Here is the final section of the survival guide. If you're a vampire living in Santa Carla, be sure to heed these tips. It could get ugly if you don't. Man, I can't tell you how hard to was to maintain this level of snark for this long. It's exhausting! I can only write comedy in small doses. Anyway, enjoy!

1. Just because you're immortal doesn't mean you're infallible. They're not called weaknesses because they make you stronger.

2. It's ok to be self-confident but hitting on another guy's girl right in front of him, not good. Sure, you can easily snuff him from the picture but karma doesn't skip vampires. I'm looking at you, David.

3. Taunt authority within reason. If they cross the line, so do you. It's only fair.

4. It wouldn't hurt to give yourself a challenge when hunting to deviate from the monotony of immortality. Really, how hard was the fat guy in the parking lot?

5. Choose a hairstyle that can easily transcend time. While mullets are recommended by three out of four Lost Boys, it's not exactly a classic look.

6. Keep leather softener on hand at all times. It will eventually be used in one way or another.

7. Smug isn't a good look on anyone. Drop it.

8. Vampire does not equal invincible so stop acting like your shit don't stink. I'm sure a sold hit from a Greyhound could be just as efficient as a stake through the heart.

9. Avoid antlers and anyone that practices taxidermy.

10. Being a vampire does not automatically bless you with good hair. Therefore, a stock of gel, mousse, hair spray and leave-in conditioner is always helpful. But never tell anyone about the effort.

11. Steal from your victims. That's much easier than having to actually work in order to supe up your bike.

12. Smoke cigarettes. It makes you look badder and its not like you're going to die from cancer anyway.

13. Goad your head vampire in public within reason. Bopping his employees just to spite him is up to you.

14. Look up 'fashion victim' in the dictionary and stop borrowing Sam's clothes. Someone of your size doesn't need shoulder pads or black and white-checked anything.

15. Master the Glare of Death. Beating the shit out of your boys in public could raise eyebrows.

16. Vow to make new lady employee your wife. Nothing can go wrong there, right?

17. As a means of roping her in, dupe her kids into joining the family too. Because your family isn't unstable enough, you need two more kids from a broken home to shake things up a bit.

18. Watch your jacket. If it's too long, it'll just get sucked into your wheels and there's just no way you can coolly explain your way out of that one.

19. Dangle your Star-bait in front of the googly-eyed boy chasing after her. It'll only make him want her more which is what your daddy told you to do.

20. Don't mock Max's demented sense of family dynamics. He'll only smite you.

21. Choose your pack mates wisely. Weak-willed gypsies and ten-year-old kids aren't exactly the smartest additions. Weakest links much?

22. Treat the lead Surf Nazi and his bitch like a Cadbury Crème Egg. You have to chip away at the hard exterior before you get to the ooey, gooey center. At least a Crème Egg doesn't scream when you bite into it.

23. Only show your home to trusted members of your family. If too many people know where you live, it defeats the purpose of a secret hideout and opens you up to such unpleasantries as death.

24. Power play Star at all times. As if she'll stand up to you. If she does, beat her.

25. Poke at the new kid. You know he won't back down if you challenge him, regardless of what you make him do.

26. If Michael crashes on the way to the cliff, take what you can get and leave him be. You didn't do it, no one saw you, it can't be proven.

27. You know you can fly gracefully off of a cliff and survive. You can't remember if mortals can or not. If they can't, now would be a good time to test their bounceability.

28. Tell the newcomer the full history of your home although there's really no logical reason why you should know that information. Don't worry. Michael's too thick to catch on anyway.

29. When you're ordered to fetch food for the others, grin and bear it. While you're out, slip laxatives into David's food. People thought it was bad for a human…

30. Peer pressure Michael with pot. He'd do it if it were formaldehyde.

31. Insist your guests eat. It's only proper…and the blood tastes better on a full stomach.

32. Employ a midget to walk around with a spotlight to shine on you during all the right moments. You're the leader of the pack. You deserve it.

33. Tell David to get his own damn food next time.

34. Tell Paul to chew with his mouth closed before he starts drooling on himself.

35. Tell David to get up off his ass and get the wine himself.

36. Tell Michael to 'be one of us.' He won't get it anyway.

37. Remind yourself to duct tape Star to a jagged rock for interfering.

38. Silently rejoice that Michael is stupid enough to not listen to her.

39. Tell Paul not to chant with his mouth full. He's spitting General Tso's on the cave floor.

40. Have your personal monkey push you around to impress Michael.

41. Shave off David's eyebrows in the day for treating you like a worker chimp.

42. Get laid…repeatedly.

43. Taunt Michael some more. It's too much fun to stop and it's just too easy.

44. Have Star pierce his ear. It won't make him any cooler but perhaps he could actually benefit from another hole in the head.

45. Remind Michael that trainers and leather jackets don't mix.

46. Tie Michael's shoelaces together. He's been embarrassed a few times already. Why stop not? Play 'Jump' in the process. Buy Ritalin when done.

47. Force Michael to dangle from a train trestle. The noob will do anything to get into Star's pants.

48. Grab onto Michael's legs before you drop. His face alone would be worth getting kicked.

49. Grin and bear it when Max says he wants to make Lucy his wife. He's eaten three of them already but just humor him…again.

50. Further taunt the new kid by fucking with him at his home. No other way to say 'hey' than by making you insecure in your own house.

51. Take all kites, and anything with sharp edges, away from the boys. They'll only put someone's eye out.

52. Feed Thorn. It's never good to let a Hound of Hell go Hungry. They need to eat too and you don't want DETEA (Demons for the Ethical Treatment of Evil Animals) on your ass again.

