Casey,

I sit here three rows down and watch you as you lean against your hand, reading something on your computer screen. It's intoxicating, just seeing you sitting there, lost in your own thoughts, completely oblivious to the outside world and the effect you have on it. And you do have an effect on it. Your presence is like sunshine breaking through a rain storm. It's like a rainbow across a cloudless blue sky after an afternoon shower.

You fill the room with a special something that is completely you whenever you walk in.

And you don't even realize the power you have. You don't understand what you do just by being you.

Your eyes sparkle like the most flawless sapphires as you smile at something you read and it causes my heart to beat faster. You beginning nibbling at the tip of your long, perfect red nail as you concentrate on the screen and I wish more than anything in the world I had the power to captivate you as you have captivated me.

I know that I am not the man you're thinking of us as you drift away to sleep tonight and I can only hold on to the hope that someday you will know me. Someday you will see me like I see you, as the bright center of the universe, the Sun which the world revolves around.

Someday, love. Someday.

I sat there reading and rereading the message I just received and trying to figure out where it came from, who sent it. It was the third of its kind and I still had no clue as to the author's identity. But what I did know was that my heart jumped every time I saw that I had a message from him. His words were so beautiful and sincere.

Evan's voice droned away in the background of my thoughts reminding me that he was there, sitting across from me sipping at a Styrofoam cup and telling me about something I was clearly not interested in. I nodded indulgently every once in a while, never hinting that really his presence was more or less just annoying me at the moment as I tried to concentrate on the words in front of me and how I was going to reply to them.

Was I cheating on Evan by just talking to this person that obvious had more than friendly feelings towards me ? I considered that for a moment. Then deciding that just talking to someone couldn't possibly be considered cheating. It was just talking and it wasn't even in person. I didn't even know who this guy was.

So with my conscious clear, I hit the reply button and began to type, doing my best to block Evan from my thoughts for the time being.

Tennyson1987,

I have enjoyed reading your beautiful words over and over and I want you to know how much they touched me. My heart raced at seeing your message and knowing what would lie inside. I eager await your next lines. You are a bright spot in my day, a much needed bright spot in days that seem, lately to drag on endlessly with little to look forward to beside your message.

Awaiting your next message with much anticipation.

Casey

I closed my laptop and let my attention drift to the window beside my table. A steady wind was causing several leaves in bright autumn colors to sway to the ground and I watched them settle in a pile at the foot of a large tree. It was turning colder outside. I had noticed the morning before as I headed for class.

Summer was officially over and it was time to turn my thoughts to serious matters like school and the sorority and all the things I got a break from during the, not nearly long enough summer months.

I had just returned to school the week before and the last few days had been exhausting.

I hadn't seen Rusty since I dropped him off at the Kappa Tau house on our first day back and I imagined he was settling in nicely to life as a full fledge member of a Fraternity. I also knew that Cappie was there, looking out for him and that took a huge weight off my mind. Knowing that someone was watching him, helping him make his way through college life let me relax, even if that someone was Cappie.

There was a blast from my past, I thought with a crocked smile. It was the same smile I always got when I thought about Cappie. There was a feeling that went along with it as well, something close to nostalgia and a few other emotions that I wasn't very interested in exploring too closely. I had spent most of last year trying to put him in the past where he belonged and I determined that this year I would get it done. There would be no more wayward thoughts of eating pie in bed and nights spent on a blanket in the backyard of the Kappa Tau house. No more waking up in the middle of the night from dreams so vivid I fully expected to find him laying with me, his arm wrapped protectively around my waist and his warm, solid body resting against my back, so vivid I could feel him there in the darkness.

" What are you thinking about so intently ? " Evan asked, causing a startled gasp from me and drawing my attention from the window.

" Uh, nothing... " I waved him off and smiled. " What were you saying ? "

He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair, picking up his cup again. " I said, I need to be getting back to the house. I have a group of new pledges just waiting for someone to come along and torment them. "

"That's fine. I was just thinking about heading to the library for a while, actually. " I lied.

" Well, " he stood and kissed me fleetingly. " I'll see you at the party later. "

I nodded and watched him walk away. Then I realized that every touch, every kiss we had shared since I got back was just like the one just then, fleeting, forced and inconsequential. It felt like something fading away, like smoke drifting in the air. I saw myself reaching out for it, but unable to grasp it completely in my hand. I wanted to stop it, to halt the relationship from disappearing like I could clearly see it doing, but I just didn't have the energy.

Shouldn't that tell me something ? Should it mean something that I wasn't willing to put an effort into fixing something I could see was broken. Well, I amended silently, it wasn't broken it just wasn't working right at the moment. Something was missing. A fire, a passion. Something I couldn't quite describe and thinking about it I wondered if it had ever been there at all or was I remembering, once again, a time from my past with a different guy ?

I was content with Evan. He was where I belonged, but the more I thought about it the more certain I became that that fire had never existed between us, that passion. Those sort of emotions weren't Evan. He was calm and reserved and sturdy and dependable. Everything I should want. But deep down I carved fire and passion and even a bit of craziness.

I wanted to go dancing in the rain or stand on the edge of a cliff and scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to parachute out of a plane or go hang gliding. I was so tired of being safe and content.

I couldn't remember the last time Evan and I screamed at each other and I wanted that. It sounded crazy even as I thought it, but it was the truth. I wanted to fight like my whole existence depended on it, carrying on for so long that words stop meaning anything and my throat burned from screaming. Then I wanted to spend hours making up, clinging desperately to him like he was a life preserver and I was a passenger on a sinking ship.

I stopped my train of thought abruptly as it occurred to me that those weren't things I wanted to do, they were things I had done. Just not with Evan.

