think he was either."

"Don't try to justify his acts, Buffy. I won't forgive him."

"You don't have to - I did." Buffy said and Xander was about to object when he saw her look.

"Very well, then." He said as he opened the door and slipped out silently.

Buffy sighed. "Great. Just what I needed." She felt like punching some more. Maybe it was time to some more active targets.

Xander was avoiding her. And, judging from the inquiring looks Willow was giving her, everyone else had noticed as well. At least now they were on the dance floor and she was left alone with Dawn.

"So, how was patrol today?" Her sister asked with a smile.

"Boring." Buffy said rolling her eyes.

"What's up with you and Xander?" Dawn continued to ask, the smile disappearing and a small frown replacing it.

"Nothing you should worry about, Dawn." Buffy told her in a firm but loving tone.

"It's because of Spike, isn't it?" The teenager asked scoffing.

"Are you angry at him, Dawn?" Buffy asked, not answering her sister's question.

"Xander? Yes. Spike? A little."

Buffy's glare inquired further.

"He hurt you, Buffy. You don't admit it, but I could see it in your eyes. I'm angry at him for it, but about as much as I'm angry at you."

"Me? What did I do wrong?" Buffy asked, almost panicking.

Dawn snorted and shook her head. "I'm not even gonna go there, Buff. If you haven't figured out, I'm not helping you." The teenager looked at the dance floor where Willow was waving at them and beckoning them to the floor. "What I'm gonna do now is dance. Come with?" She offered, with a smile again.

"No, thanks. I'm a bit tired, I'll be going. Just promise you'll behave," She warned the teenager.

"Don't worry."

"And don't leave by yourself. Xander can drive you guys home."

"Yes, I know. Big Bads lurking about and all. You can relax, Buff. Plus, I know how to use a stake. But I won't, because I'll be in no danger at all when I leave with Xander and Willow," The girl quickly amended when she saw her sister's look.

"Good. See you at home," Buffy said as she kissed her sister's forehead and they went in opposite directions.

Lost in her thoughts, she bumped into a solid body. Looking up she saw a very familiar face.

"Spike?"

"Slayer?"

Looking around she realized no one was paying attention to them. "You don't understand the concept of secret identity very well, do you?"

"You're trying to keep it a secret? Since when?"

She didn't answer him, just rolled her eyes. "Bad hangover?" She teased.

"I don't have bloody hangovers. I can hold my own liquor, thank you very much."

Buffy snorted. "Riiiiight." She just shook her head and went on her way to the Bronze entrance.

She stopped on the alley when she heard footsteps following her.

"Thought you'd stopped with the stalking." She said to the night, not turning around.

"Full of yourself much? Just came out here for some cigs."

She heard his lighter flicker. "What is it with you?"

"Didn't quite follow you, luv."

She turned to face him. "You came back to mess my life again, yet you're not being the same anymore. You're just as annoying, but you're switching between hot and cold all the time, figuratively speaking, of course. I just don't get it."

"Guess you know what's like being with you, then."

"Is that what this is about? Teaching me a lesson or something?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Not everything is about you, pet."

"Fine, I know that. It's just that…" She trailed off, regretting having started that conversation at all.

"Or maybe you're just upset you're not the center of my bloody universe anymore, is that it?"

She gave a disgusted scoff.

"Upset you lost your grip on ol' Spikey? Can't have him follow you around now that his collar is a little loose?"

"Right. But you're the one with little plans, aren't you? Or you forgot you let your secret slip when you were too drunk to hold it back. I think ol' Spikey can't run away even with his collar loose because he's still in love with me, isn't that it?" Buffy bit back, trying to hurt him.

He just shook his head with a grin, mask perfectly in place. "If my love for you is a lil' secret, maybe it's because I've buried it so deep."

His words gave her a taste of her own venom and she felt tears begin to build in her throat. "Is that it? You came back to Sunnydale because this is the last thing you need to do to have this control you so much yearn for? You left and you came back just to stop loving me? At least you're original. The ones before usually simply left." She said, biting down her tears, not letting them reach her eyes.

He approached her in careful steps and when he spoke, his voice was firm and his jaw tight. "I thought I wasn't bloody good enough to be included in the 'others' list. I thought that's what you wanted, me out of your life, not loving you. I thought my love disgusted you."

"Well, you think too much, okay!" She blurted out, preparing herself to punch him.

Spike easily caught her closed fist in his hand before it reached him. With an easy tug, her body was against his and they were kissing.

His hand let her fist go, moving to the back of her neck to keep her close. Hers started to tug on his shirt, then moved underneath it and caressed his smooth back. Their kiss was passionate and neither was strong enough to fight it, both giving in completely.

