Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. This disclaimer in no way offers me any legal protection, nor do I probably need it. It is simply a waste of words in a heading that you've probably come to skip over by now. That's not very nice you know. This heading needs love too. Just for that I'm going to continue this heading right in the

Near: The person I think can only be straight is one man, Light Yagami.

Takeda: This is Kiyomi Takeda of News Six. I have an announcement from Kira. Light Yagami is in no way homosexual, a butt pirate, a fag, a fruit, or any other words that imply he enjoys male-on-male sexual intercourse.

Light: I cannot stress this enough, I am heterosexual, I like women.

Aizawa: huh?

Takeda: Please excuse me, I was just suddenly impressed by your manly woman loving ways.

Matsuda: He's totally straight?

Aizawa: We already knew that.

Light: Listen Kiyomi, I am really really horny and I need women to satisfy me.

Takeda: Light….is….straight?

Episode the 33rd: sKoЯn

Near: What the hell was that? I don't remember anyone saying any of that. Is Light Yagami altering the audio tracks from the recap to try to lie about his sexuality. I will not stand for this. I must go to Japan and right this wrong. After I finish cutting these square pieces of paper for some ill-defined reason. Captain America.

Rester: Yes?

Near: I'm afraid I need you to return to Gotham City immediately.

Rester: Gotham City is a DC Comics reference, why are you breaking character?

Near: Because I haven't had enough time to rename our hideout after we lost the Baxter Building, and I don't feel like coming up with a good one since we're about to go to Japan.

Rester: Well couldn't I just fly to Japan from here?

Near: No that will be impossible.

Rester: Why is that?

Near: As a borderline autistic, albino, foreigner who spends his days reading comic books and building model weapons, privy to many national secrets, and involved in a dangerous criminal investigation I am unfortunately on the "no-fly" list. I need a United States government official to get my passport and visa and clear me for departure.

Rester: Is that all?

Near: …..I'm also afraid of heights and need you to hold my hand.

Rester: …..

Near: I swear if you tell Ironman or the other Avengers I will have Mello kill you.

And so Rester and flew to Japan on their on private plane. Despite his fear of heights Near still insisted he get the window seat. Rester also had to pay for the headphones to watch the in flight movie.

Matsuda: I know we're in the middle of an on again off again criminal investigation guys, but Misa Misa got a contract with Yoshida Productions and NHN! She's a hot commodity right now! Isn't that exciting?

Ide: Look Matsuda I know we have a poor track record when it comes to these things, but we're not getting distracted this time. I even wrote Kira on my arm in permanent marker so I wouldn't forget what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Light: He's right, we'll just give this one to Mogi. He looks like he's in sore need of a side plot right now. I'll keep you posted on how it develops.

The computer screen flashes N.

Near: This is Nick Fury I want to speak with Kira.

Light: Do we have voicemail for this thing yet?

Aizawa: It's a computer Light, just take the call.

Light: I'm sorry the number you have dialed is currently out of service please hang up and try again.

Near: This is Nick Fury I want to speak with Kira.

Light: WHY DID I TELL HIM TO TRY AGAIN! This is L. There's no Kira here.

Near: Same difference. Just wanted to let you know the Avengers and I are close. How close? So close that it's not just a metaphor, I am literally in Japan.

Light: Someone find where he is and order an airstrike.

Aizawa: Light, we're not legally allowed to have an army.

Light: I hate this country so much.

Near: I assume you're investigating Takeda and her connections to you, I mean Kira.

Light: Yes I'm investigating her personally, very personally I might add.

Near: Well it's a given that if we want to get any closer to you, I mean Kira, we'll have to keep an eye on Kiyomi Takeda and NHN in general. I want you to pass a message. Tell her the Avengers are here in Japan and reading to bring a good old fashioned American ass kicking down on Kira.

Light: And by personally I mean I'm having sex with her, wait what?

Near: To lure you out of hiding. And tell her this. In total the active members of the Avengers are 4, including myself. I suppose there might be others having adventures in some other continuity, but as far as this story is concerned it's just the four of us. Knowing this you'll try to kill us. You won't run from this confrontation and that's my plan. To beat you at your own game.

Light: He's dropped any pretense of using the word Kira now. I'm beginning to think that the "you, I mean Kira" thing wasn't just an accident at all. He was doing it on purpose to mock me! Nobody mocks Light Yagami and lives!

Light: NEAR I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE WE MUST DEUL TO THE DEATH IN THE BADASS TOKYO TOWER DREAM WORLD HELLEVATOR RIDE CONFRONTATION!

Damn I love this series. Remember the rules kids First one to three wins, the loser plummets from the Hellevator to their death!

