A/N: THIS IS A PARODY! IT IS CRACK! MAY NO SASUNARU FANS HUNT ME DOWN WITH VIRTUAL PITCHFORKS AND FLAMES! And for those who don't know, seme---dominant male, uke---submissive male.

The Amazing Sasunaru Parody Fic

AKA

The Adventures of Uke Naruto, As he gets Screwed, Knocked up and Married to/by Sasuke the Most Seme Seme of all Seme

Uzumaki Naruto, who was the ukiest uke in Konoha (so everyone wanted him, despite everything that had shown they do not), stared up at the ever so handsome, tall, masculine and already looking fifteen (how had that happened) Uchiha Sasuke, who was so seme he could top Jiraiya (a disturbing concept indeed).

Naruto loved Sasuke. Not like that little witch Sakura does (who, by the way, will never ever never have a chance with Sasuke), but with pure, undeniable love. He would die for Sasuke (or Sasuke-sama, as he affectionately nicknamed him), he would give himself up, body and soul and heart and mind, to the Uchiha.

One day, the blond was alone with his one true love, angsting about how Sasuke would never love him and slitting his wrists. He had been slitting his wrists for the longest time, and somehow no one noticed even though his orange jacket (which looked incredibly ukish on him) had sleeves that stop before his wrists. Of course, because of the Kyuubi, they healed into scars incredibly fast (somehow not disappearing like most wounds Kyuubi-healed might), so he thought Sasuke might not notice.

But he did, when Naruto pressed the blade a bit too deep, and began to bleed all over the bridge. Sasuke was immediately upon him, eyes glittering with unshed tears (in a very manly and seme way) as he held the dying boy. By some plot hole, the demon had stopped healing Naruto's wounds.

"Naruto! Why would you do this?" Sasuke asked, his deep, seme voice hinted with worry as he held the much smaller boy to him.

"Because, Sasuke-sama, you will never love me, like I love you! I have no friends or people who are nice to me, even though a majority of Konoha males want to pound me into the ground! Just let me die, I'm a monster!" Naruto wept into Sasuke's (manly) blue shirt. Sasuke's eyes widened in a surprised fashion.

"But Naru-chan, I love you too! And I promise I will always love you, so please marry me!" And as Naruto fainted from blood loss and surprise, his pink, soft kissable lips formed the word 'yes'.

Sasunaru.Sasunaru.Sasunaru.Sasunaru.Sasunaru.

When Naruto awoke in the hospital, the strangely OOC Sasuke (who was still cool and manly and seme, thank you very much) swept down on him and began to kiss the ukish boy heatedly.

And as the made out, the heard a horrid screech at the door, and both turned to look. Sakura the Witch was there (as she was stalking Sasuke, per usual). "SASUKE-KUN!" Her voice, which was completely unmelodious, unlike Naruto's, hurt the duo's ears. "NARUTO, YOU MONSTER, HOW DARE YOU FORCE SASUKE-KUN TO KISS YOU!"

Before Sasuke could tell that witch to screw off, so he could make passionate love to Naruto (because that's what all thirteen year old non-perverts (that's Naruto's job) like Sasuke want to do), the girly boy sat up and glared at Sakura.

He was finally going to take a stand against Sakura, who had constantly been mean to him, not even because Naruto had faked liking her. She had done everything. Throw rocks at him, drink his virgin blood and write mean things in his Honesty Box on Facebook. Or whatever the ninja/Konoha/magically acquired Internet people use.

"Sakura, you're a poo head. Sasuke-sama and I love each other, and you can't do anything about it. Neener neener neener!" Sakura was hurt by those hurtful words, and left sobbing (but she deserved it, for creating Narusaku and Sasusaku fanfics).

The dark-haired Uchiha was so impressed by the blond's ukish bravery he once again kissed Naruto, and they made passionate, passionate, gay love on the bed. Of course, no one noticed, stopped them or came into the room. And Sasuke the Seme-Who-Can-Never-Ever-Never-Be-Uke was on top. After all, Naruto the Uke-Who-Can-Never-Ever-Never-Be-Seme is always on the bottom. AND THAT'S FINAL!

NarutoIsUke.NarutoIsUke.NarutoIsUke.NarutoIsUke.

A few weeks later, Sasuke left Konoha for Orochimaru (who sucks real bad). He stilled loved Naruto, but he felt he needed power and Orochimaru really tricked him and he had no real option in the matter of leaving. He was forced. And that's that. Naruto was devastated, especially since only a month or so after this he discovered he was pregnant.

Apparently Kyuubi, who was female with a strangely male voice, could give the Naruto the ability to bare kits. No matter how physically impossible. So Naruto's belly got big and he wore cute little pregnancy dresses and was highly ukish. Sasuke, meanwhile, got even more seme and powerful and realized how much he needed to escape.

Naruto and Sasuke's child was born. It was a girl with black hair and big blue eyes who looked a lot like her mother. Naruto named her Kyoko, and struggled to raise the little girl on his own. After all, Naruto had no past Sasuke, who was gone. Really, he had no friends or people to help him, even though so many males desired him.

They were three very difficult years for Naruto. But one day . . .

. . . Sasuke returned.

SasukeIsSeme.SasukeIsSeme.SasukeIsSeme.

The first thing he did was come to Naruto. The feminine teen was overjoyed to see his big bad seme (who he still had to marry) walk into his apartment. "Sasuke-sama?" Big blue eyes blinked in shock, before Naruto jumped Sasuke happily and they made love right there on the couch. When Kyoko awoke the next morning and came into the living room, she was greeted by the sight of her naked mother (covered loosely by a blanket) sleeping on a couch while a strange man was cooking pancakes. In a totally seme manner. Really.

