Jan 18, 2012.

Hi, reader, and welcome to the very first fanfic I wrote for the TMM fandom. It's titled 'For Lack of a Better Word' because at the time, I couldn't come up with a suitable title, and it was intended to be a temporary stand-in. As you can see, I never got around to changing it, and its readers became attached to the title anyway. So FLoaBW it remained, and will continue to remain.

If you're one of the old fans of this fic, you may be wondering whether I'm ever actually going to finish this fic. The answer to that is ambiguous. Yes, the entire storyline for this baby is still crystal-clear in my head; I can recite the plot from beginning to end if you like. However, this babe was started a long, long time ago (I was barely fifteen when it began, and am 21 at the time of writing - urk) and both my maturity and the style/maturity of my writing have drastically changed. So, while I do intend and desire to see this fic completed, it would be difficult to try and maintain a consistent style of writing.

The short answer, then, is 'bear with me'.

I'm going to be heavily revising this fic; lots of grammar mistakes should be fixed up now. But I will do my best to preserve as much of the original prose as I can.

To old readers: thanks for following this story, and for reviewing. It still amazes me how much this fic took off when I published it. To any new readers: enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not (and did not) own Tokyo Mew Mew.

For Lack of a Better Word

Written: September, 2007.

For Kitty Kat K.O., the first reviewer. Ever.

1) …

Momomiya Ichigo stood awkwardly in the middle of Café Mew Mew. It was silent… everything was silent… not a voice, whisper or creak entered her world of shock. She was frozen in time, as though it had stopped and she was simply… there… standing in her strange, cold world.

The broom handle slipped through her hand and fell to the floor with a loud bang. But Ichigo didn't notice it. She didn't notice anything. She was in her strange, cold world… of shock … and horror...

"Ichigo."

The red haired waitress looked up from where she had been absent mindedly mopping the floor. The love of her life, Aoyama Masaya, had just walked through the door. She greeted him brightly.

"Aoyama-kun! Good evening!"

He smiled at her, but she could see there was something wrong. His dark brown eyes held no warmth; they had been drained of their usual happiness.

"What's wrong?" Ichigo asked as he slowly crossed the room to where she was standing, her hands rested on the top of the broom handle. She frowned a little. It was unlike Masaya (perfect, adorable Masaya) to be unhappy.

"I… Ichigo, I have some bad news," Masaya said finally. He averted his gaze from her questioning brown eyes and stared at the floor.

"Aoyama-kun… what's happened? Why are you so sad?" Ichigo asked worriedly. Her heart was pounding with dread. It must be something horrible to make him so unhappy.

"… I'm leaving," he blurted out, shoving his hands in the pockets of his black and white bomber jacket. Ichigo gasped as shock, fear and horror pierced her heart.

"Wh-where are you going? Yokohama? Nagasaki? Kyoto?" she asked, reeling off the names of all the large cities she could think of. Masaya looked up at last, his eyes filled with terrible sadness.

"England. Oxfordshire," he replied. "I've been accepted to Oxford University."

Ichigo couldn't believe it. He was leaving her… now?

"Why can't you go to University here?" she asked, voice wavering. She started to tremble uncontrollably. Masaya shook his head mournfully.

"Mom wants the best for me," he explained quietly. "And Oxford is the best. We're leaving… tomorrow."

"What! But… why are you telling me this now? Couldn't you have told me earlier?" Ichigo cried, becoming hysterical.

"I only found out a few days ago, and I didn't want you to worry too much about it–"

"What do you mean 'worry about it'?" Ichigo snapped angrily. "I'm going to lose you, and you didn't even give me one day to say goodbye? When will I see you again? Summer holidays?"

"… I'm not coming back, Ichigo…"

She fell silent. Never see him again? She didn't know if she could handle it.

"Masaya…"

"Gomennasai, Ichigo. I have to go. I just wanted to see you before I left…"

"Masaya! Tell me you're joking! This is all a joke, isn't it? I'll see you at school on Monday and everything will be normal–"

"Ichigo! Listen to me. I'm not coming back. Ever. I'm going to university in England and then I'm going to America to take over my uncle's business. I'm never coming back. Don't you understand that?"

