And so enters the first chapter of my attempted Hitchhikers' Guide fic. I'm trying to write in the style of Douglas Adams. Am I doing well?

I don't actually know where this story's going (whisper: I'mmakingitupasIgoalong)… but I hope people enjoy it and find it funny as I struggle helplessly to find an actual plot.

Chapter 1

In which the main characters grapple with important questions of Life, the Universe, and Everything

'Look,' said Zaphod, as calmly as he could. 'All I want to do is go to a bar somewhere very hot and hideously expensive, get pissed out of both brains and wake up tomorrow morning in someone else's bed with the worst double hangover in the history of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Do you have a problem with that?'

'YES!' yelled Arthur and Trillian.

'NO!' yelled Ford, just as loudly.

'Zaphod,' reasoned Trillian, thinking that it was rather a shame to argue with him when he had actually made up his mind about something for once. 'We're still supposed to be finding the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, aren't we?'

'Yeeees…' said Zaphod warily.

'Therefore, wouldn't it be a good idea to actually try and find it, instead of jetting off to some exotic holiday planet to get drunk?'

'Look,' Zaphod replied, with a bizarre piece of logic that surprised even him. 'Seeing as we don't even know where we're supposed to be looking anyway, and the chances of actually ending up anywhere we need to be are infinitesimally minute, wouldn't it be better to abandon any rational system of choosing where to look and just get the hell out of here? I don't know about you, but I'd rather end up not finding the Question somewhere where you can get a good drink rather than somewhere you can't.'

Everyone stared at him. This was, depending on which way you looked at it, either a remarkably bold experiment in hypermathematics and fundamental deduction, or complete and utter lunacy. Trillian was inclined to go for the latter option, or she would have done if she could have got a word in edgeways between Zaphod's increasingly incomprehensible monologue. 'You see,' he was now explaining, 'if you truly believe in the basic unified theory of Stroyabulous Seven of Arkafia Minor, then--'

'You're making all this up as you go along, aren't you?' interrupted Trillian. 'Well, like I said, if you believe in the basic unified theory of Stroyabulous Seven of Arkafia Minor, then all this does actually have some relevance to the conversation, and I am not just concocting a ridiculously involved excuse for going to a party.'

'You're making it up.'

'Yes, but there are plenty of good reasons why we should be getting pissed somewhere very sunny.'

'Name one.'

'Well, what really is the point of trying to find the Question at all? After all, it could be absolutely anything. It could even be more than one question. I mean, look at us.' Here Zaphod swung his arm round in a pointlessly extravagant gesture that seemed to be intended to encompass Arthur, the central control monitor, the entire star system of Stamgillia Eleven, and an air conditioning unit.

Trillian looked. After a few minutes of waiting for Zaphod to elaborate, she was forced to ask him what exactly he had meant by his last remark. 'We all see the universe differently,' he explained when he'd actually remembered what it was they had been talking about. 'We all think different things are important. If I asked everybody in this room what they think the Ultimate Question should be, they'd all come out with completely different answers. Hey, guys!'

Ford and Arthur looked up from where they'd been trying to gag Eddie, the permanently happy shipboard computer. It wasn't helping either their job or their sanity to have Marvin helping them. Ford was ignoring him, Arthur was attempting to reason with him, and Eddie was making a valiant attempt to speak through five layers of cyber-synthetic neuro-fabric and cheer him up.

'Guys,' continued Zaphod. 'What do you think the Ultimate Question is?'

'Why do we keep getting ourselves into ludicrously dangerous situations while trying to find the bloody thing?' snarled Ford as he tried to find the key that controlled the computer's speech mode.

'Why are we bothering to talk about this?' contributed Trillian.

'Where's the tea?' wailed Arthur, who hadn't been listening to a word Zaphod had said for the past half hour.

'See?' grinned Zaphod, with the air of one who has just proved his point beyond any reasonable doubt. As everyone stared confusedly at him, trying to work out whether they simply hadn't understood his last remark, or if he was just talking complete and utter garbage, he leapt across to the central console and hit the teleportation key with a crazy of whoop of 'Excitement and adventure and really wild things!'

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