Summary: James Potter, the hot, athletic, and best looking guy at Hogwarts. You'd think his life is so perfect. Right? Think not. A sudden twist, a tragedy, changes the once perfect life of this Maurader. A life that now deals with more than just laughter and jokes. James is now with the world on his shoulders. How will Lily and the Mauraders get him out of this?

Author's Note: This fic would be a mix of Journal Entries, not only from James' but from other people. Just trying out a darker more angst James, than most stories.

Disclaimer: Characters you've already read from J.K. Rowling do not belong to me!

James' Journal Entry #6

Classes have been dreadful. Professors keep pushing us to our limit. They want us to perfect silent spells. These spells drain your energy and test our patience like no other. I told you last time that I had to take two invigorating draughts, well now I take four.

It does take me time to prepare the potions, so my schedule has been a bit cramped. I wake up before everyone else does so that there aren't any awkward conversations between my roommates and I. I'm also the last one to go to bed. This way I make sure everyone's asleep before I drink my Dreamless Sleep Potions, yes POTIONS with an S, apparently now one vial is definitely not enough! Even if I'm dead tired with prefect duties, making potions, or doing the extensive amount of homework NEWT level preparation classes apparently require, I know I'll wake up screaming, shaking and cold without the potion. So I'd rather drink it than reliving my hell.

Glamour charms and concealing creams have been my excellent every day companions. With them I can pretend the world is a happy place. People have stopped whispering behind my back, which is quite an improvement for me. I thought that chicks wanted me because of Quidditch but apparently not being on Quidditch makes no matter as they flick their eyes towards me. I give them a swooning smile. Then stop and frown. Then I want to hit myself hard for frowning, but truthfully I do not have my heart on that smile. The smile is just a small fragment of a second where my old me resides. At least I know there's a tiny little part of me that hasn't died.

Meals in the Great Halls have been consisting of the Marauders giving me silent apologetic looks as if they had caused the attack. I want them to STOP! I want them to joke with me about our next prank. I need something to distract my overflowing thoughts of nightmares that fill my brain.

I wish I could just go to the Room of Requirement and hide from everyone's stares. But for now I'm stuck in History lessons from Binns.

Since everyone is either sleeping or talking and I've got no one to talk to, I guess I should start writing about these week events.

As predicted, Madam Pomfrey did get my medical profile and "studied" my case. I've got no idea what my medical profile says, but from the time it took her to understand it, it must be pretty hefty.

Since then, she's been nonstop about my health. She was curious about the nightmares I had on the Hospital Wing but kept shut, thinking I'd forgotten about what happened the night my parents and didn't want to push the issue before knowing what she was getting into.

Now that she clearly knows what she's getting into, she knows that things are way different than what the Daily Prophet announced. The photos of my injuries made her pale of just thinking about them.

We were in the middle of Professor Slughorn's Potion's class which was on the third period trying to brew the Draught of Living Dead. When someone knocked the door.

"Horace, I apologize for the interruption but I need Mr. Potter," the stern healer requested.

I was confused. Why would she want me?

"Well Mr. Potter, pick up your belongings, you don't want to keep the lady waiting."

Without saying a word, I packed my things. Whispers started again. I groaned but didn't look back. As I left the classroom I faced Madam Pomfrey. Her eyes were puffy. I was nervous. Did something wrong happen? My mind started running a thousand thoughts, especially concerning Elizabeth. If something did ever happen to her I don't know what I would do.

"You're in no trouble Mr. Potter. It is just that I've received your medical profile, and believed that there are vital things we need to go over with."

When she said that I released a breath I didn't know I was holding to.

"Yes, of course." At least it wasn't bad news, just troubling. I don't know if I was prepared to deal with her questioning. I don't even know if I have enough energy to stay awake for more than an hour.

The walk to the Hospital Wing was a silent one that did nothing but perk my nerves. Should I get drink my Invigorating Draught now? I think I'd rather not in front of her. Once we entered the Hospital Wing, she motioned I enter her office.

"Ma'am. Is it really necessary to talk about my medical profile? I really don't think I'd even understand the terminology of them." Hoping to end this conversation fast!

"Mr. Potter-Fritz," as she said that hideous last name I cringed.

"STOP," I ordered her. "Don't call me Fritz. Please. If you do want to talk to me, I'd rather you call me just Mr. Potter, like you've always called me, or James, if you want."

She looked at me surprised and stared at me as if she were analyzing me. Finally she said, "James, in these folders in here I have read the amount of torture you've been submitted to."

"And you're wondering what happened to the scars?" I spilled before she could ask.

"Well, yes, according to these files you should be in the middle of scarring healing process, which you haven't requested me to help you with. And I know that your eating habits need to improve dramatically for you to get healthy again."

My eating habits? I know I haven't exactly been eating like I did last year, but compared to how much I ate during the summer how I'm eating now would seem like a feast. I bit my lip before let slip something that I'd regret.