Near: I'm in Japan.

Light: I'm in Japan as well.

Near: Oh really I thought you were in Malaysia, of course you're in Japan! +1 Near

Near: Then we're quite close we may actually get to meet.

Light: Actually Japan is still about the size of California for you all you know I could be in Kyuushuu and you could be in Hokkaido, then we couldn't meet at all. +1 Light

Light: I hope so, I'll make sure to bring an umbrella and some sunblock for you. +1 Light

Near: Well that will be something to look forward to.

Light: Yes

Near: And when that time comes I'll be sure to bring you some rollerskates and a nice new boytoy to play with as a present. + 1 Near

Light: THAT DOES IT PREPARE FOR MY FINAL ATTACK! BURN IN HELL NE-

middle of the episode. I sure hope it doesn't ruin any dramatic moment that you all enjoy. But you know what you should really read these; I don't just put them in there for my health you know. And hey even if you were determined to just skip over this and continue reading the story, there's no guarantee that I would continue whatever I was just writing afterwards. It could be an entirely different scene for all you know. And you wouldn't even get this warning about the awkward moment because you skipped this. Or maybe you read this whole thing and I seamlessly picked up where I left off. Then you wasted your time.

Light: The Hellevator reached the top of Tokyo Tower and it ended in a tie. I shouldn't have milked that final attack and just gone for the kill. That was fun though, I haven't had a Shadow Realm battle since L was alive. Well I guess he is L's successor after all. I don't even want to think about what kind of bizarre Shadow Game I would play with Mello. It might be less Urban Skyscraper and more "Alice in Wonderland." I look so damn good with red hair. Maybe I should dye it.

At the Avengers: Japan HQ

Near: First for everyone who's forgotten what happened in 2008 let's review what we know so far. L is Light Yagami. He is also Kira so let's call him Loser-Kira or L-Kira for short. There is also a Kira with the notebook. He tries to be cool with his laser pen moves and dramatic shouts so let's call him X-Kira, representing years of trying to make things cool by adding the letter "X" to it. This also has a hint of irony to it, since the Japanese language both these men natively speak in fact has no L or X sound, making them completely unaware of the meaning behind their names. L-Kira and X-Kira can't communicate directly and use Takeda as a go between. Given that there are two ways to win. One is ridiculously easy. Fires toy pistol and knocks over Legos. We arrange to meet both L- and X-Kira and waste them. This is known as the "Bad-End" and as such I would like to avoid it.

Rester: Your explanation raises several questions. How did you get sponsored by Lego, aren't you currently displaying sociopathic tendencies by projecting real life personalities and then murdering your Legos with a toy gun, and isn't it only a "Bad-End" for them? It sounds like a pretty good end for us!

Near: Superheroes don't murder people.

Rester: What about the Punisher? Or Rorschach?

Near: This is the 2000s, Captain America, the anti-hero is a played out product of the super edgy 90s.

Rester: You don't care to comment on my other questions?

Near: I do not.

Light and Aizawa go for drive to Light's latest booty call with Kiyomi.

Light: So Kiyomi you say you get a lot of fanmail every day?

Kiyomi: Yeah something like 200 letters I dunno.

Matsuda: I'm missing Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour for this?

Light: Do you ever fill up a pool with them and go for a swim? Letting the sweet papercuts of praise nick your naked body?

Kiyomi: WHAT?

Light: I mean erm, I've certainly never fantasized about doing such a thing, just making sure we're on the same page here.

Light (on Note): Isn't this cool? It's just like high school. Here are my godly Kira instructions on paper. Read them, carry them out, and for the love of Me don't let the idiots downstairs know about it.

Light: You know the Avengers are here in Japan, that's what the Americans call their Kira investigation team. Maybe instead of just being a parrot for that Sexy Beast Kira, you should make some demands of your own.

Matsuda (singing along): Burakku Rokku shuutaa hitori ja nai yo!

Ide: Dammit Matsuda, Light is starting to get down to business, stop listening to Vocaloids and monitor the conversation.

Light: Why don't you use the TV to reach out to Kira, tell him what you think he needs to know.

Light (on paper): I want to see your death (Turn page over). Note skills. You start killing people.

Light: Kiyomi you did turn the paper over right? I know the first part is a bit awkward but I ran out of room, I wanted to write "Light's Awesome Plan" in Giant letters and it sorta took up the whole page.

Matsuda and Ide (singing along): daki yosete hoshii tashikamete hoshii
machigai nado nai nda to omowasete
kiss o shite nuri kaete hoshii
miwaku no toki ni yoi shire oborete itai no

Ide: Dammit Matsuda, this stuff is pretty catchy.

