Lin: I was kind of in a crappy mood last night, basically because of stupid friend stuff. I kind of want to be back in school, sad huh? Ah well, soon. Anyway, since I was in such a bad mood, I got the inspiration to finally type this up. I got this idea from reading PantherKat13 fan fictions. Go read them, they rock. n.n

NOTE: Just wanted it to be know that I changed it so that Sora is wearing a long sleeve shirt instead of a tee-short. Dunno how I did not notice this earlier..

Anything in italic is Sora's journal in which he writes in every chapter or so.

Summary: Sora is said to be the light in everyone's darkness…But, what about his own darkness?

Warnings:

-MOST of the story shall be in Sora's POV. I'll let you know if and when there is a change.

-Shounen-ai, also might be considered yaoi for there might be lemon, but I'm not sure right now.

-Teen angst/suicidal actions as well as thoughts. (I'm sure everyone knows what I mean by this warning, right?)

-Pairings: Riku/Sora, Roxas/Axel, Leon/Cloud

It should be noted that I own no characters in this fan fiction. I am using the characters for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy.

Hello…My name is Sora, and I'm a teenage cutter. I don't do it by accident, it's on purpose. The darkness is to much to handle. My brothers…Roxas and Cloud…they have no idea…They believe I am the happiest person in the world. They don't know that that is my mask. My mask of happiness. I'm good at this mask, you know. I'll just keep my mask up, no one will ever tell…

I cut in secret, which you properly guessed by now. I have never told anyone that I cut…besides you now, that is. I don't think anyone has ever realized that I could possibly be a cutter…that darkness does not effect me. After all, I am the Keyblade master, right? I am suppose to be able to beat the darkness out of all hearts, out of everything…Yet, no one realizes that I have my own darkness…My own darkness that lies in secret for all…

I'm also gay…or maybe I'm bi…or maybe I'm transsexual…maybe I'm pansexual…or maybe I'm just confused. Maybe love if not for me. Roxas and Cloud…they always say that everyone loves me, but do they really? Do they really accept the real me? Or do they only accept my mask?

I wonder…do Roxas and Cloud only know of my mask as well? I guess so…I can hide behind my mask so well…it would not come as a surprise that they did not know.

Roxas is my twin, did I say that? Well, now you know. Cloud is my older brother. It's hard to tell sometimes if Cloud really loves us or not…but I think he does. Deep down he loves us. He told us once that we are his light that keeps him out of the darkness.

Me? The light that keeps him out of the darkness? I can't keep myself out of the darkness, so how can I possibly be keeping Cloud out of the darkness? Is Cloud suffering because of me? Is Cloud suffering in darkness because I can no longer be of any use besides a good fuck every once and awhile? What about Roxas? Is he suffering in the darkness as well?

What? The good fuck every once and awhile comment? That's because it is true. I had a boyfriend, yes a boyfriend, recently. His name was Seifer. We were together about two years…but not anymore. We broke up about two months ago. Seems that someone heard that comment and told Roxas…from that, Cloud somehow found out. From what I was told, Roxas and Cloud went and beat Seifer into a bloody pulp. But, I think that was a little extreme. Seifer was just making a truthful statement, why beat him for it? I guess Cloud and Roxas don't want to believe the statement. I'm am the 'light' after all. I guess that the 'light' can't have such a statement following him. Anyways, after that, they kept on asking me questions. Did he ever take advantage of me or anything like that? Did he forced me into anything? Huh, like I'm going to tell them the truth. So I lied. I blushed and told them we never did anything, that what he meant by the comment was that I was good when we made out. They gave me odd looks, but seemed to believe me anyways. Good. I did not want them to know that I was practically raped every other day. That I was told things every day that make me cut deeper. Who knows what would happen then. No, I don't have HIV or anything like that. Well, not that I know of at least, but I don't believe I have it. Besides, even if I wanted to get tested, how would I without Cloud and Roxas finding out what happened?

Anyways, moving on now. I'll tell you some more about out relationship and other things later…Right now, it would be better if you knew what was currently going on. It seems that Mom found out about the whole Seifer thing. She freaked. A lot. So, she decided to send Roxas and I to the same school as Cloud. That's where we are going now. We are on the train to Cloud's boarding school. He says that we are going to have to share dorms and stuff. I hope I will be able to write in private…

I just looked out the window and noticed that we are almost there. Oh goody. Time to put my mask back on…I'll write more later, I promise. I'll make sure to tell you everything that has to be told, I swear. Really, I do this ti-

"Sora!" A voice cries out as I write. The voice shocks me into dropping my journal and pen to the floor of the train. Deciding it would be better to leave it than pick it up and gain it attention, I turn to the voice that was right next to me.

Ah, Roxas…my twin.

Standing at five foot four, I note that Roxas is once again wearing all black and white. White tee-shirt; black pants; those black converse with the white in them that he is oh so fond of; black and white bracelet on each arm; a black and white ring on his right middle finger…kind of a girly outfit if you ask me. But, that's Roxas for you. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, I love him a lot.

