Disclaimer: I own, or at least have permission to use, the characters of the Captain, Al, and Techie. The other characters in this story, not so much.

I was going to hold on to this one until Christmas, but I've changed my mind. I feel rather bad about not posting anything for a while, and since I suspect there may be another break in my future, I'm going to try to get a few things up as quickly as I can.

I hereby dedicate this fic to the S.C. Monster who lived in my closet when I was four, and to the pretty lady with the halo who protected me from him. Neither strictly real people, I know, but still, this story is for them. For him because I still can't sleep with the closet door open, and that kind of irrational fear is fitting for a story about the Scarecrow's henchmen. And for her because she didn't just shield me--she taught me how to outwit the monster and then made me stand up for myself.

They were recurring characters in my nightmares. Every night for nearly two years. I was very young. Can you blame me for believing they were real?

Mentally unbalanced dedication aside (and trust me, it could have been worse) this takes place on Christmas Eve, 2012, the day after "A Very Squishy Christmas." The timeline (www. freewebs. com/ catverse) has it wrong, mainly because I have no sense of time and can't be trusted to keep my dates straight, anyway. Erm...for example, I just said this came the day after "A Very Squishy Christmas" when, in fact, they both occur on Christmas Eve, which is, for those of you keeping score at home, the same day. Still, you should probably read that one before this.

ON TO THE STORY!

The Truce in the Trenches

The date was December 24, and no one was happy. This might be the time for peace on Earth and goodwill toward men, but the three women in the VW bus looked like someone had run over their puppy.

That wasn't too surprising, really. Al was too close to her family not to miss them around the holidays. The Captain wasn't close enough to hers to miss them as much as she would have liked. And as for Techie…well, the Captain didn't know what was wrong with her Chief Operations Officer, but she could only assume it had something to do with the friends they were unable to see, being legally dead and all.

Captain was trying to make the best of things, but without her "Strange Christmas" CD, which had of course been left behind in the Scarecrow's lair, she wasn't going to be able to feel anything but holiday depression. Without "Christmas in Hell" she just…well, it did feel like Christmas in Hell. She must have lost her sense of humor somewhere along the way if she really needed the crutch.

"We shouldn't be doing this," she said. "Since when do we just sit around and mope about a problem when there's something we could do about it?"

"What can we do?" asked Al. "We're still dead, you know."

"I know. I wasn't suggesting interaction. Just observation. The observation of the Gothamite in its natural habitat."

"Great," Techie said dryly, without looking up from the arduous task of filing her nails.

The cavalier tone set the Captain's teeth on edge.

"Fine, then!" There was nothing within reach to knock over, so she threw open the car door and stalked out into the snow. The others followed cautiously.

"Captain, what's your problem?" asked Al. The Captain turned away.

"It's Christmas."

"But you love Christmas." The Captain glared at her.

"Do I?"

"Yes," said Techie.

"I hate Christmas!" the Captain exploded. "I hate it, okay? There! I said it! I! Hate! Christmas! I HATE IT! I only put up with it for you, Al! You love Christmas! It makes you happy! It makes me want to die inside, okay? I hate it. It's a horrible time that serves only to remind you of everything that's wrong with the world and how you'll never measure up to what you should have been and how life is just hopeless! Everything they try to tell you is a lie. Every word of every stupid Christmas movie is a lie. Everything they tell you when you're a child is nothing but a lie. Holiday spirit. Family togetherness. Love. It's no more real than a smile that the Joker plants on your face just before you die."

Her friends looked horrified.

"Oh, what?" the Captain snapped. "Don't tell me you're surprised. You're both too old to believe in Santa Claus. I don't—" She burst into tears. "I don't believe in Santa Claus, I don't believe in fairies, I don't believe in magic; it's all just Joker Venom and none of it is real!" Her friends still looked horrified. They hadn't moved. "He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

It was a joke. A joke. They were supposed to laugh, break the tension, sweep the emotional outburst under the rug, and get on with their lives.

They didn't laugh.

"He's standing right behind me," she repeated, and turned to face the Joker, who was waiting with a patient grin.

"Merry Christmas," he said when he had her undivided attention. The flower in his lapel sprayed her with a bright green HAPPY SHINE FUN TIME CHRISTMAS JOKER SMILE TIME MERRY CHRISTMAS HA!

She fell back, giggling hysterically. MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! What a joke! It was CHRISTMAS and it was MERRY and the JOKER said it! It was the funniest thing she had ever heard! Ha ha HA it hurt to laugh, and that was even MORE hilarious! Why were her friends screaming? How were they breathing this crazy air?

"Air!" she enthused. "Air rhymes with hair rhymes with scare rhymes with mer-ry!" Ha ha HA!

"That's better," said the Joker. " Holiday cheer—my gift to you!" And he joined her for a round of maniacal laughter, although she was wheezing too much to give him any competition for sheer exuberance.

Wait a minute—was the Captain really cackling like a mad scientist? She didn't do that! She had a maniacal giggle, but she never did the full-blown laugh that Al was so fond of.

And yet, here she was matching glee with the Joker. The Joker! Ha-ha-HELL, she was going to die!

She sobered just long enough to draw one full breath. Then she indulged in a little of her trademark demented giggling…which grew into another round of maniacal cackling. The Joker glowed with pride.

"My work here is done! Happy Holidays, kiddies." He turned to prance away, kicking up snow as he went.

"Happy!" She gasped. "Ha-ha-holidays!" She closed her eyes and fell back in the snow.

Was she going to die?

To die would be an awfully big adventure. And it was Christmas. When else was she going to do it?

At least this way she would go out thinking of Captain Hook and Inigo Montoya, and ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…

Everything went black. That was probably no bad thing.