A/N: Hurray! Do you all know what today is?! No!! Oh my good Lord in Heaven! Why, it's none other than my one year anniversary with this site! How exciting is that!? Very!! Well, if you were wondering why this update took me around a month to accomplish, then you didn't read my profile! Actually, I just decided to update all five of my stories and write a new one. Cool stuff, people! Enjoy!
-- Ah! Yes! And I would like to give a shout out to a very good friend of mine! mr. bauer has written a wonderful story titled KND: Operation ANDERSON. I recommend checking it out!
Rating: This is rated T for sexual situations and language.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. You know, or any of the many things associated with it legally. All I own is various little pieces of merchandise.
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The Pickup Ninja
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The shock of the eight grown men participating on this reality show sent everyone into a shock. Well, anyone watching the program anyway. Currently, Sasuke and Naruto were just staring at each other with blank faces, trying to assess their current situation. Rock Lee and his team were in shock as well, but Lee was being anything but silent. Screaming, "Gai sensei! You are a stud, sensei!" over and over again did nothing to help the mood either. Tsunade was going into hysterical laughter, and the various others who were watching were either speechless or wetting themselves in laughter . . . or fear.
"You know," Sasuke said lowering his head and breaking the silence, "They should realize that we might be watching them."
"You think they'll set a good example?" Naruto asked checking the television set every few seconds in hopes the show would come back on quicker.
"Heh, no way. They're all a bunch of idiots," Sasuke said with a sigh.
Finally, the show was back on.
---
"Hello gentlemen," Mystery spoke to the crowd piling out of the bus. "And how are we tonight."
"Do we ever get to see women?!" Jiraiya asked impatiently.
"Of course," Mystery said calmly, "But I wonder . . . can you handle it?"
"What? Being around women? Of course I can, ignorant fool! I'm the master of seduction!! The ultimate thriller to the females of the world! I, Jiraiya, the God of Women!"
"Shut up, you cocky fool," Orochimaru interrupted, slapping Jiraiya on the back, "If anyone here is a wooer of women, it's me. I mean, seriously, take a good look at me!" And with that, he did a gay little twirl and finished in a Captain Morgan pose and gave a little wink. Only Kabuto was impressed. So much so, in fact, that he swooned into an unconscious state.
Looking at the fallen Kabuto, Jiraiya turned back to Orochimaru and sneered, "Oh yeah. That was brilliant. But I suppose you may be right. You're the master of wooing girly men. I suppose that's kinda like a real one."
Hissing at him, Orochimaru rushed over to Kabuto to make sure he was all right. Looking at the strange scene, Mystery turned from the weirdness and addressed the other men with a cocky smile and said, "So, does anyone else think they got what it takes?"
Every man raised their hands except for one. Iruka. Quickly taking a liking to him, Mystery smiled an even cockier smile at him and went over to pat him on the back. When he did, he said, "Don't worry, buddy. I'll help you become a master pickup ninja!" Smiling, Iruka felt a swell of joy burst up inside him.
However, he could not share his happiness with the others. Considering they were huddled in a small group and pointing and laughing at him, Iruka did not feel welcomed.
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Kakashi Camera
Poor Iruka. He's not going to fit in very well.
Gai Camera
It almost makes you feel bad for the little guy. I mean, obviously he's not going to win this competition. I am! The only way this would be fair is if I were to dress up in some sort of ridiculous outfit and try to make it cool or something. (As Gai is speaking this last sentence, the camera pans out slowly to reveal . . . a tight, green, spandex, jumpsuit. Mmm, yeah. That's hot.)
Seriously though, my only competition is myself! For I am the only stylish, hip, young man here! (Wink!)
Jiraiya Camera
None of the guys have the heart to tell Iruka that he's never going to make it in the world of women. Poor little guy tries so hard to be one of the men! I really do feel a great sense of pity for him, too.
Zabuza Camera
Hahaha!! What a loser! He totally belongs here! That Mystery guy was so happy that he had one guy to teach!! Oh man, Iruka, you are lame. Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!! I hope you get slapped in the face tonight! Yeah! By a woman! Ha! What a pansy. I hope you watch this and cry!
Itachi Camera
Heh . . . loser.