I guess Madam Pomfrey noticed my discomfort and continued talking.

"It also says here that you have neglected to buy the potions to help your strained muscles and after-trauma draughts."

When did they ever offer me those things? Part of me isn't surprised that the Fritz ignored the healers' orders or requests.

"Mr. Potter, I need you to speak to me I read about your constant nightmares after you got out of your magical coma," Madam Pomfrey said softly looking at my medical file. "You haven't even gone to a Mind Healer, ignored the weekly check-ups. I can't believe you're disregarding completely your Healers orders!"

Mind healers? Checkups? I can't remember the "orders" she keeps nagging about! Stupid, really stupid of me to think that I never had to go to St. Mungo's for a checkup! But I guess part of me doesn't want to go back there. Too many bad memories. Very bad days.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Soft waves of exhaustion were slowly taking over me.

"Mr. Potter? Can you try explaining to me your actions?" she asked. If only it were that simple. "You seem to be on the verge of passing out, but you don't seem to be pale or" she stopped seeming to draw her conclusions of what's going on.

"Do you have glamour charms on?" she questioned me. I kept silent and looked away as a wave of magic uncovered the glamour charms. She gasped. "Mr. Potter get into one of those beds immediately. I don't know how you're even getting to classes in the state you're in."

"Really, I've handled worse I just nee-,"

Before I could finish Madam Pomfrey hit me with a Sleeping Spell and I fell into a deep sleep. For once in a very long time I felt calm and relaxed. I guess Poppy added a few other charms on me as well. But it felt strange, a bit even foreign. If you had two months of sleep deprivation and constant pain you'd also feel odd. I'd forgotten how peaceful things could be.

But good things always do end and I had to wake up and face the real world. Has anyone ever told you that it is rude to talk when someone is sleeping? Apparently the Dumbledore and McGonagall are over that rule, because their nonstop bickering was what woke me up.

Apparently scans have showed I've used constantly Dreamless Sleep Potions and Invigorating Draughts. I admitted I used them frequently but they say it's almost to the point of addiction.

I guess it was naïve of me to think that potions could save the world. I know I NEED them, but people expect so much of me, too much. I expect it as well. Is it bad to have high standards? Future is something incredibly important for me. I NEED to succeed in life. But at what cost?

I've never heard any of the Marauders getting an addiction to anything, maybe we did joke about being addicted to Quidditch but really, who doesn't? The Dreamless Sleep Potions are not that bad, in the "addiction" sense of it, but Madam Pomfrey has prohibited them from me. What is worse is the amount of Invigorating Draughts I've drank, since I've even taken regularly about four to five draughts a regular day, six to eight if I have to patrol or need to stay up too late. That is A LOT. Apparently, you should not drink more than a vial a day, two tops. The accumulated amount of Draughts I've drank is poisonous. You're not supposed to drink a bit of Vampire's blood mixed with Dragon's liver. See? That is what happens when I don't have people checking over me. Friendless. Parentless. I'm a mess.

It seems that I end one hell to engage in another one.

Now, I apparently will have even less time for myself. Poppy wants me to start the "healing scar" treatments twice a week. I never knew why they hurt so much, but now I do. Apparently the magical salts reopen your wounds and seal them up scar-free. Did I write it well? It REOPENS my wounds to heal them correctly!

Last night was also full moon, which meant Remus was around the Hospital Wing. I had a healing scar treatment with Madam Pomfrey. Ironically, the wounds that reopened where not the ones from Snape's spell (because these ones have already healed well with the Ditanny) nor the ones from the Death Eaters attack, but from my time with the Fritz. And man it did hurt, it is incredibly painful I could not keep myself from screaming and that is saying a lot. As the wounds closed, I was nearly to the point of passing out when I heard the door open and saw Remus. I think he heard me scream. I hope he keeps it to himself. He is the reason I snuck out at six thirthy o'clock in the morning.

Sleep did come easy. It is the first good night's sleep without the Dreamless Sleep Potion. Thank Merlin I slept well, cause I do have a lot of homework to be done before class starts today. I heard Lily that she drinks a muggle drink called coffee. Hmm. Maybe I can ask the house elves to give me some.

I've got no time to waste it's already 7am. Goodbye.

A/N: It's been a long almost couple of weeks. I'm really sorry I haven't updated as much as I would've liked. I will warn you all that my next update will probably be in two weeks. Next week I'll be parched with exams and projects. Thanks for keeping up with me. I'll try to make my next chapter much longer worth the wait.

Thanks to imsonotagirl93, JosefinHale and III (you should have your fanfiction account! Maybe I'd check out your profile page to check out your fave ffics!)

Livin and breathin - thanks as always…! I will reunite the Marauders soon!

Prongster - I know…! But it'll all work out… soon…

Book-worm62 – Posted it!... At last!