Warning; Teeth-achingly bad poetry ahead. The writer apologises for inflicting it upon you all.
Morals 3
Severus and Lucius staggered into the manor's second drawing room at around 3:00 am. Narcissa was curled up in a armchair with Draco cradled protectively in her arms. Lucius lent down and kissed them both on the forehead, accidentally waking Draco. Father and son stared at each other silently, faces inches apart, until Draco grabbed Lucius's hair possessively and stuck it in his mouth.
"Help" whispered Lucius at Severus.
One of Severus's eyebrows inched up his forehead, "disturb that demon mandrake of doom that you and Narcissa managed to spawn while its got its mouth fill? I think not".
Lucius twisted and tried to glare commandingly at Severus, something that he found difficult to pull of when his hair was being gently gummed and slobbered over. "Help", he hissed.
"What shampoo do you use Lucinda, to make the boys go wild?" asked Severus.
"So you actually know what shampoo is?"
"You try brewing 14 hrs a day and your lovely suck-able locks would be just as greasy as mine".
"Look Snape, its 3 am, you're the one who wanted to talk about your next assignment and my back is starting to hurt. Help me up or I will tie you down in the wine cellar and have the house elves introduce rats so they can feast on your immobilised body while I listen to your screams for mercy".
"Or I could just let that cannibalistic son of yours suck all of the nurturance out of your body through your hair and use your dry and mummified corpse to mentally scar children on Halloween".
"Or I could knock you out, cut you up, remove your spleen and consume it with a little red wine and pasta in front of your mutilated, but still conscious, body".
"Why is it always the spleen with you? The heart is more traditional".
"But spleen just roles of the tongue, spleeeeeeeeeeeen".
Draco made an odd giggling noise around Lucius's hair.
"Owwwwh, you like that do you?" crooned Lucius "spleen, spleeeeeeeen, spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, Spleeny-Mc-Spleeny, Spleendid, Spleendour, Spleendacious-ness. Spleen-verus Spleen".
At this Narcissa woke up and stared at her husband, who shifted uncomfortably. "Where have you been?"
"On assignment, sorry we woke you darling, we just came in here to discuss the next one" explained Lucius quietly.
Narcissia nodded sleepily, "who's 'we' ?"
"Severus and I"
"Oh", Narcissa shifted and peered at Severus, whose pale face was just visible on the other side of the room. "If I had known he was going I wouldn't have worried, he always takes care of you".
Snape smirked and pushed himself of the wall, "I try".
"My neck hurts" complained Narcissa, stifling a un-ladylike yawn.
"That chair can't be too comfortable" said Lucius sympathetically.
"Do you mind taking Draco? I want to go to bed".
"Not at all, he seems very…..attached".
Narcissa frowned and handed Draco over, Lucius took Draco with his head bent at an odd angle to accommodate the sucking.
"I'm sure that can't be healthy, he's going to end up coughing out fur balls" she complained tiredly
"That's sure to make us the envy of all our friends and family, not every seven month old baby can cough up fur balls" said Lucius soothingly.
"It's a versatile talent that is sure to take him far in life" said Snape sincerely.
"It may even make him Minister of Magic some day" said Lucius wistfully.
Narcissa smiled sleepily at both of them and stumbled out of the room. Her carefully cultivated grace was to much effort to maintain at this hour of the morning.
"So?" said Lucius.
"So what?" said Severus.
"You wanted to talk about the assignment?" prompted Lucius, sitting down in Narcissa's abandoned chair.
Severus sighed and moved over to the couch. He sprawled across it and stuck his boots on the arm rest. "Can I stay here tonight?" he asked suddenly.
Lucius frowned and stopped trying to reclaim his hair. "Of course, you know your always welcome and I wouldn't let you to go home at this hour anyway".
"Doesn't Narcissa mind?"
"No, you supposedly 'take care' of me".
"That was just her being nice to the poor, bedraggled, greasy, badly breed, charity case".
"Your going to get all …..Snape-ish on me aren't you? Are you just fishing for complements or is there some reason behind this melancholy?"