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Gathering the men into a small little group, Mystery proceeds to tell the guys to have a seat. "Now," he began when everyone was situated, "I'd like to learn a little about all of you. Iruka, we'll start with you."
Iruka's enthusiasm seemed to startle everyone in his immediate radius. "Well," he began with a large smile, "I'm kinda just a shy person with the ladies! I feel they think of me as more of a friend type and not as a cool bad boy!"
"That's cause you're not," Zabuza whispered under his breath.
"But I really want to learn to be more confident!! Please, sensei, TEACH ME THE WAYS!!!" Flinging himself at Mystery's feet, Iruka began to kiss his shoes and cry at the same time. All in exuberant happiness.
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Orochimaru Camera
Ugh! I've never seen a more pathetic person! Seriously, what a complete loser. We all felt very awkward sitting there. You don't know what it's like watching a man turn into a pussy before your eyes. It's . . . sad. It really is. Poor idiot.
Kabuto Camera
Whatever Lord Orochimaru said.
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Finally getting Iruka seated once more, Mystery continued to inquire about the men. "All right. Who's next? How about you, Gai."
"Certainly!" Gai said leaping from his seat. "But first, I want to give a shout out to Lee. HELLO LEE!!!!! Yes, I'm sure he felt it in his heart if he's not watching! Such a fiery spirit, that one!
Anyway! I feel that I am irresistible and am guaranteed to win this competition! I am smart, sexy, and stylish. Not to mention fabulous, fun, and feisty! Woof, woof, ladies!" (wink!)
"Interesting," Mystery said in a cocky little tone as the rest of the men scoffed. "Now, how about you, Zabuza?"
"Forget everything you knew about sexiness," Zabuza said striking a very undesirable pose, "Because I, Zabuza, am the definition of sexy! Ladies flock to me like fat children flock to their T.V. sets with a chocolate-covered lard ball!" Striking another pose, Zabuza sat down and folded his arms in a smug way.
The other men were sickened by his analogy, and Mystery didn't seem very impressed. Trying his best to ignore the creep sitting smugly before him, Mystery cleared his throat and asked, "Ok, who's next? Kakashi?"
Taking a different approach and merely sitting calmly in his chair, Kakashi looked at Mystery and said, "Really, I don't know why I'm here. Possibly it's because I want to humiliate every one of these mooks, but it could also be for the reason that . . . I was bored. I have no problem whatsoever in the art of seducing women. In fact," Kakashi continued taking out a Make Out Paradise, "I could probably teach you a few things."
This earned a few snickers from the men. However, Mystery was not pleased. His anger flared even more when his two wing men high fived each other behind him, joining in the merriment. "Anyway," Mystery said clearing his throat loudly, "Let's move on, shall we? Orochimaru, how about you?"
"Well, I just love meeting new people. Especially ones I can get freaky with, you know what I'm sayin'?! I prefer the night to the day and I have a strong fascination for a certain little Uchiha boy. But . . . girls are cool too. However, if they had a Sasuke like quality, I wouldn't be complaining. Hehehe."
"Leave him alone, you creepy pervert," Kakashi said turning a page in his book.
"Seriously, Lord Orochimaru. He's far too young for you! You shouldn't be setting your sights so low!" Kabuto screamed beside him.
"Oh calm down, Kabuto. You'll give yourself a nosebleed," Orochimaru said with an air of indifference.
"I didn't know my brother was in to such . . . perturbing things. Don't invite me to the wedding, ok?" Itachi murmured from his chair.
"Anyway," Mystery interrupted, "That's very interesting, Orochimaru. Itachi, it's your turn."
Looking annoyed, Itachi stared deeply into Mystery's eyes and said, "I have a tragic past. As long as I twist it to make it seem like I was the victim, women seem to fall for the dark, emo, bad boys. Also, I ignore them . . . but they think I'm so hot that it doesn't matter."
Mystery didn't seem to like his response and responded by leering at him. However, he didn't do this for too long and went on to the next person. "Okay, Jiraiya. Your turn."
"Finally," Jiraiya said eagerly, "It's my time to shine!" Walking slowly to the front of the group, Jiraiya turned on the crowd suddenly and a catchy little tune started to play. Then, Jiraiya began to sing: "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts! And I'm too sexy for my land, too sexy for my land. New York and Japan!" And he gave a little butt shaking move as a dance solo during this time.