"Masaya… stop it…" Ichigo sobbed, tears threatening to spill from her sad eyes. He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Ichi-chan–"

"Don't call me that!" she burst out suddenly. "You tricked me! You promised me you would always love me, and now you're willing to leave me for your education! Go away – get out! Go – go to England and… and…" she dissolved into tears, leaning heavily on the handle of the broom. Ichigo felt his arms go around her and she sobbed helplessly into his comfortable chest. How long will it be until I touch him again? Will this be the last time I ever hug him? She thought miserably.

"Ichigo… I still love you… I'll always care about you. But I can't be with you anymore. This is too important," Masaya whispered into her ear. "Maybe someday our paths will cross…"

He let her go and stepped back, head bowed a little. He was avoiding her eyes again. Ichigo simply stared at the floor, too numb with shock. Masaya walked to the door and looked back.

"Arigatou, Ichigo. Sayonara."

Then he was gone...

Ichigo remained motionless, letting her emotions and confusing thoughts engulf her. What was she supposed to do now Masaya was gone? Another tear slipped down her cheek.

From the kitchen, blue-haired, pristine Minto and clumsy, green-haired Retasu watched, mouths open in surprise. Retasu turned to Minto.

"Poor Ichigo," she said sadly. Minto nodded, her eyes still fixed upon their red-haired friend. Keiichiro had taken Pudding home, and Zakuro was at a photo shoot; so the café was basically empty. Retasu had nearly dropped a plate when she had seen Masaya enter, and had pulled Minto away from her tea to watch the conversation wordlessly.

What do I do now? Ichigo asked herself. He… he surely can't leave me just like that. It's so abrupt… it's almost like he never really cared for me at all… Oh, Masaya! Don't do this to me!

"What should we do?" Retasu asked worriedly.

"Nothing," Minto replied simply.

"Minto! We can't leave her like that. We're her friends. That's so cruel," Retasu gasped.

"I wasn't meaning to be cruel, Retasu. What do you suggest we do?" Minto replied coolly. Retasu turned back to the doorway. Ichigo still hadn't moved a muscle.

"This isn't healthy, Minto," Retasu said finally.

"Well, I'm not exactly the cry-your-heart-out-on-my-shoulder friend Ichigo seems to depend on. Maybe you should go talk to her," Minto replied slyly. Retasu blushed.

"I'm not a soppy, Minto! But, what do I say to her? What if I make it worse? You know her better, Minto. Why don't you go?" she retaliated. While the two teenagers argued quietly, neither of them noticed the tall, slim figure appear at the bottom of the staircase. He had short, messy blonde hair and vivid, turquoise blue eyes. Dressed in his usual white suit pants and black vest with high collar, he'd probably just woken from an afternoon nap.

Ichigo relied on the broom handle to hold her weight. If she wasn't gripping it tightly in her white-knuckled, trembling hands, she would've fallen to the floor already. It wasn't just her hands that were shaking. Her entire body was trembling from shock. It pulsed through her veins, making the blood pump around her small body. Her cheeks were white as snow and still paling. The warmth had flooded from her normally cheerful eyes. She was cold all over. Her fingers were numb. Her heart raced a hundred miles an hour, like she'd just jumped off a cliff and was hurtling to the rocky ground below, with nothing to catch her fall.

Ichigo stood in her whirling feelings of helplessness and loss. Her hands tightened around the broom handle as she replayed the conversation again in her mind. Tears slipped down her frozen cheeks. This moment… she had never expected it. In all her horrid nightmares, Aoyama Masaya had never left her like this. It was unbelievable. It was impossible!

Retasu glanced back into the cafés main room and spotted the figure making his way across the floor to where Ichigo stood.

"Oh no!" she gasped. "Ryou!"

"Ichigo's in trouble now…" Minto muttered.

"Baka Strawberry!" Ryou snapped, noticing his usual perky waitress had seemingly become lost in the simple task of mopping the floor. He strode over.

"Have you forgotten how to clean, or something?" he asked patronisingly. "Guess it wouldn't surprise me. I'm surprised you even remembered where the mop lived."

To his surprise, instead of going red in the face and exploding, as she would normally do, Ichigo remained silent, staring straight ahead at something on the wall with wide, shocked eyes. Ryou followed her gaze. Seeing nothing, he looked at her.

