Chapter Forty-Three
One Thousand Confessions
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Her heart was pounding violently against the wall of her chest, so violently that Calleigh found she could barely stand. She felt almost as though she were preparing to jump from a plane several miles in the sky, or take a dive right into the middle of a known shark habitat, or something equally as dangerous. And that was ridiculous – it was only a letter, and the only danger was that of a possible papercut.

But that wasn't entirely true, and Calleigh couldn't ignore it. There was even a part of her that might have preferred the skydiving and the sharks to the revelation of the letter. Did she really want to subject herself to more heartache because of Jake Berkeley? He might be out of her life for good this time; why couldn't she just leave it that way and begin the healing process? Why awaken the sleeping ghosts that might lie within that ominous envelope in the drawer before her?

Because she couldn't allow them to sleep any longer, Calleigh knew. While they slept, she didn't. While she tried to ignore it, it only ate away even more at the edge of her consciousness, making itself known in the most painful of ways – she couldn't forget. Couldn't forget about the letter, couldn't forget about him. Somehow, Jake still had some inexplicable hold upon her, something that affected every decision she made, every thought that passed through her tired mind. And it was because of that that Calleigh found herself in the foyer, drawing open that little drawer on that small table, and facing the ghosts she'd been fearing for…she couldn't even remember how long it had been. The letter had been in her possession for only a short while, but it seemed like she'd been fearing something bigger than that, something of which that letter was only one small part.

And now, it was before her eyes. So simple, so unassuming, so apparently harmless. A simple white envelope, embellished only by her name on the front of it – and yet, even just the sight of the scrawled letters in Jake's somewhat messy yet entirely readable handwriting left her with a tightness in her chest that Calleigh couldn't quite ignore. And before she could even think to stop herself, before she could even comprehend the action, her hands were reaching for the envelope almost as though drawn by a magnet, drawn by a stronger force than anything Calleigh might be able to deny. She watched as her fingers slowly curled around the edges of the envelope and brought it oh so slowly out of the drawer. It was heavy in her hands, a heaviness that filled Calleigh with a deep sense of foreboding, a feeling that she simply could not shake. Ink on a page, she told herself. That's all it is. But despite the words she repeated in her mind, Calleigh couldn't ignore the fact that she didn't believe that. Somehow, she knew it was more than that; more than just words.

For the moment though, her attention was drawn elsewhere, captured by something else, something entirely unexpected. In the void left behind by the letter, there was something, something that glimmered in the low light of the foyer, and it wasn't until Calleigh leaned closer that she realized exactly what it was.

Stashed away with the letter in that drawer was the key she'd given Jake so long ago, and the sight of it there plunged an undeniable block of ice into her already unstable stomach. Left behind, a final remnant of the trust they'd once shared, the trust that'd been shattered again by secrets and lies. His secrets and lies…but also hers too – she couldn't deny that. Clutching his letter in one hand, Calleigh cautiously reached for the key with a trembling hand – she paused halfway and squeezed her hand into a fist in an attempt to stop that, but it failed as she'd known it would. Her fingers curled slowly around the cool metal, and Calleigh couldn't help but wince as though burned – burned by the memories that flashed through the endless filmstrip in her mind. Suddenly the prickle of tears made its way uninvited to her eyes, and instinctively Calleigh squeezed them shut, trying to stave them off. She was done crying for him; she couldn't do it anymore. He'd made his decision – it was the job that was important. Always the job, and never her. Never. A man who made decisions like that didn't deserve her tears.

Knowing that, Calleigh knew she should carelessly toss the key back into the drawer, leaving it there for the next who might hold it, were there ever to be another one. She shouldn't care. Shouldn't give it a second thought. But there was just something about the idea of Jake relinquishing his hold upon that key that shook her to the core as she enclosed it tightly within her grasp.

It was in such stark contrast to the medallion he'd left her with. That, he'd left in her possession, around her neck and in her caring hands; he'd left it with her knowing she would keep it safe. But his key…it was almost as though he'd tossed it out without another thought; he hadn't thought to tell her, hadn't thought to make sure she knew there wasn't a spare key to her home floating around out there – he'd simply gotten rid of it. Her heart gave a sudden clench, the pain catching Calleigh completely by surprise. Something she'd trusted to him, cast so carelessly by the wayside…

It was too much. Her teeth dug into her lower lip as she lay the key gently back in the drawer and shut it away, unable to entertain the sight of it any longer. It hurt more than she was willing to admit, and really, it was easier just to ignore it. Ignore it, pretend she'd never seen it.

Pushing the key from her mind, however, left room for the weight that filled her other hand, the weight that crushed upon her heart and left her struggling for air, struggling for the willpower to merely remain standing. She was weakened, both from exhaustion and emotion, and even in her clouded mind Calleigh knew she'd never make it to the comfort of the couch or her bed, or even the kitchen table – her feet simply wouldn't carry her all the way there. It was a miracle she'd made it all the way to the foyer, as completely worn down as she was.

Her aching heart was pounding, pounding so frantically that it left her dizzy. She could hear nothing but the rush of blood through her ears, but even that wasn't loud enough to drown out the questions and fears within her mind. When Eric had brought her this letter, she'd resolved not to open it. If Jake had wanted to make sure she'd open it, he should've brought it to her himself, she reasoned. He'd spoken to her before he left – that was a day that stood out quite vividly in Calleigh's memory; his scent, his arms around her, his lips on hers as they kissed one last time – stop it, she silently berated herself. He's gone.