Severus shifted and stared at him intently, making Lucius shift uncomfortably. Severus sighed and turned his gaze back up at the ceiling. "It doesn't matter".
Lucius shifted again and put his feet up on the coffee table. Draco was wide awake and was trying to pull off one of Lucius's ears, presumably so he could suck on it. "You know you're practically one of the family right?"
"Sure"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"How did it go with the Ministry woman?"
"You know I love you right? You're like a little brother".
Severus sighed in exasperation and kicked of his boats.
"Have I upset you somehow?"
"Just tell me about the Ministry woman".
Lucius detached Darco's little hands from his throbbing ear and tried to read Severus's face. He mentally sighed and decided that whatever was going on could wait till morning. "The Ministry woman… lets see… Dolores Umbridge, in her late 50s, loyal ministry employee for 30 years. Devoted to the minister, her work, and the sadistic vicarious thrills she can get while doing her job".
"Self-righteous sadists are always fun, what does she do?"
"Screens potential Deatheater families".
"This involves…….."
"Torture"
"Charming, I was under the impression I was meant to protect her".
"Of course, she's the Dark Lord's number one recruiter".
"I thought you said….."
"Oh……. she is totally loyal to the Ministry, she's an…….. unintentional recruiter".
"Hah"
"The Dark Lord wants you to make sure none of her victims or their families manage to get her, and for you to keep track of who the Ministry thinks are potential Deatheaters".
"So someone can turn them into real Deatheaters after they have experienced the joys of Ministerial…… customer service"
"Bright lad, be sure to act surprised when the Dark Lord tells you".
"Hah".
Draco shifted, Lucius rocked him backwards and forwards subconsciously and frowned at the figure on the couch. The silence stretched uncomfortably between them. Well if he wasn't going to talk about whatever it was…….
"Would Draco like to hear a song?"
Draco did not respond.
"Would Draco like to hear a song about Dolores Umbridge?"
Again Draco failed to respond, but Lucius was undeterred.
"Dolores Umbridge likes little kittens
Warm summer days and bright yellow mittens
Cold winter mornings that melt into spring
These are a few of her favourite things
Dark little cells and helpless little captives
Ministerial hypocrisy and ineffective enactments
Hard boiled defiance that melts into screams
These are a few of her favourite things
When the dog barks, when the bee stings
When someone fights the Man
Dolores simply remembers her favourite things
And then she don't feel so bad"
Draco seemed deeply unimpressed by his father's poetic brilliance.
Lucius looked expectantly at the couch, waiting for Severus's derisive snort, instead he heard a gentle snore. He got up from the chair and moved over to the sleeping figure, silently summoning a blanket which he awkwardly tucked around Severus one handed. He frowned down at Severus and knelt down on his heels next to him. He than started searching through his pockets for that muggle vivid he had picked up a few weeks ago. Useful for scribbling moustaches on ministerial portraits while they were asleep, he had to entertain himself somehow.
Eventually he found it and held it up for Draco's inspection. Draco let go of his hair with a soft slurping noise and tried to reach for it, his father quickly gave him his wand instead, which Draco happily put in his mouth and started to suck. Lucius took the cap of the pen with his teeth and stared at Severus face in deep, zen like, contemplation…...
Snape blinked at the early morning sun and staggered out of the room and down the hall towards the bathroom, nearly tripping over a blanket that mysteriously got tangled up between his legs. Upon reaching the bathroom he caught sight of himself in the mirror……….
Lucius would later tell he screamed like a girl, Severus maintained it was a very manly squeal of indignation, Narcissa had just rolled her eyes and Draco had said a noise that sounded like "spleeeaggit". Which had had all three of them cooing "Spleen, spleen, spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen" at Draco for the rest of the morning.
………..Anyway, the bellow that followed the manly squeal of indignation was very masculine sounding indeed.
"I DO NOT NEED A HUG!!!!"
And they all lived not so happily ever-after.
The End.
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So what's the moral of this story? That Lucius should not became a poet, obviously.
I re-read this on the 5/10/09, about two years after I wrote it. All I can say is, urrrrrgh...