Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter. Do you remember it happening this way in the book?!? And yes, I'm writing this completely sober. 4 realz.
Harry and Parvati whirled about the dance floor at the Yule Ball, Harry still treading on Parvati's toes on every other step. He would have absolutely failed on the "Dancing with the Dark Wizard Killaz" show that was so popular on WWTV (Wizarding World Television). Parvati didn't seem to mind too much though, as she was so entranced with Harry that she couldn't keep her eyes off him.
Tripping over his own feet, Harry couldn't believe how absolutely beautiful his partner was. His bespectacled green eyes hungrily sought her brown ones, and they slowly stopped their dance even as the music went on.
"Er… Parvati?" Harry began, rather shyly.
"Yes, Harry?" she replied breathlessly.
"I know that we're only 14, and we've never really talked before this and all," Harry began, nervous sweat running down his back, "but I just have to say… I love you, Parvati!"
"Ooooh!" she squealed, still absolutely besotted with The Boy Who Lived. "I love you too, Harry!"
Harry smiled happily; his first date was going much better than he ever could have anticipated. He pulled out a velvet box from his pocket that he had brought with him for just such an occasion. "Parvati… will you marry me?????"
"OMG YES!!!!!" said Parvati, seizing the box from his hands and putting the ring on herself. Then the two shared a passionate kiss – or rather, Harry slobbered all over Parvati's chin.
"Let's go tell everyone!" said Harry happily, and they went off to find Ron.
They found him tied to a chair next to Padma, who was holding a knife on him in case he tried to escape from her. "Hey Ron, guess what?!" said Harry. "Parvati and I are getting married!"
"Bloody hell!" cried Ron, jumping up and freeing himself from his bonds (Padma looked sulky and went off to find a Hufflepuff boy to torture). "That means we can have a double wedding!"
"What?!" yelped Parvati. "You're marrying my sister?"
"No – although that would be really hot," said Ron, daydreaming his Doublemint Twins fantasy. "No… Harry, I'm marrying DOBBY!!!!!!"
"Brilliant!" said Harry sincerely; Parvati looked confused, wondering what a homosexual elf-lover was doing at the ball with her sociopathic twin sister. Then she spotted Lavender Brown and went to tell her best friend her news.
"LIKE OMG LAVENDER! I'M MARRYING HARRY!!!" Parvati shrieked, giggling madly.
"LIKE OMG WOWWWW!!!" said Lavender, also giggling like a maniac. The two girls kept giggling and giggling and giggling and giggling… until their heads exploded.
"Aw man," said Harry sadly, looking at the headless corpse of his fiancée. "Guess that means we can't have a double wedding anymore, Ron," he continued, looking at his best friend.
"That is OK, Harry Potter," said Dobby, coming out from under the table they were sitting at. "Wheezy and I will still be very happy together." He gazed fondly at his human lover whose name he still didn't know and couldn't pronounce.
Their conversation was interrupted by Fred Weasley's shouts of joy. "Hey everyone!" he shouted to the Yule Ball at large. "I just asked Angelina Johnson to marry me… and she said yes!"
"No one cares!" shouted Neville Longbottom. "You're just the comic relief; you have no purpose in the central narrative!" At that moment, one of the castle walls collapsed on top of Fred, squishing him.
"Well, that was unfortunate," said Ron. Then he and Harry spotted Hermione; they still had to tell her the big news!
"Hey Hermione, guess what?!" said Harry. "Parvati and I are getting married… or we would be, if her head hadn't exploded." He was filled with ANGST and WOE for a few moments.
"And Dobby and I are getting married too!" said Ron proudly, oblivious to his best friend's misery.
"But Dobby's a boy elf…" Hermione looked confused for a few moments, then shook it off with a grin as she told them, "Well, I have some news too!"
"OMG WHAT?!" asked Harry and Ron excitedly, Harry's sorrow forgotten.
"Malfoy and I are getting married too!!!!" proclaimed Hermione.
Her news was met with the sound of crickets as the Great Hall filled with stunned silence. "Just KIDDING!" she said cheerfully.
But it was too late; Harry and Ron had already dropped dead from heart attacks at the HORRIBLE NEWS.
"Noooooooooo!!!!!!" Dobby sank to his little elfin knees. "Wheezy!!! Speak to meeee!!!" Ron remained silent, since he was, after all, dead. Dobby sobbed over the body of his red-haired lover.
"It's OK… come to Kreacher, Dobby," said Kreacher seductively, beckoning from the doorway of the Great Hall dressed in sexy lingerie. Dobby squealed with elfish delight and ran to the comfort of his REAL true love.
"But wait!" Fred got out of the rubble, shaking his head to get the pebbles out of his hair.
"But… but you were dead!" said Angelina, wiping away her tears of grief.
Fred laughed. "Oh, my silly fiancée… the Weasley twins can't die! Anyway, as I was saying, what are we going to do now that Harry's dead?"
"I would assume that we should bury him," said Hermione, frowning at the corpses of her two best friends.
"I think what he's trying to say," interjected George, "is BUT WHAT ABOUT VOLDEMORT????"
Just then, Voldemort Apparated in the middle of the Yule Ball, looking furious.
"WHAT ABOUT ME, PUNK?!?!?!?" he roared, whipping out his wand and shooting Killing Curses everywhere.
Within minutes, everyone in the Great Hall was dead, and Voldemort was surrounded by the bodies of every major character in the series… all except two, who were huddled behind Hagrid's massive body.
"Well, that went pretty well," said Voldemort, surveying the massacre with satisfaction. "Now for some well-deserved LEMON PIE!!!!" He picked up a slice from the refreshment table and stuffed it into his mouth.
Too late, he realized that something was wrong with this lemon pie… very wrong. "Blechhhh!" cried Voldemort, spitting out the pie. "That lemon pie was WAY too sour!" He searched for something to wash out the taste with, and his red eyes fell on the bowl of punch. He gulped down the whole bowl in one swallow, realizing too late that the punch bowl, being a punch bowl at a school dance, was probably spiked with something. "Oh well," he said, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to…"
KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
Voldemort had spontaneously combusted, creating a massive fireball in the middle of the Great Hall. Slowly, two red-headed sixteen-year-olds got up and dusted themselves off.
"Blimey," said George, "I didn't know that our Love Potion would do that to Voldemort!" He and Fred had spiked the punch bowl with love potion, hoping to create a bit of romantic mayhem and liven up the ball.
"Well, Dumbledore always said that love would destroy him someday," said Fred, shrugging. "Not that the potion wasn't a laugh back when everyone was alive… I mean, Ron and DOBBY?" The twins burst out laughing.
"Hey…" said George slowly. "That means we just defeated Voldemort! WITHOUT HARRY!!!" He began to do his patented Happy Dance ™.
Fred made his way over to Neville's body, shaking his head at it. "No purpose in the central narrative, my ARSE!" he said, and he and George high-fived.
Author's note: Yay, Fred lives!!!! Ok, so this is the first in probably like three-ish chapters, the rest of which I will write someday... or maybe not. REVIEW and maybe I'll update!!