Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks
by: iloveatem
"I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'" --Ellen DeGeneres
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"Onii-chan!" Jounouchi looked up from his soda to see two girls slip into the seats opposite him. What had previously been an empty table, save Jounouchi, was now fairly crowded.
"What's up Shizuka, Anzu?" Jounouchi sucked on his straw, despite the fact that the beverage was almost all gone, and really without enough motive to go and refill it. The small burger joint was empty today. Jounouchi wasn't one to enjoy solitude for long periods of time, so he was grateful for his two new companions.
"Jounouchi, we know about your problem," Anzu's serious tone steered Jounouchi's eyes to her. He blinked.
"Problem?"
"We want to help, onii-chan!" Shizuka beamed with happiness.
"Well, that's nice and all, but you're going to have to fill me in sometime," he popped the cap off his drink and tipped the last of the soda into his mouth.
"We know that you have a crush on Kaiba." Promptly, whatever soda had been in Jounouchi's mouth was spit out.
"W-what?!" Hands were slammed on the table, now littered with liquid drops.
"Onii-chan, you don't need to hide it! It's perfectly natural for a boy your age to like someone." Could Shizuka look any happier?
"We've come to train you," Anzu nodded, like that was the most obvious thing in the world. Jounouchi gawked at her.
"W-w-whoa, wait a minute! What could possibly make you think I got the hots for that ass monkey!? Are you completely out of your minds!?" It was comical, the way Jounouchi's limps could flail about, making him seem more like a monkey than anyone, be it 'ass' or not. Anzu shook her head.
"Jounouchi, just accept that we know. We're not going to tell anyone. We're on your side. And we're not letting you leave until we've decided you've learned enough to catch him." An almost maniacal gleam passed through her eyes before Anzu crossed her arms, glaring at him. Jounouchi's eye twitched.
"Nu-…Wai-…I don't thi--…You can't poss---…Why do you--"
"Onii-chan, you're all flustered and red! That's so cute!" Shizuka cooed. Jounouchi stared at his sister for several moments before sinking half-heartedly back into his seat.
"What is wrong with you people?" he murmured darkly under his breath.
"'We people' are the ones who are going to get you a boyfriend," Anzu stated matter-of-factly, suddenly slapping a well worn, pink composite notebook onto the table. Jounouchi glared at it as if it were mocking him. The aura of Death surrounded it.
"How long have you guys had this…this…crazy idea?" he asked, frowning.
Anzu laughed, but Shizuka looked put out. "You're still denying it, onii-chan? How can you lie to your sister? …I thought we had a better relationship than that." She ducked her head, hiding her eyes under her bangs. Jounouchi panicked.
"Shizuka…chan! Please, don't do this to your onii-chan! You know I love you!! Oh, come on, give a guy a break!" He was fidgeting desperately.
"So…you really don't like Kaiba-kun, onii-chan?" she asked, her voice dripping with innocent curiosity. Jounouchi hesitated.
"Well…I mean--…I don't hate the guy…and maybe I do kind of think he's cute…and I might maybe have a tiny, tiny thing for him, maybe--"
"Well, that's wonderful, onii-chan!!" Shizuka brightened up considerably. Jounouchi resembled a recently deflated balloon. He perked up instantly.
"Hey! You tricked me!!"
"It was for your own good, Jounouchi."
"Yea, but--"
"So!" Anzu flipped the notebook open and quickly scanned a page. Jounouchi couldn't make out what it said. "Now that we've got that taken care of, it's time we get to phase two."
"There's a phase two?!"
"Oh, it's easy, onii-chan! It's just to test how much of a romantic you are!" Shizuka patted his hand lovingly. "I'm sure you'll pass with flying colors!"
"What? How much of a romantic I am? What's that got to do with anything!?" Jounouchi glared at Anzu.
"It has everything to do with anything," Anzu replied. Jounouchi blinked at her. "Now, just answer these question as best you can, and we'll go from there."
