Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks

by: iloveatem

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"Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling." -- Jerry Seinfeld

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"Nii-sama!"

The sound of typing was not interrupted. It rarely was.

"Yes, Mokuba." The screen illuminated bright squares into Kaiba's eyes.

"I have something to ask you…" His tone made Kaiba's hands halt above the keyboard, a rather magnificent feat. Kaiba twisted his chair around slightly to look at his little brother, sitting on the top of a table against the wall, swinging his legs to and fro like the pendulum of a clock.

"You have my attention." Yet another magnificent feat. Just how good was this kid?

"It's kind of…personal…" There he goes, ducking his head and appearing sheepish; a positively adorable sight to any random passerby. Of course, this being Seto Kaiba's office, such a person would be shot on the spot.

Still, it had its effect.

"What is it, Mokuba?" Not exactly impatient. A bit concerned, almost curious. Good, Mokuba had him right where he wanted him. Evil child.

"I wondered if you've ever had a crush." Odd thing to ask Seto Kaiba. Which would explain why said man was making such an incredulous face.

Certainly he loved this child. But remember, it was such a love that was not above grabbing the back of Mokuba's shirt with one hand and literally flinging him onto a moving aircraft.

"That's an irrelevant question to ask me, Mokuba. What is that you're sitting on?" Pink was not a color he hosted in his office. He found it annoying. Much too bright.

"Just a notebook, Nii-sama, but I'm glad you asked!" Such a sweet smile. It was a wonder why sugar wasn't spilling from his pours. "You see, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions." A pause.

"Regarding?"

"Well, see, that's just it. If you've never had a crush, I guess you can't…" he hung he head, frowning with acute hopelessness, "help me."

Kaiba looked straight at him, weighting and calculating in his head. Mokuba could tell this, and, despite the elder Kaiba's expression not changing from its hard and cold manner, Mokuba knew he was almost where he wanted.

"Mokuba," he said after a short pause. "You do know that if you have a problem, you can talk to me about it. As to whether or not I have any experience in the category, you should still know you can come to me about anything." The words were emotionless but true, and Mokuba did an inner victory dance. Here we go.

He hopped off the counter, gripping the notebook limply in his hand. "Yes, Nii-sama. But I don't want to annoy you with things you think are," he turn his head to his brother, subtle depression slinking into his feature, "'irrelevant'." Kaiba's eyes widened.

"Besides," Mokuba added before his brother could explain himself. "You've never had a crush, you can't possible understand anyway." There you go, Mokuba. Now just walk slowly towards the door…

"Mokuba." That single word, spoken with just a hint of harshness and a dash of defensiveness stopped Mokuba, and a grin spread across his face, one his brother could not see.

Score one: Mokuba.

Kaiba sighed. "Sit down, Mokuba." He did as he was told, wiping his face clean of any sign of victory and looking sullen again. Kaiba lightly pushed his monitor over so he could lean back in his leather chair and look straight at Mokuba, sitting in one of the squishy ones on the other side of the desk. "Perhaps I do know what you're talking about. Would you confide in me then?" It was amazing the emotions that Mokuba could pick out of Kaiba's voice considered it would have sounded flat and dull to absolutely anyone else. Caution with confidence, indecisive yet determined. Mokuba knew he had won. As to whether or not Kaiba himself knew the trap he had fallen into was of no consequence.

"What do you mean, Nii-sama? You've had a crush before?" Mokuba looked curious, almost shocked. Almost there, Mokuba…almost there…

Kaiba propped his elbows up on his armrests and intertwined his fingers together thoughtfully. "Do not answer a question with another question, Mokuba."

The boy hung his head. "Yes, Nii-sama, I would confide in you then. Assuming, of course," Mokuba smiled genuinely up at his brother, "you knew what you were talking about and were not just guessing from experiences you have not had." Kaiba nodded, accepting that answer.

"What did you need to ask me?" Kaiba's eyes flicked for a second to the pink notebook as Mokuba clutched it tightly in his hand, but made no comment. Mokuba knew he was on thin ice, and could not yet open the notebook until he was sure his brother wouldn't shy away from the topic.

"Nii-sama," he said, drawing out the word in innocent curiosity. "Have you ever liked someone?" Stutter, Mokuba, stutter. Appear as if this isn't all already planned. "I-I mean," he looked at his shoes. "More than normal?" He chanced a glance up at his brother, and was delighted to see the thoughtfully serious look on his face.

That's right, Mokuba, he thought to himself, Make him think it's about you, not him. Don't put him on the defensive.

After a short but significant pause. Kaiba spoke.

