An Excerpt from Yamasutra
A.K.A. Yamazaki-kun Teaches Sex Ed
"... and that concludes my report on the Missionary Position," said Yamazaki,
adjusting his glasses and glaring icily at his classmates from where he stood
on the podium.
Everyone stared back at him. They looked suitably whacked, Yamazaki thought
in satisfaction, resisting the urge to preen. Mr. Takashi in particular had a
lovely poleaxed expression on his face, as if he were on the verge of passing
out. This was really shaping up to be a hell of a report, if he did say so
himself.
"Now we before we proceed to the next part, are there any questions?" He shuffled
his notes authoritatively.
Eriol raised his hand, looking dubious.
"Yes, Hiiragizawa-kun," Yamazaki said crisply, though he was pleased inside. Eriol
always asked the most intelligent questions in class. He couldn't think why Li-kun
and Daidouji made such a fuss every time Eriol opened his mouth.
"I would like to dispute your assertion, made during your lecture on the Missionary
Position, that reciting Angel of God My Guardian Dear three hundred times can bring
one to the Pinnacle of Ecstasy. I rather think, after studying some syntactical
charts, that the proper order of words should be My God! Dear Guardian Angel! and--"
Tomoyo threw a book at him.
"So, um, I retract my question," Eriol said with a pained expression. "You were
saying, Yamazaki-kun..."
Yamazaki gave him a small sympathetic smile. Chiharu didn't understand him either.
The last time he glanced at her, which was during the beginning of his Preface on
You Know What, she looked positively murderous. The woman was daft.
"Uh, well, now we go on to the 69 Position," said Yamazaki. "Now this is one of
the most difficult and--it behooves me to say this because this is an exercise in
objectivity but it has to be said--disgusting exercises in You Know ever."
"Oh," said Syaoran.
"Sixty-nine what?" asked Naoko.
"Times of humping?" said Eriol. "Ouch, Tomoyo-san."
Yamazaki sighed at their obtuseness. "I admit that I had problems figuring out
the terminology at first. But it's quite obvious. Sixty Nine really stands for
--" he paused dramatically, "--Sixty-Nine Degrees."
"Indeed, ladies and gentlemen," he continued into the stunned silence. "Which means,
following my logic, that if you were to enact this Position, you and your partner have
to be Sixty-Nine Degrees apart."
The class boggled.
"Is that--is that even _possible?" Syaoran asked. "I mean, how the hell do they
do that? I mean, I like math and all but... I mean..."
Yamazaki smirked. "Obviously, Li-kun," he drawled, "they use a--" And he whipped
out something from his jacket. "--PROTRACTOR!" He slammed said object on the
blackboard with happy force. Everyone jumped. Even Eriol looked nervous.
"A protractor?" Syaoran croaked.
Yamazaki nodded gravely. "Others recommend supplementing it with a trigonometric
table because calculating the angle is _very_ important. Your bodies have to be
exactly sixty-nine degrees aligned vis-a-vis each other."
"An acute angle," Sakura observed, looking pleased that she could grasp this
particular mathematical factoid. Syaoran slumped even further down his desk.
"Correct," said Yamazaki. "Personally, I'd advise bringing along a third party
into the bedroom just to make sure the alignment is perfectly executed."
"Why don't you just do it near a tree and in mid-afternoon?" Eriol suggested.
"That way the angle of the sun--Yes, I understand, Tomoyo-san, do you want to
go out into the quadrangle, it is nearly lunchtime after all and the angles
are perfect and perhaps--ouch."
Yamazaki coughed. "So. As I was saying, after you have established your angular
location comes the Icky Part."
Sakura turned to Tomoyo, eyes wide. "Is that the---"
"No, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo said. "Though it is Icky."
Eriol looked shocked. "Tomoyo-san! I am hurt! Surely you don't think mine is--And
after such a beautiful--"
"Shut up, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Syaoran-kun's is not Icky," said Sakura thoughtfully.
"...." said Syaoran.
"...." said the class.
"Ahem," said Yamazaki sternly. "Everyone listen to _me_ please."
"Why?" wailed Chiharu.
Yamazaki gave her a long-suffering glare.
"Anyway," he sniffed. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted..."
He pretended to consult his notes. "Speaking about Icky Things. Not Hiiragizawa's
or Li-kun's, I hasten to add, but--"
"Yamazaki," said Syaoran, sounding miserable.
"Yes, so." Yamazaki cleared his throat. "After you have established the 69-Degree
Angle, you must end up facing your partner's lower parts." He raised a finger.
"Please note that. FACING."
Sakura blinked. "Huh?"
"The Icky Thing," Tomoyo said.
"Oh."
"Yamazaki, do you mean to say--" Naoko said, horrified.
"As the saying goes," Yamazaki pontificated. "No guts no glory. And I mean it
literally." He held a finger up. "Now comes the very disgusting part. It's quite,
er, unhygienic, if I do say so myself. I really don't know how to express this
but... um..." He wiped his forehead daintily with a handkerchief. "Once you're
leaning over your partner's Lower Parts... You... oh dear..."
Everyone tensed.
"... suck..."
Syaoran looked particularly nauseated.
"... suck..."
"What?" Sakura demanded.
"Each other's toes," said Yamazaki grimly.
Chiharu buried her head on her arms. Mr. Takashi went thud on the floor.
"Yuck," said Eriol.
End Excerpt
DISCLAIMER: CCS copyright CLAMP and other related enterprises.