"Well, don't just stand there, baka! Get back to work. Or I'll dock your pay."

He was unimpressed when she failed to react. Ryou crossed his arms and stood directly in front of her.

"Ichigo!" he snapped loudly, waving his hand in her face. She blinked a few times, steadied her gaze and focused it on him. A momentary look of surprise crossed his cool face. She wasn't her normal self, he could tell straight away. Her eyes had lost their warmth. He wouldn't let it get to him, though.

"What are you doing, baka? You're supposed to be working. I suggest you do so before I dock your pay for a month," Ryou threatened. The broom handle slipped from her hands and clattered to the floor. He cursed and jumped back.

"What's wrong with you, idiot! Pay attention to your work and pick up the mop! Finish this and clean the dishes for Keiichiro," Ryou yelled. Each word made Ichigo flinch, like a slap to her face. She stumbled away from him like a terrified rabbit, losing her footing and crashing to the floor. Ryou made an attempt to grab her, but missed.

"Get up! I don't know what's gotten into you today, but I'll not have it affecting your waitressing! Stop wasting my time and get up! Now!" he shouted, becoming annoyed. Suddenly coming to, Ichigo leapt to her feet.

"Oh, dear," Retasu said from the kitchen door.

"Ryou shouldn't have said that," Minto agreed.

"Should we help?" Retasu asked. Before Minto replied, a shout interrupted them.

"All I ever do is waste my time here!" Ichigo yelled. "What benefits do I get out of running around this place at your constant beck and call? None! I'm the only one who ever does anything around here, and you still pick up any tiny thing I do wrong! Well, I've had enough! I quit!"

She ripped off her apron and threw it at the feet of her bewildered boss, storming towards the door.

"Ichigo! You can't quit! You're a vital part of this team. Get back here!" Ryou shouted after her. He'd just noticed her tear-stained cheeks, and alarm pierced his heart. What exactly had happened to make her so upset? He'd seen her sad before, but never that unhappy.

Retasu and Minto watched his tall figure hurry out of the café after their infuriated friend, expressions of awe and shock fixed upon their faces. They looked at each other in amazement.

"Girls, is something the matter?" Keiichiro asked, coming through the back door with a bag of groceries.

Ichigo ran as fast as she could, not really paying any attention as to where she was going. All she knew was that she had to get as far away from Café Mew Mew, and especially Ryou, as fast as she possibly could. The afternoon was settling into evening, and the warm day was undergoing a cool change into what would become quite a frosty night.

Where can I go? Ichigo wondered. Shirogane is following me. He already knows where I live, and besides, I don't feel like seeing Mom or Dad right now. The second place he'll check is the park… considering it's where I usually hang out when I'm in a bad mood. Hang on… Zakuro will have finished her photo shoot by now. I hope she's home…

Ichigo made a sharp right turn down a side street and bolted down it, the cat inside her releasing its instincts. Her pace increased, her senses sharpened. Her heart raced with both horror and adrenaline, as night fell around her. The musky purple sky faded slowly into a deep velvet blue. She had no idea what the time was, or how long it had been since she left the café. Or whether Shirogane was still chasing her.

Ichigo stopped when she came to Zakuro's large house. The street around her was silent. Shirogane must have gone back to the café. Good, she thought. A sole cicada chirped a lonesome song in the grass nearby. The lament made her heart feel heavier. It was as though, on this particular day, the rest of the world had decided to feel lost and alone as well. She felt no better about herself, or the situation she was in. Every time his name came into her messed up head, her heart panged with deep sadness and anger.

Ichigo walked through the gates and up to the front door, her heart residing to a slow thud as her breath returned. She rang the doorbell, shivering with cold. She'd never felt so awake at night before. Adrenaline made her heartbeat throb at her temple. Her red hair had blown askew in the wind as she'd run.

The door swung open and a petite little maid dressed in a simple black dress with a white apron peered out.

"I'm here to see Zakuro… is she home?" Ichigo asked hopefully. The maid nodded, bowed respectfully and stepped back to let her inside.

"Did you find her?" Retasu asked when Ryou returned.

"No."