Oh gosh, what if I am in love with Roxas? I am very close to Roxas…but he is my twin so…what is it called when you fall in love with you own twin? Twincest?(1) Or maybe my mind is just playing games with me again.

Right, that. Okay, moving on.

Like I said, I do love Roxas, so that means I am allowed to call him girly if I want. Besides, I'm sure he would not mind…

"Sora," He repeats, concern flashing in his sky-blue eyes. It's odd, we are twins and all…but his eye color is a shade darker than mine. Odd, huh? I'm the 'dark' twin, and yet his eyes are darker than mine. Maybe there is a secret message there…

"Yes, Roxas?" I finally reply, glancing at his hair while I am at it. That was yet another odd thing about us. His hair is almost blond while mine is almost brunette. Also, his hair tends to sticks up more to just one side while mind sticks up all over the place. Besides the hair and eyes, we look very alike. We are the same height, we walk alike, we even talk alike sometimes. But, he is my twin, so…

"We are almost there," He replies. "Wanna come with me to try and find our carry on bags? Stupid train person, why did we listen to him?"

Oh yeah, we learned a valuable lesson when we got on the train. Do you know those train people outside the train who check your tickets and stuff? Well, this one decided to check our carry on bags before we could board. He said he did it to everyone, but I think he only checked ours because he thought that he were hiding something in our hair…of course, I never said that out loud. I just acted cute and hoped that he would give us our bags so we could get on the train.

That didn't work.

Instead of carrying the stuff on ourselves, the man told us to go on the train without our bags. He said he would place them on the train himself and help us find the bags later. We tried to argue…but, there was a crowd behind us and not even Cloud's glare could stop them…So we had to get onto the train without out carry on bags. Lucky for me, I had my journal in my pocket. All I needed was for someone to go look in my bags and read it when I was away. That's why I always carry my journal with me. Can't let anyone read the inner most thoughts of Sora, now can we?

"Sure," I told him as I get up. Once up, I reach down and grab up my journal and pen, can't forget that stuff on this stupid train.

Standing up straight, I give Roxas a smile and a cheerful, 'Let's go!' before following him in our fruitless search for our carry on bags. Hopefully, we will be able to find them.

As we walk, I look down and consider my own outfit. Purple long sleeved shirt with the words 'Super Special Awesome!' written in white lettering (2); light blue jeans; high top purple converse where the white part was colored black; I guess my outfit can be considered slightly girl as well. I mean, I am sure there is some girl out there who would normally wear this outfit. (3)

But, ah well, I can't change now. Besides, I am comfortable with what I am wearing and I'm not gonna change just because of a comment someone might make. Then again, maybe no one will make a comment. Which will be better, I guess. Maybe no one will talk to me. I'll talk to them, hidden behind my mask…maybe people will like my mask, maybe not. Most people seem to like my mask, guess because it is so happy. And everyone wants to be happy…But, I can't be truly happy. I can't get rid of the darkness…so, how can I be happy whe-

"Cloud has already found his bags." I hear Roxas tell me, cutting off my thoughts. "He told me where he found his, hopefully ours are in the same area."

"But if not," I reply. "We will simply look for them. Right?"

"Right." Roxas smiles at me. Such a pretty smile…Is my smile that pretty? "And if we don't find them…maybe we can live in this train and not go to school?"

Oh yeah, did I mention that Roxas really does not want to go to school here? It's odd, really. Roxas does not want me anywhere near Seifer…Hell, HE even made the suggestion that we go to school with Cloud. Yet…he does not want to go to school here. When I asked him about it, he told me that he did not like starting someplace new, meeting new people and all…but, he knows that I am going to be there with him, so it will be okay. After that, he hugged me and we went off to bed. But…sometimes I wonder…

"Roxas…" I start off. "I'm sorry."

Roxas gives me a odd look before he replies.

"What do you mean? You didn't o anything."

"Look," I started again, "It's my fault you have to start school here. That's what I'm sorry for, making you do something that yo-"

"Stop it."

Before I knew what was happening, I was pushed down into a empty seat on my right. Before I can get up, Roxas is on top of me, pinning my arms down to the seat. He is also sitting on my legs, keeping me in place. Oddly enough, this position is not new to me. Roxas, and Cloud sometimes, usually like to sit on me when I am saying anything 'negative' about myself. I don't say anything too negative out loud, can't get them suspicious now can we? But when I happen to say sorry for something that is 'not my fault,' they like to pin me down and tell me to stop being silly.

I guess Roxas does not care that two girls in front of us are currently squealing and trying to find camera's to take our picture while a old couple to the side of us looks at us like we are some type of squashed bug on the ground that they just stepped on. Then again, he usually does not care what other people think. He cares about what I and Cloud think, but not others. I guess that's because he loves us. Maybe this is what twins do.

I note that Roxas has now leaned down and pressed his forehead against mine. His dark blue eyes are currently locked on mine, trying to find emotion. Better start staring back before Roxas decides something is wrong.

"Stop what?" I ask, even though I know what he is going to say. But, my mask make me act a little idiotic sometimes. Not fully, just a little. Makes people love my mask more.