But that declaration didn't soothe her; if anything, it only intensified that overbearing sense of panic, a feeling she couldn't quite shake. And this time, not even the silent mantras she'd relied on before –he left you again; he didn't want you, just like before; you should hate him for doing this to you again, for making you believe that he wouldn't – were enough to quell that panic, that fear.

And it was fear. It was a fear that had settled deep in the pit of her stomach in the wake of her nightmare, a fear that had lurked just beneath the surface for weeks now. Before, it had simply been easier to ignore…because before, she wasn't imagining him being beaten and stabbed to death, the blood pouring from his battered body as his life slowly slipped away, as his heart tried and failed to compensate for the excessive loss of blood. Maybe it was simply a nightmare, but nothing, nothing had ever felt so real before, and even now, the images physically sickened her. Squeezing her eyes shut only worsened it; there was nothing she could do to drive the visuals away.

Even worse than that were the screams. Calleigh had never heard Jake cry out like that before, in sheer terror, in such agony. He was being tortured, and just the acknowledgment of that was enough to fill her veins with ice. She was chilled to the bone with fear for him – she'd read the details of his assignment, after all. Calleigh knew the danger he was in, and danger was putting it lightly. And while Calleigh wasn't sure what she wanted when it came to Jake Berkeley, she absolutely did not want him dead. She didn't want him hurt, didn't want him in danger at all.

The question, however, had been the same all along: what did she want?

Hailey.

And that was the only answer she was absolutely certain was correct. She wanted Hailey; she wanted the choice that would bring her Hailey, which made making the wrong decision an even more devastating prospect. What if Hailey was destined to be Eric's, and she chose Jake? What if she was destined to be Jake's, and she chose Eric? Either would lead to the same end – no Hailey.

Weakened from both exhaustion and emotion, Calleigh slowly lowered herself to the floor right there in the foyer, knowing that while her aching muscles craved a more inviting environment, perhaps the warmth of her bed or even the couch, she completely lacked the energy to pull herself anywhere else. The lack of substantial sleep left her head aching, but despite this her mind continued to race with thoughts and fears as Calleigh found herself still unable to escape the dream that haunted her, the nightmare that had pushed her to retrieve the letter, but now left her hesitating as she held it in her hands. Would reading it really make her choice any easier? Could there possibly be anything in Jake's words that she hadn't known before? Perhaps it would even just complicate everything even more…if that were actually possible.

She hadn't seen Eric in a couple of days, hadn't seen Jake in what felt like ages, had never actually seen Hailey, but still each of their faces danced so vividly through her mind, each one bringing along a thousand unanswered questions. Wracking her brain, Calleigh desperately searched for the answers that only her subconscious clearly knew. Again and again the images flitted through her mind, each one just as vivid as it had been the first time – Calleigh was certain none of them would fade for a very long time. She felt the fear as Hailey reached out to the window, just before the stormy night sky erupted in a flash of lightning, consuming everything in a brilliant explosion, one that had apparently claimed Hailey as a casualty – that thought left Calleigh drawing her knees in toward her chest, fighting back the nausea that had never fully abated. The idea of losing Hailey, despite her being little more than a dream at the moment, was simply unimaginable. Dream or not, that was her daughter; that much Calleigh couldn't deny.

Eyes squeezed tightly shut, she watched yet again as the images progressed, as a very clearly agonized Jake took stab after stab to the stomach; she felt the horror yet again as the figure revealed himself to be none other than Eric, whose cold words still chilled her blood.

"This is all your fault. All of it."

She didn't need to question what the words meant. Eric's agony, Hailey's fear, her own heartache…what didn't fit was the torment that Jake was enduring. He had been the one to hurt her, not the other way around. How could what she'd witnessed in her nightmare possibly be her fault? She didn't know, and frankly, she didn't want to know, because repeatedly watching Jake die in her imagination was much too horrifying for her to bear.

Instead, she allowed her mind to travel a different path. There was no questioning it; she knew that all of this had come about because she hadn't been able to make a clear-cut choice. Jake or Eric? She'd tried to approach it scientifically, not wanting to choose until she knew without a doubt which choice was right – she'd spent enough of her time repenting for making other wrong choices in her life, and this wasn't one she wanted to add to that list. There was simply nothing easy about it – she cared about Eric; she cared about Jake. Neither was perfect, yet both were as equally flawed. Was either choice really better than the other? That was what Calleigh had agonized over – would she ever really realize which one of them truly held her heart?

And if she didn't…

Her heart clenched so tightly in her chest that Calleigh could barely breathe. She knew where that was leading, as desperately as she wished she could ignore it. If she didn't make a decision, if she didn't make the right decision, part of her nightmare would come true.

There would be no hope for Hailey.

Her fingers clenched tightly around the letter she'd almost forgotten she still held. She'd stood from the bathroom floor; she'd walked from her bedroom with a purpose, a need to finally do what she should have done when the letter first made its way into her possession. Truth was, she really didn't want to know what was inside. She certainly wouldn't admit it, not even to herself, but there was even a fear that gripped her, just as tightly as she gripped the letter. She was afraid of what her eyes might find; she wasn't sure that she was strong enough to handle whatever might be written there.

Sitting alone in her foyer, she wasn't sure she was strong enough for anything anymore. In the past, she'd faced bullets, vengeful criminals, even the submersion of her Hummer in one of the many canals during all of her years of police work, and yet, in the end, all it took to break her was two men, a letter, and dreams of a little girl with blonde hair and dark brown eyes.

