Title: User's Guide to Your New Bohemian
Genre: Humor
Rating: T
Summary: You know you've wished at least once for your own little Boho to love and huggle forever and ever. Well, here's a manual to guide you should you become the lucky owner of a BOHEMIAN unit. Will expand to include every Boho, including Benny.
Notes: I'm not the first one to think of character user's guides. I actually don't know who is. But I do know that I was inspired by Evey1812 when I wrote this. So I give her some credit, I guess. I don't know who first made characters into units, but whoever did, credit to them too.
FIRST UP... MARK!
--------
The User's Guide and Manual to:
MARK COHEN
Copyright: Jon Larson's Musical Bots Ltd.
2007
Chief Technical and Mechanical Advisor: x Rajah x
Congratulations, RENThead!
You are now the proud owner of you very own MARK unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you will obtain maximum enjoyment from your MARK unit.
In order to gain the most value from your MARK unit, we advise that you adhere to the guidelines and instructions listed below.
TECHNICAL DETAILS OF YOUR MARK UNIT:
Name: Mark Cohen
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturing Company: Scarfy McScarferStein & Co.
Height: Five feet, eight inches
Controls: Your MARK unit is programmed to be voice-activated, but may also be stimulated by the presence of a MAUREEN unit, phone calls from his mother, being pelted by incessant fangirls, and gas pains.
ACCESSORIES:
Your MARK unit is shipped to you without any extra shipping fee and includes its very own:
Blue and white striped scarf: Your MARK unit will want to wear this all the time. (Also delivered with a blue and gray scarf for film adaptation usage)
Note: Your MARK unit's scarf is dry-clean only.
Camera: Your MARK unit's camera is permanently cemented in his grip, so you needn't worry about him losing it, and any emotional trauma that would inevitably result.
Bike: Your MARK unit has a big, shiny bicycle that he will wish to ride around New York on occasion. Please remind him to exercise caution as he has been known to ride it without a helmet.
Clothes: Your MARK unit comes dressed in a pair of tan SLACKS, a red and blue striped SWEATER, and SHOES. He also comes with a jacket for outdoor usage, though it is not recommended that you leave your MARK unit outside for long periods of time, as this has resulted in the creation of a documentary about random bums in recent clinical trials. (See troubleshooting information.)
Note: Your MARK unit's clothes are removable for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY.
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:
Your MARK unit was manufactured and designed to be user-friendly and reliable.
Aside from being a solution for your boredom and the object of your affection/gloating, your MARK unit has several practical and sensible uses:
Camera-Man:
Does the camera love you? Your MARK unit is always happy to film, whatever the occasion, even if you wish for him to film something completely absurd, such as the screening of a call via an answering machine.
Note: Always be sure that your MARK unit has juice in his battery.
Note: Be sure never to let a MAUREEN unit take your MARK unit's camera into her possession unless it is your MARK unit's bar mitzvah.
Specimen for Pleasing the Eye:
Your MARK unit is downright adorable. If you find scrawny, pale, bespectacled Jew boys to be irresistibly attractive, then you are welcome to fawn over your MARK unit for hours on end.
Reporter of Ridiculous Tabloid Stories:
Hey, if no one else will do it, your MARK unit will. Have the sudden need to hear a story about vampire welfare queens who are compulsive bowlers? Your MARK unit is happy to oblige, unless of course he is abruptly switched into UTTER FRUSTRATION WITH ALEXI mode, in which case your MARK unit will begin to sing a little song about living in America at the end of the millennium.
Note: This song reaching its completion requires the purchase of a ROGER unit. It should also be noted that if you wish to use your MARK unit for musical pleasure, we recommend the purchase of a ROGER unit. (Unless you solely wish to hear "Halloween" )... see Troubleshooting Information for more info.
Information Provider:
Your MARK unit is fully prepared to spout out the date and time at any given moment, as he is fully equipped with expert narrating skills.
Note: This time feature is not available to those outside of the Eastern Time zone.
CLEANING:
Your MARK unit must be washed in warm water with lavender body wash. Should he be subjected to anything less, Scarfy McScarferStein & Co. is not responsible for any injury acquired by the consumer.
MARK units and ROGER units should always be washed separately, for fear of the generation of mass MarkRoger romance fics.
FAQs (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)
Q: My MARK unit is turning blue. Is this a problem?
A: Provided that it is solely your MARK unit's feet turning blue, it is not. Should your MARK unit's face turn blue, it is likely that your MARK unit's scarf is on too tight. This problem can be fixed with the use of a simple screwdriver and possibly pliers.
Q: Close on my MARK unit's nosedive. Will he get out of here alive?
A: Your MARK unit is programmed to be durable and to withstand erosion, rusting, global warming, temperature and climate fluctuations, and the feelings associated with being dumped for a woman. This being said, we still do not recommend that you cause your MARK unit to do a nosedive off of anything high. (Unless of course you have your MARK unit programmed in the NYTW setting, in which case, you will have quite a mess to clean up.)
Note: You may send your broken MARK unit to our 24 HOUR FIX-IT CENTER by calling our hotline: 1-800-SPLATTER. Please allow ample time for injury repair, depending on how grave the damage is.
Q: My MARK unit is lonely, bored, and horny. What should I do?