Damn it ! This has to stop. Why couldn't I forget that time of my life ? Why did my mind keep returning to freshman year and a tall, scruffy looking, crazy, good for nothing stoner that I was so desperately in love with I couldn't see straight ?

It was over. It had been over for a long while now. It was time for my mind to catch up. I could not go through another year of trying to put Cappie behind me. I could not go through another year of missing him so much my chest hurt every time I was alone and had a moment to think. Evan was my present and my future and he was what I needed. I would not let myself continue to relive the emotional roller coaster that Cappie brought into my life.

For God's sake, we broke up over a year ago. I had moved on. I was completely over him. And the last thing I wanted was the stress and heartache that was my relationship with Cappie.

But it hadn't all been bad, I conceded. Hell it hadn't even been half bad. Most of the time it was wonderful beyond my wildest dreams. A passion I had always wanted for myself. Cappie and Evan were such different men I wondered at times how I could have loved both of them. My love for Evan was safe and steady, like a warm blanket I could wrap myself in when the nights turned cold. My love for Cappie had been frenzied and passionate. I loved him with an intensely insane furiousness that scared me at times. I had no idea that anyone could feel so much for someone else. It was crazy, wanting to be with him every second of everyday, desperate to be with him every waking moment. I hadn't been able to get enough of him and that was the scary part. He become my whole existence, he was everything, my whole world revolving around him. It wasn't a healthy relationship. At times it was self destructive. I was insanely jealous every time I suspected he was looking at another girl, but that had all been rooted in fear. Fear that he would find some else and leave me floundering, lost on my own. I began to see myself as a sad, hopeless loser clinging to her man for fear that she would lose everything if he left her. I couldn't let myself be that person. I couldn't continue on that road.

So when the sisters came to me and told me I had to choose. It wasn't an easy choice but I knew deep down that the sorority was the right choice. It was what I had to do in order to reclaim who I was. Because desperate and sad had never been who I was. Confident and in control is who I am. Not clingy and insecure.

" Well, well, if it isn't Miss Cartwright. " A familiar voice startled me and I jerked around towards him.

" Cappie, " I breathed, slightly taken aback by his appearance and my recent thoughts.

" You're looking tan and trim, must have been a pretty good summer. " he smiled as he took the seat next to me. Not across from me where Evan had been, but right next me, close enough that his leg brushed against mine when he moved.

" It was good. " I answered, trying to keep my mind off the shot of electricity that coursed through me from the touch of skin to mine. Why did he have to be wearing shorts ? " How was your's ? "

" Great. Spent some quality time with the folks. Had a few laughs." He leaned back.

" How are your parents ? " I asked, I genuinely liked his Mom and Dad, they were kind and loving and a bit crazy. I saw a lot of them in Cappie.

" Harold and Olivia are well. They are on a sabbatical to Tibet at the moment. Finding Buddha or what have you. How about yours ? "

" They're fine. They really enjoyed the Bahamas, but I bet Rusty has told you all about that. " I smiled, referring to my summer vacation with my parents.

He laughed. " He might have mentioned it. " He paused dramatically. " He might have mentioned it more than once and even presented a slide show on the subject. You looked great in that little red number, by the way. "

I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks and I buried my head in my hands, embarrassed beyond belief. I was going to murder that little twit in his sleep.

" Hey, " I twitched involuntarily as he reached up and took my hand away. " I'm telling you, you have no reason to be embarrassed that was a hell of a swimsuit. "

I was incapable of hiding my smile as I recalled in my entirely too small red bikini with the ties on the sides that held it together. How could Rusty do this to me ?

" I can't believe he showed you those pictures. Did he just show you, at least ? Or am I the new wet dreaming running rampant through the Kappa Tau house ? "

" Oh, " he smiled widely, flashing perfectly set, brilliantly white teeth. " He showed everyone. I think he even invited his nerd herd over for the show as well. " His laughter was contagious and I couldn't help but join him, more out of embarrassment than amusement. " He let me have the one of you on the beach though. I have it in a frame beside my bed. "
" Isn't that going to cramp your style a bit with all the lady friends ? " I teased, secretly delighted that he had a picture of me in his room and hating myself for being delighted. I was so confused.

He leaned in closer and the smell of his aftershave claimed my senses, drowning me in feelings I had no business feeling. " Honey, when women come to my room, the last thing they are looking at is my nightstand. " He bragged, his tone smug and self appreciative.

I sighed. " Have you considered that maybe one of them might visit more than once and have time to look around ? "

He looked shocked. " Absolutely not ! " he exclaimed. " I take great pains to insure that does not happen. "

Rolling my eyes, I smiled again, looking into his crystal blue eyes, eyes that still got to me whether I wanted them to or not. " When are you going to grow up ? "

He leaned back in his chair, raising the front two feet off the floor. " When life makes it impossible for me not to. "

" Well, Peter Pan. " I said standing. " I need to get to the library. Tell Rusty hi for me. "

" You should come by and tell him yourself. We're having a little get together tonight. "

I laughed out loud. " Friday night and there's a party at the Kappa Tau house. What a shock ! "

" We pride ourselves on our consistency. " he beamed.

" The Omega Chi's are having a party tonight as well, so I think I'll say thanks but no thanks. " I told him.

" Wow, An Omega Chi party. I often wonder how one could get so much argyle in one place or how all those huge wallets could fit in that one little house." he said sardonically.

" Well, we may have to open by the backyard, but I'm sure we'll manage. " I returned the smile in kind.

I could feel him watching me walk away, his gaze so intense it felt like a physical touch and it caused goose bumps on my skin.

God ! I had to find a way to get that man out of my mind.