Exhaling deeply, Calleigh blinked back the sting of tears in her eyes, though barely did she have even the energy to accomplish that. She'd never been so entirely out of control of her emotions before; then again, she'd never really been this physically and mentally exhausted before either. Her walls weren't simply down; they'd been crushed. Every barrier she'd ever protected herself with lay crumbled at her feet; looking down at the letter in her hands, she couldn't help but shake her head in acknowledgment of an illogical outcome, one she'd only before ever encountered in a child's game. Paper, it seemed, truly did conquer rock.

Almost without her even realizing the motion, Calleigh's fingers slowly lifted the unsealed flap on the back of the envelope, pushing away and revealing the paper within. For only a moment did she hesitate; the trepidation was weighing heavily on her heart, but accompanying that was an even more pressing need. And that was exactly what it was – a need. She needed to do this; knowing that, she shakily slipped the pages from the envelope, letting it fall silently to the floor by her feet.

Only when they pages were completely unfolded before her did Calleigh falter again, and this time, it was not because of apprehension. This time, it was because she had no choice; she'd been utterly unprepared for this. The familiar scrawl of his handwriting tugged dearly at her heart, almost as if pulling her down into his words, leaving her entirely unable to turn back. And she knew that once she began, there would be no going back. After all, she couldn't un-read his words; couldn't pretend she hadn't finally allowed them to wash over her.

And yet, even knowing that, knowing that the truth might destroy her, Calleigh still couldn't pry her eyes away.

It started with a simple salutation, just her name affixed to the top of the first page, identical to the letters that had adorned the front of the envelope. It was plain, without embellishment, but then again, Jake had rarely needed to embellish anything to command her attention.

For a second, Calleigh closed her eyes, nibbling anxiously at her lower lip as she prayed for the mental fortitude not to continue, but to finish. Continuing was inevitable; finishing would be the difficult part, she knew. When she was certain she was calm enough for this, Calleigh slowly blinked her eyes open, drawing in a deep breath before exhaling deeply.

And then, she began.

Calleigh -

I think that I've been sitting here for half the night, maybe even longer, just trying to find some way to start this. You'd think I'd have somewhere to begin, what with everything I know I need to say to you, but I just don't know. None of the words feel right, and every time I feel like I have something, it just doesn't feel like enough – all the crumpled sheets of paper surrounding me are testament to that. But if I give up, if I just push this to the side and forget about it, I know I'll never forgive myself. I may still never forgive myself, but if I can just get onto paper even a little of what I'm feeling right now, I'll know I will have tried.

Once upon a time, you told me that the only thing I was scared of was failure. I'm not entirely sure if that's what I'm afraid of most right now – all I know is that this is quite possibly the most cowardly thing I have ever done, writing you this letter. But at this point, I'm out of options. You won't hear me out, and I don't blame you. I wouldn't give me the chance either – to be honest, I wouldn't have given me the first of the second chances.

With this letter, though, I'm asking for one last chance – this is it. It's your choice; everything I have to say is all here, everything I should've told you from the very beginning. It's your choice to read it or not – if you don't, I would completely understand. And if so…well, I can't say that it's a definite that I'll ever know that you did or didn't read this, because odds are that I'll never see you again anyway.

I'm sorry it's coming to you on paper instead of in person – you deserve to be told all of this in person, not in a letter. I should have told you in the very beginning, but I was convinced that it wouldn't come to this. I thought I could take care of it; I thought I could do it without losing you again. But yet again, I failed. So many times I failed you, and you can't even begin to know the regret I hold over that.

I'm sorry. I know I can say that over and over, and it won't mean a thing because you've heard it from me so many times before. I just wish there was something I could do this time, something I could say so you could know how much I truly mean it. I'm sorry for everything.

The last thing I ever, ever wanted to do was hurt you. I would give anything if only I could make you believe that. I know it's probably all just too little too late. I couldn't leave, though, without making sure I'd done all that I could to make sure you knew all of this. So this is me, Cal; this is me giving you everything you should've been given before, and I can only pray that someday you will forgive me. I don't deserve it, but I can hope.

My actions, all my lies – they're nothing less than inexcusable. But if I had the chance to go back, I'd probably do things the same way, only for one reason. Everything I ever did, I did it for you. I don't expect you to believe or even fully understand that – how could everything I did be for you if all I ever did was hurt you?

You told me that some things would never change; that I would never choose to step out for you. If that were my only choice; if it was the only one I ever had to make, I would've done it in a heartbeat for you. Every minute that I was away from you was nothing less than sheer torment. As I write this, you have no idea how badly I'm missing you. Your smile, your laugh, your sweet perfume – everything.

Over ten years ago, the first day that I locked eyes with you, the first day that you spoke my name – that very first day at the academy was the day I fell in love with you. I still remember that day so vividly. God, you were so beautiful. That very first morning, you were the subject of catcalls and whistles galore, but by the end of the day, you'd made sure that every single one of those guys knew that you could kick their asses, both in the classroom and in practicals. Never mind the first time they let us out on the range. You proved yourself, proved that you belonged there just as much, if not more than anyone else there, and that's part of what drew me to you. You're assertive; you know what you want, and you're not about to lay down and let anybody walk over you – if anything, you're the one pushing everyone else out of the way. And yet, even with all that determination, that resolve of yours, you always managed to hold onto that sweet, Southern charm that I fell in love with on that very first day.

You are beautiful, stunning, and just downright amazing, and I know I never did anything to deserve you.

You deserve so much better than me.

