Prologue. Mercenaries Gone Crazy

One fine day in the forest, Greil and Ike were sparring with rubber chickens. "Hiya!" shouted Ike. "I'll definitely kill you with my extremely deadly pet chicken named Frederick!"

"Ike! I can't believe you still think these things are alive! How many times to I have to tell you that a person who travels through time sold me these rubber chickens at his black market! They're just toys!" Greil exclaimed in reply.

"You hypocrite!" Ike gasped and he tried even harder to hit his father with his rubber chicken.

"Well, Ike? Had enough?" Greil taunted after Ike tripped and fell down.

Then Mist came running screaming, "DAD!!! IKE!!! I HEARD A CHICKEN CLUCKING!!!"

"Ah, Mist…I didn't know that you also believed that rubber chickens could talk. How many times do I have to-"

"Yaaaah!" Ike stupidly screamed as he tried to do a "sneak attack" on Greil while he was lecturing Mist. Greil simply had to dodge and (somehow) knock Ike out with the rubber chicken.

"Ike?... OH NO A RUBBER CHICKEN KNOCKED YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Mist as she ran over to him.

Meanwhile Ike dreamt of his mother. A-am I dead? he thought. But then he woke up to the sound of Mist humming the same song his mother hummed. When he looked at Mist he then realized just how much she resembled their deceased mother. "M-Mother? Is that you? I am dead aren't I? Well, how about that? Dad's homicidal pet chicken killed me. You must hate me for being so weak, Mom."

Mist sighed and just replied, "Ah, you're up! 'Bout time! Are you all right?"

"N-um…Yeah, I'll be fine." Ike was embarrassed that he had thought that his sister was his mother.

"So, the sleeping prince awakens!" Exclaimed Greil.

"Father! I can't believe you! I know those tall skinny chickens are supposed to be harmless, but not when you use them as weapons! You have no right to be rough on Ike."

"If this is too much for the boy, he'll never make it as a mercenary." Greil replied.

"But-"

"Moth- I mean Mist, you don't have to worry. I told you, I'm fine." said Ike.

"Ha! You'd better be. Now STOP PLAYING WITH 'FREDERICK' AND PICK UP YOUR WOODEN SWORD!!!!!!!!!!" Greil suddenly thundered at Ike, who cowered and whispered,

"I'll protect you, Frederick. Aw, don't cry. HEY, I SAID NO CRYING!!! GOSH!!!!!!!" and so the pissed off Ike picked up his wooden training sword and took up a fighting position and faced his father.

"What the- don't tell me you're going at it again! But-"

"Just until I land a single blow," Ike interrupted Mist again, "I'm not giving up until I can get one good hit on Father."

"I like your resolve, Ike. But it takes more than a strong will to…Hm?" Greil heard a rustling noise coming from the bushes.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S A KILLER SLAB OF ROAST BEEF!!!!! JUST LIKE IN MY NIGHTMARE!!!" Mist screeched and started hyperventilating.

Ike just looked at Mist like she was psychotic and simply said to her, "Shut-up, Mist, you moron, you…"

"Aha! I knew I'd find you here!" exclaimed Boyd as he leapt from out of the bushes, making Mist faint. "Oh, dear…Well anyway, I came because Mist the idiot was taking too long in getting you two to come help us repair a roof that was blown a hole through by Shinon. You see, he found that awesome type of ale that Mist-I mean-umm…Rhys and I were concocting. You see Mi-I mean Rhys and I were bored and so we started trying to concoct a cool type of ale we could perhaps sell. Hey I think that rhymes! Well, anyway, we were working on it in my room and then Shinon barged into the room, probably because he was following the smell of the ale. And he-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT UP, PLEEEAAASE!!!!!! HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH HIS LONG EXPLANATION!!!!!!!" Ike screamed bloody murder.

Boyd blinked at him and then continued talking, "-took the ale, which is very alcoholic and he started chugging it down and…"

"Hey Ike," Greil whispered to his son, who was having a seizure and foaming at the mouth, "if you want Boyd to shut-up, then challenge him to a rubber chicken fight and if you win, I'll promote you to being a mercenary." Ike immediately perked up and skipped merrily over to Boyd.

