Perhaps that was why reality was falling apart, Sakura explained matter-of-factly to her wide-eyed audience, because when she said she lost her mind, she really had lost her mind - okay, half her mind - kinda like how Naruto lost that village he was supposed to protect and boy oh boy, was it ever just as embarrassing! (Saving Grace, pg. 37)
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"I'm curious as to how anyone could possibly lose an entire village he was hired to protect, lock, stock, barrel and fuzz. The details are so highly classified that only other catastrophic blunders possibly warrant similar lip-zipping." (Sasuke; Saving Grace, pg. 46)
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"I know how Naruto lost the village!" (Kiba; Saving Grace, pg. 52)
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"What's worse is that Ino's married to Neji. Don't ask me how it happened – apparently I was too busy losing a village while the courtship was taking place." (Naruto; Saving Grace, pg. 70)
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"And whenever anyone wants to talk about it Naruto can lump it in with the village he somehow lost." (Kakashi; Saving Grace, pg. 90)
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"You pull something out of your ass like you always do or this village is going to be lost, and not in the same way as your other!" (Tsunade; Saving Grace, pg. 118)
oOoOo
But the battle between ninja-dogs and ninja-cats is best left unmentioned – like Naruto's missing village. (Saving Grace, pg. 119)
oOoOo
Sasuke glanced sideways at Naruto. "The only thing you have to
hide is that village."
"grrrk"
"Oh, wait."
Sasuke smiled smugly. "You didn't hide it – you lost it!"
"Idon'twannatalkaboutit." (Saving Grace, pg. 121)
oOoOo
"I didn't lose the village – I know precisely where it's at!" (Naruto; Saving Grace, pg. 123)
Naruto didn't bother hiding the yawn that nearly popped his jaw out of joint. He stood with his legs apart and his arms crossed before his chest, blond hair sticking up in every direction because he hadn't had time to brush it.
He also hoped that his morning breath would knock out Obaa-san, the dumb old hag, since she was responsible for dragging him from bed, stuffing him in a jump suit that he outgrew at least two months ago because "You can't show up in your shorts, Naruto, sheesh…", and hauling him into her office at the ungodly hour of Before Breakfast. She hadn't even given him the decency of snatching up his toothbrush or his shoes before yanking him through his bedroom window.
He was fairly sure it wasn't because of something that he did – but if it was, then Naruto was going to claim he had been framed.
He always did know that Tsunade had a vindictive nature.
"This is important," Tsunade told him between gritted teeth; she rummaged through her drawers, files, and folders before finally withdrawing a large map from her umbrella stand in the corner of the room. "Ah! Here we go!"
"Lose another bet, Obaa-san?" Naruto asked snidely, because – dammit! – he had earned that sleep!
"Shut up, brat." Tsunade swiped her arm across the top of her desk, mowing down objects and sending them flying off the edge. She ignored where they fell onto the floor – including the inkwell, which shattered and spread a dark, ugly stain across the floorboards. Naruto watched it in mute fascination before turning his gaze back on Tsunade, who was tacking down the map's corners with a few empty booze bottles.
"Here," she said, drawing his attention to a nondescript little mark in the far northeastern corner of Fire Country.
Futegiwa, it read.
It suddenly occurred to Naruto that any village named Loser was probably not one he wanted to protect. He still had nightmares of the village he and Lee had been assigned to help after it was invaded by bandits, and its name had been Impotent. Honestly, who names these places?
He shook his head to clear it of the feeling of impending doom. It was simply too early in the morning to feel like the Universe was hinging its continued existence on your decision to have toast or rice for breakfast.
"I got a messenger from them late last night-" Tsunade paused in thought, "-or early this morning. They're having problems with someone, but the messenger refused to give me exact details. It's just one person, but they fear for the safety and survival of the entire village. It's not Akatsuki," she added quickly when Naruto opened his mouth. He shut it with a sigh. "But whatever or whoever is causing the problem has them worried for the sanity – uh, I mean, safety of their village."
The feeling of worry was increasing, itching, bothering him like a boil on his butt.
"The village," Tsunade continued, "can only afford a single, low-level shinobi, but I'd rather send someone who can take care of himself, and the village, and bring down whoever is threatening them."
She sat down in her chair with a heavy sigh, knitting her fingers against her brow and propping her elbows on the map. "They require this ninja to be subtle, quiet, and wily and cunning. Someone who can blend into the background and not attract attention." She shrugged. "Given their budget of six hundred ryou, four nails and two screws, and some pocket lint, there aren't too many Genin who fit the bill. But the village is desperate – and they promised free room and board for the duration of your stay."
Naruto laughed nervously and put a hand behind his head, all too aware of his shortcomings when it came to silence and all its variants. "I don't think I've very well qualified. Well, besides having power and skill. Are you sure that Sakura-chan or Sai couldn't do this? Budget aside, I mean."
Tsunade closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Naruto suddenly realized that Tsunade, who kept a late night schedule, probably hadn't been able to sleep. He pursed his lips together and vowed to cause as little trouble as possible.
Tsunade had a habit of docking people's pay when she was tired and cranky.
"It's very hard for a ninja to be subtle, quiet, and blend into the background when he's glowing neon-pink, and until we find out the extent of Sai's new… abnormalities from the radioactive exposure, he's being kept in isolation under Shizune's constant watch."
"He's still glowing?" Naruto tried to contemplate his companion all in pink, but the best he could imagine was Sai dressed in Sakura's clothes. He shuddered in horror. "But wasn't he green yesterday?"
"He morphed into different colors – and not everyone has your recovery skills. As I think it safest for, uh, everyone that Sakura and Sai are kept far apart while he's glowing pink," Tsunade coughed into a fist, "Sakura is going undercover with Kiba on a mission that requires her expertise."