Jounouchi gulped. He'd never been very good at answering questions. Or "going from there", for that matter.
"Question 1: What color are Kaiba's eyes?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anyth--"
"Answer the damn question, Jounouchi!"
Jounouchi grumbled to himself. Oh well. At least it was an easy question.
"Blue." Shizuka and Anzu stared at him for several moments, waiting. Jounouchi stared back.
"And…"
"'And' what? They're blue."
"That's horrible, onii-chan!"
"What?!"
Anzu was shaking her head. "This is going to take a lot more work than I had first thought…"
"What are you talking about?!? They're fucking blue!!" Jounouchi was frustrated. They were blue, weren't they? Was it more of a green? No, it couldn't be! Had he recently gotten eye surgery and now they were some totally different color?
Maybe he got black to match his soul...
"No, onii-chan, that's not romantic at all…"
"Huh?"
"Haven't you ever read romance novels? Watched soap operas? Read fan fiction!?" Jounouchi stared at Anzu as if she had two heads. She gave an exasperated sigh.
"What we mean, Jounouchi, is that Kaiba's eyes aren't merely 'blue'. They're a deep, vast, and piercing cobalt ocean, reflecting all the emotions he holds deep inside, occasionally allowing his lover to see a glimmer of the azure adoration he rarely acts upon." Anzu gazed off into the distance. Shizuka cut in.
"They're two shimmering sapphire pools, gleaming with untold feeling!" Shizuka clasped her hands together and sighed deeply. "And if you look close enough, you'll see a flash; determination, strength, and, perhaps, something else that you can't quite identify… something that you've never seen there before…" The two girls were quiet for a minute.
"Okay, now that was just creepy."
"It's romantic, Jounouchi!"
"Romantic my foot, that's stalker material right there!"
"Oh, shut up Jounouchi. We're trying to help."
"Yea well, I don't think reciting something as freaky as that is going to help me bag anyone," Jounouchi crossed his arms.
"You don't recite it, Jounouchi! You use the knowledge!"
Jounouchi snorted. Anzu glared at him before pulling a pen out of her pocket and furiously scribbling something in the notebook.
"Hey… Hey! What the hell are you writing!?"
"Oh nothing, just plans for the long, extensive, and difficult training you require since you seem so prone on not cooperating with us…" Shizuka glanced at what Anzu was writing and giggled.
"Oh, that'll be so much fun, Anzu-chan! Do you think they sell them in pink?"
Anzu nodded. "Of course, I have two pairs at home, one even has bunny prints." Jounouchi balked.
"Okay okay!! God damn! I'll go along with this stupid thing! What's the next question!?"
Anzu smiled. "Good Jounouchi." She turned a page and glanced at it. "What is the color of Kaiba's hair.
"Brown," he instantly replied. Anzu and Shizuka glared. "Uh…I mean…it's uh…brown as the mud puddles after a huge storm." Jounouchi looked pleased with himself. Anzu smacked herself on the forehead and Shizuka sobbed.
"Wait, wait, wait, let me try again!" Jounouchi said desperately. He thought for a second. "It's the color of the burger patties they sell here!"
"No it isn't! Those are grey!"
"What!? Seriously? What the hell am I doing eating grey burgers?!"
"That's not the point, onii-chan!"
"What the hell do you expect me to say!? I'm not a girl!"
"You don't have to be a girl to be observant, Jounouchi!"
"It's BROWN! What am I supposed to SAY!?"
Anzu looked at a page of her notebook. "'Silky smooth chestnut' or 'soft, shimmering mocha' both would have been acceptable." His eyes were considerably wider now. It was a wonder why they didn't pop right out of his skull. Anzu check the page again.
"We also would have been fine with 'chocolate' or 'brunet'."
"Okay, wonderful. I'm learning an ass-full." Jounouchi slouched in his seat and frowned. "Get on to your next insane question."