"Yes," he said simply.

Mokuba threw a celebratory party in his head.

"Oh, that's wonderful, Nii-sama! You do know what I'm talking about," he smiled. Kaiba didn't react.

"And what exactly are you getting at, Mokuba?"

Mokuba faltered. Not good.

"Nii-sama, I just need some advice," he rubbed his finger under his nose, a simple habit he had developed as a small child.

"And what is it you need to know?"

Mokuba smiled innocently up at him. "What did your crush look like?" Good job, Mokuba! Past tense, wonderful!

Kaiba frowned. "And what do you mean by that?"

Mokuba hung his head again, crushing the happiness from his face. "I was just…just…" Clutching the notebook tighter to his chest, Mokuba made perfectly sure that his bangs covered his eyes.

Kaiba's eyes softened slightly. "Well…" he chanced slowly. "They have…" He paused, thinking. "Yellow hair."

Mokuba snapped his head up to Kaiba, looking alarmed. Kaiba, being Kaiba, didn't react.

"Really? Yellow? Are you sure?" Mokuba pressed. Kaiba scowled.

"What the hell else would it be?" Oh crap, he's defensive, Mokuba, defensive!

"Oh…I don't know," Mokuba cautioned. "Maybe soft silk spun into gold, or," he waved his arm around for emphasis. "The color of sunshine?"

Kaiba gaped at him (as much as Seto Kaiba can gap, mind you).

"Mokuba," he spoke slowly, as if speaking to a small child (which, true, Mokuba was, but it was still offensive!). "I've seen gold. I own enough to feed a third world country. I'm well aware of what color it is. And as for sunshine," he scowled. "Does it even have a color?"

Mokuba gave a small smile. "Whether or not it does is of little importance, Nii-sama. It's just more…" Oh god, I can't say romantic! He'll explode! "…intriguing?"

Kaiba deadpanned. "Intriguing? You do realize it's just dead cells, Mokuba? What are they teaching you in that school of yours?"

Moving on! "Well, okay Nii-sama. Yellow hair is fine." NOT! "How about the eyes?"

"I have yet to understand just how this is helping your problem, Mokuba."

"Don't worry, Nii-sama! I swear, you're helping me more than you know! Now, how about those eyes?"

Kaiba blinked. "Brown."

Mokuba's bottom, left eyelid twitched.

They waited.

…

"Are you sure?" Mokuba breathed. Kaiba frowned further.

"Yes. With as much time as I spend pointedly not looking into their eyes like a love struck idiot, I can still be expected to have a flawless photographic memory. You should know this well enough by now, Mokuba," Kaiba clearly replied. Mokuba, however, still looked disappointed. "What, pray tell, were you expecting?"

"Like…deeps pools of honey, determined and defiant spheres of amber or liquid gold, adorable puppy-dog eyes, or maybe something about a fire burning deep within chocolate orbs?" Mokuba looked hopefully at his brother, whose face resembled that of someone who had just been told that "No, we're sorry, we don't accept MasterCard."

"Mokuba, eyes are not edible," he paused, looking hard at his brother. "Is this some unsubtle way of confessing cannibalistic tendencies?"

"What?!"

"What else can I assume with you talking about honey and chocolate? And only a dog can have doglike eyes. That is why they are dogs. And," his face became more critical. "I really hope you would show more concern if someone's eyes were on fire."

"Nii-sama! It's metaphorical!"

"You should know, Mokuba, that I am neither a fan of metaphorical nor hypothetical situations. I much prefer reality, one where body parts will not be eaten nor spontaneously combust."

Mokuba, now much more frustrated than he was letting on, finally flipped open the notebook. Kaiba decided that it was best not to ask about it. He didn't wish to open another can of worms like the one he was currently in the middle of.

"Fine, Nii-sama. Brown eyes, yellow hair. If that's how you see it…" Mokuba pretended not to noticed Kaiba's curt nod.

"What would you say about their physique, nii-sama?" Mokuba smiled up at his brother, who now, shockingly, wore an even deeper frown. "And that includes, of course, how they smell."

"I don't make it a habit to stare at other people's bodies, Mokuba. That is neither efficient nor appealing." His eyes narrowed. "And I do not go around recording the varying scents people give off. The very thought it nauseating."

Mokuba blinked. "But, Nii-sama! You're the one that said you had a flawless photographic memory!"