Not being able to stand it anymore, Kakashi threw a shuriken at the musical contraption causing this horrid scene and shut off the music completely.
"Awww!" Jiraiya whined, defeated, "I wasn't done yet!"
"That's all right," Mystery said uncovering his ears, "I think we got it."
"Heh, that's right foo's!" Jiraiya said with a laugh and plopped back down in his chair.
"And finally," Mystery announced becoming more and more agitated with each introduction, "Kabuto. Care to tell us why you're so "wonderful" at wooing women?"
"Wooing women?!" Kabuto asked horrified, "But I love Lord Orochimaru! How dare you assume otherwise!"
"Just answer the nice man's question," Orochimaru hissed with a smile, elbowing Kabuto in the ribs. Giving him an understanding look, Kabuto turned back to Mystery and said, "But girls are freakin' sweet too. You know, with their big booty's, boobies, and . . . girly voices."
Smiling at Kabuto, Orochimaru crossed his arms happily and looked at Mystery. Kabuto did the same. Ignoring the freakishness of the previous conversation, Mystery turned to his two wing men and questioned, "Well boys? What do you think?"
J-Dog and Matador tried to look all menacing behind Mystery, but they ended up merely looking like they had large tree trunks crammed up their butts. Of course, when you try to intimidate someone who's cooler than you, it would come off that way.
"I don't think these guys are ready, Mystery," J-Dog said sounding very rehearsed. "Yeah," Matador agreed, "These guys are so scared, they're shaking." Again, it sounded very rehearsed. And the men were not impressed.
"Hmm, I don't see anyone shaking," Jiraiya said in a mocking way, "Unless you count Iruka, but I think that's just happiness."
Realizing they didn't succeed in intimidating the men, the two wing men stepped back defeated. Mystery had developed a twitch in his eye by this time and seemed to be sweating a sweat of anger and frustration. "Okay," he said, impatience in his voice, "Get in that club. Try out your "powers of seduction" and I'll see if you really do know how to woo a lady. Go!"
As the men were walking into the club, it went to commercial.
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"Sasuke. Are you gonna be alright?" Naruto was currently leaning over a frightened stiff Sasuke. Patting him on the cheek, Naruto looked at the clock on his bedside table. "Sasuke! You've been out for 10 minutes! Wake up!"
Blinking his eyes, Sasuke whispered, "Did you hear what he said?"
Sighing, Naruto said calmly, "Yes, Sasuke, I heard what he said. I don't think he really meant that Orochimaru was going to purpose to you. It was a joke. Maybe."
"But that freak just might do it!" Sasuke said sitting up suddenly.
"Ok, whatever," Naruto commented picking up his cell phone.
"What are you doing?" Sasuke said trying to sneak a peak.
"Oh, just sending this video of you screaming like a little girl and flailing around on my bed in a spastic way to everyone we know."
"What?!"
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"Lee! Please stop crying!" Tenten pleaded, covering her ears.
"Argh! Shut UP you fool!" Neiji grimaced, also covering his ears.
Lee had been crying since Gai had given him the shout out. But it wasn't tears of sadness, it was the tears of joy. Lee was screaming, "Oh Gai sensei! To think, that you would acknowledge me, me, on national television! My hearts swells with the fire of one thousand burning suns! The love you have shown me is . . . unbelievable! Unbelievable, Gai sensei!"
And Lee continued to fawn over the words of his sensei.
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"They really are just a bunch of retarded idiots," Tsunade commented pouring herself some more tea. "This is going to get interesting when they actually get in the club. Now I can see how they act when they think they know what women want." Snickering evilly, Tsunade turned up the volume slightly and sat back in relaxation in preparation to watch the rest of the show.
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End of Chapter 2
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A/N: Sorry the boys haven't entered the club yet. I'm just trying to make it so that everyone will get adequate speaking time. And that, consequently, takes up a lot of space. Plus, I didn't want to make it too long so that you'd lose interest, but I figured this chapter came out all right! They will definitely make it in the club next time, and then things should start progressing more smoothly! Thanks so much for reading! Reviews are greatly appreciated! Rock on, my people!!