Over at Mikami's place

Mikami: I could delete all day. In fact I just may! DELETED! Phone rings. Oh it's Takeda, maybe it's time for that threesome god promised me! Hello?

Takeda: Guess what?

Mikami: threesome?

Takeda: I'm Kira now, bitch. Kira wants you to send me some pages to kill the criminals on. You are instructed to make a fake notebook and continue pretending to kill people, while I handle the real stuff.

Mikami: I'm going to go cry….I mean hang up now. My god, my god, why have you forsaken me? Was my writing now awesome enough? I've trained until my fingernails bleed to perfect the laser stroke techniques. Why must I stop once I've found my calling in life? Sniff. I'll show them! I'll practice day and night and then I'll show god my new awesome technique! Then he'll promote me back to Kira! And give me Takeda as a reward while I'm at it!

Commercial Bump.

How you know you've seen too much Death Note: I

When you take notes you get disappointed there's no laser flashes from your pencil

You know Nishio Ishin not from any of his own works but from the Los Angeles BB Murder Case

You attempt to do everyday activities in the same dramatic manner of an NFL films recap of the Superbowl.

End Commercial Bump.

Promo for The Kiyomi Takeda Show

Matsuda: What's this crap? They cancelled Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour for this?

Ide: Well what do you expect? The show was on its last legs, losing its major sponsor and two hosts in a short period of time.

Announcer: And now we will announce the Fanatical Fangirl Four, Kiyomi Takeda's insane female bodyguards. They consist of a softball player, Japan's female cage fighting champion, a beautiful but deadly sexbot, and a former CIA agent.

Light: That has got to be the worst cover for an SPK agent possible. Duh of course it's the sexbot. You aren't fooling anyone Nick Fury.

Over at Avengers: Japan.

Near: I am so glad I bought the satellite package that let me have 500 feeds at once. It's the only way I can possibly stay current on every single television program at once. And then I will burn them to these CDs and illegally distributed all the anime and J-Dramas when I return to America, or England, or wherever it is I'm from. Yes, and then all the money from selling bootleg copies cheaper than official releases will be mine, mine, ALL MINE! Captain America, we must celebrate, activate the Zero-G simulator!

Near's eyes flash blue and the room begins spinning around and around. Eventually he focuses on one program as he floats around the room.

Mikami: I want to hear Kira's voice. I want him to praise me for my actions. Actions that include the mass murder of hundreds of individuals in his name with my magic laser notebook. He will love me once again when he sees me unveil my new super technique! He just has to!

Near: Hey, this Japanese game show doesn't feature torture or obstacle courses, this will never sell. I should erase this.

And now to a much forgotten member of the cast.

Misa: Why the hell am I never on screen anymore? I was the second Kira and they took that away from me, I was a member of the task force during the Yotsuba Incident and they took that away from me, I was Light's girlfriend and they've even taken that away from me! I didn't learn to speak properly so that I could just sit here on the sidelines. Promises were made about my importance in the second half, Mogi. Promises were made!

Mogi: MISA MISA! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPIER! IT'S TRUE YOU'VE LOST A BIT OF YOUR IMPORTANCE FROM SEASON ONE! BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE STILL THE SEX SYMBOL OF DEATH NOTE! AND HAVE A BODY THAT CAN PROPERLY DIGEST SUGAR!

Misa spots her rival.

Misa: Spotlight stealing bitch. AHAHA, I see wherever I go the paparazzi follow. Let's go Mogi before Miss Reporter turns this into Inside Access.

Mogi (whispering): MISA MISA! KIYOMI TAKEDA IS A LEGITIMATE REPORTER WHO COVERS REAL NEWS NOT TABLOID TRASH LIKE- ERR CELEBRITY INTEREST.

Misa: Duh, I was insulting her by calling her nothing more than someone who rifles through my garbage for evidence of drug use or pregnancy tests on my part. And you did NOT just call me Tabloid Trash.

Takeda scoffs and walks off.

Misa: HEY! She walked away! I'll go teach her a thing or two about being the bigger man and letting things slide!

Mogi: WOULDN'T THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT BE TO LEAVE WHILE WE'RE AHEAD?

Misa: Don't you know anything about Satanism? Vindictive revenge without any thought of consequences is what I'm all about.

Misa runs off and Lidner catches her in a submission hold.

Lidner: Looks like those self dense classes I took to make sure I wouldn't be surprised in the shower anymore paid off.

Misa: Oh shit it's the cage fighting champ. I'm screwed. Save me Mogi!

Takeda scoffs again.