"Which I do, however that does not mean--"

"Surely you couldn't have forgotten what their frame looks like! But, I suppose even you can have a mental slip-up. I won't hold it against you, Nii-sa--"

"Fine, Mokuba, I will tell you what I know," he seemed frustrated, putout even. Kaiba did not like to be underestimated. "They're shorter than me, obviously. They're posture is horrifying and they're much too skinny for their eating habits. Surely, if their metabolism was any slower, they would weight well over a ton. And, besides the fact that they are in desperate need of a haircut, they're appearance is always unorganized and insulting to any respectable human being," Kaiba wasn't looking at Mokuba anymore. He was glaring at the wall, seemingly spilling bottled up intolerances. "It's a wonder how they manage to get dressed in the morning without strangling themselves, because their wardrobe is never properly fitted, positioned, or worn correctly, and, for some reason, they pride themselves on their ability to maintain the absolute lowest IQ without being thrown out of school and being a mockery to everything even remotely admirable in this world."

Kaiba stopped, suddenly aware that he might have said too much. Mokuba stared wide-eyed at his brother. Such rants were rare from the elder. And yet Mokuba could not stop the sinking sensation he felt in the pit of his stomach. How could his brother harbor such a disgust for someone he claimed to possible have a crush on? That hardly made sense.

But Mokuba could not give up. He was determined for his brother to pass the Ultimate Test.

"Nii-sama, that's so harsh," he muttered. Kaiba didn't show that he heard him. "Usually, one doesn't think such things about their crush."

"Yes, well…" Kaiba leaned his head back on his chair, closing his eyes in what was apparent emotional exhaustion. "I supposed I'm not one to be called normal."

Mokuba smiled. No…I supposed not.

"But, would you admit to any of their characteristics being, maybe," he paused, not for dramatic emphasis or tension, but for a desperate attempt at proper wording. "…tanned and muscular?"

Kaiba gave a short and rather sarcastic burst of laughter.

"Or, you know," Mokuba added quickly. "Umm….angelic?" Kaiba head snapped up much too quickly to stare incredulously at his brother. Such an action would cause anyone normal to have whiplash. Kaiba, we have established, is not normal.

"…Angelic." It was not a question. It was stated lowly and without much conviction, almost like Kaiba couldn't believe such a word to be in association to his so-called 'crush'.

"Yes! You know, like, all innocent and shiny! A gift from heaven, or something," Mokuba clarified, realizing only after he spoke just how fucked up that would sound in Kaiba's ears.

"Innocent and shiny." There he went again, restating what Mokuba said with a shocked tone. Mokuba nodded, feeling that feeling of impending doom that only Kaiba could evoke in people. He paused. "No." He deadpanned.

"But, nii-sama--"

"Listen, Mokuba," he leaned forward, resting his chin on his clutching fingers. "Let's not forgo my absolute disbelief in anything remotely pertaining to things like angels and heaven. Now, Mokuba, tell me just why exactly I would choose to compare someone to something I believe to be of no more existence than Santa Clause or all the crap Yuugi insists on incessantly spouting. Why, we might as well compare them to the flying spaghetti monster, for Christ's sake!"

"Um…"

"And don't make me repeat myself about the whole metaphorical thing."

"Well, this is more of a simile, actually." Mokuba laughed nervously, rubbing beneath his nose again. Kaiba did not look amused. "I mean, Nii-sama, you can at least admit to human innocence," he persisted.

Kaiba scowled for what must have been the hundredth time. "Human innocence is as believable as the superstition that you'll turn into a cow if you go to sleep right after eating. Mokuba, you know no one is ever truly innocent."

"That's not true!"

"Mokuba, everyone lies and everyone sins. It's just the way it is. And if I were to ever think, even for a second, that that person," his eyes flashed, "is innocent, I may as well just eat some ramen, go to sleep, and prepared to be milked the next morning."

Mokuba looked stunned. He opened his mouth to speak, only to shut it again. Such…imagery. No amount of counseling would ever make him right again.

"If anything, they are the epitome of immorality," Kaiba finished resolutely, looking pleased with himself and apparently not noticing anything wrong with his brother.

Mokuba let out a long and hopeless sigh. He really was getting no where.

Oh well. One more question couldn't hurt, could it?

"Um…So, in general, Nii-sama, how would you describe their demeanor and behavior," Mokuba did not try to hid the fact that he was quickly reading the notes written on the side of the notebook. Nor did he hid his confused twitch at reading 'Is not cooperating. Must be forced to wear bikini and pose for pictures' in the upper righthand corner of one of Jounouchi's pages. Still, he scanned the options for the question he had just asked Kaiba, hoping against hope that his brother would mention at least one of them. So far, Kaiba was failing the test miserably. How on Earth, Mokuba thought, would he be expected to pass the Ultimate Test?!