He sank into a heart shaped chair and rested his head in his hands. Minto and Retasu exchanged sad glances. Ryou was furious at himself for yelling at her like that. He wanted to punch himself.

"Perhaps we should send out a search party," Keiichiro suggested, finishing the washing up himself. Ryou shook his head.

"No," he replied. "She's not missing. She just doesn't want to be found."

"Oh, I hope Ichigo's in safe hands," Retasu said, worry in her soft voice.

"You girls can go home now," Keiichiro told them, stacking plates. "You didn't have to stay this long. You can have the afternoon off tomorrow."

"Wait," Ryou called. "Before you leave. What... happened to Ichigo?"

"You don't know?" Minto asked, incredulous. She shared a glance with Retasu, looking back with reluctance. "Masaya broke up with her."

"He's going to England tomorrow," Retasu added. Ryou couldn't help but grin inside. He'd never liked Masaya. He always felt he didn't appreciate Ichigo enough. Not that I'd do any better… he thought. No wonder she was so down.

"It's getting late," he said to the two girls. "You should probably get going."

"Let us know if you hear anything from Ichigo," Retasu replied. "Goodnight, Akasaka-san."

"Goodnight, girls," Keiichiro bade them farewell. Once the door had shut behind them, Ryou turned to his friend.

"Perhaps you were a little too hard on Ichigo," Keiichiro commented.

Ryou sighed. "I shouldn't have yelled at her like that," he agreed. "It was too rough for her."

Silence fell between the two friends. Keiichiro hung up the dishcloth.

"Do you think she'll come back, Keiichiro?" Ryou asked quietly.

"Well… it's hard to say. From what I've heard from the girls she was quite angry. But, she's a virtuous leader, Ryou. I have faith in her. She'll come back," the dark haired young man replied, smiling reassuringly. Ryou was quiet, thinking about everything that had happened.

So perfect Masaya broke her heart… he'd better not show his face here again. Besides the fact that Ichigo would probably have a melt down, I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from bashing his face in…

Shirogane Ryou kept a secret deep inside himself. He'd never told anyone. Not even Keiichiro.

Ryou had fallen in love with Ichigo. No matter how hard he had tried to dissuade the feelings, he couldn't help himself. He had lost the battle the minute her sweet face had appeared on their research screen, that day when Ichigo had been out on her first date with Masaya to the Red Data Animal exhibition, so long ago.

Since then his feelings had grown inside him, troubling him every time he heard her say his name. Every time he saw them together he wanted to hit something. Every time she smiled, knowing it was not for him, he wanted to scream. But he didn't. Instead he retreated to the isolated safety of his bedroom, or busied himself with research for the Mew Project. But he couldn't do that anymore. There was only so much hiding he could do.

A deep hatred was starting to burn inside Ryou. A hatred for Masaya, for leaving Ichigo lost, alone and confused… and a hatred for himself, for treating her the way he had. The only way he had been able to hide his feelings from her was to shield them behind jeering snideness. A face he put on so she would believe he hated her. It was painful watching her stress over something he'd said, or something he'd done to upset her, when all he really wanted to do was make her smile.

Now, more than ever, all Ryou wanted to do was see her. To tell her that everything would be okay. He knew that in her present state she needed someone to ground her. Someone to give her reason to trust that the sun would shine in her world again. Someone she could lean on… to be her rock.

If only he could be that someone.

"Ichigo… are you alright?" Zakuro asked in surprise when the red haired girl entered her room. She looked up from her patchwork to see the normally over-the-top bouncy feline deprived of her usual joy. Her eyes were dark. Her hair hung limp. She was utterly exhausted.

"I just… Zakuro…" Ichigo murmured. Zakuro quickly put aside what she was doing to stand up. She put her arms around Ichigo's shoulders and sat her down on the edge of the bed. There were dark rings underneath Ichigo's eyes.

"What's wrong?" Zakuro asked, sitting back down. Her long, violet hair shone in the dim light emanating from her desk lamp. Her wise, dark, knowing eyes scanned her younger friend with calm concern. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"… Late," Ichigo muttered. "Masaya… Aoyama-kun… no… Aoyama… he… he…"

"What did he do?" Zakuro asked gently. Ichigo was obviously very troubled.