All I'm asking now is for the chance to tell you everything, even if I have to do it like this. If I never come back to you, I'll never have another chance. I need to know that you know all of this. I can't go out there believing that I'll take all of this to the grave with me. I need you to know, Calleigh. I need you to know. And like I said, I have no way of knowing whether you'll actually read this, but it's enough for me to know that I've finally gotten it all out there to you. It's enough to know that I finally gave the effort I should've been giving all along. But at the same time, it's not enough. It'll never be enough, because you deserve so much better.

You deserved more than the lies. You told me yourself, that was all our relationship was based upon – lies. Secrets and lies, and those started in the very beginning, over a decade ago. It was the nature of the work - you never got to know where I was or what I was doing, even when I would come home with scars that you would question – you knew I was in danger, but I never clued you in to anything beyond that. And maybe I should have told you more. Maybe I should've shared some of this with you – carrying all of this alone has damn near killed me after all these years. At the same time, though, that's what I never wanted for you. I never wanted to scare you, or inadvertently involve you in anything – you know some of what I had to do as a UC cop. As a UC cop, I broke nearly every law that you and I both swore to help uphold. And I didn't want you to be tainted by any of that, because let's be honest, some of it was the kind of thing that could ruin a career, and you have worked much too hard to get where you are now. I don't think I ever told you how much I admire you for that, and I should have. The odds were stacked against you from the beginning, and you just laughed and pushed yourself far beyond what anyone could have expected. Not once did I ever see you take the easy way out, something I have been guilty of too many times in my life. Too many times.

I never told you this either – you and me, we never really did this kind of thing; to be honest, I never really knew how. I didn't know how to tell you how much you really meant to me, and out of everything, I think that's the regret that follows me more closely than any other. I never wanted it to seem like I took you for granted, especially when it was the complete opposite.

I know what you thought was that I cared about the job more than I ever cared about you. I know you thought I was in love with the job, that I'd do anything for that damn UC gig, without ever once thinking about what it did to you. Not true. Not true at all, Calleigh, and I know my actions all say otherwise, and I can't blame you for thinking what you thought – it's not like I ever did anything to show you otherwise. Truth is, it damn near killed me every time I had to walk away from you. Every frown, every tear, every look of betrayal that I know without a doubt was because of me…you have no idea what that did to me. Knowing that I hurt you over and over again…believe me, I've carried the guilt of that for over ten years, everywhere I've gone. It hasn't gone away, and it definitely hasn't eased. All of this because I made one stupid decision over a decade ago, a decision that haunts me to this day, a decision that will probably continue to haunt me until the day I die.

I told you what happened that night in the alley with Sam, during one of my earliest assignments. I told you that I watched my own partner ruthlessly kill a man for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I told you that I helped cover that up. And I told you that I gave up my own partner while leaving out the details of my own involvement. It wasn't because I was only looking out for myself that day, Cal. I was put in a position that left me completely backed into a corner. I know you've been interrogated by IAB in the past; take that, and multiply it by a few thousand, and maybe you can come close to understanding the pressure I was put under when I was interrogated. I was so close to my breaking point, and I made a rash decision, one that I made quickly and under the influence of fear, and to this day, I honestly can't say why I gave him up and didn't confess my own involvement. All I can say is that I was a kid, Calleigh. Catch a couple of preschoolers doing something wrong, and what's the first thing they do? Play innocent, blame the other kid, and hope they spilled before the other kid did.

I was a kid about to have the entire rest of my future taken away from me. I could literally see it fading away in front of me, and I did the first thing I could think of to do. All those years I'd been taught to think quickly yet rationally suddenly meant nothing. And why? Because I was petrified. They hit me with the one and only weakness I had – you.

Calleigh paused then, unaware she'd been holding her breath as she read until the burn in her lungs became painful. It wasn't, however, the burn in her lungs that led to the sharp intake of air she took, the gasp that seemed to echo in the room around her. Even before she continued, Calleigh somehow knew the confession that was to come would leave her head spinning and her heart pounding. And despite the trepidation that cloaked her, she knew she couldn't have stopped now if she'd wanted to.

I was determined not to let them crack me during the span of the "debriefing." That was what they called it, anyway, but it was exactly what I called it before – an interrogation. They did everything they could to break me, and I stood strong. Sam did as well, I assume, because otherwise the process would not have taken as long as it did. They were waiting for one of us to break – unfortunately for me, they discovered my weakness first.

I know you hate to hear this – it's rarely ever true, anyway – but you were wrong, Calleigh. Failure was not what I am most afraid of. My biggest fear, the one thing that completely petrifies me, is the idea of losing you for good. Forever. And that was the reality that I was faced with.

I can still hear the clap of his hand against the table in that stuffy room; I can still remember the smirk on his face when he lifted his hand, revealing pictures of you. You, doing mundane, everyday things – running errands, window-shopping, jogging. They were following you. For how long, I can't say. But definitely long enough to know your routines. And he threatened me – if I didn't talk, they were going to come after you. Extremely underhanded, unorthodox tactics, yeah, but that's the whole world of UC. There are no rules, and I knew that from the very beginning. I just never thought I would end up in that kind of situation. As soon as you were threatened, I gave up Sam. Just like that.

I did the one thing I knew how to do in that moment – try my best to protect you. I know, I know - you'll read that and shake your head, right? Because Calleigh Duquesne doesn't need to be protected. Calleigh Duquesne can take care of herself.