And, yeah. That will be all.
A.K.A. Yamazaki-kun Teaches Sex Ed
"... and that concludes my report on the Missionary Position," said Yamazaki,
adjusting his glasses and glaring icily at his classmates from where he stood
on the podium.
Everyone stared back at him. They looked suitably whacked, Yamazaki thought
in satisfaction, resisting the urge to preen. Mr. Takashi in particular had a
lovely poleaxed expression on his face, as if he were on the verge of passing
out. This was really shaping up to be a hell of a report, if he did say so
himself.
"Now we before we proceed to the next part, are there any questions?" He shuffled
his notes authoritatively.
Eriol raised his hand, looking dubious.
"Yes, Hiiragizawa-kun," Yamazaki said crisply, though he was pleased inside. Eriol
always asked the most intelligent questions in class. He couldn't think why Li-kun
and Daidouji made such a fuss every time Eriol opened his mouth.
"I would like to dispute your assertion, made during your lecture on the Missionary
Position, that reciting Angel of God My Guardian Dear three hundred times can bring
one to the Pinnacle of Ecstasy. I rather think, after studying some syntactical
charts, that the proper order of words should be My God! Dear Guardian Angel! and--"
Tomoyo threw a book at him.
"So, um, I retract my question," Eriol said with a pained expression. "You were
saying, Yamazaki-kun..."
Yamazaki gave him a small sympathetic smile. Chiharu didn't understand him either.
The last time he glanced at her, which was during the beginning of his Preface on
You Know What, she looked positively murderous. The woman was daft.
"Uh, well, now we go on to the 69 Position," said Yamazaki. "Now this is one of
the most difficult and--it behooves me to say this because this is an exercise in
objectivity but it has to be said--disgusting exercises in You Know ever."
"Oh," said Syaoran.
"Sixty-nine what?" asked Naoko.
"Times of humping?" said Eriol. "Ouch, Tomoyo-san."
Yamazaki sighed at their obtuseness. "I admit that I had problems figuring out
the terminology at first. But it's quite obvious. Sixty Nine really stands for
--" he paused dramatically, "--Sixty-Nine Degrees."
"Indeed, ladies and gentlemen," he continued into the stunned silence. "Which means,
following my logic, that if you were to enact this Position, you and your partner have
to be Sixty-Nine Degrees apart."
The class boggled.
"Is that--is that even _possible?" Syaoran asked. "I mean, how the hell do they
do that? I mean, I like math and all but... I mean..."
Yamazaki smirked. "Obviously, Li-kun," he drawled, "they use a--" And he whipped
out something from his jacket. "--PROTRACTOR!" He slammed said object on the
blackboard with happy force. Everyone jumped. Even Eriol looked nervous.
"A protractor?" Syaoran croaked.
Yamazaki nodded gravely. "Others recommend supplementing it with a trigonometric
table because calculating the angle is _very_ important. Your bodies have to be
exactly sixty-nine degrees aligned vis-a-vis each other."
"An acute angle," Sakura observed, looking pleased that she could grasp this
particular mathematical factoid. Syaoran slumped even further down his desk.
"Correct," said Yamazaki. "Personally, I'd advise bringing along a third party
into the bedroom just to make sure the alignment is perfectly executed."
"Why don't you just do it near a tree and in mid-afternoon?" Eriol suggested.
"That way the angle of the sun--Yes, I understand, Tomoyo-san, do you want to
go out into the quadrangle, it is nearly lunchtime after all and the angles
are perfect and perhaps--ouch."
Yamazaki coughed. "So. As I was saying, after you have established your angular
location comes the Icky Part."
Sakura turned to Tomoyo, eyes wide. "Is that the---"
"No, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo said. "Though it is Icky."
Eriol looked shocked. "Tomoyo-san! I am hurt! Surely you don't think mine is--And
after such a beautiful--"
"Shut up, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Syaoran-kun's is not Icky," said Sakura thoughtfully.
"...." said Syaoran.
"...." said the class.
"Ahem," said Yamazaki sternly. "Everyone listen to _me_ please."
"Why?" wailed Chiharu.
Yamazaki gave her a long-suffering glare.
"Anyway," he sniffed. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted..."
He pretended to consult his notes. "Speaking about Icky Things. Not Hiiragizawa's
or Li-kun's, I hasten to add, but--"
"Yamazaki," said Syaoran, sounding miserable.
"Yes, so." Yamazaki cleared his throat. "After you have established the 69-Degree
Angle, you must end up facing your partner's lower parts." He raised a finger.
"Please note that. FACING."
Sakura blinked. "Huh?"
"The Icky Thing," Tomoyo said.
"Oh."
"Yamazaki, do you mean to say--" Naoko said, horrified.
"As the saying goes," Yamazaki pontificated. "No guts no glory. And I mean it
literally." He held a finger up. "Now comes the very disgusting part. It's quite,
er, unhygienic, if I do say so myself. I really don't know how to express this
but... um..." He wiped his forehead daintily with a handkerchief. "Once you're
leaning over your partner's Lower Parts... You... oh dear..."
Everyone tensed.
"... suck..."
Syaoran looked particularly nauseated.
"... suck..."
"What?" Sakura demanded.
"Each other's toes," said Yamazaki grimly.
Chiharu buried her head on her arms. Mr. Takashi went thud on the floor.
"Yuck," said Eriol.
End Excerpt
DISCLAIMER: CCS copyright CLAMP and other related enterprises.
And, yeah. That will be all.