Anzu looked at him curiously for a moment. "Just so you know, Jounouchi," she stated suddenly. "You'll be tested on all of this, so you best pay attention." Jounouchi lurched forward.
"WHAT?!"
"It's true onii-chan! The ultimate test!" The smile spread all across her face.
"Wha--…ultimate tes--…What are you talking about!?"
"You'll see soon enough," Anzu replied cheerfully. "Now, next question!" Jounouchi looked fearful.
"How would you describe Kaiba's voice?" Jounouchi smirked. Now here was something he could ace.
"Cold, demeaning, and arrogant," he listed off. "And indifferent, smug, cocky, ass-holey, belittling, analytical, sarcastic, venomous…" he paused, thinking of something the girls would like. "And deep."
Anzu stared proudly at him. Shizuka was smiling so wide, her eyes were forced shut.
"I don't think 'ass-holey' is a word, but that was perfectly…acceptable," Anzu made a mark on her paper.
"Seriously!?" Jounouchi hopped up in his seat. Anzu shrugged.
"You should have put 'sharp' somewhere in there, and maybe have used 'ice cold' instead of just 'cold', but, otherwise, it was okay." Jounouchi threw a fist in the air.
"'Gravely', 'silky smooth', or 'leg buckling-ly sexy' would have put you in the extra point range."
"I don't think 'buckling-ly' is a word either, Anzu. And how can one voice be both 'gravely' and 'silky smooth'?"
"It's a matter of opinion really."
"Right…"
"Okay, next question!" Jounouchi flinched subconsciously.
"Describe Kaiba's body."
"What!?!"
"Oh, come on, Jounouchi! We know you've seen it! You have gym with Kaiba. I'm a girl so I don't do gym with you, but you had swimming a month ago! Surely you remember Kaiba's body!" Anzu looked at him like it was the simplest thing in the world.
Jounouchi could feel his face burning up.
"Do I have to do this…?"
"Onii-chan, come on, it isn't that hard."
"I'm sure you've done it plenty of times in your head, anyway."
"Shut it, Anzu."
…
"We're waiting, Jounouchi."
"Yea yea, give me a second." Jounouchi closed his eyes and delved into his memory bank, looking for a specific image he had made sure to store away for safe keeping. A particular scene, where Jounouchi had been sitting on a bench, drying his hair off with a lime green towel and there was Kaiba, standing on the other side of the pool, arguing with the instructor about how he couldn't "keep to the shallow end" because his legs were too long and he's end up waddling through it like some kind of weird seagull anyway. He had only been wearing swim trunks then. And Kaiba had been right, Jounouchi remembered thinking.
"His legs are long," he said suddenly.
Anzu and Shizuka nodded, encouraging him to go on.
"And…his torso's long too." Jounouchi thought. "And his arms are long." He stopped, looking at his two tormentors innocently. "Okay, that's all."
There was silence. Then…
"That's ALL!?"
"Are you serious, onii-chan!?"
"You think that's it, Jounouchi? Everything about Kaiba's body is just 'long', is it?" Anzu bristled.
"We can hope."
Jounouchi snapped his hands over his mouth and Shizuka turned bright red. Anzu smirked, but decided to ignore Jounouchi's remark.
"Jounouchi, you have to be more descriptive! Look into your heart!" Anzu reprimanded him passionately. Jounouchi twitched.
"The sun shines out his ass and his nipples are cherry flavored. How's that?"
"Now you're just being a jerk, onii-chan…"
"Well then, enlighten me. What the hell am I supposed to say, hm?" Jounouchi was quite close to pulling his hair out.
"Olive tanned skin that glows in the sun," Anzu began.
"Or soft, creamy pale skin, smooth and flawless," Shizuka added.
