Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE, The Double Cheeseburgar Rap, The Fast Food Song, or Global Warming.

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"Welcome to Esme's "In" Show!" said the Announcer.

Esme enters, wearing a red and green sweater.

"Why are we in quotes now?" asked an audience member.

"Because quotes are in!" said Esme.

Just then, the Hook-Handed Man came in, and started rapping.

"I'd like a double cheeseburger, please hold the lettuce!" he rapped.

"Rapping isn't in!" said Esme. "Anyway, today, we're celebrating Christmas!"

"But this is September!" said Quigley from the audience.

"Christmas is in!" screamed Esme. "Anyway, because Christmas is about love, I am going to be a Match Maker! Klaus, Fiona, Isadora... GET IN HERE!"

Klaus, Fiona, and Isadora enter the room.

"Why are we here?" asked Klaus.

"Because, I'm gonna find out which one of the girls who like you you're gonna end up with!" said Esme.

"I do not have romantic interest in him!" said Fiona.

"Neither do I!" said Isadora.

"Yeah, you do!" said Esme. "I read the book, and you're constantly patting his hand!"

"I do not constantly pat Klaus's hand!" said Isadora, as she patted Klaus's hand.

"And Fiona," said Esme, "You kissed him!"

"It was a petty kiss!" said Fiona. "He's, like... 3 years younger then me!"

"Whatever." said Esme. "Let's get started."

Esme takes hair from Klaus, Isadora, and Fiona.

"OW! What was that for?!" said Klaus.

"To find out which one you love more." said Esme.

Just then, a whole bunch of shippers enter the room.

"Klaus and Isadora!" screamed some.

"Klaus and Fiona!" screamed some others.

"Klaus and Esme!" screamed more of them.

"I can't date Klaus!" said Esme. "He's not in!"

"Violet and Quigley!"

"Violet and Duncan"

"Violet and Olaf!"

"Sunny and The Incredibly Deadly Viper!"

"Lemony and Violet!"

Then, the Shippers got out weapons, and started a war.

"Hey," asked Esme, "Where'd the Hook-Man go?

The Hook-Handed man enters wearing a Fast Food Uniform.

"A-Pizza Hut! A-Pizza Hut! Kentucky Fried Chicken, and A-Pizza Hut!" she started singing.

"Stop that!" said Esme.

"McDonalds, McDonalds!" sang Klaus.

"Ketucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut!" sang Hooky and Klaus.

"Let's eat to the beat!" said Uncle Monty.

"You're dead!" said Esme

Everyone there, including the Shippers, all three Bauldilaires, the audience, and everyone who was ever on the show ignored Esme, and started singing

"I think of you,

And lick my lips!

You've got the taste I can't resist!

Let's eat to the beat!"

"This has been Esme's "In" Show!" said the Announcer, as he started singing with them.

"FAST FOOD ISN'T IN!" screamed Esme.