JK Rowling owns the rights to Harry Potter, et al. Everything else is mine. No touchy.

This is my go at a fanfic100, Harry Potter style, centering around Lucius and Narcissa. I'll post ten at a time since lumping them all together would just be cruel on your eyes. They go from being snarky to serious and back to snarky again so there's something for everyone, I hope. Enjoy!

Lucius sat in his room at Malfoy Manner pining over the dungdomb of an arranged marriage announcement to Narcissa Black. Not even his boar's hair hairbrush and peroxide could cheer him up today. All he could think of was what he could possibly do about it—

Killing her: One Avada Kedavra curse.

Aftermath: Disposal of one body and possible death of two parents.

Upside: Moot marriage contract.

Downside: Life term in Azkaban and/or death.

Can't risk hair.

Conclusion: Make her life a living hell—priceless!

Methods:

Crucio—Again, Azkabansplit ends.

Ignorenagging.

Cold demeanor—possibility.

Future child a hate scapegoat—Bingo!

#1—Herbology

Lucius found a slug in his soil during Herbology one day. Gagging at the thought of touching it, he made Goyle grab it and slip it into Narcissa's pot.

She wasn't paying all that much attention when transferring soil and overzealously flung dirt in the direction of her second pot. The dirt, and slug, overshot the pot and connected with Lucius; the dirt on his hands and the slug slapping his cheek.

A high-pitched scream resounded around the greenhouse. Narcissa turned and saw Lucius, arms flailing, and screaming. Her jaw dropped.

"That's my future husband? Does he even create testosterone?"

#75—Yodel

Lucius stood in front of a mirror looking into crazed eyes and watching himself shake, his wand twitching in his hand.

"Lucius, are you ok?" Goyle was standing in the doorway.

"I can't take it. I can't marry her."

"There are better ways—"

"She yodels, Goyle! Yodels!"

Lucius rushed at him, grabbing Goyle's collar, his eyes wild and hair crazed. Roots were starting to show.

"Lucie, lets lookie in the library. You need to calmies now."

Lucius put his head on Goyle's shoulder, his thumb in his mouth and wept while Goyle patted his hair and ushered him away.

#16—Dragonhide Gloves

Narcissa, infuriated by the way Lucius had been treating her since finding out about their marriage arrangement, grabbed one of Lucius's own dragonhide gloves off of the arm of the sofa and slapped him across the face with it.

"Maybe now you'll start showing me some respect. Nothing can get you out of this."

Lucius said nothing but stared, slack-jawed, up at the crazy blonde standing in front of him. She kept talking but he heard none of what she was saying. He didn't care about blood purity or family name. The inbreeding had curdled the Blacks. Witch was nuts.

#2—Muggle Studies

Lucius was face down on his table, his forehead resting on a piece of parchment he should have been taking notes on. He didn't know what was worse: learning muggle medicines that he couldn't pronounce or listening to Narcissa snipe under her breath to her friends.

"Seriously, is there a reason we need to take Muggle Studies? What use is it? Muggles are only good for practicing curses on."

As much as her voice made him twitch, he couldn't help but agree. That thought alone gave him a headache. He groaned and tried to settle himself deeper into the table.

#26—Quill

Narcissa sat in the library, quill in hand, researching for her next test. She had been trying to catch Lucius's eye in a more positive light for some time now but her efforts were failing and she was getting frustrated. Her concentration was lacking. She tried to shake it off but the thoughts kept coming back to her—her life with him. If he didn't wise up soon, her future may not be as pleasant as she imagined it would be. She kept rereading the same line of her text while silently flirting with the idea of a love potion.

#59—Ignore

Narcissa had offered him everything from pumpkin pasties to a piece of her glazed ham from dinner. He didn't know why but Lucius attempted to ignore her all the same. But she was getting persistent. Dropping hints was more like hurling boulders. He got the feeling she was trying to feed him something and made a conscious effort to eat only what he had gotten himself. She was getting aggravated by this and kept trying to force a piece of cake on him at dinner.

"I'm on a diet. Now piss off!"

She threw the cake aside and stormed off.

#55—Egg On

The Dark Lord was egging him on, trying to coax him to get Narcissa to join his ranks. Voldemort knew she was weak but wanted the bodies. The more he could brand, the better.

But Lucius thought on it. Narcissa had always been reluctant to join the Death Eaters. He knew she wouldn't be able to handle it and very nearly resented her for that.

"My Lord, she's not like her sister. She'd be of no use to you."

"I'll be the judge of that. Just bring her to me."

"Yes, my Lord."

Lucius would pay to see this show.

#13—Quidditch

"Father, I need to get on the Quidditch team. Potter's been on a year already and Slytherin needs a new Seeker."

"Dumbledore doesn't bend the rules for the right people. Perhaps a gift to the team would suffice."

"Lucius, don't you think Draco should at least try out for the team? It looks like you're buying—"

"Shut up, Narcissa. The team could do with better brooms and Draco's a natural athlete. You've kept him out of Durmstrang. Don't keep him away from this."

Lucius' eyes alone told Narcissa to leave it be. She hated his demented idea of fathering.

#7—Care of Magical Creatures

"My son was mauled by a hippogriff and you expect me to calm down? I'll have the thing beheaded!"

"Lucius, it could have been an accident and the cut wasn't that bad—"

"I can't believe they let that incompetent half-breed teach children. This is all Dumbledore's doing, that filthy muggle lover. He has a soft spot for ineptitude. I'll have that giant's job and the hippogriff's head for this."

"What happened to our normal Care of Magical Creatures class? They used to be fairly interesting."

"Dumbledore happened, Narcissa. We just weren't there long enough to feel his mudblood-loving effects."