Can It Get Any Worse?: Prologue


"Hey, watch it!" I screamed as I narrowly avoided a bolt of lightning.
Why won't the damned devil hunters ever leave me alone? I'm not even
a demon. There isn't a trace of demonic energy or blood within my
body or soul, so why do all the nutjobs with a little magic come after
me? Turning to face my attackers, I came face to face with the bane
of demons the world over. The Sailor Senshi. It's funny. I've
always been repulsive to the 'good' guys and all the really 'evil'
horible creatures from the various levels of hell have treated me like
their little brother. You tend to pick up all kinds of useful
information from demons who have just gotten their asses kicked and
feel like whining.

I never really believed the stories about the senshi, though. I mean,
what kind of idiot mixes it up with the denizens of hell wearing
nothing but a skimpy jumper and an almost nonexistant skirt? Okay, I
have met plenty of people stupid enough to do that in my eighteen
years of life, but none of them were actually able to survive despite
their stupidity. Then again, if the stories were true, these bitches
were packing some heavy duty firepower. That lightning bolt had been
pretty heavy on the magic.

"Um, why are you girls trying to kill me? Sailor Jupiter, right?" I
asked pleasantly, all the while building my power levels up from a
resting to active state and wrapping myself in as many planes of
protective force as I could muster on such short notice."What's a cute
girl like you doing throwing around lightning bolts at a nice guy like
me?"

Sailor Jupiter appeared dumbstruck, a heavy blush coloring her cheeks.
Holy shit, it worked! Sailor Moon, at least that's who I assumed the
blond chick with the odangos was, looked down to a small black cat and
asked,"Are you sure that he's evil? What has he done to deserve being
dusted?"

Nasty creatures, cats. Never had much use for the little buggers.
"Don't be a fool, he has evil rolling off of him in waves," the cat
hissed. Well I'll be damned, a talking cat. For the record, the
'evil rolling of me in waves' isn't really evil. I personally think
that I'm just further along the evolutionary ladder than everyone else
and anyone remotely sensitive to it gets jealous on a subconscious
level and automatically thinks I deserve to die. Oh well, that's
life.

"But Luna, what kind of speech can I make if he hasn't done anything
bad yet?" Sailor Moon whined to her cat, the apparent brains of the
operation.

Meanwhile, I was throwing myself to the pavement to avoid a geyser of
liquid ice and a beam of plasma. What a day, what a day. I was up
and on my feet before they could reach capacitance again. Here
goes."All right, I tried to be Mr. Not Kill Anybody, but since no one
wants to cooperate with me, I'm just going to have to get serious!" I
snapped. By now I had gathered a substantial amount of energy around
myself. It took very little effort when these girls were practically
bleeding power into the air.

The next salvo of magical projectiles flowed around me doing nothing
but ruining a perfectly good arcade.

"Nooooooo!!!!!" Sailor Moon shrieked, staring at the burning pile of
rubble down the street. Tears streaked her cheeks and her lower lip
trembled. She turned to me and shouted,"Y-you m-meanie! For
destroying my favorite arcade and ruining a place of enjoyment for
countless children I, Sailor Moon, shall destroy you!"

"You're joking, eh?" I retorted."You're blaming that back there on
me?" I gestured to the rubble."I'd say it was your friends who ruined
your precious arcade. Isn't that right Mercury, Mars, Venus?"

"Stop trying to confuse me, enemy of fun!" Oh boy, real brainchild
here. Now I would like to coin a new term. Magical howitzer. That's
the only thing I can think of to describe this girl. I'd never felt
anything like it before. Not that she had an unusual amount of magic
within herself, no, she was just the owner of one hell of an energy
crystal, but Kamis above and below, if I could handle that much raw
energy at once I am pretty freaking certain that not many entites
short of the All Mighty Himself could face me.

The only thing that saved me was the already active protective
barriers I'd enacted and the ridiculous amount of time it took for
Sailor Moon to activate her attack. Well, the first one might have
helped if I had stood there and let myself get blasted out of
existance. I was on the roof of the 711 across the street and wrapped
in shadows before anyone knew what had happened.

So much for a nice liesurely visit in Tokyo. Hawaii is nice this time
of year, I hear. Yes, I always have wanted to learn to surf.

"Hmmm-mmmm," came the quiet cough from behind me.

I whirled, confronted by yet another of the senshi. Me and my sweet
tooth were really going to get me killed one day. I hadn't really
needed that gallon of triple chocolate fudge ice cream...No, I think I
did. Screw this. I told them I was going to get serious. Not my
fault no one ever takes me seriously. My attack came from either side
of the green-haired and until now never before seen senshi. Too bad
that both blades of energy passed through her harmlessly.

"I'm not really here," the senshi informed me.

"Wow, I was wondering why those didn't hurt you. I'm just such a
complete idiot that I couldn't tell for myself." So I was in a bad
mood, sue me.

"Nothing is stopping me from summoning the others and having you
eliminated," green hair warned.

I snorted,"Please, I'm about to piss myself at the very thought." I
sobered though. This wasn't some off the wall preprogrammed spell-
slinger. She really knew how to handle her power and she didn't seem
hostile, yet."Really, the only I don't totally outclass is Sailor Moon
and she doesn't have the speed or control to make a difference while
I'm tearing her and her friends into little pieces. So, what do you
want?"