"H-he's gone… leaving," Ichigo replied in a dazed voice. "Tomorrow… he's going to England."

Zakuro took a sharp intake of breath. This was something she hadn't expected.

"He broke up with you, didn't he?" she said quietly, already knowing the answer. Ichigo burst into tears, hugging her knees.

Zakuro sighed. The number of girls she had seen broken by boys who had played with their hearts had taught her not to trust humans of the male gender. Besides Shirogane and Akasaka, she didn't let herself grow close to any boys. Her heart went out to her cat-girl friend. Being the wise friend everyone looked up to, she knew all the right things to say at the right time.

"Ichigo, he didn't mean to break your heart. But he had a choice to make. Obviously, his education means a lot to him. You know it in your heart; Masaya would never mean to hurt you. Not after what you shared. He cared about you. And who knows? Maybe when he's finished his university courses he'll come back to find you. If a boy really cares about you, he doesn't just let you go like that," she said.

Ichigo raised her tear-lined face from her knees and looked at her. Zakuro smiled a small smile.

"Really?" she wavered, seeking reassurance. Zakuro got up from the chair and made herself comfortable beside her friend.

"You're just confused because it was sudden. Don't worry, Ichigo. Things will improve. It always gets worse before it gets better. Tonight's the worst of it. Stay here this evening and I promise it will be better in the morning," she said. Ichigo stared at the floor, lost in her thoughts. Several moments later she let herself flop back against the cushiony pillows, where she watched shadows dance across the shaded roof.

"Zakuro, why do you do patchwork?" Ichigo asked presently. Zakuro reached for it, as if reminded, and began stitching again.

"Well… I like to have something I can do to get away from everything. Sometimes I just get sick of modelling, and sick of waitressing, and sick of saving Tokyo, and sick of being busy. My life gets so hectic sometimes that I just want to stop time and slow down a little bit. Sewing and patchwork really take me away from all that. It's just something I can do that's relaxing, time consuming and accomplishing," Zakuro explained. "Plus it adds sentimental value to the work. Having something homemade with love and time and effort sewn into the stitches is much nicer than buying something from a store. Things made with love are things I really treasure."

She looked to smile at Ichigo to find the cat-girl fast asleep, curled up in a comfortable ball with her cute face nestled on a plush cushion. Zakuro moved carefully off the bed, setting down her patchwork and flicking off the light. Her slim figure was silhouetted in the doorway to her bedroom before she quietly shut the door, leaving Ichigo sleeping peacefully.

"Morning, Keiichiro."

The long, brown pony-tailed chef seemed surprised when he entered the kitchen the next morning to discover his best friend still seated in the same chair he had left him in the previous evening when he'd retreated to bed.

"Please tell me you got some sleep last night, Ryou," Keiichiro replied.

"Well, now, the problem with that is, that would be lying," Ryou said simply. Keiichiro frowned, heading to the refrigerator.

"So, are you going to tell her?" he asked, starting to prepare their breakfast. Ryou's head snapped up like lightning. He sent his friend a suspicious look.

"Tell who what? Retasu and Minto know they don't have to come in this afternoon. Zakuro's been alerted of her shift after lunch tomorrow, and Purin is away with her siblings on vacation. They left this morning," he replied. "And I don't think Ichigo's in the mood to hear how much I hate her at the moment. Wouldn't that do wonders for her self esteem?"

"Ryou, how long have you known me for?" Keiichiro asked, a little exasperated.

"Too long," Ryou joked. His wise, brown haired friend turned around, a serious expression on his face.

"Exactly. I know you inside out; like a book. I know you love her."

Ryou felt the bottom of his stomach drop away. Was it that obvious? He glanced away as a pink tinge flushed his cheeks.

"Are you going to tell her?" Keiichiro asked again. "I think she has the right to know."

Shirogane rose from his seat, suddenly eager to get outside.

"I'll be back later," he said lightly. "We need to replace the supplies. The market's open on Saturdays, isn't it?"

"Ryou…" Keiichiro trailed off, unhappy that he was avoiding the conversation.

"If any of the girls come in, tell them I'll be back before lunch," Ryou continued, with a great air of casualness.