A: It is very likely that you may have your MARK unit set on the POST-MAUREEN setting if this occurs. Though various cures for this are available, we do not recommend the usage of a ROGER unit as a remedy (see CLEANING). A common antidote used for this technical glitch is quite simple. You may choose to switch your MARK unit to its MUCHO MASTURBATION setting, provided that this problem does not occur on the high holy days.
Note: Never, under any circumstance, should your MARK unit be permitted to get together with a JOANNE unit, a bottle of champagne, and an accountant's ledger and "go at it."
Q: My MARK unit is tangoing with his ex-girlfriend's new lesbian love interest. Is this weird?
A: It's weird. Very weird. Fuckin' weird. Just ignore the weirdness of it and enjoy your MARK unit's impressive ability to strike a perfect tango pose.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
Note: Scarfy McScarferStein & Co. is not responsible for any problems regarding your MARK unit, as we are mainly credited to the assembly of your MARK unit. Any internal problems that you should have concerning his character are NOT OUR PROBLEM. Should you have any questions or comments after reading this section, we recommend that you DEAL WITH IT. Should you have any complaints, we recommend that you GO TO HELL.
Problem: My MARK unit feels like going insane, has a fire in his brain, and he's thinking of drinking gasoline.
Solution: Don't panic. It is very possible that your MARK unit has accumulated a vast amount of MASS EMOTIONAL BUILD-UP. This occurs when your have programmed your MARK unit on the DATING MAUREEN setting. Simply switch its setting back to POST-MAUREEN and perform a routine cleaning of your MARK unit's brain. And in the meantime, keep all gasoline out of his reach and in a "child-safe" container. Also keep a fire extinguisher handy, just in case.
Problem: My MARK unit looks glum.
Solution: In the event of your MARK unit undergoing a sudden change of mood, it is likely that he has just sold his soul for three grand a segment, or witnessed his ex-girlfriend becoming engaged to a woman. Or both in a matter of minutes. When this happens, your MARK unit requires a CHEER-ME-UP immediately. This can be executed in many forms. You are perfectly welcome to hug your MARK unit should you desire to.
Problem: My MARK unit feels lousy.
Solution: Contrary to popular belief, this condition is not the same as the aforementioned. If your MARK unit feels lousy, he should be permitted to do a little tango with a JOANNE unit, and then tell said JOANNE unit that her new girlfriend is cheating on her. Once this happens, this feeling of LOUSINESS should be easily transferred to the JOANNE unit, and your MARK unit should feel great.
Problem: My MARK unit has created a documentary about random homeless bums.
Solution: It is very possible that you left your MARK unit outside too long. Should you prefer it, there is an ALTERNATE ENDING PACKAGE available for purchase that does not entirely focus upon said documentary. It is recommended however, that you accommodate your MARK unit's aspirations to create his own film, or he may be forced to work for that sleazy show Buzzline.
Problem: My MARK unit has got his work.
Solution: It is a common misconception that MARK units live for their work and are in love with their work. Recent studies, however, involving the use of a ROGER unit have told us that your MARK unit may actually be hiding in his work. To prevent further problems, we have installed each MARK unit with a custom microchip that enables you to locate him at any given time in the event of such an emergency.
Problem: My MARK unit won't sing for me.
Solution: If you have not yet purchased a ROGER unit, it is quite possible that you have your MARK unit on its FILM ADAPTATION setting. If you wish to hear your MARK unit sing solo, a.k.a. "Halloween", you may choose to switch your MARK unit to its MUSICAL setting. Should you wish to keep your MARK unit on its FILM ADAPTATION setting, we recommend that you either purchase a ROGER unit and have them sing another song, or send for the DELETED SCENES PACKAGE (not included
with original purchase).
Note: If you send for the DELETED SCENES PACKAGE within thirty days of your purchase of your MARK unit, we'll send you the ALTERNATE ENDING PACKAGE as a free bonus!
FINAL NOTE:
We sincerely hope that you enjoy your new MARK unit so much that you find yourself squeeing uncontrollably.
-------------
More BOHOS later!
So what do you think? XD
This made me want a MARK unit really bad. ;) And wow, I'm on a roll, here. I'm sitting here writing up a storm!
I'll just say that I posted this in honor of Adam and Anthony's last day at the Nederlander. And that I'm kinda depressed about that... :( Even though I was blessed enough to see them during this time period, I'm gonna miss hearing about their run.
But then, I'm seeing ADAM in concert on Wednesday, so I'm also happy.
Poor baby. (hugs him) His wrist needs to get better.
Also, is anyone interested in joining a RENT fansite?
I am a main administrator at a RENT fansite called Measure Life in Love. We are looking to begin a RENT roleplay and need one more person. (Anyone wanna RP as BENNY?) Even if you don't want to play Benny, and if all the slots are filled (once we get a Benny, they will be), we still welcome any new members. They only thing we require is that you like RENT! (That means you!) Also: if you want to RP, there is a "Random Roleplay" where people can jump in and play as anyone they please at any given time, so you can participate. There's also lots of other cool stuff there, and you'll meet new RENThead friends!
Please click my homepage link on my profile if you'd like to join in!
Okay, I've rambled on too long.
REVIEW PLEASE!