"You know what I mean," He says, still staring. "Look, none of this is your fault. Besides, I don't want you anyway near that asshole. Look, I'm sorry that I really don't sound happy about the whole switch, but I'm okay with it. Really, I am. Maybe something good will happen here. So don't worry, okay? I, and Cloud as well, still love you, so we'll do anything to make your life better. Just tell us if someone bugs you, okay?"

Make MY life better? What about how they live? Why can't I save them? I'm the stupid Keyblade master and I can't say my own brothers. THEY have to save me. Great, just great. What I really want to do it tell Roxas that he should worry more about himself. That I am simply a cutter who can be fucked and no one should care about. I should tell him, right? Right now, I'll tell him. Then, maybe he will have a better life. He'll be happy, and no longer have to worry about me. I should tell him, Cloud as well. I should, I should…

But instead, I simply let a smile grace my face. My good old smile, so old and fake. No one sees that it's fake. You don't know how many times I have patted myself on the back for being so good at hiding.

Roxas takes my smile as a positive thing, I believe, because he smiles back. Lifting his forehead off mine, he kisses my cheek and sits up. He's still on my legs. I reach up so that I'm sitting on my elbows and look at Roxas, wonder what will happen next.

"If you keep this up," A amused voice sounds. "Those two girls in front of you are going to faint from blood loss."

Sure enough, when we turn to look, what the voice said was true. Those two girls from before that were trying to find a camera? Currently, they are holding napkins to their noses as blood seems to be gushing out. Erm, oops? Ah well, Roxas is the one who sat on me, not the other way around.

"So what?" Roxas asks, during around. "Not our fault."

I look up as well to give the voice a bright smile.

"Cloud!" I yell, knowing that it had to be Cloud. I think he's the only once of the train who is brave enough to talk to us.

Unlike Roxas and I, Cloud is tall. He's almost six foot while Roxas and I were stuck with the short gene. Not fair, really. Then again, it's more that I got stuck with the short gene, not Roxas. Roxas usually grows taller before me, then I catch up. It's odd, really.

Right, get back to Cloud. Cloud, kind of like Roxas, is wearing almost all black. Blood red tee-shirt; black jeans; black boots; and yes, it looks slightly girly on him as well. Nothing any of the three of us wear can look manly on any of us. We all got stuck with the girly looking gene instead of the manly one. Not fair.

Cloud's hair looks like a mix of ours. It's blonde, yes of course, but the spikes are weird. They spike on one side like Roxas, but also spike out all over like mine. Like I said, a mix of both our hair. Cloud's eyes, though, are a bit different. They are green-blue while ours are pure blue. Currently, his eyes are happy. I remember a time when those eyes were horribly cold.

That was a few years ago. Those few years ago, Cloud use to never joke around or anything. I mean, Cloud has always been quiet, but never that quiet. I know why he was so quiet, I remember Cloud telling us. He did not tell us everything, but enough. We could guess from what he told us. He said that he broke up with his boyfriend, and that the whole relationship had not been pretty at the end. We didn't question him, just hugged him. It's odd, but the three of us hug a lot…Moving on again.

Why are his eyes happy again? Because he met someone new. Leon, I believe his name was. Cloud says he goes to school here, so we are going to meet him.

Anyway, I'm glad that Cloud is happy again. I hate when Cloud is sad. I hate it when he is depressed. Or when Roxas is depressed. It makes me cut so much deeper…

"I found your stuff," Cloud says, pointing to something on the ground. "Make sure it's all there."

Roxas climbs off of me to check his bags. I her the two girls let out a sigh of disappointment. Sorry, girls, that's all the show your going to get for today.

Getting up myself, I check my bag. I only brought one carry on bag with me. All of our stuff that he would need in the year was taken to school early. Still, I don't get why both Roxas and Cloud had two carry on bags…ah well, I'm happy with mine. Less to worry about. Hm…everything look to be in order…

"I don't get how you could possibly be wearing long sleeves in this weather, Sora." Roxas comments as he shifts his bags slightly. "It's so hot out.."

"How long until we are there?" I question, pretending I had not heard Roxas's comments. Can't tell him I have things to hide under those sleeves.

"Right now." Cloud points out the window where we see a tall pair of black gates. How nice. Looks like we are going to jail with those gates. If only the train would keep moving…ah, no. Course not. The train HAS to stop. Damn.

Next to the gates, there is a big sign. The sign is black with white lettering. The lettering reads,

'Destines Playground'

What kind of school are we going to again?

Notes:

(1): I had to add that bit in. I happen to be a fan of Twincest, in case you can't figure that out. 3

(2): The saying 'Super Special Awesome!' is from LittleKuriboh's Yugioh the Abridged Series! His videos rock. In case you don't have the site, ask me about it.

(3): Yesh, I'll admit it. I was looking at my own outfit when I was writing about Sora's outfit. I don't have to shirt…but I have the jeans and high top purple converse. 3

Lin: Well, there ya go. First chapter is done. What do ya think? Thankies.