"Taunt muscles…"
"Broad shoulders…"
"Slim figure…"
"Angular cheek bones…"
"Long, white and highly suckable neck…"
"Soft, warm palms that fit perfectly within your own…"
"Long, beautiful fingers that caress your cheek…"
"Soft, kiss-swollen lips…"
"Nice, firm ass…"
"Say what?!" Jounouchi was becoming officially disturbed.
"Sorry, we got a little carried away, onii-chan." Giggle.
"But you get the basic concept, right? You get what we're trying to teach you?" Anzu looked hard at Jounouchi.
"Uh…I'm trying to. Really. But I don't think it's sticking." The girls sighed.
"We understand, Jounouchi. Okay, now, just take all you've learned today and try to answer this question," Anzu said sadly.
Jounouchi could feel the pressure of Impending Doom.
"What does Kaiba smell like?"
Blink. Twitch. Very twitchy.
"How in god's name am I supposed to know that!?" Jounouchi exploded. "That's literally impossible for me to answer!"
"No it isn't, onii-chan!" Shizuka insisted.
"She's right, Jounouchi. You've gotten into a lot of fights with Kaiba, some of which you two ended up right in each other's face. You have to know what he smells like."
"When that happens, I'm usually too preoccupied with other things, like, I don't know, beating the crap out of him!"
"Onii-chan…"
"And you call yourself someone with a crush…"
"Huh?"
"You're subconscious knows what Kaiba smells like, Jounouchi."
"It's true, onii-chan! You just have to close your eyes and concentrate." Smile. That smile that could make Jounouchi do anything. He sighed.
"Okay, Shizuka. I'll do it for you." He glared heatedly at Anzu for a second before closing his eyes tightly.
Okay, think. What does Kaiba -shudder- smell like? True, he had been at Kaiba's throat more than once (not in that way, silly fan girls!…at least, not yet anyway.). But he had never registered how his rival had smelled, for god's sake! He had been fuming, more interested in pummeling Kaiba's face than in wondering if he had had a shower that morning.
After a couple minutes of intense thinking, Jounouchi came up with absolutely nothing. Maybe Kaiba had some weird birth defect that gave him absolutely no smell. He'd decided the only thing he could do was make something up.
"I'd have to say it's a mixture of really expensive cologne and B.O.," Jounouchi closed his eyes and nodded. Yes, that would be good enough.
"Hmmm…no," Anzu deadpanned. Shizuka shook her head in despair.
"Okay, you caught me, I have no idea how he smells," Jounouchi said.
"Make a romantic guess, Jounouchi!! Use what you've learned!!"
That was it.
Jounouchi slammed his fists on the table, making it shudder. "Rainbows and farts! Is that what you wanted to hear!?" He grabbed his bag and exited the restaurant without looking back. "I'm not good at this shit!" were his last words before the door slammed behind him.
There was silence for a short time.
"Onii-chan didn't learn anything, did he? He's not going to pass the test…" Shizuka gripped her hands together in her lap. Anzu shook her head.
"Quite the contrary, Shizuka-chan. I think you're brother learned quite a lot. I believe he'll ace the test completely."
Shizuka smiled. "Really? You think so, Anzu?" She nodded.
"Now come on," she said, standing up. "Someone else needs this notebook A.S.A.P. We need to put phase three into motion…"
0o0o0o0o0o0o
I got the idea for this after finishing up yet another of the thousands of weekends I spend reading KaiJou fanfiction. I realized a lot of different terms used to describe Kaiba and Jounouchi are used over and over again. All in all, I was a bit agitated. And so, like I do with all my problems, I wrote a fanfiction.
This is a three-shot. Can anyone guess what the NEXT chapter will be about XD. Of course you can. And thusly, I am forced to ask you a question.
What are your FAVORITE, or, in any case, least favorite terms you see used to describe Jounouchi or Kaiba? The ones you see all the time in fanfiction and have grown to either love, hate, or love and then get tired of? Pray tell, for I need them to fuel this little fanfiction.
Thank you for reading and, as always, don't hesitate to leave a comment if you enjoyed.
-iloveatem