"RYUUZAKI, WHAT THE HELL!?" The shriek could be heard all through the headquarters of the investigation team, drawing everyone's attention towards the door as L dragged Raito through it via chained wrists.

"I don't know, Raito-kun. We should probably inform your father. Perhaps he could provide some details?"

Souichirou stood immediately and rushed to Raito's side, concerned. After all, he couldn't let anything bad befall his precious son, now, could he?

"What's wrong, Raito?" Worry just dripped from the old man's voice, like drool on an incontinent old woman's chin. For a long time, Raito said nothing. Souichirou stared curiously at his son, while L just became exasperated.

Finally L took the initiative to break the silence by saying, "Raito-kun is pregnant."

Shocked, no one moved or said anything. Even Watari, hidden away in the security room, watched silently, chewing occasionally on his popcorn. This was better than "As the World Turns!"

"…Is this true, Raito? And Ryuuzaki's the father?" Souichirou finally managed to say. Raito just nodded stoically, squaring his shoulders in preparation to take a verbal tirade of outrage like a man, even if he must have been the girliest one on the planet.

"I'm… I-I'm so…" Raito's father seemed to be having some type of internal struggle.

Probably trying to decide whether he wants to strangle Ryuuzaki or me first. Raito thought.

"Raito, I'm so happy for you!"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Everyone stared blankly at Souichirou, who practically had tears of joy streaming from his eyes.

"Oh, I can't believe my little boy's finally living up to his old man." Souichirou chuckled heartily while Raito stared in open-mouthed horror, doing a rather lovely impression of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch.

"What are you talking about, Dad?"

"Well, you see, in our family the men are able to become pregnant through some miraculous means that no one really needs to know because the author is too lazy to pull one from his ass!"

"But, I'd like to know!" Raito wailed, flinging himself to the floor at his father's feet.

"Too bad!" His father said in a sing-song voice, completely cheerful.

"So, wait…" Raito pulled himself to his feet, wiping his hands on his pants nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just done something so undignified. "You haven't ever been pregnant, have you?" Just the thought of that sent little convulsions of disgust up and down his spine. He didn't like to imagine his parents getting it on with each other, let alone other people.

"Raito, haven't you ever wondered why your hair was different from everyone else in the family?"

"Well, yeah, I did wonder about that, and I always thought I might have been adopted or…" Raito trailed off, twitching. "You can't be serious."

"Oh, yes, and your father just happens to be-"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Raito shouted, plugging his ears. "LALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALA!!!"

"But don't you want to know?"

"Not if my life depended on it!"

Suddenly, L sidled up beside Raito and laid his ear against the boy's stomach. "Oh, I think I felt it kicking!" he said, smiling around the thumbnail he was gnawing on.

Raito threw himself to the ground in horror, trapping L under him.

"Hey, hey, if you do that, you'll hurt the baby!" Matsuda yelled. "You really shouldn't try any sexual activities when you're pregnant, Raito-kun!"

Raito just screamed in frustration.

-----

Sorry, this crack fic has been stuck in my head for weeks, though, and I finally felt like writing it tonight. Tell me what you like in a review, hmm?

Edit: I finally fixed some of the typos floating around in it!