Green hair nodded, in satisfaction if I'm not mistaken."You are most
likely correct in your assumption, but in such an instance I would
have full access to my temporal powers and would be able to easily
able to destroy you myself."

"Temporal mage?" She nodded again. Almost as useless as cats. Heh,
never thought taking the time to study up on time manipulation through
magic would be helpful. I'm not attuned enough with the cosmos and
all that jazz to truly manipulate time, but I'd bet my life on being
able to defend against the stuff. Not that this unusual senshi needed
to know that.

"To the point," she continued."I'm aware of the skill and power you
possess and know of the trouble you have faced with lesser devil
hunters since you were a child. It is within my power to grant you a
certain artifact that would mask your true identity and distort the
unusual energy pattern generated by your body that misleads so many
others."

Too good to be true, way too good to be true."And the catch?" Here it
comes.

"As you must have seen, my fellow senshi are not lacking in power.
They simply do not have the knowledge and discipline to properly use
what they have. The very nature of my power bars me from taking a
hand in their education. If you would teach them, I would be willing
to make good on my offer." I couldn't detect any falsehood in her
voice, but illusions aren't all that trustworthy.

"If, and only if, the deal is made in blood." Time for the clencher.
"Magically binding with exceptions made if any one of them can not
actually learn." She scowled."Hey, Sailor Moon takes the whole blond
thing to the limit. I'm not going to have myself eternally bound to
teaching an idiot."

"Deal." Then I felt the lines of force connecting the illusion before
me to the mind of its caster strengthen and snap taut as the real
thing teleported to the rooftop. Nice spell.

Silently, the unnamed senshi drew a small jewel-hilted athame from
some form of pocket space and lightly ran it across the back of her
left hand. Good, she wasn't one of those fools that slashed their
palm open whenever one of the various reasons to use blood arose. I
did the same with my own vorpal bladed athame. It was a much plainer
affair than my counterpart's but I bet hers couldn't call up a higher
level demon just by carving a smiley face in the ground.

We rubbed the backs of our hands together, mentally aligning the
magical force surrounding both of us and allowing them to mingle
together for the barest instant. No conflicts. I nodded. The
agreement was made.

"The artifact you spoke of..." I prompted.

"Oh yes." The green-haired woman's arm disappeared into another
spatial pocket and rummaged around for almost a minute. When she
finally pulled her arm free a bra and two pair of panties hung from
her arm along with the black metal ring clasped in her palm. The
undergarments vanished almost to fast for me to have seen but the ring
remained."I assume you know how to change the color of metals."

"Yeah, that's kid stuff." It really is. I accidentally learned how to
do it when I was five.

"Wear the ring on any finger you want to and simply change it from
black to white. Your identity and prescense will be totally
disguised. Return it to black and the effects will be negated."

I accepted the ring and slid it onto my right ring finger. It fit
perfectly.

"You'll need these also." She drew a manilla envelope from yet another
spatial pocket and gave it to me."Inside is the address and keys to
your new apartment and an ATM card. Rent is paid for and I'll be
monitoring all expenditures, so don't get carried away. I'll arrange
a meeting with the senshi and inform you of the time and place within
a day"

If the deal wasn't sealed against anything but the destruction of the
universe, I would be pretty worried right about now. It was just too
good. I felt the beginnings of another teleport spell and quickly
asked,"Who are you?" She did know quite a bit about me. It was only
fair.

"Sailor Pluto," was the only response I got before she faded away. I
was hoping for a name and a phone number. Not my fault that she was
hot.

The senshi who were now to be my students were nowhere in sight.

****

I sought out my new place immediately. Not that I didn't just love to
prowl the streets of Tokyo at four a.m., but a few hours of sleep
never hurt anyone. It took an hour of roof hopping, and occassional
bursts of flight to find the apartment. It was in one of the more
expensive areas of Tokyo. Sailor Pluto must really have money to
burn. Well furnished with all the latest high-tech junk, a tv with a
few thousand channels(thirty of which were porn), and a very well-
stocked fridge. This was too good.

****

Early the next morning a horrendous scream combined with a moderately
powerful 5.0 earthquake shook Tokyo and its surrounding suburbs.

****

Goddamnit!!! I knew it was too good to be true. Damnit, damnit,
damnit!!! Arrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

The change is complete. Absofuckinglutely complete, right down to the
plumbing. How could one little ring, barely enchanted, work such a
dramatic shift? I really don't care. Now I have to turn into one of
the sweetest pieces of ass I've ever seen just to teach a bunch of
inept devil hunters how to do their job. Oooooooo, Pluto is so dead.
Just as soon as the agreement is fulfilled.

****

The busty redhead's image disappearred from the gateway, replaced by
that of a taller, black-haired male. Sailor Pluto, a.k.a. Setsuna
Meiou, didn't think she would be dropping by earth for some years to
come. Not on the same continent as Ranma Saotome, anyway.

****

Author's Notes: I've been suffering from really bad writer's block for
a while now. That combined with being cut off from the internet by my
mom the super psycho mega bitch has really kept me from writing or
getting any inspiration. Hopefully this will be the start of at least
a semi-regularly released piece of fiction. If not, I'm sorry. This
is written in a style that I'm not really all that familiar with so
any C&C on ways to improve it would be really appreciated. Not that I
get too many chances to check my e-mail, but I go back to college in a
few weeks(praise all the various gods and demons worshipped by all you
religious types) and will have true access once again.

[email protected]