He turned, getting ready to wake up his lover, when he saw the two year old. "Who are you?" He asked quizzically. The young child blinked up at him, her blue eyes ever so much like her mama's.

"Kyoko. Mama know you?" Asked the toddler, and Sasuke suddenly realized who this child, that had his dark hair and pale skin was.

"Yes. I'm your father." Sasuke said, and Kyoko's eyes widened in happiness as she hugged her papa whom she loved despite knowing him for about five seconds, and vice versa. There was music and flowers and rainbows everywhere. Then Naruto woke up, and seeing his lover and child hug filled his heart with happiness.

"Hey, Sasuke-sama, how did you escape Orochimaru?" Asked the blond, blushing cutely and ever so ukishly as he noticed he was naked. Sasuke came over to sit next to Naruto, who had sat up, and Kyoko settled into his lap.

"I killed him. Itachi's not dead yet, but he will be. I returned, for In love you ever so much." And even though Sasuke was once again acting OOC, he was still awesome and seme-ish. Just kind and loving. Really.

So Naruto and Sasuke settled back together, moving to the Uchiha mansion. Naruto gave up being a ninja (which he had only been doing to support his child, the thought of fighting made his ukish heart twinge in fear) and Sasuke brought in the money. They got the Hokage to change the rules for them, and were married in a beautiful and lavish ceremony. Naruto still has the wedding dress he wore.

Sasuke was a wonderful husband and father, at least for two years, but one day word came that Itachi had appeared. Before anyone could do anything, he raced off. Which was a bit of a contradiction to his loving-ness, but whatever. Yet Naruto did manage to intercept him away from the village.

"Sasuke-sama, please don't leave! I LOVE YOU!" Naruto sobbed dramatically, the sleeves of his (girl's) kimino flapping in the wind. Tears were coursing down his cheeks cutely (which is just strange, since it has yet to be seen of Naruto crying and looking good while doing so).

"I'm sorry, I must Naru-chan." Sasuke said in a majestically noble seme way, and Naruto's eyes grew more desperate, and the situation became more desperate for some in character-ness.

"But what about Kyoko?" Their daughter was growing up, and was set for a fast course to being a Mary Sue. Sasuke and Naruto were so proud. Sasuke's (seme) eyes flickered for a second, before hardening.

"I really am sorry. You can't change my mind Naru-chan." At this, Naruto flung himself at Sasuke, and the other caught him. When the blond wrapped his arms around Sasuke and buried his face into the other's chest, and the Uchiha felt mountains (of hate—I mean) sympathy for his wife.

So he bent over (nearly breaking his back while doing so---uke Naruto is, after all, strangely short), wrapped his big strong seme arms around the other's slight waist, and kissed the other teen. Naruto was kissing him back when suddenly Sasuke used his 1337 ninja skills to disappear, leaving Naruto to drop to his knees and sob for his husband.

OMGAngstIsSoSad.OMGAngstIsSoSad.OMGAngstIsSoSad.

Every day Sasuke was gone, Naruto prayed for his safety while his daughter cried. But without Sasuke's protection (since Naruto is unable to defend himself), he was raped, and became pregnant with the rapist's child. Who, just happened to be an OOC Jiraiya. The rape scene went like this:

"Hey, Ero-Sennin—ahh, please stop!"

"Mwuhahahahahahahaha, I R SO EVIL:DDDDD"

"Oh noes! Only Sasuke-sama can touch me!"

"Scream louder, you #&# &)(# #Y$#!)#)$ $U#)$)!"

"Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

It was horribly tragic, and the months went by. Jiraiya died of an STD (which he did NOT get from Naruto, who did NOT get it from Sasuke, who did NOT get it from Itachi OR Orochimaru! So stop thinking that!) The child was born, and had Jiraiya's dark eyes (that could easily be passed off as Sasuke's, when questions arose), and a shock of golden hair. Oh wait. I forgot to mention there were two. Twins. One, who would be seme like his father(s) (yes, they're boys), and one who would be ukish like his mother. The seme one was named Suke, the uke one Aru. Despite their parentage, Naruto loved his children, and they healed his heart wounds of being raped. The blond uke taught his two new children about Sasuke (yes, around three years pass) Naruto, Kyoko, Suke and Aru were happy.

That is, until word came of Sasuke, who had been hunting his brother for the amazing time period of three years. (Cough kinda plot hole cough) Itachi was dead, but apparently Sasuke was too.

When the news came Naruto was so distraught he completely forgot about his children and went to throw himself off a cliff. But, by the miracle of love and tracking ninja skills and an idea something might be wrong, Sasuke showed up and stopped him.

"Sasuke-sama? But you're dead!" Naruto commented, as he twisted the skirts of his dress in confusion.

"Do you think death could keep me from you? I managed to revive myself through the power of YOUT-oops, cough-love!" Sasuke announced in a really cool seme way. And Naruto accepted this explanation at face value, and ran up to hug and make out with Sasuke. Sure, it was really Sasuke, but what if it hadn't been? Well, they do say love is blind.

And after this, Sasuke the Seme and Naruto the Uke lived happily ever after, had some more children (bringing the total up to five and a half), and were never separated again. Like, seriously. They both got hit by some wonky jutsu, so they always had to be within five feet of each other. But that's another parodic tale.

THE END!

I will say, this is completely a parody, I am not insulting one story in specifically (just all stories like this) and I don't hate Sasunaru (just don't like it much) and I mostly have a problem with uke Naruto and overly seme Sasuke and all the OOC-ness associated with these two. But I am not saying this because I want an argument. I'm only stating my opinion.