Wait- what expertise? Naruto turned those words around in his head to make some sort of sense, because he knew Sakura-chan's knowledge of sex was about the same as his – woefully inadequate. (Actually, she probably had a greater depth and scope than he did simply because of her medical background, but for all practical purposes and experience, he suspected she wasn't all thatexperienced. At least, he hoped she wasn't experienced, because that meant she had better luck than he did when it came to getting laid.)
Then he bristled angrily because Kiba's undercover specialty wasn't one that he wanted Sakura anywhere near, even if it was the traditional field of work for most kunoichi. "Relax, she's going as the janitor," Tsunade put in quickly. "But even if she wasn't, I still wouldn't give her this mission." Tsunade pinned Naruto with a worried frown. "Sasuke has been sighted near Futegiwa very recently."
Naruto stared, his smile frozen on his face. Seconds ticked past them. Finally, when he noticed Tsunade's irritated twitch, he forced himself to laugh. "Oh, gee, you almost had me there! Sasuke in the area, ho ho! You were just testing to see how awake I am, right?" The smile lurched sideways and fell upside down. "Oh shit. You aren't kidding."
Tsunade shook her head. "I have very good reason to doubt that Sasuke is the one threatening the village, but it would cause a lot of damage to get between him and whatever he's after."
Of course. Because most anyone else would try to kill a person classified as an S-class traitor. It didn't matter if there were people in Konoha still determined to catch and drag Sasuke back and force him to understand how much he was loved and missed; treason of his magnitude was punishable by death. Anyone short of Naruto (and Sakura-chan and Kakashi-senspai) would probably get themselves killed or very injured in the process because Sasuke tended to be a little heavy-handed when it came to fending off ropes and handcuffs, no matter how Naruto promised they wouldn't pinch or rub and see, see? He made sure he specifically got padded handcuffs 'cause they're supposed to be more comfortable but he needed to return them before Ino realized they were missing, so hold still you bastard!
"Of course," Naruto said. He rubbed his own eyes and wished he could crawl back under his covers. All the astounding recovery and magnificent healing abilities in the world could never make up for lost sleep.
Tsunade was silent for a long time after that, studying Naruto and chewing on her bottom lip. Naruto felt a nervous sweat break out on his forehead because it seemed so uncharacteristic of her. This meant that he was going to be buried neck-deep in some really stinky shi-
"Kiba will be your liaison," Tsunade put in suddenly. "He's supposed to get a free day each week for his job and it's best if he's seen going in the opposite direction of Konoha. He'll meet up with you at your village's inn and then pass the information on to Sakura. She'll pass it on to another liaison to pass on to me. If there is an emergency, you will be on your own, but I'm sure you can handle it. Under no circumstances whatsoever, Naruto, are you to go after Sasuke during your mission."
He sulked. "…Not even just a little bit?"
"Absolutely not."
Naruto thought a moment. "And what if he comes after me? It could happen!"
She banged her fist lightly against her desk. The wood creaked ominously under her blow. "And that will happen when pigs fly – and I'm not talking about that nightmare of a swine ranch that you and Sai cleaned up!"
Naruto rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. "Did we ever figure out how all those pigs got bitten by radioactive insects?"
"No. And stop trying to change the subject, Naruto. If you see Sasuke, do not make contact, do not approach, do not ambush, do not spike a drink and have someone deliver it–"
"That didn't work the last time anyway."
Tsunade ignored him. "-do not antagonize him, do not send cryptic messages via chakra-propelled origami frogs-"
"But that did work the last time."
"-because you will leave him be!"
Naruto drew back unhappily, crossing and uncrossing his arms before himself. Finally: "But, why?"
Tsunade leaned back in her chair, hands splayed wide on the map. She regarded him carefully, knowing that this was a subject best treated with gloved hands and a surgeon's precise touch. "Because it will interfere very badly with your mission, Naruto, and we cannot have that sort of jeopardy hanging over our reputations. Too many innocent people would come between you two, and they don't deserve that. I don't want them getting caught between you and Sasuke. We can't afford the construction costs." She rubbed her temples in irritation, and then reached under the desk for a flask that Shizune hadn't managed to discover yet. "That, and Ino is still mad about her broken handcuffs."
Naruto winced at the mention of Ino's name – his ears were still ringing from her verbal rage, even though the bruises had long faded and the construction had repaired the evidence of Ino's wrath on their surroundings.
Tsunade took a quick swig from her flask before hiding it back under her desk. She began to deal out papers to Naruto. "Here's your supply chits, information on your mission, maps, and some information on Kiba's mission so you don't make a mistake during contact." She stood up and ushered Naruto from her office. "From what I gather, this person causing the village problems isn't so much malicious as he is incompetent, so have some fun and relax. There's a hot springs resort there, so think of it as a paid vacation for having to slay those glow-in-the-dark, swine-bat hybrids last week. Take a week off after you're done with the village and just relax, enjoy yourself…"
In other words, Naruto thought wryly, don't hurry back. Or, alternatively: you can try dragging Sasuke's not-very-sorry ass back when you no longer have other obligations.
"The messenger is going to lead you to the village – Kuro Nala – and you're supposed to meet with her at the ramen stand. Have a nice vacation, Naruto."
"Vacation? Are you serious?"
Tsunade paused, her hand fluttering to the door handle and the other sliding around Naruto's shoulders. "Of course. You don't think I'd drag you out of bed before breakfast because I'm vindictive, do you?"
Naruto was saved from having to say anything incriminating by Tsunade's bone-crunching, mammary-engulfing hug and the coins she dropped into his pocket "for breakfast".