She moaned in their kiss as one of his hands started to caress her hipbone above the hem of her skirt. Spike let go of her lips as his mouth moved to her neck and shoulders. He pushed them back until they were against a brick wall on the alley. One of her hands stopped roaming his back so her fingers could lace themselves in his hair, pulling his head closer to her.

He was kissing her harshly and she knew it would leave marks, like he always did. Cold hands had found their way under her skirt and were caressing her outer thigh in soft touches, contrasting the bruising kisses on the neck. The touch moved to her inner thighs and her breath got caught in her throat, as she held back her moans. He pushed his clothed erection against her center and bit her lips so hard she was afraid the skin would break. The contact was brief and he pulled back to let his hands find her center, his digits quickly pushing her underwear to the side and feeling her wetness.

His fingers moved so slowly she thought she'd go crazy. Avoiding her clit, he caressed the skin where her hip met her thigh and the moist skin around her center. Gasping in desperation for release, she tugged on his hair until he stopped nibbling her neck and looked at her, his eyes also lost in desire. Gazes locked, on single digit pressed on her clit, just enough to send her over the edge of the cliff. As she came, his eyes seemed to take her in completely, leaving nothing but pleasure.

As everything came back to her, so did the memories she had uselessly tried to forget, of all of their times together. But all of her pain, fear and regret also returned.

"Spike," she whispered breathlessly.

He averted his eyes, not meeting her gaze. He was sure he couldn't take her rejection again; he knew one more time would be a mistake because of it.

"There's no one back at home," She whispered in a raspy voice, heart in her throat.

It took a couple seconds for her words to register and then his gaze gave in and met hers. He bit his lip and nodded, his need for her completely transparent in his eyes.

Spike thought he was being tortured more than he'd ever been in his whole existence. He hadn't even looked at her on the way and he knew she'd done the same. Whatever minutes had taken them to reach the house had been too many for him, wondering if she'd change her mind once again, taking them back to before he'd left.

As soon as the front door closed, she launched for him, pressing him against the solid wood door. Her lips attacked his again as his nostrils registered her renewed arousal. His jacket was on the floor and he turned so he was pressing her against the window next to the door.

Buffy began to moan again, this time not worrying about her volume. Spike joined her in the vocalization when her hand started to seek his erection. He pulled her shirt but before he could pull it over her head she broke their kiss.

Gasping for breath and not able to concentrate very much on anything but the feel of his touch on the skin of her waist where his hands were connected to the hem of her shirt, she managed to whisper, "Upstairs. Dawn. Willow."

Three words. That was good, remarkable even.

Spike nodded and they tumbled their way up the stairs, almost falling into Willow's room as Buffy pressed Spike against the unlocked door and both felt pure relief when they finally reached Buffy's room.

The door was shut and locked in no time and then Buffy's shirt was flying, followed by her bra. With her skirt bunched up around her hip, Spike lifted her and she put her legs around his waist, leaving her breasts leveled with his mouth.

He looked up at her with hungry eyes as he took a taut nipple in his mouth. At first he held it between his teeth, teasing it lightly with his tongue. The sensation was driving Buffy insane, but it was his intense gaze that wouldn't allow her to breathe, afraid her chest wouldn't take it. Spike soon started to suck on the whole nipple and her breast seemed connected to her center as she felt it contract and release, making her realize how empty she felt.

She pulled her chest away from his mouth, putting her hands on his chest to push him away. Spike frowned in confusion, but still the hands supporting her let go their grip and her feet slowly touched the floor again. His confusion was short-lived as her hands started to work on unfastening his belt and fly. He kicked off his shoes and his pants after them before he started to work on her skirt, suddenly wondering where her shoes had been abandoned. He pulled the skirt down, kissing down her right leg as he did it.

She was still wearing her panties and for some reason he hadn't gotten ridden of his T-shirt. Buffy put her hands on the hem of the shirt, trying to pull it over his head, but Spike's hands stopped her.

"What?" She asked, suddenly suspicious.

"Maybe I should leave this on, pet." Spike said, his voice telling her not to push it.

"Maybe you shouldn't, Spike," She told him firmly. "Let me see you. Please."

Her plea had been his undoing and he pulled the shirt over his head, hearing the sharp intake of breath Buffy experienced when she saw him. It.

Buffy's hand flew to her gaping mouth, horror in her eyes. "Why? Why did you do this, Spike?" She asked, reaching out her other hand to touch it.

The vampire hissed but didn't move and her hand slowly traced the enormous scar over his chest. It was mostly healed by now, and it didn't hurt, but it was highly sensitive and not very aesthetic, he realized. He also chose not to answer her question, mostly because he wasn't sure of the truth.

At that moment, she knew he'd been hiding the truth away from prying eyes, not letting anyone see how a soul had affected him. The weirdest things was that she understood it - him.