Keiichiro scowled. "You mean Ichigo?" he guessed, but Ryou was conveniently out of earshot. The door to the café slammed behind him, and Keiichiro let out a great sigh.

He'd replaced the supplies the day before.

Ryou wandered along the deserted, paved slate footpath, scuffing stones with his shoes every now and then. Annoying, confusing, frustrating thoughts whirled around his head. Where was Ichigo? Was she alright? How was she feeling? Would she ever come back to the café?

Would he ever see her again?

He followed the sandy paths through the park Ichigo had gone to so often to be alone. Ryou felt the need to be close to her bubble inside him. Being in the park where she'd spent so much of her time made him feel he was almost walking beside her… that at any moment he could look over and see her smiling face; red hair shining in the morning sun, brown eyes sparkling with excitement and happiness. Each step he took sent a painful jab of agony into his heart. He desperately wanted to fix things with her. But there just didn't seem to be any possible way.

Ryou made it through the park and wallowed towards the market. The more time he spent procrastinating, the more time it would take him to return to the café, and the less time there would be for Keiichiro to interrogate him.

I can't believe he knows…

The marketplace spread out before him like a life sized map. Bright coloured tents were propped up in neat rows. People drifted from stall to stall, some wandering absent mindedly, others searching briskly for specific ingredients. Ryou allowed himself to be swept along with the crowd. Sometimes he just wanted to walk and walk and walk forever… walk away from all his troubles and all his mistakes… to a place where none of it would matter. A place where that silly, frustrating, incredibly dense… gorgeous strawberry couldn't get into his head.

"Shirogane-san!" a voice called. Ryou suddenly turned, surprised. Through the crowd he could see the shining green hair of shy Retasu. She hurried towards him and bowed respectfully.

"Good morning," Ryou greeted mildly. Retasu blushed, as was her custom.

"Have you heard anything from Ichigo yet?" the girl asked worriedly. A shadow of darkness flitted through his eyes.

"No. Not yet."

"Minto called me this morning to tell me that she was safe. Zakuro rang the café this morning, but no one answered. Ichigo is staying with her at the moment," Retasu said. "I just wondered if Ichigo had returned to the café yet."

Ryou cursed himself for not turning over the café phones that morning.

"No, she hasn't come back yet," he replied. "Hopefully she will soon, though."

"Well, I suppose I can't really stay and chat any more. I've got to cook lunch today and we're running low on fresh fruit," Retasu said awkwardly. Her face was as red as a beetroot.

"Guess I'll see you 'round," Ryou replied flatly.

"Shirogane-san, are you sure you don't want me to come and work this afternoon? I'm really not very busy," Retasu offered. "I just feel so guilty knowing that I would normally be working…"

"No, no. It's fine, Midorikawa. Enjoy your afternoon, okay?" Ryou said. She bowed again and disappeared into the crowd.

Ryou drifted slowly back to the entrance of the marketplace. So Ichigo was safe. His heart lifted and some of his anxiety settled. But he still worried for her mentality and well being. Knowing that she was in the capable hands of trustworthy Zakuro raised his spirits a little and he began to head back towards the café.

Afterword

So, what did you think? I hope it was alright. I have to get running now; we're going swimming, as it's nearly summer in Australia!

The review button's right there! Don't make me tempt you with it!

Review review review!

Much love,

xx

Cherrie-Sakura

(September 21, 2007.)

New Afterword

Wow. Re-reading through that had me seriously cringing in places. There's so much that - had I the opportunity to re-write now - I would fix; Masaya's being disgustingly OOC (Ryou, too, actually), the stereotypical cliched beginning of a R/I romance fic, where Ichigo gets spontaneously dumped by Masaya and runs to Ryou for comfort... Sometimes I can't believe some of the stuff I wrote. I know it gets worse too - Saki, when she comes in, is the biggest Sue on the planet, and just about every Kish/Ichigo shipper must have hated me for my portrayal of him. But hey, it was consistent with his character in the anime, so sue me. :P

I'm looking forward to completing the revisions of this fic, and completing it, if I ever get around to it. If that day comes, I hope you'll still be on board.

Until then, thanks for reading!

With love,

Cherrie xx

(January 18, 2012.)