The ghost of a smile tugged briefly at her lips - Jake knew her too well. If he'd ever said that to her in person, Calleigh was completely sure that would be her reaction - indignance. She did resent the idea of needing to be protected, and not only had Jake known that, but he'd respected it. And maybe, Calleigh couldn't help but wonder, that was part of the reason why she hadn't heard any of this until now.

And yeah, you are strong, you always were. I don't want you to think that I ever thought otherwise. But did that mean I was going to just sit by and let you be put in the position where you had to prove you could protect yourself? Not a chance. If I did that, I couldn't live with myself. I turned on my partner because of a threat against you, a threat that may or may not have even been real – I wasn't going to take that chance, though. We were never careful, you and me. Back then, we didn't have rules forbidding us to see each other. Hell, I wanted to be seen with you – I wanted everybody to know that you were mine. We were always together, and that made it very easy for anybody to use the one thing that meant the most to me against me. They knew I wouldn't risk putting you in danger. They knew I'd give them what they wanted if they threatened to go after you, whether that threat was genuine or not. Even now, I still don't know if it was a bluff or not, but I couldn't take that chance. Not with you.

That was the beginning of the end, that day. When I was working UC as one of the Crypt Kings, I told you that to turn my back on them would be suicide – once you're in with them, once you swear to have their backs, you'd better mean it. And that was how my squad back in New Orleans was too – to a lesser degree, but like that nonetheless. After what I did, I was labeled a rat. I think it was all a test, a test that I failed miserably. If I turned my back on my partner when a cop threatened the one thing that meant the most to me, then I'd sure as hell turn my back on my partner if the bad guys were to do the same. I turned my back on my partner, and then my squad turned their backs on me. What good is a UC who gives up his secrets? At least, that's how they saw me. I was good, damn good, but it didn't matter. Anybody could find out what you meant to me; anybody could use that against me, and I would crumble just as easily as I had the first time.

After all of that, I tried to walk away. As much as I enjoyed the thrill of being someone I wasn't, of playing a dangerous role, I didn't want any part of it if that was how things were going to be. I did try, but UC…once you're in, it's not always the easiest thing to walk away from. Especially when you've been labeled as a rat, especially when every single cop you work beside of day after day wants nothing more than to make your life miserable, nothing more than to make you pay for turning your back on your brother. My transfer paperwork was repeatedly lost, deemed incomplete, or just flat-out unaccepted, and I don't know how much of that was because of what happened in the alley that night, and how much of it was because of what I said that day. I couldn't leave. And my assignments rapidly grew more and more dangerous, far more quickly than they should have. I was trapped. I made one mistake and it trapped me for the rest of my career. And it wasn't long after that that you and I, we started to crumble. I was stressed, you were stressed, I was always gone, you were always worried. And there was nothing I could do – I was going to lose you, no matter what I did. The choice I was faced with ripped me in half, Calleigh. I could take a chance with your life, based on threats that may or may not have been genuine, or I could let you go. I turned my back on you and let you walk away because it was the only way I knew to keep you safe. I wanted you, God I wanted you. But I would die before I ever put you in danger.

I sacrificed my freedom and my desires for a guarantee of your safety, and damn it, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. If something ever happened to you because of me, I don't know what I would do. My recklessness, my foolishness, hell, my childishness – if something were to happen to you because of any of that, it would kill me. I know you thought I didn't care about you, about us, but the truth is, I don't think it was possible for me to care more. I lost my best friend, and my family, well, you know how family can be. You were all I had, Calleigh. You were everything. You are everything.

When I lost you, when I realized you'd left New Orleans for good, I became reckless. I threw myself into the UC work and threw caution out the window. I did a lot of things that I'm not at all proud of; things that could cost me more than my career were I not actually on the clock. I did what I had to do to stay alive; at the same time, I did what I had to do to forget everything that had brought me to that point.

And then, after nearly a decade of playing just far enough on the dark side to convince even the most suspicious of the gangs I'd infiltrated, I was offered a prime assignment, one that would get me out of New Orleans for good. As much as I wanted to get out of UC, I have to admit that I jumped at the chance to get in with the Crypt Kings. Not for the bikes, not for the thrills, but because I knew they operated out of Miami. I knew that this would put me in Miami for quite some time – it wasn't supposed to be a quick job, and it wasn't – I was here for almost a year before you and I ever crossed paths. And that was the chance I was banking on – I knew you'd ended up here, and I knew there was that slim chance that we'd actually run into each other. You're a cop, and I was playing the bad guy – it's not like the scenario was impossible. I didn't really expect it, but I hoped. I hoped, and that was what kept me going during those hot days, the long nights that felt utterly endless.

It paid off one muggy afternoon in early October. I won't soon forget the day you stormed into that warehouse with the same confidence, the same authority you'd held on that very first day at the academy, and that was all I needed to see. Scrounging around with the Crypt Kings wasn't my favorite way to spend my time, but seeing you again made it all worth it. Maybe that's why I let you take me down that day. Because I did. I let you take me down. I could've stopped you if I'd wanted to.

Half laughter, half sob - it was the sound that escaped Calleigh's lips as her eyes took in those words. It was one of the first things he'd said to her when their paths had crossed again; he'd been so quick to remind her that she'd always faltered around him, that her fixation with him was what had cost her the number one spot in their academy class. He'd never really stopped teasing her over that. And anytime she had managed to beat him at anything, his insistence had been that he'd let her win just so she wouldn't feel bad. It was maddening at times...but even so, seeing it now without being able to hear his playful voice was like a knife to the heart.

