Warnings: Slash/Yaoi, humor (bordering on crack!fic-ness), neko-it is

Pairings: Gaara/Naruto

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Owned by Kishimoto Masashi, et al.

Summary: Naruto thinks he's a cat, and Gaara's fine with that.

A/N: Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.

::Cat Scratch Fever – 3::

Naked and clinging to the head of one of the giant Kage statues in the great hall, Uzumaki Naruto finally comes to his senses.

Temari can see the exact moment the genjutsu fades and the boy returns. He goes from close to six feet of spitting, snarling cat-boy, to confused and embarrassed Uzumaki. She considers telling him that no matter how much he flattens himself against the statue's head, it's still pretty obvious he has no clothes on—especially since the statue's head is curved and thus making his shapely ass quite visible. Damn, she can almost understand her little brother's obsession with it. It's a rather nice posterior.

All perverted amusement aside, she's relieved the ordeal is finally over. Gaara had trusted her to keep the blond in check while he went into a private conference with several visiting civilian leaders to negotiate some rather sensitive trading agreements; and Uzumaki-nekochan was having none of that.

While it's difficult to extract a panicked and furious cat of the normal persuasion from such a high perch, it's downright impossible to do it with a cat-boy who has the strength and agility of a trained shinobi. Temari and a handful of others have just spent the past thirty minutes incurring numerous injuries trying to do the impossible. She doesn't even want to begin to contemplate what the Kazekage would have done to them had something happened to the blond boy. She's quite certain that her little brother would go to war with the rest of the world for the sake of Uzumaki—a rather terrifying thought that.

"T-Temari-san?" said blond calls out with an embarrassment-strained voice as he peeks down at them, face a deep, tomato red. "What's going on?"

"What's the last thing you remember?"

She can practically see the hamster wheel turning in his brain. The moment of silence stretches.

"Fighting those rogue shinobi. This one guy started doing a weird justsu and—that's it… mostly…"

"Mostly?" Must not leer. The captain of an elite jounin squad does not leer.

Naked-Uzumaki fidgets atop the statue, looking close to humiliated tears. "I didn't do anything… weird, did I? To Gaara, I mean."

"We-ell…"

"Temari-san! Temari-san! I found the Kazekage-sama!"

The blonde woman nearly curses the breathless, overenthusiastic genin that comes tripping down the hallway. Damn, now she can't tease Uzumaki anymore. She doesn't consider herself a sadist, exactly, but there is just something so pleasurable in getting a rise out of the loudmouth shinobi. Well, if she's going to be handing over her brother's heart to him, she might as well get something out of the whole deal. It's also payback, petty as that sounds, for the fact that he doesn't even know he has Gaara's heart. Poor baby brother, why must you be besotted with such a thickheaded idiot?

"What is going on here?" said baby brother asks as soon as he sees the crowd of people, including Temari, milling about the base of the statue.

She sketches a quick bow. "It seems Uzumaki has—"

"Gaara, help me! I'm naked!"

One thing is for certain, Temari has never seen that particular expression ever cross the redhead's face. It starts out as something akin to shock as his pale green eyes catch sight of Uzumaki, naked as the day he was born, waving frantically atop the head of the Third Kazekage's statue. Then the fact registers that Uzumaki is naked and begging—for help, but Temari doesn't think that part has quite penetrated yet, and, dear me, not the word she should be using right now—and Gaara's countenance turns… well, language hasn't evolved sufficiently to describe the look on his face. Suffice it to say, it's an expression she never thought she'd see Gaara turn on anybody, even Uzumaki. It causes the shinobi around him to blush at the intensity of it and to turn their gazes everywhere but at their leader. That is a look that should never leave the bedroom.

"Gaara?" the stranded blond calls again.

"Everyone, leave."

Everyone falls over themselves to obey the Kazekage's bitten out command. Temari is halfway out of the hall before she even realizes she has moved. She very, very briefly considers going back and then rejects that idea. It's for the best, really.

Uzumaki is a big boy. He'll be fine.

Probably.

Temari debates turning around and pretending that she hasn't seen anything, urgent request forms be damned. No, that would be irresponsible. Straightening her shoulders she fully pushes open the heavy door and walks inside.

Blushing and looking vaguely shell-shocked, Uzumaki perches awkwardly on her brother's lap. Gaara seems not the least bit put out about this. In fact, he gently yet forcibly restrains the blond with a rope of sand when Uzumaki tries to scramble to his feet upon noticing Temari's entrance. Uzumaki flails, squawks and finally settles down with an embarrassed pout. Though expressionless, Gaara gives off the air of one who is supremely satisfied with his current situation as he reads through a pile of request scrolls.

She feels a flutter of sisterly pride and a touch of melancholy. Looks like her baby brother is all grown up now and sexually harassing his beloved.

And is that a leather collar around Uzumaki's neck?

~End!!!~

A/N: Yes, this is truly, truly the end. The last one. No more—at least under this penname. Yes, the author has decided to slough off the skin of this penname and start going by a shiny new one. Thank you all very much for your patience and your support. Zie already has a tentative sequel to this piece in mind. Please look forward to it under the name Qismat Qami. /hugs and kisses/