A Personal Matter

R. Winters

This chapter is a preview/parody of the sequel to A Personal Matter. There are no spoilers for the sequel, this is just something fun you can read before heading over to that, if you want. To find the sequel, simply click on my profile and scroll down to Sphere of Influence. I hope you enjoy the parody; see you at the sequel!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. Some of the events mentioned in the following text may be reminiscent of various crossovers out there… No offense is intended, this preview is a parody of several clichés out there (and some things I just thought would be funny), all of which are pulled off much better in a serious setting.

And just so you don't miss it, this is a gag chapter, none of the following actually occurs in my story (thus all the "doesn't"s, "aren't"s and "isn't"s). Thank you.

Sphere of Influence Preview/Parody

In a world where Harry doesn't tragically become left-handed…

"Go ahead, Harii," the Sandaime encouraged, waving a hand towards the large bird perched on the back of his chair, "It will let you take the letter."

The ten-year-old eyed the sharp talons warily and reluctantly reached for the paper tied to the Phoenix's leg. His fingers closed around the rough envelope and he pulled back, only to freeze as a sharp beak encircled his wrist.

For a second all he could do was stare into the bird's eyes in surprise. Fawkes stared back with wide, watery eyes.

"Aaaaauuuuugh!" Harry screamed as the pain set in—he struggled wildly against the hold the bird had on his arm, shaking it and pulling as hard as he could in an attempt to get it loose.

Fawkes stubbornly held tightly to his prey, unwilling to relent after having endured such a long flight to reach Konoha.

"Harii, I don't think you should—" Kakashi started, only to fall silent when Harry suddenly fell backwards. His single dark eye stared dully at the scene that didn't seem to want to sink in.

"A-a-aaaaaaaaauuuhhhh!" Harry screeched, breaking the momentary silence and staring at his right hand in horror, as one might when one's right hand is clamped in the beak of a giant bird of prey and one's right arm is spraying blood in its stead.

In a world where Sarutobi and Dumbledore aren't old chums…

"Sarutobi!" Harry gaped in surprise at the delighted exclamation the old man released, "It's been such a long time!"

"Nearly five years, I think," the Sandaime agreed amiably, "Far too long, my old friend."

"And here's young Harry," Dumbledore said happily, turning from the Hokage to the young white-haired boy beside him, "It's good to see you again, my boy, you seem much saner this time."

"Wha?" Harry got out intelligibly.

"Never mind," the wizard excused, "Come, Sarutobi, I'll give you a tour of my wonderful castle!"

"Ah, yes, Hogwash or whatever it is," Sarutobi chirped, "You always tell such strange stories of it, I've been looking forward to seeing it for years."

The young Hatake stared as the two men walked off, arm in arm, apparently having forgotten his presence. His eyes followed them until they were out of sight, then he frowned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I thought I was supposed to be the hero in this story," he grumbled, turning on his heel, "Whatever. If they're going to ignore me, I'm just going home. I wonder if Tenzou has any of that Nigiri Toro left…"

In a world where Harry isn't stuck with any particular element…

The eleven-year-old pursed his lips, staring unhappily at the object on his desk. Reluctantly, he raised his hand, "McGonagall-sensei," he called out grudgingly, "It happened again!"

The stern-faced woman made her way over to where he was sitting with an exasperated sigh, "Mr. Potter, this is becoming completely ridiculous. The exercise it to turn a matchstick into a needle—it isn't a difficult task."

"I know," the boy said miserably, "But every time I try, this is just how it comes out!" He gestured helplessly at the slowly melting block of ice on his desk top.

In a world where Kakashi doesn't know everything…

"That's all?" The older teen questioned with a raised eyebrow, "Why didn't you say so earlier?"

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but Kakashi was already talking again.

"The reason you keep getting ice every time you use magic is because you're an Elemental," the elder Hatake explained, pulling out a large, dusty book, "See? It says so right here in this ancient book written by the Centaurs more than 15,000 years ago. It's common knowledge, otouto."

Harry looked on curiously as his brother opened the heavy tome to about two-thirds of the way through. The Jounin then turned the book so Harry could see the entry he'd indicated.

"Harry Potter is an Ice Elemental," Harry read before giving his brother an incredulous look, "Is this a joke?!"

The older boy nodded in an exasperated way, "I know, I know, but it seems the Centaurs didn't realize you'd be named Hatake Harii, instead." He shrugged, "Everyone makes mistakes, Harii."

In a world where leaving your village for seven years isn't considered a fair trade for useless knowledge…

"I insist you go to Hogwarts, Harii-kun," the Hokage said, "We'll treat it as a mission."

The Genin frowned moodily, "Fine… how long do I have to go for?"

"Oh, it's not long at all," the Sandaime assured him, "Nine and a half months out of the year for seven years—that's not so bad."

Harry gaped at the man incredulously, "Seven years?!"

"Well… there are an awful lot of swishy motions you need to learn to make, Harii," the Hokage reasoned.

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi started unhappily, "Seven years is kind of extreme, isn't it? If he stayed here, he could already become a Jounin in that time."

"True…" The Hokage agreed reluctantly, "But if he goes to Hogwarts he will learn about magic. No one else in the Shinobi Countries knows about magic."

"But for seven years?!" Harry exclaimed, "What kind of magic will I be learning?"

"Very useful stuff," the Hokage assured him, "Things like… washing dishes and transporting from one place to another instantaneously."

"… You mean sort of like the Body Flicker Technique?" Kakashi asked dryly.

"Sort of," the Hokage agreed, "But with a loud pop instead of smoke."

"…" The two Hatake brothers exchanged dry looks.

In a world where canon Naruto characters aren't thrown in just for the heck of it…

"Tenzou, why are you here?" Harry asked in surprise.

"It's Christmas, idiot," Tenzou replied, "We couldn't let you be all by yourself for Christmas!"

"… But… we've never celebrated Christmas before," Harry pointed out uncertainly.

Tenzou rolled his eyes, "Don't question the whims of the author!" He snapped, rubbing his hands up and down on his arms, "Now can we go inside? It's freezing out here!"

"Uh… yeah, sure," Harry agreed, turning to lead the way through the large castle doors.

"Oh, and before I forget, Naruto, Itachi, Sasuke, and Shikamaru should be arriving soon, too," Tenzou said.

"… Who?" Harry asked in bemusement.

"And Asuma, Kurenai, Genma, and Raido, probably," Tenzou continued obliviously.

"…"

"I think I heard Iruka and that Morino guy might be coming, too," Tenzou mused.

"…"

"Harii!" A delighted voice exclaimed suddenly, "And Tenzou, too! I didn't know you guys were here!"

The two boys turned with wide eyes to see a silvery ghost floating into the room.

"Sensei?!" Harry cried in surprise, "How… what… ?!"

"Huh," Tenzou said, "That's weird, isn't it? So you came all the way here to become a ghost after you died, Yondaime-sama?"

The ghost nodded its spiky head, "Of course!"

In a world… where none of that happens… Orodruin Production brings you…

Sphere of Influence

Check out the actual story to see what actually happens.