Thing is, I didn't want to stop you. And later, when you sat across the table from me in that interrogation room that day, I was the cocky, arrogant jerk you'd accused me of being years ago, but that was who I had to be. I couldn't give anything away, least of all what was just underneath all of that. Underneath all of that, I knew that nothing had changed for me – ten years had made no difference at all. I was still in love with you. Trying to get over you, trying to forget you; all that was useless. I guess I tricked myself into thinking I could, but I don't think I could ever trick myself into believing that there would ever be anybody else who could ever be the same for me as you.

The story is that you guys blew my cover with the Crypt Kings – not true. They were suspicious, and having MDPD lurking around didn't help things, but they never really discovered who I was. Or maybe they did, I don't know – I stopped showing up. I just stopped. It was dangerous, but they only knew me under an alias so I assumed I'd be safe enough, especially given that I was in a new city. So I tried again to transfer out, and finally ended up working homicide. I figured that was it, that my past was back in New Orleans, that I'd finally escaped from that. I thought that finally it was done.

I never thought for a second though that you would actually give me a second chance. I wanted it more than anything; I wanted to show you everything I failed to show you before. I wanted to finally give you everything I wasn't able to give you before; I wanted to prove to you that I could be the person you deserved to be with. But I never really thought that you would give me that second chance; Lord knows I never deserved that much from you. And I have no idea what I was thinking that day when I kissed you in the middle of the lab. I wasn't thinking; I just couldn't not do it.

And even after I took you to dinner that night, I just knew you were going to let me down at your doorstep – I didn't have high expectations. So I never, ever dreamed that you would take my hand and pull me inside; never dreamed that I'd wake up beside of you the next morning. After so long away from you, it was all I could do to even move from that spot. I thought it couldn't get any better than that, but then, slowly but surely, it seemed like things were starting to fall into place for us again. My things were scattered around your condo, you had things at my place, and it felt completely natural. I don't know about you, but for me, everything just felt right, and that's not something I've felt very often in my life – something that only ever seemed to happen when I was with you.

And then, things started to change again. I discovered the hard way that the past never really leaves you alone – you piss off someone dearly enough, they're going to make sure you pay your debts completely. Apparently, I hadn't, at least not to their satisfaction. I should have told you everything when I realized what was happening – I didn't, though, because I tried everything I could to get out of it. My transfer to homicide didn't go through as smoothly as I'd thought – apparently, I was working both. UC and homicide, and an assignment could come up at any time. They made sure that I knew they still owned me. Ironic, really – they didn't want anything to do with me, but they weren't about to let me go. My ultimatum was one last assignment, and you were right when you accused me of never having any intention of telling you about it, but it's not because I wanted to go behind your back to do it. I knew what it would do to you, Cal. To us. And I'd promised myself that I was never going to break your heart again.

This was to be my final assignment – the terms were laid out plainly for me. I was a liability, I guess – like I said, they didn't want anything to do with me; I was more trouble than what I was worth to them, but in the end, I guess they figured I knew too much. This final assignment was an assignment no one else was willing to take, and if I completed it, I was done. No one else would take it. No one. The deal was that if I took it and completed it, I could walk away cleanly; I could have my life back. First, I had to make it out alive, and that was why no one wanted to take this assignment. The odds were stacked too far against whoever went in; it was more dangerous than anything I've ever done before. I was told flat-out that there was almost no chance of me making it out alive; the squad never wanted me to make it out alive. Nice to see that in ten years some things really do stay the same, even if those things do have to be those underhanded and unorthodox methods. You know as well as I do that, even though we're supposed to be the good guys, cops don't necessarily always play by the rules, especially UC.

Calleigh, I know you found that envelope, the one with the details of this assignment in it. I know you probably thought that, after a few months of homicide, I must have been itching to get back to UC. I wasn't. I never wanted to see that part of my past again. It was too risky to go back to, and I wanted more than that. I wanted to finally have some stability in my life. I wanted the certainty rather than the uncertainty, the unpredictability, the volatility. And mostly, I just wanted you. You. I wanted a life with you. I had all these dreams, these wishes that you probably never even imagined I was capable of having. I wanted my life to mean something; I wanted to wake up in the morning and know that you were still sleeping beside of me. I wanted to marry you, start a family with you. Things I had never even given a second thought to until I met you.

She almost dropped the letter right out of her hands when a sudden image of Hailey flashed unexpectedly before her eyes. Her heart clenched; the butterflies in her stomach fluttered almost frantically. Her gaze flowed over that same paragraph again, though this time only the words danced in front of her eyes - but even that was enough to stun her, visions of Hailey or not. The Jake Berkeley she knew didn't really believe in marriage. The Jake Berkeley she knew had never even professed to wanting kids. And yet, it was here, all written out for her, and even Calleigh couldn't deny how the revelation managed to steal her breath.

Ten years ago, I was barely anything more than a stupid kid, a kid who made a few more mistakes than I knew how to deal with, a kid who got in too far over my head. A kid who knew little more than one thing and only one thing – I was so in love with you, Cal. So in love with you that it terrified me. But if it terrified me back then, there are no words for what it does to me now. I love you. I love you, more than you'll probably ever know, and God, I can't even imagine my life without you. I fell head over heels for you back at the academy and I never, ever came back from that.