"…Gatrie and Titania and I tried to stop him and-"

"Hey, Boyd!" Ike shouted in his ear.

"AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT AGAIN!!!!" Boyd yelled.

"Sorry Boyd. I just wanted to ask you if-"

"We can have a rubber chicken fight!" Boyd whooped and picked up his rubber chicken that was randomly and conveniently lying around on the ground nearby. Ike picked up Frederick and he and Boyd both took up their fighting stances. "All right! I'm ready for you! Let's go!" and after about one second Boyd said, "Hey! What's the holdup? Let's get started already."

"I'm coming. Wait right there!" Ike said and then he threw Frederick at Boyd.

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! You totally KO'd me!" Boyd cried as he fell down with many cuts and scrapes and bruises all over him. Just then Mist woke up and somehow knew everything that happened. "That-that wasn't too bad." Boyd actually complemented Ike.

"Boyd, you're such a loser." Mist teased him.

"Shut your trap!" Boyd retorted.

"Good work, Boyd. That's enough." said Greil.

"Oh, all right!" Boyd huffed.

"Your rubberchickenfightingmanship was decent enough, Ike. But you may as well forget how it felt. It won't always be this easy when it comes to sword fighting." Greil lectured Ike for the MILLIONTH TIME!!!!!!!!!

"I know." Ike sagely replied.

"Now that you're done warming up, it's time for you to face me again."

"I was almost hoping you'd say that!" Ike giggled.

"But first…Mist!"

"Right here! Here you go, Ike! It's a vulnerary. I wouldn't recommend using it now, because you'll need it for when Father knocks you silly, like last time he knocked you silly for the MILLIONTH TIME!!!!!!!!!"

"Umm…what she said…Now get ready, Ike. Here I come! Give it your all!"

"Okay!" Ike cheered and he started tap-dancing.

"IKE!!! Come on, boy! You going to give me a challenge this time around?" Greil irritably yelled.

"…" Ike was thinking very carefully: Oh crapdamnfudgecakes! I seriously made an imbecile of myself! Umm…Umm…I have an Idea! "Yeah, I know! Tap-dancing is part of my plan!" and so Ike continued to tap-dance. Greil shrugged his shoulders and charged at Ike. Ike then did a crazy back flip over Greil and hit his father's head in the process.

"Ungh…" Greil grunted as he fell over. He had a huge gash in his shoulder and his entire body became fatigued. But he healed himself with a vulnerary.

"Ike! You were great!" Mist praised her brother.

"Father, you were holding back, weren't you?" Ike said, completely ignoring Mist's question, which made her angry.

"What? Is that true?" she said, completely forgetting about Ike's rudeness, which made him confused.

"If you could tell the difference, that means you're improving."

"You know, I wasn't really giving it my all either…" Boyd unenthusiastically defended his pride.

"That is such a lie." Mist said.

"Bah." Boyd grunted.

"So, Father, does that mean you finally admit that I'm ready?" Ike begged Greil with puppy eyes.

"What, to join the company? To take on a job?"

"Yeah. I mean, Boyd's already out there on the battlefield. I'm ready. I'm tired of being a trainee."

"Listen, the difference between you and me is that I'm a professional." Boyd said.

"A professional who just got beat." Mist cunningly taunted Boyd.

"That was just random chance. Random chance."

"You've got a point, Ike…All right. Tomorrow will be your first day as a full-fledged mercenary." Greil said.

"Really?" Ike's face lit up.

"But! If you think it's too much, you're back to trainee status. You'd better work hard." Ike's father threatened him.

"No problem. Watch-I'll catch up to everyone in no time." Ike declared.

"We'll see. We'd better be heading back to the fort to fix the roof and give Shinon a good punishment for getting drunk while he was supposed to be finding the Golden Fleece for me." Greil said as he walked back to the mercenary fort followed by Ike, Mist, and Boyd.