As I look down the hallway, my eyes connect with hers. She immediately slows her pace, letting her friends in front of her by half a step. She carefully makes tiny steps to the left as she walks forward.
Sirius is chattering away about something to my right. She looks away and continues with her own conversation, still a pace behind them.
We walk towards each other, pretending to be engrossed in our own conversations. Although, honestly, I cannot concentrate on whatever Sirius is prattling on about. All my mind can focus on is her. As we pass by each other our hands almost brush, but not quite. They're close enough to send my brain flying in all directions and extra heat radiating from my hand. I'm almost sure that if we had actually touched it would've caught on fire. I fix my eyes straight ahead and nod slightly at Sirius. I resist the urge to turn around, just to see her again. It's so hard but I know that if I looked at her, I wouldn't be able to control myself and everything would be destroyed.
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Our little group hangs out in the common room. We talk of tests and professors. I try not to catch her eye. I try and stare at her as little as possible. Just looking at her, I want to take her into my arms and kiss her until we can't breathe anymore, but I know that's not possible so I contain myself. When she says something funny, I laugh with the group. I make sure not to laugh too long or too short. Not too loud or too soft. I don't want anyone to know that I'm in love with this girl, and I don't want them to think that I hate her. For then our group would become weird and strained, and that's not something I'm willing to give up right now. Not for something that could slip through my fingers too easily.
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Tonight she wears her striped pajama pants and a white t-shirt. Nothing overly fancy, but yet my heart almost stops at the sight of her. She slips into my bed silently, I've been lying awake for her cursing each and every minute that the rest of them are awake, because it means less time with her. Tonight we talk about the stars. She says she wants to believe that they are people who have passed away, that's what her mother always told her. I tell her to believe it and disregard what our professors have taught us. She was always told that magic wasn't real, so who are they to tell her that stars aren't the souls of the deceased?
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During our free period she sits with him. He says something funny and she laughs. It's not the fake laugh that she sometimes uses with the people that come up to her in the hallway and tell her of their latest adventure. It's her real laugh, the one I long to hear, the one I want to cause. I write my paper on some potion that Slughorn has assigned us. I don't sneak glances at her. I won't let myself because then I'd see her laughing at him and that would just result in me punching him. While it would be good for me, it would upset Lily, a most unwanted thing. I can feel her looking at me every once in awhile. When I feel her eyes on me, my blood stars to flow and the adrenaline starts pumping. But I keep my cool. I let nothing show. I don't write her little love notes, no significant wistful looks across the room. My pulse racing when she looks at me is enough. It's in our veins, this thing we have. No one can touch it there.
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Tonight she is just wearing a nightgown, simple white cotton with some kind of design all over it that's hard to make out in the none-existent light. She smiles as she kisses me and I'm happy. She lays in my arms and tells me about the future. How she wants to work for the Ministry, doing some sort of charm work. I agree and tell her she's be very good at it. She says she wants to travel to Russia. She says she wants to get married someday and have a child. She's careful not to say who with, but as I listen to her describe her perfect life, I like to imagine that it's me that she sees in her dream standing next to her.
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I excuse myself from the debate going on in the common room over what should be done about the rising dark lord. I confess that I don't have an answer, so when my stomach rumbles I decide to head to the kitchens. I know she sees me leave. I walk slowly, knowing that she may follow after me, but she may wait a minute or two or ten as to not make it obvious. However, she might have noticed and not followed. I tell myself that it doesn't matter if she comes or not because I am hungry. Even though I cannot walk any slower, I still find myself at the stairs. I reluctantly walk down the stairs quickly, before they should decide to change. Sadly, I realize that she's not coming. My heart slows and I can feel my bones begin to freeze to the core. She has decided to stay, with him. I tell myself that it's fine, that it doesn't mean anything, but my heart refuses to beat at its normal pace. I disregard it and walk at my normal pace.
Suddenly, I hear footsteps behind me. I do not turn around, should the little lost 1st or 2nd year think that I am afraid of them. Then I feel someone's arms wrap around my stomach. I stop and turn around to see Lily, her face flushed but her eyes sparkling. She stands on her toes, her face towards mine and I can feel her lips on mine before mine even touch hers. I pour everything I have into that kiss because I know that words are dangerous. Words can be heard and distorted, but this kiss is just between me and her. It's safe. I whisper her name once before she turns back and goes to the common room and I continue on my journey to the kitchens, my heart beating a little faster than normal.
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Tonight is different. She doesn't talk, and she lies stiffly in my arms. I know that this is not a good sign. I don't want to believe it. For my very own good I try to deny all the things she's telling me with her unresponsiveness. I lie awake with her in my arms wondering how long it will be.
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Today is different too. I do not feel her eyes on me as I work on another essay for McGonagall. She laughs like normal and she seems happy from the stream of chatter that graces his ears. I feel like I should be crying or flinging something across the room in a fit of rage. Yet all I can do is continue my essay. Something so easy for someone as numb as me.
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Tonight she doesn't come.
And I'm sure tomorrow won't come for me either.
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I lie awake in bed, like I've done for weeks now. Sleep never comes, never grants me its presence. I go over every little detail of our time together, wondering what happened. I come to the same conclusion, I just wasn't good enough. It wasn't meant to be.
Then I hear someone. I'm alert, wondering who's awake at this hour. My bed hangings pull to the side and someone slips into my bed and pulls them closed.
That beautiful girl stares into my face and tells me that she loves me. She buries herself in my neck, begging for some kind of comfort. I quickly wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her too. She says she doesn't want it to be a secret, that they have been over and she couldn't face me because she thought I would reject her. I'm so happy I could shout from the top of my lungs and I reassure her that I would never do that. I tell her I'm never letting her go. She smiles at me and nestles closer to me.
I close my eyes and I can sleep.
Everything is good now.
A/N: Based on "The Secret's in the Telling" by Dashboard Confessional.