Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, places or things from resident evil. They all belong to capcom and other involved companies. This is just for the enjoyment of others.

Ok I know I should be working on my other story now but me and my friends have been joking about resident evil 1 for too long and I decided to waste both my time and your time to put together this stupid boring fic that's supposed to be funny. Well if you dare, here's my stab at humor.

A NIGHT OUT AT SPENCER ESTATE

Chris walked down the mansion hallway. The carpet was bright crimson. He had been trapped in this mansion for hours and he was beginning to wonder if they would ever make it out of here alive. He checked his handgun and saw that he only had 10 more bullets left.

"Damn! Why do I always get the gay weapons anyway? I mean come on Jill gets to run around with a Fucking Grenade launcher, a shotgun, a handgun and a fucking magnum! All I get is this sissy ass little shit that takes 20 bullets to kill one fucking zombie. This sucks."

Chris sighed in self pity and continued to walk down the hall.

****

Elsewhere in the mansion, Jill and Barry had just discovered the body of a dead Zombie after Barry had shot it with his Magnum.

"What is this?"

"I don't know Barry." Jill replied retardidly. I mean it looks like a Zombie and it smells like a zombie and… ya know if I just took one teeny weeny lil bite, I bet you it tastes like a Zombie too!"

"But… What is this?"

"It's a dead Zombie Barry, but I just like saying I don't know cause the translators really screwed up our lines for the game."

Barry looked at Jill like confused child. "What is this…"

"I just told you Barry. It's a dead Zombie."

Barry knotted his face up in thought. Then after a moment… "What is this…?"

Now Jill was starting to get pissed off. "Damnit BARRY IT'S A ZOMBIE OK?!?! A DEAD FUCKING ZOMBIE! WITH FUCKING BLOOD COMING OUT OF ITS FUCKING MOUTH!"

Barry's lower lip began to tremble at Jill's harsh screaming. "I'm sorry Jill, I only wanted to know what it was. You didn't have to get all loud and stuff."

Jill was now totally pissed off. "Look Barry why don't you just go into a different room ok? I mean even if you do, if I tried to follow you, you wouldn't be there. How the hell do you move so fast anyway?"

"Ha ha ha, well Jill that's easy I-… uh… ummm now that you mention it… I … don't … know…"

Jill simply rolled her eyes! "Fine! Whatever. Lets just get the hell out of here and finish this stupid fic huh?"

However much to Jill's dismay Barry just stood there.

"Now what is it?"

Uh Jill this may not really be a good time but…"

"YES???"

Barry turned his eyes back to the dead zombie. "What is this?"

"DAMNIT BARRY!!!!!"

****

Meanwhile in another part of the mansion…

"UUUHHHHHH…. 'cough' 'couch' UHHH WAAAAAA"

"Ha" Rebecca screamed as she ran around spraying mace in the zombie's faces. She was starting to have fun but she became very bored then decided to play hide and seek with the zombies.

"Come on get me! I'm in here!" Rebecca cried as she playfully ran into a storage room. She saw a key on the floor but thought nothing of it and threw it out of the room and closed the door.

CLICK

"UHHNNNNN…"

Rebbecca jumped at the new sound

"Yikes"

Lying on the floor in front of her was a Zombie with big gooey eyes staring at her with its tongue stuck out and saliva dripping from its mouth.

"UUUHHHNNNN… DEEEE'SSSSSS…"

"What the fuck?!?!?"

"UHHH,…. BBBBAABBBBBYYYYY…"

"AAAAAAAAAA" Rebbecca screamed as she ran to the door. However as she turned the nob she realized her folly. She had stupidly locked herself in.

"uhhh…. Opps"

****

Back at the upper floors of the mansion…

"MMMRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!"

Chris cringed as he heard the faint voice of a Zombie locked away in the room adjacent to him.

"Holy Cornchips! There's a Zombie in that room!"

Chris slowly crept forward but immediately jumped back and cried out like a little girl when he heard the Zombie cry out again.

"UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh Jeez!" Chris said squinting his nose. "Those Zombies need to use deodorant!"

"UUUUUURRRRRRRRRRAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chris cringed even further. That Zombie must be in pain. I better put him out of his misery. Chris cocked his handgun and rammed his foot at the door.

"OUCH!" He screamed as he bounced back from the door and fell on his butt.

"Damned vynal wood."

Chris stood back up and slowly turned the nob. The door gently creaked open.

"UUUURRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At the sight of the Zombie, Chris immediately turned his head away and threw up!

BARF

"OH GOD!"

"UUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Chris slowly turned his face back towards the Zombie. "Why do I always get the gross jobs."

The Zombie in front of Chris was agonizingly perched on top of a toilet violently constipated. "UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Shit man there's nothing I can do for ya! Lay off the cheese and milk!"

"UUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"what?"

"UUHHH…"

"Toilet paper?"

"UHHH HUUUU"

"Why should I? What's in it for me?"

"UUUHHHHMMMMM….."

The Zombie then pulled out a bunch of naked pictures of Jill from its trench coat.

"UHHH?" It asked meekly.

Chris eye's bugged out.

"Holy shit! Where did you get those?"

"UUUHHH … HEHEHEHEHEHE…."

"Ok, ok ill find you damn toilet paper. You just better fork em over when I get back."

"UHH HUU"

And so Chris is off to find the sacred Zombie toilet paper. Meanwhile Rebbecca is locked in a storage room with a horny Zombie lying on the floor. And Jill is still cussing Barry out cause he still has no idea what 'this' is! Well that's it for my stupid retarded little toilet humor fic. I know I know. I suck. So anyway I hope you all at least find an interest in ripping this piece of crap apart in the reviews. Thanks for reading anyway!

-Cordis