53. Brood silently. Chicks dig the dark and mysterious get-up.

54. Bang your head against the wall when Max says he really does want Michael as part of the family. You were just playing with your food before you ate it.

55. Pop some nitrates. Your blood pressure will rise at your dinner at Lucy's.

56. Beware of Grandpa.

57. Have your nose checked. If you can't smell the different between raw garlic and Parmesan cheese, chances are you have something wedged up there. As if the whole room wouldn't stink…

58. Look up the definition of 'tacky' and then re-evaluate your home décor and choice of pick-up lines.

59. Team up with Michael to hone your Connect-The-Dots skills. Here are three kids that are slamming you with vampire tests. Either you're an excellent actor or the guy that pulls the warning flag out in your head is on strike.

60. Humans are not bananas. We do not need to be peeled in order to be eaten. You're just creating more work for yourself.

61. Stock up on your outfit of choice. Feeding is a messy thing and there's next to nothing that gets blood stains out. Club soda does, of course, but that's just totally emasculating.

62. Don't burn the bodies of your victims. That smell isn't exactly inconspicuous.

63. Stock up on lobster bibs. They'll help you out in the mess department.

64. So will moist towelettes.

65. A travel sewing kit could also come in handy to repair any tears your victims may cause before they die. Sometimes you just have to feed and go, no time to change. You have to be prepared.

66. Laugh at the dork sucking sand. C'mon. Who wouldn't?

67. Take an interest in Michael's brother. Chances are, he knows something. The stupid gene seemed to stop with Michael.

68. Stop showboating. You're not helping yourself any.

69. Invest in full body armor. You'll thank me later.

70. Glade air fresheners could be beneficial in covering up that nasty decomposing stench wafting off your body. Nothing wrong with smelling pretty. Better than smelling like curdled death.

71. Be a little more aware of your surroundings. You visit the Boardwalk every night. There are two kids that work in a comic book shop there that are obsessed with hunting vampires and wear that fact on their sleeves. A pre-emptive strike would have been understandable here.

72. Invest in ADT. They're able to wire pretty much anything and if you're that vulnerable during the day, it's better to be safe than staked.

73. Install a stainless steel reinforced door in your sleeping lair, complete with combination lock. Remember to install plumbing inside the lair to prevent embarrassing accidents because you couldn't remember the code to get out.

74. On that note, keep the code in a safe place that's easily accessible. You smoke way too much pot to be trusted to remember a combination.

75. If you wake up to your friend gushing his life substance onto the floor, don't warn the intruders that they're dead meat. I'm pretty sure they're aware of that fact. Just attack. Too many villains have met their demise because they couldn't keep their mouths shut.

76. Avoid sunlight, blind rage be damned. You're a vampire. I would think this would be a no-brainer for you.

77. Exact revenge for your friend…with caution. As if these kids aren't going to hunker down and prepare for your undead onslaught. They're not about to sit out on the porch with a banner saying 'bite me.'

78. Think before you act. That way you always have a smart move.

79. Stay out of reach of your victims until you're ready to pounce. While you're busy mocking, they're busy plotting.

80. Once you disarm your victim, now would be a good time to strike. Stop talking to them and eat them. They're too scared to move anyway.

81. If you see a tub filled with water and garlic, back away. Chances are it's not Poland Spring and knowing you're luck, you'll slip and fall in it of your own accord.

82. If you see a big dog running at you, don't just stand there. You're a vampire. You have superhuman speed. Use it.

83. Should you be outsmarted by a dog while your friend's killers are cowering at your feet, you deserve to disintegrate in holy water.

84. If it's death by water, exact revenge by causing death to plumbing.

85. Should you grab hold of your victim, don't stand there laughing at him. Your inaction will come back to bite you in the ass.

86. Recognize the fact that the victim who's head you're holding is reaching for something. Chances are it's not candy.

87. Don't play dead. You're not an opossum. You're just wasting precious time.

88. If someone has a bow and arrow aimed at your chest, don't walk directly at it. The arrow is not made of feathers and won't tickle. You might as well just impale yourself on it.

89. Fleshi-O's are not a good look on anyone. Avoid mixing metal arrowheads, your body and electricity. Refer to rule number one for more information.

90. Prodding your rival into vamping out works to your advantage. Not only does he not know how to fly very well, you have the leg up on age, strength and vampire wisdom. You're sure to come out on top! (If you couldn't grasp the sarcasm, reread.)

91. Less talk, more fight. They're not called famous last words for nothing.

92. Don't stop to think about Michael's 'so is mine' statement. Such an insightful bunch of words is shocking from such a character but he'll use that against you. Don't let him catch you off guard.

93. Weep because your long vampire life was cut short by a half vampire that's four days old. That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut.

94. Be surprised when your supposedly intelligent pack leader gets axed by a bunch of pre-pubescent zits. Vow to find smarter vampire candidates to replace them. Demand SAT scores and IQ test results.

95. When the hell will you vampires learn to shut the fuck up and slaughter people already? Good lord. Is it necessary to divulge your plan to people? Do you think they care or do you just like to listen to yourself speak?

96. Do not take your time in turning your mortal love interest. Delays cost.

97. Do not attempt to catch the truck backing through the side of the house. It may contain sharp things.

98. Again, you're a vampire with superhuman speed. If you see a horde of pointy poles coming at your body, don't stand there and gawk at them. Band-aids won't help you if you don't move.

99. Work out all the kinks before putting your evil plan into action. You'll save everyone a lot of mess and trouble in the end. May I recommend a brief survey or, oh, I don't know, being a little more observant? One should be aware of so many things…

100. Don't overstay your welcome. The natives will get restless if you do.

Reviews are always appreciated.