The pause, longer than usual as Kaiba was really taking time to assess the question, ended suddenly at Kaiba's next words. "They are a clumsy idiot."

Mokuba inwardly flinched. 'Clumsy idiot' was not on the list of romantic options.

Once again, a short wait ensued. Mokuba inwardly begged his brother to continue his thoughts, but with no such luck, the boy asked, "Just a clumsy idiot?"

"Actually, yes. That is all that they are."

"Are you sure you don't wish to compare their…behavior with that of, say, an animal of some sort?" Mokuba paused. His brother wasn't getting it. "Say, something furry?" Kaiba remained silent. "Something…cute and adorable?" No reaction. "Something loyal and persistent?" Nope. "Something you just want to cuddle and spend the rest of your life with?"

….nugatory.

"Are you suggesting outer species breeding, Mokuba?"

Mokuba's jaw dropped. Just what the hell was wrong with his brother?!

"NO! A puppy! A pup! Little puppy names to show your affection in a slightly insulting, but still somewhat in-character, way!" Mokuba knew he was ranting now, but he needed to get a point across, damn it! "Sure, it'll start as a harsh and cutting insult! 'Mutt', you'll say, 'Make Inu'! But, as you grow closer and more fond of one another, it'll randomly change into 'Puppy' and 'Pup', which will instantly be construed as a loving and adorable nickname for a more intimate bonding experience despite their pretending not to really like it, and which will most definitely give you the option of running your hands through their hair and patting their head just to enunciate your point! And, as such, you will become the 'master', which will more than likely pissed them off, but that will form the relationship into a cutely flirtatious and not really defensive atmosphere, as you slowly melt your cold outer walls with the fire of your passion and open up to the first person other than me that you ever have, suddenly confessing as to why you are the way you are and how they'll instantly understand and related to you, forcing you to become even closer in your affections!"

With a flurry of pants, Mokuba ended abruptly.

Kaiba himself looked as stunned as Kaiba could, which really wasn't saying a lot, but was still significant.

There was a long and fairly awkward pause, one where Mokuba finally forced himself to settle down and Kaiba finally organized his thoughts.

"This is all rehearsed, isn't it?" Kaiba asked darkly. Mokuba hung his head guiltily but said nothing. Kaiba clenched his fists underneath his desk.

"Mokuba." The boy looked cautiously up at him. Kaiba looked straight into his eyes, not glaring, but his stare was so hard Mokuba nearly flinched. "Tell me. What does that book say Jounouchi smells like?"

Startled Mokuba was about to protest, saying that it wasn't Jounouchi, and that the book didn't hold all the answers, and it wasn't all rehearsed, but that look in Kaiba's eyes, one that suggested he may just grab the nearest electrically run thing and smash it into the wall, stopped him. Instead, he gulped and looked down at the book, hurriedly if nervously flipping through some pages.

"Um…" He spoke quietly, almost ashamed. "Vanilla and…his hair smells like apples."

"Mokuba."

Mokuba didn't look back up at him. "Yes?"

"Will you let me get back to work?" The boy nodded before slowly getting up, notebook in hand, and walking to the door. He opened the door, full to the brim with disappointment and trepidation.

His brother really wouldn't pass the Ultimate Test.

He slowly closed the door.

Right before it clicked shut, Mokuba heard a small chuckle from inside the room, and a quiet statement, so low that he wouldn't have even heard it if he hadn't unconsciously been holding his breath.

"Apples…why doesn't anyone realize it's mangos?"

A huge smile split across Mokuba's face. Maybe there was hope after all.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

See! I'm not dead. But being alive is so...overrated.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Thank you to everyone who reviewed and suggested the Jounouchi-terms! I tried to use as many as possible!!!

Anyway, there you go. This was way more difficult to write than last chapter. How on Earth, thought I, would Kaiba do this and still be IC? So, reviewers, pray tell, did Kaiba stay IC? I certainly hope so. OOC is so annoying.

Aha! So, I applaud those of your who got the cow thing. Did you know? In Japan, it is a common superstition that if you eat and go to sleep right afterwards, you will turn into a cow in the night. I think that's magnificent.

Please tell me what you thought of this chapter. Reviews make me happy. I have no idea why. Maybe I have self-esteem issues. Hm...And now I need to know, a happy, simple thing really. WHAT are your favorite steriotypical KaiJou ff SITUATIONS. The things that appear every, single time! And keep it coming with the descriptions! I need those!

And for those of you pissed at me for not updating Distance, fear not! The next chapter is already well underway!

Thanks for reading and reviewing (if you do).

-iloveatem