I told you once, while you were sleeping. I wish I hadn't been such a coward; I wish I'd told you when you would hear me. Because now, I might never get the chance to say it, and that eats me alive. The pain is unbearable, you have no idea. That, and the knowledge that I hurt you so, so much – it haunts me every day. There's not a minute that I don't think about that; not a minute in any day that I don't think of you. You always joked about how I thought so highly of myself – truth is, I hate myself more than you could ever imagine. I hate that you gave me a second chance and I was stupid enough to screw it up just like the first time. I hate that I even needed a second chance; that I ever hurt you to begin with. I hate that I couldn't tell you what you meant to me, even when I knew I was losing you.

I keep thinking back to that night. That night I came home from New Orleans and found you sleeping on the couch. That night I carried you to bed, that night you reached for me and asked me not to go. I didn't sleep that night, Cal. Didn't sleep at all because I was afraid of waking up and not being with you. Ironic, right? I'm the one who always left you behind and there I was afraid you would simply disappear out of my arms. I was only half-wrong, though – that next morning was the morning you told me to get out.

If on paper the words seemed cold and cruel, hearing them in her voice must have been a thousand times worse. Calleigh couldn't help but flinch; she'd been so caught up in protecting her heart from all of Jake's lies and secrets that she hadn't given any consideration to Jake's heart – or maybe she hadn't really cared at all. He hadn't cared about hurting her…or so she'd believed.

I try not to think about that, though, because it hurts too much. Instead, I think about the night before. Maybe if I hadn't been so afraid, I would have told you how I felt while you were awake, instead of being the coward that I am and waiting until you were asleep. What was I afraid of? You saying it back? You not saying it back? I don't know; I don't think I'll ever know. The only thing I really know is that what I said was true – I love you, and as I lay awake holding you that night, there was no question about it in my mind. You're the only one I've ever loved; the only one I could love. I can't imagine not loving you.

I am so, so incredibly sorry that I ever hurt you, that I repeatedly hurt you. I never deserved you – I took your heart and smashed it on the ground in front of you, and then I walked away. I turned my back and walked away from you, and for that, you can't imagine just how sorry I am, how terrible I still feel because of that. I may have had my reasons, but that doesn't help me sleep any better at night.

All I ever wanted to do was protect you. Because that's what you do when you love someone – you try your damndest to protect them from everything. Even when that person happens to be as stubborn and as strong-willed as you, Cal. I needed to know that I was protecting you, if not for you, then for me, just so I would know you were safe. I couldn't live knowing that I'd put you in danger, knowing that I'd put your life on the line. I have lost so damn much because of this job. I was not going to sacrifice your life. I would take a bullet for you, I'd jump in front of a speeding car for you. Hell, I would do anything for you.

I told you, both in person and in this letter, that I've done a lot of things over the years that I ended up regretting. I might have been on the wrong side of the law more than on the right, but in UC, you do what you have to do to survive. And most of all, I did what I had to do to assure myself I could come home to you; after you were gone, I did what I had to do to assure myself that I could live another day, another day with another possibility of someday finding you again. It sounds corny, but you were the reason behind everything I ever did. You're still the reason for everything that I do.

And you're the reason I'm writing this letter, even though I know you may never read it, not with the way I left you. I'm writing this because you deserve to know the truth. Because I'm sorry. And most of all, because I love you. Because I've always loved you. Because I love you with everything that I am.

And because maybe one day you might forgive me. It's the last thing I deserve, but I've never met anyone with a purer heart than you.

At that, Calleigh couldn't help but flinch, feeling the guilt pour into her like a waterfall, burning her from the inside out. There was nothing, nothing pure about her heart – her own guilt told her that, Eric had basically spelled it out for her, and lest she forget the goodbye – not that it could really be called good – that she'd given Jake. She'd wanted him out of her life, hadn't she? She'd wanted him out of her life just so she wouldn't have to make that choice, the one she'd dreaded and put off for almost two years. And that had only led to the breaking of three hearts – certainly, she could find nothing pure about what remained of her own heart.

Her stomach gave a sickening jolt at the thought that that was how Jake saw her. If his written words held more water than the spoken word, she was nothing less than perfection to him. Beautiful. Special. A pure heart. None of that was anything Calleigh could claim right now – she couldn't even fully describe how she did feel, but she was certain none of those words would fit; they were just too far opposite.

And she was trembling. Calleigh hadn't realized it until she turned her eyes back to the page to continue reading, but found the words blurred due to her inability to hold the letter still. She wasn't even sure why she was trembling until her vision cleared, seemingly focusing on three simple words sprinkled throughout that letter.

I love you.

The words crashed over her like a wave from the ocean, flooding her with more emotion than she could possibly ever define. If she closed her eyes, she would swear she could almost hear the words, whispered in his quiet voice, the voice that never failed to give her chills. His breath against her skin; his lips on her forehead, her temple, her lips. His arms wrapped tightly around her, enveloping her snugly in his embrace whether standing on the beach or laying together in her bed. And those words…every word he'd written, each one spoken aloud, his voice to her ears, from her ears directly to hear heart. And there they took up residence, warming her, yet chilling her at the same time.

There was no question about it in her mind – this had clearly taken a lot out of Jake. He could, on occasion, be verbose, but usually only when he was absolutely certain of his abilities. Never when he was speaking of emotions, or anything near as deep as what Calleigh had just read. And that brought another chilling truth before Calleigh's eyes – Jake was sometimes guilty of exaggeration, but all that Calleigh had read…somehow, she knew without a doubt that there wasn't a single word in that letter that bore anything less than the truth.