Buffy couldn't muster anything else to say, so she just pulled him on top of her on the bed, letting him settle between her legs, which were half dangling off the bed and he was still half-standing half-supported on her and she took advantage of it to turn them so that she was on top.

Lying down on the bed, feet touching the floor, Spike looked up as she straddled him, her hair teasing his shoulders and chest as she brought her lips close to his. Her eyes had unshed tears in them and she looked away, not wanting him to see it. His hands were at her waist, trying to pull her down on him but she was holding back, letting only the head of his cock touch her entrance.

Her eyes searched his and he felt her breath coming out of her lips, close enough to touch his but not doing so. And then everything became blurred as she impaled herself on him, bringing an end to the eternity he'd been in, the infinite time when he couldn't be inside her.

Buffy closed her eyes as her mouth formed a perfect 'o', clenching a little around him. Then she opened them again, staring into his eyes as they began to move in rhythm.

"Oh, God," She gasped as they increased their pace. She continued to moan incoherently as they continued moving. Spike was speechless as he took all of her in, the smell of her hair, the feeling of her, tight against him. He had a look of adoration in his face, mixed with complete bliss and she was feeding off of it, which combined with her extreme arousal and all the sensations she was feeling as they moved together, brought her to a powerful orgasm.

Spike heard her continuous incoherent babble as his hands continued to caress any skin he could reach. She clenched around him impossibly strong and he didn't know how he could hold off his own climax. Buffy continued to gasp and moan as she came down from her orgasm, fingers gripping his arms so hard they were leaving marks.

Her teeth bit on the inside of her lip as she rode the aftershocks and the skin couldn't take any more strain and tore. As she tasted her blood, she looked at Spike and kissed him, letting him taste it.

As soon as he started to drink her blood, he began to come, spurting his semen deep inside her. He changed and Buffy felt the lumps against her own face and his fangs tease her tongue. She didn't want to admit why exactly, but it triggered another climax, almost as strong as the previous one, albeit shorter.

As she tried to regain her breath and he tried to make his brain work once again, his arms came around her where she'd fallen against his chest, slowly caressing her back.

"Bloody Hell…" he groaned. "That was…" He trailed off as his mind played back the last minutes.

"Yeah… Completely agree," She replied huskily. "I guess that was what wasn't supposed to happen again, isn't it?"

His hands stopped caressing her back. "And I guess I should be on my merry way then, huh? Better than being kicked out as you'll do as soon as you start to think again," he said, suddenly remembering everything he'd promised himself.

"Maybe you should." She replied tiredly, but didn't move off him.

"I think you have to move then, luv," he informed in a distant tone.

"No more thinking," she whispered and then she kissed his neck.

Spike found himself become aroused again, but her steady breath told him she'd fallen asleep. Cursing under his breath, he moved them so they were against the pillows, her body still on top of his, hand curled around his scar protectively, almost as if her touch had healing capacities and it would make it go away.

She'd let him taste her. Just one small drop, but she'd given it to him willingly. He groaned as he realized he wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon.

Spike woke up to the smell of fresh food, after only falling asleep a couple hours before. He opened his eyes to see Buffy sitting next to him on the bed, bedside lamp on and one plate with half-eaten fruits on her lap and eating a toast with a ton of jelly.

One big glob of red jelly fell on the shirt she was wearing, which made him realize it was actually his shirt. Grinning he supported himself on one elbow and bent down to lick the red spot.

Buffy finished the toast and put the plate on her nightstand before pulling Spike's mouth to hers. She kissed him deeply as she tried to make her thoughts stop. If she could do that, she would feel him next to her again without the regret and the horror.

"Guess I should be going then, huh?" Spike said as she broke the kiss with a sigh. It was morning and he knew if he was quick enough, he could make a crazy dash for the sewers before the sun was too high.

"Daylight," She pointed out.

"That never stopped you from kicking me out before, pet."

"Don't you ever know when to shut up?" She asked him rhetorically.

He shook his head.

She moved to straddle him, sitting high on his stomach. "Hungry?" She asked, pointing to the plate of food on her nightstand.

"Starving, luv. But I doubt you have a pint of blood that is less that six months old sitting 'round, so I guess I'll have to wait."

Buffy didn't meet his eyes, just pulled his shirt over her head and threw it on the floor. She then proceeded to move her hair away from her neck. Only then she met his eyes, staring deep into them.

Spike gulped down audibly. He could smell her fresh blood pumping in her veins, the rich liquid flowing with life. But more than this, Spike knew it was a test - and hell if he knew the right thing to do.

"Just don't drink too much," she whispered and his body trembled beneath hers.

"Buffy, luv… Slayer, don't…" He protested between breaths.

She put her neck closer to his mouth, bent down and whispered in his neck, "Do it. Please."

"Oh, Bloody Hell…" Spike moaned. He didn't care about the test anymore… This was one chance in a lifetime; he knew it.