Takeda: Hal, that lady was a rather important character once, however long ago it was. Please show her a little more respect.

Lidner: Yes Milady.

Mogi: MISA MISA ARE YOU OKAY? SHOULD I ORDER A TUB OF BEN AND JERRY'S FOR LATER?

Misa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mogi! Go prepare an altar, I'm going to implore demons to possess her or cast a hex or something!

These sort of things take preparation and a knowledge of the Moon's cycle. So let's get back to the plot.

Near: L this is Nick Fury. Can I talk to Aizawa?

Light: I'm not your operator.

Aizawa: Yo, I'm here.

Near: I have a question about copyright law. How much trouble would I be in if the Japanese police found out I had several thousand burned CDs of every program for the past three weeks with intent to traffic them?

Aizawa: I'd say you'd be pretty damned screwed.

Near: I see, very interesting, thank you very much.

Over at the SPK

Rester: Somehow I don't think you'll be able to hide 45,678 CDs in that Christmas tree.

Near: Of course they aren't IN the Christmas tree. The Christmas tree's star merely opens the secret passageway to the warehouse I'm keeping the CDs in.

Rester: Hmm, how's the investigation going Iron Man?

Gevanni: Well, alright I suppose, did I just hear you say something about burning CDs and a Christmas Tree? You guys totally didn't leave me to do this investigation all by myself did you? I mean, sure I've made some breakthroughs, came up with a suspect, and I'm now stalking him, but you guys are doing your part two right?

Near: Of course not. We're up to our necks in case related stuff. We're totally not illegally recording Japanese TV shows and having an office Christmas party we didn't invite you to. You're doing such a bang up job though. Keep up the good work.

Back to Misa.

Misa: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan, stupid moon. Why did you have to be only three quarters full. I can't curse Takeda adequately in these conditions. And seriously, what's up with these community organizers not letting me use the park to set up a satanic altar. Can we at least get the ram Mogi?

Mogi (on phone): I SEE! THAT'S GREAT NEWS! YES! YES! EXCELLENT! I'LL TELL HER RIGHT NOW! No ram sorry, they wanted to know what we were using it for and the farm owner wouldn't consent.

Misa: Dammit, then why were you so excited?

Mogi: BECAUSE COMPARITIVELY THAT WAS EXCELLENT NEWS! THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH KIYOMI TAKEDA!

Misa: This day just keeps getting worse and worse. God what did I do to deserve this? Oh right, the murders and Satan worship.

On the other end.

Lidner: I think he accepted. He was talking about making sure he could actually eat at the restaurant or something. I'm not sure what digestive disease he has.

Takeda: Be sure to book a private meal. Also I want you to come, I want to see that little pipsqueak tap out again.

Dinner time!

Takeda: I'm sorry I had to invite you out so late, it had to be after the 9 o clock news ended. You know the big important thing where we tell you what's going on the world?

Misa: Oh no problem, I'm used to staying up late. I used to have 12 hour marathon sex sessions with Light all night long. Drinks. This is damn good, where did you find a restaurant that serves blood?

Takeda: Oh when you've spent as much time as I have investigating everything you find some pretty shocking things out. Like your relationship with Light being on the rocks.

Misa: If she thinks I'm splitting the tab with her now she's crazy. Oh no things are great between me and 1337, fangz, lol geddit?, for asking. He's way more into me than he looks. Last night he put his thingy in my you know what and we did it sexily.

Takeda: Ah I see, well then I'm glad that even with all that doing it, he still finds time for me.

Misa: He won't have much time for you anymore. You see, this Sundae at the Poor Music Festering I'm going to announce my enragement to 1337.

Takeda: Oh well then I won't have anything to worry about.

Misa: You'd better worry! We're enraged! You know what that means? It's over for you! He posed with me a month ago. Isn't that rowmuntick?

Takeda: LOL no.

Misa: Whattaya meen, LOL know? Are j00 nut going to let Meesa pronounce it? Or mayber j000r going to get Spira to keel me?

Takeda: Of course not only Kira gets to decide who to kill. Now if I were actually in effect Kira at the moment that would be slightly different, then I would get to decide who to kill. But this is all hypothetical.

Misa: Well whatever. Drinks. Eye rully dun get things like hypothermia. And ounce mai husbando 1337 catches Keera, it'll be cursings for j00. Gently, wafer cursing.

Takeda: ….

Misa: And by that Eye mean jewel be exeuglyed. Lol Geddit? Cuz j00 cunt be excuted since j00r sew ugly!

Lidner: Miss Takeda are you okay? Should I call an English Teacher?

Takeda: begins cackling and flashes back.