And that was enough to leave her stunned. She couldn't say what she had been expecting; she'd had no idea at all, but what she'd found had been so beyond anything she could have imagined. Calleigh had thought perhaps a short, simple apology, an I had to do this, a declaration of no regrets. Apologies, but littered with excuses and reasons that she'd heard time and time again; excuses and reasons she'd stopped believing ten years ago.

But there was none of that. Apologies, yes. Reasons too, but the reasons were anything but excuses. It all made sense; his explanations didn't feel as if there were holes or missing pieces – they felt complete. Calleigh wasn't sure what made a written explanation more believable than anything that had ever come out of his mouth, but there was something, just something. Something that brought tears to her eyes and a quiver to her fingers, a chill to her spine.

There was always, as the darkest corner of her mind reminded her, the possibility that this letter was just as fictitious as the cover stories he'd fabricated for her in the past. Tigers didn't change their stripes, after all – once a liar, always a liar; once a heartbreaker, always a heartbreaker. But if this…if all of what he had written was true, then perhaps he'd never been the cold-hearted, arrogant liar she'd accused him of being. Closing her eyes, she desperately tried to draw up memories from the past, memories that were over a decade old, but in her state of exhaustion, her brain simply seemed not to work. She did remember the look in his eyes when finally he'd come home from the assignment that had changed everything – the word that had flashed through her mind even then had been haunted. He'd said nothing about it then, just that the assignment had been long and hard, and that he and his partner had run into some complications during the debriefing. Had he watched her just a little longer than usual during dinner that evening? Had he been a little more attentive to her in bed that night? Had he held her a little tighter? She couldn't remember no matter how hard she wracked her brain, and in the end, she wasn't sure if that was because of the exhaustion, or because she had blocked out so very much of her time with Jake after he'd broken her heart.

And she had blocked out quite a bit. The good memories, she'd forced herself to forget; the bad, she'd just ignored until they'd faded away. It left her with very little to compare with; most of the memories she could draw immediately to mind were memories from just the past year and a half. The shock she'd felt when her eyes locked with his that day in the warehouse; her own cold declaration of how some things just never change. The surge of unexpected jealousy she'd felt when she'd seen his picture with a young girl on a suspect's phone. The cautious – so cautious – feeling of glee that had descended upon her when he'd promised to work harder and finish work faster so they could finally share the dinner they'd been planning for weeks. The heartache, the betrayal she'd felt when she found that envelope of his; the nausea and disbelief that had settled in behind it. She'd been so hurt; she'd felt tricked. It was almost as though Jake simply wanted a little bit of everything – her, and his alternate life. And her immediate belief had been that he'd gone behind her back to ensure that he could have both. Secrets and lies, all over again.

She'd expected to find closure in packing up his things for him; she'd expected to find peace when he collected his things and removed them from her condo. But what she had felt was closer to emptiness than any kind of closure. The selfishness that had led her to hold on to his medallion; the guilt she'd felt when he finally revealed the story behind it. And oh, the confusion…

She'd left the safety of her desk behind in favor of rushing forward and all but throwing herself into his arms that day, the day he'd said his final goodbye. Her emotions had been at war within her; his arms felt nice around her, but they shouldn't. His voice had sounded beautiful to her ears, but it shouldn't have. His lips had felt wonderful against hers, but they shouldn't have. And then he had turned his back to leave, one last time, and even now Calleigh wasn't sure she could lend a name to everything she had felt, watching him walk away from her.

And now, this letter…confessions that had remained unspoken for years. What if she had found it earlier? What if she had found it before he'd left for good? Would she have gone to him? Tried to stop him? Let him go believing he would come back? How much danger was he in out there; could she even truly comprehend that? Where was he; would she ever even know that? What if there was the slightest bit of truth to the nightmare she'd experienced? What if he was suffering alone, slowly bleeding out, engulfed in excruciating pain somewhere?

Was it possible that he wasn't even alive?

If she'd faced her fears sooner and opened the letter when Eric had first brought it to her, would that have made any difference to anything?

The questions rushed through her head at a dizzying speed, only to give way to even more that would never find their answers.

It was too much all at once, and Calleigh could do more than simply remain in the foyer, sitting against the wall on the cold tile floor, blurry eyes staring at the pages in her hands, the words on those pages. Slowly, so slowly, she allowed the letter to slip from her trembling fingers page by page to the floor. The last page, though, she held onto – in stark contrast to all the others, it was nearly blank, save for a single sentence adorning the center of the page. His way of closing a letter that had ended rather abruptly on the previous page – no closing, not even a concluding statement. In fact, it was almost as though a page had been missing, but then again, as Calleigh realized with the sting of tears in her eyes, the two of them had never really been too good at goodbyes…and maybe that was part of why their paths, their lives, had yet to fully separate, even after ten full years apart.

Sitting there in the foyer, Calleigh had failed to comprehend the passage of time until twilight began to break in the eastern sky, slowly clearing away the darkness of night and burning away the fog that had settled in during the overnight hours. Tendrils of first light reached for her, spilling through the windows on either side of the front door, enveloping her tired body in the soft glow of daybreak. But even as the sun itself finally peeked over the horizon in a magnificent sunrise, Calleigh found she could not even afford it a momentary glance – her gaze was fixed upon the final words of that letter, the last words that might ever come from Jake Berkeley. And as the gravity of that truth pressed upon her, the words begin to swim before her blurry eyes as tears once more obstructed her vision.

I know you likely don't believe any of this, and I doubt I'll ever get the chance to prove it to you – I guess I let that chance slip away from me a long time ago, but there was never a time, never a second of any day that I didn't love you.