Buffy closed her eyes and then she felt his elongated fangs brush her neck, so softly before his lips kissed the skin there. She felt her body becoming more sensitive to every touch, every kiss.

He teased the skin with his fangs slowly, scraping it slightly with every brush. She was breathless with anticipation, her body shaking.

She barely felt when his fangs pierced the skin. A gasp escaped her mouth and then a moan. There was some pain in the back of her neck, but there was also a connection deep in her soul that was numbing the area or her neck.

It was dying, but without the pain and the fear. It was only the letting go, that one moment when you know it's inevitable, but that there's only eternal happiness waiting on the other side. Nothing felt that good, no human connection could ever feel like that.

Then it was gone.

Buffy felt the link vanish, and then she was feeling Spike panting beneath her.

"More," she moaned but Spike shook his head as he tried to form a coherent thought once again.

"I can't. That was enough to last me a week, luv," Spike lied, forcing the demon face back down below..

"You're lying." She accused. "More, Spike, I can take it." Her voice was almost begging.

"That was too much, Buffy. Don't wanna hurt ya. It's too powerful, overwhelming. You're feeling like this now, but you're gonna hate me if I continue."

Buffy looked down on his eyes and saw his determination. She nodded and kissed him, feeling for the first time a different taste lingering in his mouth.

Spike got himself into the kiss before his thoughts rushed back to him and he broke it. "Buffy, luv. Wait," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders to still her. She stared at him with surprise and he stole another quick kiss.

"What's the matter?" She asked worried. She'd kept herself from thinking too much about what they'd done, but now she was afraid of what he'd say, what realizations his words would bring to her.

"Why did you do this, pet?" He asked with a soft voice.

"Do what?" she inquired and he pointed to her neck with his chin. "Oh, this?" She shrugged. "Don't know. Guess it felt like a good idea at the time," she lied. She'd felt the connection when he'd drank the small portion of her blood previously in the night and she'd woken to a sensual dream of Spike drinking her dry.

"Why are you doing all this, Slayer?" Now he seemed almost pissed off. "You send me away then you scold me for leaving ya. Then you tell me to stay away again but you won't leave me. Thought ya wanted me to stop loving ya."

Buffy bit her lip as she shook her head almost timidly. "Don't, Spike. Don't… ever…. stop…. Loving… me." She whispered, not meeting his eyes.

"Why?"

"Because your love is one of the few things in my life that isn't dead. I've already lost my dreams, my mom, Tara… so much…"

"I'm dead," he pointed out and her eyes snapped glued to his.

"No, you're not. Not anymore than I am,"

"You're not dead, luv. There's still so much life on you," His hand cupped her cheek and she turned so she could kiss it.

"It's so much easier to hate you when you're not doing this, being like this." She blurted out. "And it's so much harder to keep from loving you."

"Do you?" Spike asked her and she frowned in question. "Keep from loving me, pet?" He added.

"Sometimes." She confessed.

"Not now?"

She shook her head. "Definitely not now."

Spike pulled her torso closer to his so he could wrap his arms around her. The punctures on her neck were closed already and he lapped at them some more, making the total healing act faster.

"I tried, Buffy. I tried so hard to stop loving you. I blamed it on the chip, on Dru… I blamed it on everything possible because I couldn't live with the chance that I'd fallen for you. But you kept taking over my very being and then I touched you and I had you and I couldn't stop. When I was about to come back I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, Buffy. I'd come back and put a stop to these feelings because they were eating my very existence, churning up all that was good and true about me, which isn't much already. I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it again. I still have not a soddin' idea."

"What are you talking about? You're here, aren't you?"

"That is, until you realize you want just the opposite of this and dump me on my sorry ass once again, luv. And I'll be right next to where I'd been before I got the soul and it will all be useless."

Buffy almost gasped at his words.

"So, in self-defense, luv, thinking about my very sensitive sanity, can you tell you me what you bloody want?" His words were harsh, but his voice wasn't and her hands reached for one of his before bringing it to her lips.

"If you want promises, I can't give them to you, Spike. I can't say that tomorrow I won't say too much and hurt you and me both, but I can tell you that I want to see the world with my sister. I want to listen more to my friends' problems and try to identify any prospective problems before they turn into another attempt at an apocalypse. But most of all, I want to stop hurting the people who love me. But no guarantees."

Spike nodded. He'd gotten more than he'd been waiting for anyway.

"Do you still want to stop loving me?" Buffy asked, sounding afraid of his possible answers.

"More than almost everything." He replied honestly.

"Almost?"

"Not as much as I want to do this, pet," He said as he touched his lips to hers.

Hell would unleash on Earth before the bleached vampire and the Slayer could be happy, but that was more than close enough for both of them.