Light: Kiyomi, join me, and you will be the checks hand Goddess of the New World. Boy I sure hope that pick up line worked.

Takeda: Miss Amane, I find this unpleasant.

Misa: Itz j00r felt for inviting me when j00 know Eye cunt hold my licker! And Eyem nut paying the bill either!

Takeda: Ah but it is you who is still sitting at the table while I have my coat on and am headed for the door. I wish you luck in your attempt to escape the staff in your inebriated condition. Good day.

Misa: HA! Shows what j00 know! Eye was star of mai truck team in High Skull! Gets up and falls over. MOGI! SAVE MEESA! EYE DUDN'T BRING ANY MONKEY! Takes bottle and drinks more.

Mogi: Umm Misa are you okay?

Misa: OF CURSE EYE AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. EYEM Totally kewl 2 dribe. Eyem knut all at drunk! Hay, y r j00 faking Meesa's keebs?

Lidner now reports back to base.

Lidner: So remember high school?

Rester: Yes.

Lidner: Basically imagine that but about Light Yagami. That's what happened between Misa and Takeda tonight. Your thoughts?

Near: All I can say is this. Light Yagami is getting lucky tonight. Takeda and Misa both adore him.

Rester: Nick Fury, please be serious.

Near: It IS serious. How can such an emotionally self absorbed, homosexual man have two women, when I am spending Christmas Eve dateless playing with Legos?

Rester: Some would say the Legos are probably the problem.

Near: YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!

Gevanni and Mikami spend Christmas Eve on a train. They stare at each other.

Mikami: So it's Christmas. What are you doing?

Gevanni: Tailing some guy while my friends have a party I wasn't invited to. What about you?

Mikami: Pretending to kill people while my friends have a sex party I wasn't invited to.

Gevanni: …..

Mikami: …

Gevanni:…..

Mikami: ….Wanna go to a bar and drink our problems away?

Gevanni: Yeah ok.

Author's Note: It's a shame they have to kill each other in a month. This could have been the start of a beautiful friendship. Or something like that.

Seems I missed a week. Well that's pretty much par for the course I guess. We'll see what I can do about speed.

Right now for the part where we stroke each other's egos and both go home happy.

Shadow Dragoness: Wow, I was really psyched to see that you specifically responded to my review... It felt nice. Hahaha! Thank you for that random little uppity-ness of my day as well as for another hilarious chapter. My family yelled at me for laughing while they were trying to watch TV, but I consider that a job well done.

And with a response like that I had to give you two in a row. Thanks for the support.

The Commercial Bump and the whacked-out description of Mikami's childhood were particularly well done. Oh, and the purple shirt? Fantastic. I haven't seen this episode in so long, I can't even really remember what happened, but your take on it probably just scrambled any coherency that I might've been able to recall beyond recovery.

It is strongly recommended you actually watch the episode or have a really good memory. I think I rely a lot on jokes based off visual cues in the show itself and ripping off exact dialogue. But if I can still make you laugh even if you have no clue what's going on, I must be doing something right! Thanks.

Mogi and Aizawa's interaction was hilarious - but not as hilarious as the phrase "masculine sex machine" being applied to Light Yagami. I...My brain might've ruptured a little. But in a good way. I love how you're tangling the threads of Kira, sexuality, government conspiracy, and anything else you feel like hurling in there. Batboy? It's delightfully twisted. I'm lost but I'm happy. :) Light's an ego-maniac, but it would be weird to see him any other way. Good job with sticking to who the characters are while at the same time warping them to your own diabolically-amusing purposes. I don't know how you do it, and I'm not sure I want to, but nonetheless, awesome job.

Batboy is a famous hoax or something by the National Enquirer I think. And who are you to doubt Light Yagami, "masculine sex machine," maybe he has an unrelenting passion for man ass.

The One Called Demetra: Oh, My Immortal...don't worry, it's just a troll. Humanity has produced quite a few manifestations of utter stupidity, but My Immortal is not one of them.

Though if any reviewer was saying it was actually good writing..

My Immortal is genius and I love it to death. It makes me feel "goffik"

JJ etc and so on: Chazooo! I thought you'd died.

Maybe I did

Btw: didn't know you'd been linked to Tropes... that's awesome...? In a strange way, kind of. Congrats!

Thank you. It's just perfect for an attention whore like me! Now get me on Wikipedia!

Boogiepop Shippuden:

I hope this parody ends better for Light then the real anime, like..Light achieves Bankai

or Lelouch pops up out of nowhere to Geass all of Light's enemies

STOP SPOILING MY ENDINGS! LOL! No I actually dunno what I'll do, we'll see.